Catch Phrases

 

I’m from the 80’s where let’s just say…television wasn’t as smart or as thought out. For some reason, back in my day, television didn’t have to be as good. It might be because there were only three stations competing for my time and writers could be super lazy about the concept for a television show. Somehow an alien called Alf, who liked eating cats and looked like a really bad muppet was a popular enough show that it lasted two seasons and became a cultural hit. There was also a show called Family Matters about a suburban black family run by the Sgt. Al Powell of the LAPD that helped John McClane stave off some terrorists in Nakatomi Plaza. It wasn’t a great show, nor was Alf, but they thrived somehow on the back of a few Catch Phrases. TV was all about them, and now they don’t really have them. Movies either. Every show is so smart now, so they don’t like to pander to an audience with a catch phrase. You know what I’m saying? Because “I make bitter better!” Now to the Bitter Friday Giftures.

Here’s a catch phrase for you…

“Don’t take your sweatshirt off when running on a treadmill.”

Catchprase…

“Bottle flipping on a basketball is dumb.”

Catchphrase…

“Don’t keep your phone in a loose pocket while modeling on a dock.”

Catchphrase…

“Always maintain balance in your life.”

Catchphrase…

“There’s never a bad time for a nap.”

Catchphrase…

“Danny Tanner shouldn’t attempt backflips.”

Catchphrase…

“Don’t be a hamster.”

Catchphrase…

“Don’t always be in such a hurry to jet off.”

Catchphrase…

“Don’t look before you leap.”

Catchphrase…

“Ummm…actually just keep doing that.”

Catchphrase…

“Always give up.”

Catchphrase…

“Hey 50 cent, this is how you do it.”

After offering up these amazing catch phrases, which are both catchy, brilliant and dare I say memorable, I assume the networks are calling my agent right now to discuss multimillion dollar writing gigs for their network shows. If you don’t ever see another blog from me again, you can just assume I’m deciding which offer to accept and I don’t have time for you guys anymore. Also, it could be that I’m on vacation for the holidays and I’m too lazy to do anything during the week. Either way, I will be rich and you guys will wish you got my autograph. Out. Because I make bitter better.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Catchphrase Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Here’s a catchphrase for you…Stop letting the kids drive you nuts. To do so, wrap them up in a nice warm coat, gloves, hat, and heavy underwear. Then, give them this Razor A5 Air Kick Scooter, and tell them to ride it through the snow to get to the playground. You can then tell them they now know how it feels to drive in traffic everyday and they should stop bugging you when you get home. I mean, they can have some sympathy. Also tell them that you got the scooter for $68.79, which is a way better price than the original $129.99, which is something like 47% if I’m just grabbing a number out of the air.

Advertisements

Sleighing the Game

Santa sleighing it.

Sleighing has always been kind of a cool novelty word. I’ll tell you more, but first a quick trip back to 2008. I was on the last wheels of a dying Dodge Neon. It was bleeding oil like a broken dam, the radiator seemed to have a cold all the time, and it was ready for the old boy to be taken out the pasture and put out of its misery. So my wife told me there was a sale going on with the new car I wanted so after work, she told me to meet her at the dealership. We ended up in my current car for a reasonable price.

You know how after you make a deal with your original car sales guy and then you have to go talk to the finance guy, so he can sell you on the rusty undercoating? Yeah, so I was talking to this guy, and he’s like, “Yeah, so that’s a pretty nice sled huh?” I wasn’t used to a car being called anything but a car, so it took me back. He was right though. I’m not Santa, but this is my sleigh. This thing has gone on so many road trips to work and back that it probably has more miles than Santa’s sleigh. It may not have 8 shiny reindeer, but it has 140 horses dragging me past the point of the mountain every workday. Plus the reindeer get to rest for 364. My horses have to drag this old, bitter dude to work and back every day. What I’m saying is that this sleigh has been through it.

My Dodge slaying it.

Now that I’m old my daughter has disallowed me to use any word that is cool, but that doesn’t mean I don’t keep track of the words that are cool. One of the recent ones that people use is slaying(don’t worry about her seeing this. The cool kids don’t read blogs). They like to say when they are doing something really well they are slaying it. Mostly it has to do with how influential they are on the Insta or the Facebook or Snap, or whatever, but they when they are killing it online, they like to say they are sleighing(slaying) it.

I’m not really into violence except when it is portrayed in movies, but I would like to say I’ve been slaying the couch game lately. I’ve been doing my best to avoid working and getting home as early as possible. I do my chores and running around as quickly as possible, and I’ve invented about 50 different ways to be comfortable on my couch. I’ve even created 6 or 7 videos that inform people about the Bitter News from the Couch. I plan on doing way more of those soon and slaying the Youtube’s soon.

What about you guys? What game are you slaying? Are you slaying the Christmas game? Killing the New Year’s? Getting ready to get lit on President’s Day?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Sleighmaker Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Speaking of slaying the game, here is a game that is all about Grandma. How do I know that? Well, here the game is called Greedy Granny Game. How about that? It is on sale right now for only $13.99 and it would make a great addition to your disfunctional family Christmas. Buy today!

Countdown til…

So much of this in December…when the bats aren’t freezing their tails off.

In the northern part of the world, like where I live the months of October through March, while not technically winter, are the cold months of the year.  The days become shorter, the dark gets more persistent and we barely ever see the light of day. It’s almost like the world hates us and just wants us to suffer. I don’t know if it is the universe trying to cheer us up just a tiny little bit, or just making sure we aren’t totally depressed, but what I like to call the holiday quadrant of the year comes along right about this time. First, there is Labor Day, then there is Halloween, then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then New Year’s four months in a row. Usually, everyone has a preferred holiday, but I think if it weren’t for these holidays and something for people to look forward to, there would be a whole lot of depression going on.

Is it just a coincidence that December 25th is only four days after the shortest day of the year? Just imagine all the people and their depression of the short cold day of December 21st if there were no holidays to celebrate. I think this world would be even more depressing than it already is. That being said, do you realize that the beginning of December seems to be advent calendar day?

An awful lot of countdowns this time of year. Why not the rest of the year?

It’s strange that for some reason, more than any other occasion, we count down the days to Christmas. Why is that? Why isn’t there advent calendars for my birthday? Why aren’t there advent calendars for when we go on a cruise? And why do advent calendars have to countdown days until something special?

Why aren’t we counting down the days until a random Tuesday in February? Why aren’t all getting stuck in the traffic and the airports on March 7th? Why aren’t I listening to April music in early March to celebrate the coming of April 15th? Why not the same enthusiasm for Tax Day April 15th? May 14th might not be filled with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, but at least May has a lot more daylight than December 25th.

Why aren’t kids staying up late in their pillow forts in their room and being nicer to their parents on May 31st? There is more light, and they don’t have school for even longer than 2 weeks. On top of that, they don’t have to go outside in the complete dark and snow and have a snowball fight. Also, when is the last time you were super stressed to go to the mall and get a gift for a random uncle you haven’t seen for 7 years on June 3rd? I guess people just like stress, bad weather, the absence of the sun, and annoying random songs about a guy named Rudolph sung by Justin Beiber than a nice long summer night.

Even the Dark Knight should get his own pillow fort.

That being said, I don’t have to work for the rest of the year starting on Friday 21st at 3:30 pm, so I guess you guys can have your super excitement about this super dark holiday, while I sit on the couch not doing things for 10 days.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Advent Calendar Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: If you want to tune out all the guests you will be having during the holidays, or you just want to start your career as a shower singer, try out this JBL Flip 4 Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker for your shower. It is $79.99 right now, which is a solid $20 off of the regular price.

Unlimited Gigs Bitterness

Too bad there isn’t a TV show about some guy watching TV. That would be a great show about me.

The nice thing about being lazy and watching TV a lot is that you get to observe a lot. When you do a lot of observing you start to notice trends. Trends like the Hallmark Channel rotating the same twelve actors and actresses, the shows always ending with a kiss and the abrupt ending and the big town girl moving to the small town and hating it at first but then realizing that she loves it. That is just three things off the top of my head, and that is just about the Hallmark Channel.

I also observe television commercials a lot. There are the legal drugs everyone is trying to sell. The first identifies the problem (a minor cough, itchy skin) tell how this medication will solve it, then they list every side effect known to man, even thoughts of depression and death. Sometimes they even mention pain after death, which is something only legal drugs prescribed by a doctor can do to you.

Remember when cell phones were a thing?

Another trend is the aggressive selling of phones. It might be because the available phones right now are $1000+. They throw in every possible feature, say their camera is better and then tell you that you can get unlimited gigs per month. I think that means they let you constantly stream on your phone in the middle of the high desert or low tundra, but I was hoping that it meant unlimited gigs as in “as many side hustle jobs” as you want.

I keep hoping that it means the latter. As awesome as my job is, it isn’t paying me $20,000 a month yet. I keep trying to get you guys to start buying my recommended products, but apparently, I’m not famous enough for you to just blindly buy things I recommend just because I have a famous face. I guess I will have to buy one of those costly phones with the unlimited gig plans they are offering.

I just hope that I don’t have to take every single one that comes along. Let’s just remember that I’m lazy and prefer to sit on a couch. If the gig involves going outside and doing something or any kind of effort, I’m not cool with that. However, if it means I can sit on my couch, and type a few things, or take pictures from my perspective, then I’m down.

What do you guys think? What are some of the patterns you see when you are observing? What are some gigs you would take if you could get unlimited ones?

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Unlimited Side Gigs Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: You know you are eating the worst right now because it is the sugar and junk food quarter of the year. Maybe get an early start on the “New Year’s Resolutions” and get this As Seen on TV Air Fryer. It allows you to cook all your fried foods with air instead of grease or whatever. It’s healthy and stuff. Save $40 by purchasing today.

 

All the Wrong Curves Bitterness

Please tell me more about your statistics…

One time I took a statistics class in college and I was so bad at it that I ended up getting like a total of 10% at the end of the class. Let’s just ignore the fact that I should have dropped the class immediately after seeing how terrible the teacher was. Why did I even endure this idiotic teacher and class? Well, I guess in the end, I exposed this teacher for who he was. Not a very good teacher. Oh, he knew his stuff, I have no doubt about that. But in my opinion is that if 90% of your students are failing or dropping out of your class, you might want to adjust your teaching style. Or realize that it might be you, and not the students. I did get my revenge. Student evaluations.

Not that I was ever any good at math. I don’t learn or think with the mind of a math student. Sure math makes sense, logically, kind of. It’s supposed to anyways. But let’s be honest. If your answer to something ends with an -5x, then there is something wrong with that. I think you should always be able to know what the number is, or what is the point? I’ve never learned things on a straight line. Even in math, I would get the answer backwards. I would learn by trial and error. Instead of solving for X, I would just plug a number in X and see if it worked.

Tell me more about your common core.

I’ve always done things by trial and error. Yes, it probably cost me a lot of time, but I eventually get there. I’ve tried different ways to get money. Since I always knew I wanted to be a copywriter someday, but there were no classes in my school for advertising, I took marketing and business classes. To get started on what I thought would be a solid career in advertising, I worked for a telemarketer. See marketing was in the title of the job and I figured that it would lead to a career in marketing and advertising. The problem is that it never really lead to anything but more phone work. I was stuck in a career path that I had no desire whatsoever for. Talking on the phone. I hated it so much that I started the original Ben’s Bitter Blog because of it.

So after 15 years of working in customer service, my wife suggested that I take a semester of social media. We moved here to Utah, I took a semester of social media, got a little experience, and now I actually write blog posts and content for a mortgage lending company. See what I mean about trial and error. See how I didn’t just draw a straight line to my career? I always do things differently.

I just figure it will all work out in the end.

How do you like to do things? Plan them out? Make goals? Or do you just leap like I do and take way longer to get places like me?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Curved Path Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: For that kid in your life who has already asked for everything and just wants onnnne more thing. Just a new video game system with all the fixings. If you buy the Nintendo Switch at Target you will get a $25 gift card. Pretty sweet deal because you can always use $25 more dollars at Target.

Ugly Sweater Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There is a commercial out right now about a daughter and her parents communicating through video chat and the parents are wearing one of these awful, ugly Christmas sweaters. The daughter asks them if they are going to an ugly sweater party and they look at her sincerly and say, “What do you mean?”

Ugly Christmas sweaters have been around for a long time, but now they are cool. There are ugly sweater parties now more often than fancy dress up parties. And some companies dedicate at least half their budget for ugly Christmas sweaters. I am right now wearing the ugliest, itchiest sweater that is very uncomfortable, but I do it so I can win a prize at work. I have a reputation to uphold. In the same manner, it is also Friday, which means I have some gifs to present.

Let’s get started…

…by not going anywhere.

This is basically Monday…

…in gif form.

The support I always feel…

…from family members.

This kid is definitely…

…launching a career.

This may or may not…

…happen at parties this weekend.

Sometimes during the holidays…

…I get a little tired.

Talk about hang time…

 

…this guy is still up there. 

That is some nice…

…camera work.

Christmas is…

…a long night for Santa.

This kid is…

…pretty strong.

Make sure she isn’t…

…your wheelman on your local bank robbery.

The most important fashion accessory…

…this year.

Well, I hope you all rock your ugly sweater contests this year. And if not, then you are just really uncomfortable for the day. And bitter.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Ugly Sweater Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: In case you just can’t seem to find an ugly sweater, maybe a nice carpet will work. You know people are coming over to your house and there will be some messy kids. Instead of cleaning all those stains, just get a throw rug and cover them up. Try this Fretwork Rug in gray to cover up all your messy spills.

GPS Bitterness

Searching high and low for those signs in the marketing closet.

The other day our team was in charge of providing some training to a bunch of other professionals. We were all given assignments for the event. Part of my assignment was finding the flags that with our signage on it so we could show everyone where to go. I wasn’t told exactly where the flags were, so I started my search the day earlier just so I could be prepared. These events make me nervous, so the more prepared I was, the better.

I went to the marketing closet where they were supposed to be, but the closet is kind of a mess. Because of that, I had to do a little searching, and that is kind of my nightmare. I searched for about 10 minutes and couldn’t find the flags. I searched high and low, and for some reason, I couldn’t see them. I looked in every drawer, looked on top of the drawers, even looked inside the copier. For some reason, I couldn’t find them. I then started asking anyone else that might know where they were.

I get really frustrated when it takes me a long time to do something that should have only taken a few minutes. Anyways, after two days of searching, I just couldn’t find it. Although I didn’t find it, I’m almost positive that they are right in front of my eyes somewhere. I don’t like to stereotype, but husbands and men, in general, are not very good at knowing where things are. I fit that stereotype exactly. I can stand in front of the fridge for hours at a time and still not see the leftover lasagna.

Ummm…where’s the cheese?

No matter where I have lived, I can never seem to find anything I’m looking for. I lived in my house in Seattle for 15 years, and I almost always forgot where the glasses were. I know they next to the fridge, but I would still reach instinctively near the toaster for them, then kick myself that I forgot where they were. Which is weird, because I can navigate to someone’s house all the way across town that I have only been once, but I can’t seem to find where the wrapping paper that I just got out last week. Basically, my wife is the house GPS.

My son, daughter and I are always asking her where things are in the house. I can’t find my shoes. They are on the shoe rack. Ohhhh yeah. I can’t find where my Transformers shirt is. Have you checked your closet where you hanging up shirts are? Whoops, I should have checked there before I asked. Mom, where is my coat? Calculating…calculating…take the stairs to the left and walk three spaces in your room.

I swear if she ever dies on me, and leaves me with kids, we will all just be wandering around like zombies asking each other where things are. We might have to just hire a woman who has house GPS just so we can find things.

What about you? Are you good at finding stuff in your house? Are you the GPS or are you the wandering zombie?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Family GPS Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Speaking of needing a GPS, how about some help finding a gift for that kid in your life that loves opening present after present. The Target Deal of the Day is this LOL surprise, with lots of other surprises inside. Today only $79.99, which is $10 off the regular price.

%d bloggers like this: