Ugly Sweater Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There is a commercial out right now about a daughter and her parents communicating through video chat and the parents are wearing one of these awful, ugly Christmas sweaters. The daughter asks them if they are going to an ugly sweater party and they look at her sincerly and say, “What do you mean?”

Ugly Christmas sweaters have been around for a long time, but now they are cool. There are ugly sweater parties now more often than fancy dress up parties. And some companies dedicate at least half their budget for ugly Christmas sweaters. I am right now wearing the ugliest, itchiest sweater that is very uncomfortable, but I do it so I can win a prize at work. I have a reputation to uphold. In the same manner, it is also Friday, which means I have some gifs to present.

Let’s get started…

…by not going anywhere.

This is basically Monday…

…in gif form.

The support I always feel…

…from family members.

This kid is definitely…

…launching a career.

This may or may not…

…happen at parties this weekend.

Sometimes during the holidays…

…I get a little tired.

Talk about hang time…

 

…this guy is still up there. 

That is some nice…

…camera work.

Christmas is…

…a long night for Santa.

This kid is…

…pretty strong.

Make sure she isn’t…

…your wheelman on your local bank robbery.

The most important fashion accessory…

…this year.

Well, I hope you all rock your ugly sweater contests this year. And if not, then you are just really uncomfortable for the day. And bitter.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Ugly Sweater Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: In case you just can’t seem to find an ugly sweater, maybe a nice carpet will work. You know people are coming over to your house and there will be some messy kids. Instead of cleaning all those stains, just get a throw rug and cover them up. Try this Fretwork Rug in gray to cover up all your messy spills.

Advertisements

GPS Bitterness

Searching high and low for those signs in the marketing closet.

The other day our team was in charge of providing some training to a bunch of other professionals. We were all given assignments for the event. Part of my assignment was finding the flags that with our signage on it so we could show everyone where to go. I wasn’t told exactly where the flags were, so I started my search the day earlier just so I could be prepared. These events make me nervous, so the more prepared I was, the better.

I went to the marketing closet where they were supposed to be, but the closet is kind of a mess. Because of that, I had to do a little searching, and that is kind of my nightmare. I searched for about 10 minutes and couldn’t find the flags. I searched high and low, and for some reason, I couldn’t see them. I looked in every drawer, looked on top of the drawers, even looked inside the copier. For some reason, I couldn’t find them. I then started asking anyone else that might know where they were.

I get really frustrated when it takes me a long time to do something that should have only taken a few minutes. Anyways, after two days of searching, I just couldn’t find it. Although I didn’t find it, I’m almost positive that they are right in front of my eyes somewhere. I don’t like to stereotype, but husbands and men, in general, are not very good at knowing where things are. I fit that stereotype exactly. I can stand in front of the fridge for hours at a time and still not see the leftover lasagna.

Ummm…where’s the cheese?

No matter where I have lived, I can never seem to find anything I’m looking for. I lived in my house in Seattle for 15 years, and I almost always forgot where the glasses were. I know they next to the fridge, but I would still reach instinctively near the toaster for them, then kick myself that I forgot where they were. Which is weird, because I can navigate to someone’s house all the way across town that I have only been once, but I can’t seem to find where the wrapping paper that I just got out last week. Basically, my wife is the house GPS.

My son, daughter and I are always asking her where things are in the house. I can’t find my shoes. They are on the shoe rack. Ohhhh yeah. I can’t find where my Transformers shirt is. Have you checked your closet where you hanging up shirts are? Whoops, I should have checked there before I asked. Mom, where is my coat? Calculating…calculating…take the stairs to the left and walk three spaces in your room.

I swear if she ever dies on me, and leaves me with kids, we will all just be wandering around like zombies asking each other where things are. We might have to just hire a woman who has house GPS just so we can find things.

What about you? Are you good at finding stuff in your house? Are you the GPS or are you the wandering zombie?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Family GPS Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Speaking of needing a GPS, how about some help finding a gift for that kid in your life that loves opening present after present. The Target Deal of the Day is this LOL surprise, with lots of other surprises inside. Today only $79.99, which is $10 off the regular price.

Low Battery Bitterness

Technology in the early 2000s.

I graduated college in 1998, which was this crazy, weird transitional time where the internet was so new that I needed to take a class on it just to learn how it worked. I remember a course in which a teacher had a literal tutorial on how to navigate around the internet. It was a crazy time. In fact, I remember the first website I went to, that I got from a poster of a movie, Mortal Kombat. It remember having to write down this really long URL and then having to type it character for character just to get on the site. It took me a week to get to it, and once I was there, I didn’t really know what to do. It was surreal.

I remember looking for a job after graduation by going to businesses and asking them for an application. They give me a piece of paper, and I filled it out. I also remember having a cell phone until a couple years later, but that only had a phone call function. It was thick and black and had big numbers, and I just used it if I needed to call someone from a car. Everyone had phones in their buildings, or you could use a phone booth.

Obviously, times have changed, and people use them for all kinds of things (the last thing being a phone call). Phones don’t exist in homes anymore, and phone booths are a thing of the past. Now my 11-year-old is begging us for a phone (because all his friends have had them since they were 8) and I feel like giving him the one I had looking for a job back in the early 2000s. Phones are amazing except for one BIG problem. We use them so much that the battery wears out. I finally upgrade a few weeks ago (from a fantastic phone by the way, especially if you consider what we had to work within the 2000s), mostly because my battery kept dying.

My son would die if we gave him a phone like we had to use.

I finally have one that will last all day, but still every night it needs to be charged. I was thinking about how it would be nice if we could be charged every night too. It would be great if our beds were a little more multi-purposed. It should also include human chargers. I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember the last time I was at 100% percent. I’m pretty sure it was when I was 18 or 19. We should be a little bit more like our phones. We still retain all the data and info we have, but we should be able to go back physically to our peak when we are charged at 100%. Yeah, phones wear down and get bogged down over age, but we should be able to upgrade to a new body, while still retaining most of our data when we switch over.

I don’t know about you, but at 45, I feel like I’m at about 45% and it takes way more charging than one night to get me at even 85%. Perhaps as we age, we should only have to work 20 hours a week and be able to rest way more. It just seems logical. And when my old phone got replaced, I just let it rest on the shelf. Seems logical.

If only humans could recharge.

What do you think? Should we be getting better tech that allows us humans to be charged better? Should we allow the elderly(like me) to work less?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Recharge Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: This one should be a no brainer if you are a husband constantly searching for everything, a wife that needs a husband to stop asking her where everything is, or a mom and dad that needs their kids to stop asking. This a Tile, a little device you can put on anything important and you will be able to find it with your phone. Unless you lost your phone.

Heavily Targeted Bitterness

Me last night.

I have a history of watching sports on television and being highly irritated. I have a few favorite sports teams and almost inevitably when I either watch them on TV or when I watch them in person they stink. I don’t know if I’m just jinxed or if my teams can actually feel my presence when watching and they feel the pressure to perform well and screw it up. I remember being so invested in games that I would scream at the TV and even actually throw things. Not heavy things, or very hard. Okay, once I threw this pillow thing and ended up making a dent in the wall. Apparently, sports had me so intense that I was turning into Andy Bernard.

Sometimes, it makes me so mad.

So through the process of elimination and my wife telling me to chill out, I decided that the best thing for me was to not watch my favorite teams on television or in person unless the games had literally no stake. So I started avoiding important games like the plague. I would know exactly when they started and then start turning off any notifications about the game until they were over. Then I would nervously pull up my phone and find out the score on my terms. If they lost, I would just avoid all highlights. If they won, I would watch every highlight I could find.

The streak continued until last night. While I didn’t really intend to watch the game, my son found out that his team was playing my team and decided to put it on. I didn’t really overthink it, because I thought we would just check the score and then leave. We ended up watching the whole game, and it was just a disaster. I got mad, screamed at the TV once and was in a foul mood the entire night. Do you get the feeling that sometimes you are unfairly targeted? I think when I watched the game, that my team was. Everything bad that could have happened did.

Stuff like this kept happening.

I kind of felt like that last night on my way home. Right at the end of the day, within a half an hour, several things happened. Someone asked me to do a task that takes at least an hour before I left. Then someone else asked if I could sub in for something that took 5 minutes. Then as I was going someone asked me something else. I left a little late, and that is when things really started feeling legitimately being targeted.

I was waiting on the on-ramp to try to get on the highway when three cars immediately in front of me got in a three-car accident. I screeched on the brakes, and narrowly avoided the mess, but it took them a while to figure out how to GET OUT OF MY FREAKING WAY, so I could get by.

Then a few miles up the road, I was behind a semi, and he was slowing down. Again, I was agitated because I was already late leaving, already was almost involved in a three-car accident and just wanted to get home. All of a sudden trash is floating all around the highway, and I half expect a huge spike to go through my windshield. Nothing happened, but I was mildly inconvenienced.

At this point, I remained hypervigilant, because now I feel like someone is targeting me. I get almost all the way home, and finally let my guard down, when I enter my neighborhood, and a whole gaggle of geese is getting ready to cross the road. I don’t know why they haven’t gone south yet, but apparently they are here just to almost get in my way so I can’t get home.

Almost got in my way.

One incident: happenstance. Two incidents: coincidence. Three incidents: Straight up universe targeting me.

How do you guys feel about targeting? Do you think it happens? Why does it keep happening to me?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Targeting Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Speaking of Target, and getting stuck in traffic, I think you should be very excited about this deal. The car for your kids that is better than you own. If you love your kids more than yourself, then you will get this for them. The Mercedes GL450 White SUV. Make sure to put a big bow on it too.

It’s on sale PLUS an extra $25 off toys over $100.

Sock Matching Bitterness

It better be expensive.

If you are anything like me, you are almost impossible to buy a cheap gift for. I only like a few things, and of those things, most of them are big expensive things. If you want to buy for me, I’m always in need of a better, faster phone (check, just got one), bigger, better-resolutioned TV or another faster, better-graphiced game console.

If you want to get me games to go along with any of those things, then it will usually cost you at least $60, possibly more. My wife is always frustrated because everything I want is always expensive. So I wait, and I wait and eventually I will get one or two of those things for either Christmas or my birthday. The rest of the time I just wait. Getting me small, inexpensive things is pretty hard. If they are small and inexpensive they are either really practical gifts, or they are stuff I buy myself when I actually need them. I guess you could get me clothes, but I don’t really need much and if I do it is usually just boring T-shirts or socks.

Actually, socks are usually a great gift. And nowadays they are getting more creative. They have prints, and they even have the mismatching socks, which are great since socks are always getting mismatched. When it comes to people, I think we are like socks. We cover feet and we smell a lot. Also, we have to take a shower because again, we stink. Actually, I was thinking more about matching. On a rare occasion, some socks get together at the beginning, and they are a perfect match. They never part from one another. They are together when they are kids, and they end up getting married and have kids socks. They are that comfortable couple every admires, and even though they fight sometimes, they retire and go off to the great sock pile in heaven as a pair.

Sometimes, you just have a mismatch.

Most of us are a regular pair though. We get together at the beginning, separate and get together with another sock that is similar. We keep trying to find our perfect match, but somehow always end up with some slight variation off of our perfect match. We figure out how to live with a decent match and are happy.

Then there are those socks that are mismatched or singles. They make some crazy life decisions like moving off to another washer or finding a match that is completely different from them. They know they don’t match, but they decide to stay with that mismatch because they don’t want to be alone. Or they are single because they got seperated from a great match and they just can’t see finding another one as perfect, or they just prefer being alone. Or they like a left sock just like themselves. Every once in a while there are some that just want to be a Sock puppet and go to Hollywood.

All I know is that all socks start out new and fresh and some age quicker than others. Some have their perfect match, some never do. We just have to find our sock purpose and do the best we can with the yarn we got, yarn it!

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Sock Mess Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Here’s your Target Deal of the Day. I’m sure as socks with other sock members coming to town for the holidays, you are probably searching for a little space to seat the little and big monsters in your life. How about a table you can bring inside to seat all these extra guests. Try this plastic folding table for all your holiday needs.

Late Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve always been someone who has been on time. And when I say on time I mean early. Nobody can stand to be late more than me. Unless it is to something that is optional like a party. Then I will show up as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Remember Jim from the Office. He always made sure that whenever there was some sort of party with people from the office, he would do his best to ditch? That is me, but with any party. I do my minimum and then dash. Nobody has time for socializing. Also, nobody has any time to either write or read blog posts on Friday, thus the reason why the Bitter Friday Giftures was born. Fewer words, more moving pictures. Okay, I’ve done my minimum word count so we can finally get to the Giftures.

You know what is really hard? Walking…

…you know what is even harder? Walking on skis, up a hill.

 

These ramps were made for jumping…

…and blocking.

You know you are unlovable….

…when even duct tape won’t even hold you.

This is why you assign a task to your kids…

…for that chance that someday they get internet famous. 

What is a brother for…

…if not to help his brother disappear into the middle of the earth.

Pretty much the way…

…I hula hoop.

When your mom asks you…

…to bring the fine china to the table.

How I feel every day…

…I get to work.

How I feel every time I’m on the treadmill…

…just kidding I’m never on the treadmill.

Walking on the sand…

…is really hard.

Sitting is also…

…really hard.

And jumping is well…

…really hard.

 

My suggestion? Just don’t do anything. Everything is hard. Just sit on your couch and avoid things, because if you don’t, I will find a way to record all your mishaps and get them on this blog.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Friday Giftures Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Speaking of being lazy, today’s Target Deal of the Day is something that will help even the laziest of people at least do one thing to make their house clean. That’s right, the IRobot, which is a robot that vacuums the house for you. Can it get any easier? Probably not. $70 off, people.

Here is a picture of the beautiful vacuum of laziness.

Soft Water and Sales

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

What I do when I get near people.

I’ve never been a big fan of people. They are always so disappointing. In fact, they are the reason why I started blogging in the first place. Back in 2013 I was in like year 12 of working at my old company and super tired of taking phone calls. What I found out was that one phone call could ruin my day faster than Thanos could snap half the universe. I could cruise along the day and answer people’s calls to their satisfaction all day, and then that ONE LAST CALL at the end of the day would show up and a person would be yelling at me for something that someone else did and it would ruin my day. Those rude people still burn in my memories and I can’t help but be forever bitter. So I decided that I needed the kind of blog that would allow me to complain about everything that made me bitter.

For all those reasons above, no matter how much money I could make, I will never do sales. I despise being told no all the time. I know the salespeople at my company make more money than a lot of athletes, but I don’t care. I would rather be the Joker and have burn that huge pile of money than ever be a salesperson.

I need one of these door knockers.

So yesterday I was reminded why I don’t like salespeople. Tuesday is the busiest day at work and at my house. My wife was quickly telling me instructions on what she was doing, what I needed to do and getting things sorted out as she quickly headed out the door. In the chaos, the doorbell rang, and some random dude was at our door. He had a little notepad and started telling me that he was out telling people that they were doing free water testing. Normally, my radar would have been highly suspicious, but in the chaos and with the wording he used, he made it seem like it was something the HOA was doing as a service. When I asked, “Oh so this is something the HOA is doing?” he didn’t really deny it, so I figured it was just some quick thing they would do.

My wife stared a dagger at me, which I should have immediately recognized as the sign that I screwed up, but I was buying the story. Needless to say, the appointment later turned out to be an hour long pitch to sell us water softener’s, which you know, I didn’t know I needed, but was convinced by the end that I did need. Unfortunately, I don’t have $4000 to buy one, because you know, Black Friday just decimated us.

The problem is that I liked the guy that was trying to sell it to us. In some alternate universe, I think we could have been friends. But I feel like he wasted my time, I wasted his time and ultimately the transaction of time was a big waste for everyone. Sales tends to do that. People know what they need. When they need it they get it on Amazon. Sales is like this big, random, game of one side trying their hardest to get rid of the salesman, while the other side is the salesman trying their hardest to stay and ultimately sell something that a person doesn’t really need.

I’m tired of the games, salespeople.

I’m done with that game.

What are your thoughts about salespeople? The ultimate bitterness? Or are you a salesman and have to play that game everyday?

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter SoftWater Ben

Target Deal of the Day: Have a Harry Potter LegoManiac in your family? Perhaps a child or grandchild, niece or nephew that loves Hogwarts? Here is the Whomping Willow!

Get it for 10% off if you buy it today!

%d bloggers like this: