Danger Friday Giftures

 

As the old man in the cave in Legend of Zelda said to Link, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.” He was just being nice and handing Link a sword so he could survive all the weird acting animals in the world, but I think his advice is pretty strong today. It is definitely not safe to go outside. There are dangers everywhere like the sun, the moon, fresh air, and no couches. It seems like everytime someone leaves to go outdoors, something happens. So if you must, grab a sword, because that is the only way to keep safe from weird acting animals. Clearly, some people didn’t heed my warning, because there is no shortage of Bitter Friday Giftures.

As soon as this guy stepped outside…

…nothing but trouble. 

Ever feel like Indiana Jones…

…as soon as you step outside? 

Saving the day…

…seems out of the question. 

Running outside…

…just gets you nowhere. 

Flipping out…

…does you no good.

Camping is never…

…not a disaster. 

Even jumping…

…is much harder outdoors.

The wildlife…

…is way wilder outdoors. 

Backpacking is…

…nothing but a burden.

Exercise…

…outdoors is pretty useless.

Even Sasquatch…

…prefers the indoors.

Well, at least we finally found…

…the best outdoor attire. 

So in conclusion, make sure to avoid danger at all costs. Stay indoors, don’t go camping, run to the safety of your couch. Or at least walk.

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Bitter Danger is not my middle name Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Dot. Not only will this little device keep you safe from those nasty outdoors, but they will keep you laziness at its peak. No longer do you need to get up to do anything anymore. Just make the Amazon Echo Dot do it. Super sale right now. Only $24.99, which is 38% off. Get two if you must!

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Unnecessary Jobs

Quick, activate good husband mode! 

 

Several years ago, I was up late playing my favorite video game, and my wife was trying to sleep. She woke suddenly and complained about really painful heartburn. Usually, she takes a Tums and feels better afterward. But for some reason, that wasn’t working, and she was complaining about intense pain that wasn’t going away. I begrudging turned on good husband mode and paused the game for a second. I went into the bathroom and asked her if she was alright. Do you need to go to the emergency room?

She was like YES, I can’t take this anymore. So against all my safe driving instincts, I drove her to the hospital as if she was having a baby, which we came to find out wasn’t, but pretty close to it. It was her gall bladder and she needed to get surgery to remove it.

For some reason, humans have these body parts they don’t actually need to survive. Actually, we have quite a few. There are the truly unnecessary ones like the gall bladder, the appendix, and tonsils. Then there are other things that while inconvenient, you can live without too. Things like fingers, arms, legs, and hair(I know all too well about this one). Somethings you just can’t live without like brain, heart, (lungs maybe?) and a few other vital ones.

Society is the same way. There are some jobs that are so vital that if we didn’t have them society just wouldn’t survive. Doctors keep us alive longer. The presence of police officers keeps societies from complete anarchy. Some government is important for defense and economy. Teachers educate us so we can learn enough to get jobs and such.

The other day I had to fax something to the state, and since we don’t have a fax machine in our house, we went to our local Workforce services to do so. What I found was an almost comical situation which made me think we could eliminate some government spending.

I’m just looking, thanks.

As soon as I walked into the center, I was greeted by a gentleman that asked me what I could help them with. You know, much like an employee at a clothes store. Not 100% necessary, but if I had a more difficult question, he could probably at least find me an answer or someone else that could help me.

The comical part was when I told him what I needed to do. “I just need to fax something to the state.” About two feet away from me was not one but two fax machines that I could use to fax the papers. As a fairly educated person and with 15 years or more of experience using such complicated machines as faxes, I could almost certainly figure out how to fax things on my own.

That wasn’t needed though, because both fax machines were manned by adult male people, who I assume had their job to help do. Since I had two documents going to two different fax numbers, I had two competent fax-sending-trained dudes help me fax two documents.

Two people fighting over the chance to fax something for me. 

I often wonder how people in finance and computer, and marketing and middle management can get laid off for only doing 18 hours of work in an 8 hour period, but somehow two guys whose government jobs are to help people fax things stay comfortably employed with our tax dollars.

Clearly, life doesn’t make any sense.

What are some jobs you have seen that seem amazingly unnecessary? What are some body parts you could probably do without?

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Bitter Unnecessary Ben

 

Target Deal of the Day: Beach Babe Comforter Set. Talk about unnecessary things. Comforters on top of blankets on top of sheets. But if you must have these comforters that keep you warm at night and fashionable during the day, might as well get them on sale at Target. They are 20% off for only $79.99, regularly $99.99. Stay unnecessarily warm tonight!

 

Bittercademy Awards

Me in the movies most of the time.

I like movies because they are the dressier cousin of TV. While the newest and best movies require you to be some sort of dressed and pay money and get popcorn and sit in a seat that isn’t a couch, they don’t require you to think too much. Some require you to think if you want to know what is going on, but still, mostly you can just let go and enjoy the ride. Though I do dislike the fact that there are other people that also sit in the theater with you…most of the time.

One time when I was off work for a week, I decided to go to a movie. My son wasn’t old enough to see the movie, and it was the middle of the day, so I went to see the movie by myself, which is totally acceptable in my mind. I guess it wasn’t that popular, or no one was in the mood for violence that day, because I was the only person in the entire theater.

It was both an amazing and bizarre experience. I could have stood up and screamed at all the funny, scary, awesome movie moments if I wanted to. Or I could have taken 2 seats or put my feet up on the chair in front of me. I think I went with the latter because I’m lazy and not very decisive when it comes to doing things.

Time to go home.

I just heard “The Academy” just came out with their annual nominations of mostly movies I’ve never heard of, sprinkled with one or two we all have, just to appease the masses so the rest of us will watch the show on TV. I’m sure we will all pretend that we know how great that one movie was, even though none of us have ever seen it, nor intend to.

I created a film last year, and I was hoping it would have at least been nominated for something. If nothing else, I should have been nominated for best director for all the trials I had to go through. And also best editing. It was a film I did with the Cub Scouts and I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but they were the worst actors I’ve ever worked with. And I’ve worked with me. And I’m terrible. Once when my mom asked me if I took the candy in the dish, I told her no. She didn’t believe me.

So how does a guy go about getting nominated anyway? Does it take being in a theater? If so, I know someone who has an in home theater. Does that count?

We finally agree on something, Kayne.

I think the best way to get nominated is to start my own awards for movies. If you make a bitterly bad movie in 2019, submit your movies to me and I will comb through the 10’s of movies and you might be nominated for an award. Look forward to that on BEN (Bitter Entertainment Network) sometime in 2020.

What movies are you guys glad got nominated? What movies are you going to submit to BEN?

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Bitter Bencademy Awards Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Incredibles 2 Blu-Ray. If you are too lazy to make it to the theater to see an Academy Award-nominated film, you can just get on Target.com and order this one. It is on sale for $19.99, which 13% off the regular price. How about that?

Tidying up With Bitter Ben

Some people are good at things. 

A lot of people are really good at things in their everyday lives that seem pretty inconsequential. Some people are great at doing laundry. They know the right temperature, the best fabric softener and the setting that every piece of clothing should be set at. Other people are amazing at cooking. They have a knack for putting just the right ingredient with just the right spices to create flavor Nirvana on other people’s lips. Just look at Ratatouille. That vermin could cook. It took talent for experimentation and finding just the right place and opportunity, but he made it work. In the end, he got his world-famous mouse restaurant.

I love to watch TV. I get praised for my ability to sit around and do nothing while soaking in all the amazingness of TV. When I say praise, I really mean scorned, but you get the drift. I think just about anything I see on TV is entertaining in some way. Even reality TV about mundane things like sitting in a house with other housemates vying for the Head of Household, or getting stranded on a faraway island with some random nitwits has some sort of entertainment value.

But then along came this lady from Japan, Marie Kondo, who wrote a book about selling people on the life changingness of folding your clothes and telling them that you love them before stuffing them back into the closet never to be worn again. Or folding them in a way that shows your utmost respect for them by sending them away to the summer camp of Goodwill, or other thrift stores where someone else will treat them just as disrespectfully as you did when you had them.

Please tell me more about folding clothes.

Now this woman is so persuasive in fooling us into loving our clothes that she has obtained a Netflix show helping families to clear their clutter in her amazing method. I haven’t seen the Clothes Whisperer show yet, but I imagine it is really nice families that are just a little bit messy and need her to come in, organize their closets and leave them with a life-changing amount of junk for the Goodwill. I guess it is super helpful for her and a few people, but what are the Goodwill stores supposed to do with all the garbage people keep getting rid of?

I had the displeasure of watching her on Rachel Ray today and can I tell you that I’ve almost never been bored watching TV, but today I was. She and Rachel Ray (who I’ve heard is a pretty terrible person behind the scenes, which is why I don’t like her), spent about 10 minutes on television…folding things. She showed us how uncompelling TV can be. Even TV remodeling shows are smart enough to show paint drying in fast forward. They didn’t. I had to sit through 10 painstaking minutes watching two people fold things and I about died from boredom.

So thanks for that, Raychel Ray and Marie Kondo.

Remind me to start my next show about grass growing in real time. I can’t wait to see the promos for that show.

What shows have you been forced into watching that were as slow as drying paint?

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The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Men’s Authentic Fleece Sweatshirt Full Zip – C9 Champion Charcoal Heather XXL – You will always need something to practice the art of folding with. How about this hoody that your kid will throw on the ground always?

Favorite Handheld Device

 

These things.

When I grew up, we had these things called phones that were just a menace. They had long cords, big circular dials and were only used for actually calling people to talk, which quite frankly is the least good thing about phones. If you wanted to talk to someone that lived far away, you either had to write them a letter or call them on the phone, which was super expensive(the call, not the letter).

It was a much better time back then for someone that liked avoiding people and needed an excuse. They didn’t even have voice mail or answering machines, so there was no real way to know if some was just ignoring you or just weren’t home or busy. Nowadays, there are so many ways to get in touch with someone, that there is almost no way to avoid people. If you don’t answer your cell phone (which you promise everyone you carry with you at all times), you can text someone. If they aren’t there, then they social media blast you. They Insta, Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat you. Sometimes you are even gullible enough to put GPS on your phone and people can pinpoint the place where you are.

That being said, even if you don’t like the communication part of having a phone, you like the part where you can escape from people while being in their very presence. On a date that isn’t going well? Look down at your phone. In the waiting room and don’t like any of the book thingys with confusing words? Hop on the phone and play some games. Don’t like the kids you birthed and all they seem to want to do is annoy you? Give them your tablet or phone and then look at your phone as a way of distracting both of you from your misery.

All these things lead to the fact that you probably think that your phone or tablet is the world’s most amazing handheld. Well, you are wrong. When it comes to the most amazing invention that can fit in your hand, it is this most useful technology available to man.

When I grew up, we had these things called phones that were just a menace. They had long cords, big circular dials and were only used for actually calling people to talk, which quite frankly is the least good thing about phones. If you wanted to talk to someone that lived far away, you either had to write them a letter or call them on the phone, which was super expensive(the call, not the letter).

It was a much better time back then for someone that liked avoiding people and needed an excuse. They didn’t even have voice mail or answering machines, so there was no real way to know if some was just ignoring you or just weren’t home or busy. Nowadays, there are so many ways to get in touch with someone, that there is almost no way to avoid people. If you don’t answer your cell phone (which you promise everyone you carry with you at all times), you can text someone. If they aren’t there, then they social media blast you. They Insta, Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat you. Sometimes you are even gullible enough to put GPS on your phone and people can pinpoint the place where you are.

That being said, even if you don’t like the communication part of having a phone, you like the part where you can escape from people while being in their very presence. On a date that isn’t going well? Look down at your phone. In the waiting room and don’t like any of the book thingys with confusing words? Hop on the phone and play some games. Don’t like the kids you birthed and all they seem to want to do is annoy you? Give them your tablet or phone and then look at your phone as a way of distracting both of you from your misery.

All these things lead to the fact that you probably think that your phone or tablet is the world’s most amazing handheld. Well, you are wrong. When it comes to the most amazing invention that can fit in your hand, it is this most useful technology available to man.

Hot Pockets. THE handheld device.

It is the Hot Pocket. As amazing as a cell phone is, you can’t eat them. As awesome as a tablet can be, they can’t keep you alive if you are starving. As amazing as a tiny camera is, you can’t fold the piece of paper around them or stuff the most amazing foods invented, pepperoni and cheese, inside of them. For all the data and information you can stuff inside a phone, you still can’t stuff it in your belly.

The phone is an amazing invention, but if you were dying and given the chance to choose between having all the world’s information at my fingertips, or a delicious, butter crusted, pepperoni pizza in a handheld package, I choose the Hot Pocket. The phone might be able to order me a pizza, but that would take 30 minutes and I could be dead by then. The Hot Pocket takes two minutes and I would die a happy man, knowing that pepperoni and cheese were the last thing that touched my tongue. Aren’t you craving one right now?

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Bitter Handheld Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Mastering Pizza: The Art and Practice of Handmade Pizza, Focaccia, and Calzone – Hardcover. If you can eat pizza pockets, you can at least read about it. If I was to write a book, this is definitely the direction I would go in writing one. Perhaps I will write a book about mastering the Hot Pocket.

Random Doesn’t Equal Funny

According to my daughter, random doesn’t equal funny. Although according to her, she also thinks puns aren’t funny. Actually, I think she also just thinks I’m not funny. Yeah, that is it. That wasn’t always true though. She used to laugh when I played Peek-A-Boo. I guess the older you get, the less you think older people are funny. So maybe humor is subjective. Some people think everyone is funny, while others think nothing is funny. Actually that isn’t true. Gifs are funny to everyone, no matter who you are or how young or old you are. Which means that at least once a week, a post I write is funny. Knowing that prepare to laugh at other with Bitter Friday Giftures.

There is nothing funnier than…

…weddings failing. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than flipping fails. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than swings failing.

There is nothing funnier…

…than bikes falling in lakes.

There is nothing funnier…

…than kangaroo/trampoline fails. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than turtle diving fails.

There is nothing funnier…

…than elephants slipping up.

 

There is nothing funnier…

…than Transformer blooper reels. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…the triple slip. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…improvised fails. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…accidental chair fails. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…tree pull up fails. 

So there you have it. You know all know what the funniest thing is. Please refer to the gifs above for all the evidence.

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Bitter Random Not Funny Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Game of Thrones: The complete first season. There is nothing funnier than Game of Thrones. Pick up season one to get some really great laughs. On sale for $24.99, regularly $29.99.

Bitter Cancellation

I decided to cancel today.

I used to think that you had no choice in a lot of matters. Once you sign up for something, you were part of that thing for life. A year and a half ago, we signed up for Netflix and every month since, whether we watched something or not, they charged us $11 a month. It was pretty great when we were living in my parent’s condo, jobless, and with no access to cable or satellite. A lot of people get Netflix for this reason. I used to love the Office when it was on the air, but I lost contact with them for a while. Then, when we signed up for Netflix, amid all the content, Netflix original or otherwise, I would binge-watch the Office. I finished, thought about other programming, then realized there was nothing out there as compelling as the Office, so I just watched it again and again and again.

Recently we moved into a new home. The HOA’s included cable, and all of a sudden, we stopped watching Netflix. Did you know that you could cancel Netflix? It even says so when you sign up. Recently we finally did. No more Bird Box, or The Office. Now I can only find the Office on DVD, Comedy Central, and hundreds of other channels.

The other day, I spent several hours on my computer checking my email. I had avoided looking at my email for several days and all of a sudden, I had over a 1000 emails. I was tired of that too, so I decided to cancel that too. Did you know that every marketing email you get has to have an unsubscribe button? So I spent hours canceling my email too.

Don’t worry. I just canceled traffic.

Now I think you should be able to cancel other things. How about the traffic? I have no use for it anymore. All it does is create longer drive times, inefficient gas use, and pollution. So who do I call to cancel it? Or is there an unsubscribe to traffic?

I don’t really like bills. I think they are time-consuming, wallet-lighteners, and just plain unnecessary. I’m going to call them all and just let them know that they don’t need to send them anymore. Really, should we be billed for something like light and heat that they didn’t really invent, own the patent on, or have any control over? If you feel like starting a Kickstarter, I’ll take a look at your plans, but I’m only donating to your cause if I like the way you’ve made heat and light more innovative, or different. Also, if I like the rewards for signing up every month.

Don’t worry Bro. I just canceled your back pain.

Also if people think they can just cancel government, I should be able to cancel all my back pain. I’m not a fan of it, I didn’t even sign up for it, and it’s a little inconvenient when I’m trying to lift really heavy things, like the remote control, or getting up from places, like the couch.

What do you guys think? Why can’t we cancel more things? What things would you cancel if you could?

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Bitter Cancellation Fees Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: CamelBak Eddy 25 oz Water Bottle. If you want to cancel thirst, this bottle has a solution for you. But I would argue that you don’t just have to put water in it. I think soda, juice or even oatmeal will fit in it. The most versatile bottle I can think of. On sale for only $7.91, 20% off.

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