Football Season Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Last night, I was sitting on the couch, relaxing from the bitter day of work I almost always have, and my son comes tromping in from football practice. As always, he left a trail of things leading up to himself, so even an incompetent detective like Inspector Clouseau could find him. He drops his cleats on my feet, asks me to take off his stinky socks and tells me all about practice.

As soon as he gets home from practice, anything I was previously watching (almost always The Office) gets changed immediately. He switches to a game on TV and it is football. I’m like What? It’s that time again, already? Yep, its football season again. You know what other thing it is already? That’s right, Gifture Friday.

Here we go again…

…celebrating too early again.

 

Getting ready for Halloween…

…by trying to scare people.

Having to get a full-time job…

…because our side gig doesn’t pay the bills.

Sometimes you have to speed…

…to get to the game on time.

Whatever you do…

…make sure you don’t bring your dad to the game (my daughter says).

The food isn’t always the best…

…and it kind of makes you speechless.

Interviews can kind of get…

…a little creepy.

Other times…

…people can really get in your hair.

It’s a sad day…

…when a kid can’t figure out how to eat pizza.

Don’t you hate it…

…when you are in a hurry, but you have to get your pants on?

Or when you are at a wedding…

…and there is no cake available?

The worst part is when you are trying to get something to eat…

…and the food just won’t go in your mouth.

Well, just so you know, the weekend is finally here, so we can get back to doing what we do best. Eating pizza and sitting on the couch. Who is with me?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Football Ben

It Doesn’t Get Bitter

 

It doesn’t get better Oscar.

Remember a while ago when there was an ad campaign about when you get older, life gets better? I don’t really remember it on TV. In fact, the reason I do  remember it, is because Oscar on the Office tried to do a little video himself and it hilariously got hijacked by everyone else in the Office.

Kevin was asking Oscar what he was doing, Robert California interrupted with his own diatribe and Kevin accidentally ends up smacking Robert in the face. At the end, Oscar tries so hard to admit that life gets better, but ends up proving that it, in fact, does not.

For all you teens out there who are struggling to find something to look forward to, I’m here to tell you that Oscar is right. All I have to do to prove it is to list just a few things that have happened recently to me.

On my way back to work from lunch, I was carrying too many things, including a fairly full cup of milk.  Being the smart adult that I am, I have learned that angles and gravity work together to balance things, but if you lose focus or balance on any of them, things tend to move toward not being in the cup. I really focused and balanced all the way to the car, put my cup on the roof of the car, my other things in the seat, and then after all of them were in place I grabbed the cup of milk, and theeen decided to lose focus and concentration. Spilled it all over myself, just like in my teen years.

Did a lot of crying over this spilled stuff.

I thought when I was 15, I was at the apex of facial destruction, otherwise known as acne. Back then, I got the help I so desperately needed from a dermatologist, took some Accutane and thought I cured these things forever. Well, at least I thought forever. You see, zits are like mosquitoes. They leave for a season, giving you hope for a brighter future that includes not them for a while. Then, just when you think the season is permanent, they come back. Little by little, until they are everywhere. I’m 46 years old, man. There should be a statute of limitations on these things.

The name is Ben and yes it is. Now BACK OFF!

When I was a kid, I was always broke. I would mow the lawn, get my $10, and a week later, all I had was some crappy duplicate baseball cards, a stick of decade old gum and a few nickels that wouldn’t even buy the decades old gum. Guess what? Being broke doesn’t get better. In fact, it gets worse. I work 40 hours instead of one, but here I am working for the pleasure of paying bills, buying food and giving the rest to my wife and kids. And now the government wants their cut too. Now, I don’t even have some duplicate baseball cards or stale gum to my name.

I used to dread having to deal with giving speeches, finding a partner in class or, giving presentations. Unfortunately, anxiety doesn’t go in the rear view mirror, not even close. Nowadays, I have a whole new set of anxieties to deal with. In addition to still not liking presentations, speeches or trying to find a partner to sit next to at work,  I have the aforementioned bills, traffic, work, interviews, talking to people that I don’t know, mosquitoes, air conditioners going out and car payments.

I used to play video games as a kid. My mom would get mad at me for playing for 6 hours a day. I was like, “I only have two levels to go and then I will come down for dinner!” The video games hobby hasn’t gone away, but the time to play has. Now I am happy when my wife and kids let me play for 6 minutes, and they let me clear a level that takes two minutes, between my taking out the garbage, getting the kids to practice and putting my socks in laundry.

The best way to explain life now as compared to then came from a tweet I saw that I could totally relate to.  Paraphrasing, “Your first 18 years of life is the free trial. After that, it is pay to play.”

What things do you do now that are way harder than they were as a kid?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter It Doesn’t Get Bitter Ben

 

Communication is the Key to Bitterness

The way we should all be.

I was listening to someone talk about things the other day. When you do that, sometimes you actually learn things, which for me is a really bad idea. You know how they say a little knowledge about something is a bad thing? That applies to me. All of a sudden, I start acting like I’m an expert at things.

Anyways, they were talking about the age old argument about how we need to all stop looking at our cell phones and focus on real people and real conversations and stop listening to all the conflicting voices out there. Of course, all the knowledge they received about this subject was obtained while they were on their phone and the whole time they were talking, they were also texting.

What they aren’t mentioning is that communication has broken down from the beginning. It’s not like the cavemen or the dinosaurs didn’t have miscommunication. It’s not like the people in the 1830’s didn’t have misunderstandings. It’s not like this decade is the first time in the history of this world that communication has been blocked. Don’t blame it on the phone.

Miscommunication goes way back.

As a people, we are great at backbiting, ignoring, pretending we didn’t hear things…it’s just that the phone has just made it easier for us to ignore people in real life situations. Think about how you used to sit in a doctor’s waiting room 15 years ago. It wasn’t this magical time where people sat around and discussed their families with strangers. There were magazines in the waiting room. There were toys for kids. There might have even been a TV if you were lucky.

Ignoring people has always been a thing, especially for the introverts. We just have a better shield now and the extroverts can join us in ignoring people now.

I’m glad to live in this amazing era of technology that provides us computers in our hands. Yeah, some people do really great things with all the technology they have. Some are created new things, some are keeping connected with clients all over the world. Me, on the other hand, I’m just making sure I have a game to play in every spare moment and a way to ignore people.

And of course, it is the ultimate way to spread the bitterness all across the land. The technology of phones and things have given me a way to speed up how bitter I am, and in turn, how others can be bitter with me and the rest of the world.

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Miscom Ben

Crystal Cloudy Bitter Friday Giftures

 

People have been trying to teach me a lot of stuff lately. Obviously when you start a new job, they have to teach you the ways of the Jedi, and or, the ways the company work and what you are supposed to do every day.

The other day, my wife was telling me that she had to train me on how to pay bills, where account numbers are, where kids social security numbers are etc. I was like, don’t make me do that please, I’ve really enjoyed my 19 year time off from having to think about those things. Anyways, my mom asked me something the other day and asked if it was crystal clear.

Of course, being a guy that is a little slow on the uptick, I said, not really, it’s kind of crystal cloudy. That is when thing are less than crystal clear, ie, all this explanation to you about Bitter Friday Giftures. Hopefully, you all just skipped the intro and went straight to the Giftures:

 

Okay, lettuce…

…talk about this for a minute.

I mean…

…water we all doing here?

It is time…

…to get down to business.

I see a lot of…

 

…Stark contrasts here.

Let’s be honest…

…some people just need to be unleashed.

Some people or superpeople…

…are just too good for the rest of us.

Some people live for the week…

…while others live for the weekend.

Other people…well…

…have no idea what day it is.

Some people do a lot of work…

…while others have work done for them.

While others like me…

…just like to sleep on the job.

Some people think they got it all handled…

…until they realize they don’t.

Do you know what is Crystal Cloudy…

…not this stuff.

Whatever you do this weekend, or other days of the week, just make sure you let people know that whatever they are saying to you is crystal cloudy. Then they will have to explain things to you again, or think that they aren’t training you right. Either way, you get them to be crystal cloudy and that is a great way to confuse people, and great way to start a day.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Crystal Cloudy Ben

 

Interviewing Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I don’t normally get too political, but when that stuff is crammed down your throat on TV on every single channel, all day long, you kind of sort of have to have an opinion. Not necessarily on one side of an issue or another, but some sort of opinion. Whether that opinion is that our country is a little screwed up with so many corrupt politicians and celebrities, both morally and moneywise, or you are just tired of them talking, you have an opinion.

My opinion is that they need to stop interviewing people. That Mueller guy looked really uncomfortable. One guy or girl after another getting their five minutes to question, yell at, coerce, manipulate, read back multiple statements and grill him like he was the burger at the summer barbecue.

All I gotta say is he got off pretty easy. He only had to do it for one day. Me, on the other hand, I’ve spent the last six months, cowtowing to HR managers, social media managers, SEO managers, marketing managers, and owners of companies. I’m guessing a few politicians snuck into a few interviews, just for good measure. I spoke in small rooms and palatial palaces. I went to a few companies two or three times, dealt with companies that had ping pong tables, scooters and Segways. I walked into some that had a broom closet to interview in.

I’ve showered, shaved, dressed up in uncomfortable suits, worn fancy tight socks, worn shoes with laces, ties in every shade of purple. I missed an in person interview because there was blizzard and sweated profusely in a fifth floor building that felt like they couldn’t afford air conditioning. The interview process needs to stop. I have a few ideas, and a whole lot of hatred toward the process. Let’s stop talking about interviewing for a while and just start Bitter Friday Gifturing.

I’m pretty sure…

 

…at least one company made me do this.

Almost did this one…

…but haven’t perfected the bottle flip yet.

I know how to…

…do things.

Sadly…

…I’ve had interviews that went worse.

I’ve definitely been on the other side…

 

…of this call.

I feel you…

…Lisa Simpson.

Not sure what was worse…

 

…beginning of date, or beginning or interview.

Not sure where to go…

…when talking on a phone interview.

After you know…

…you tanked that phone interview.

When you walk into…

…a group interview.

Would you like some water…

…before we start?

Not sure what is worse…

…end of date or end of interview.

…or the end of this blog post. All I know is the only thing I want to do after an interview is bathe myself in the tears. My tears, the tears of the people that were laughing at my interview and all the sweat that turned into tears. The fact that anyone has hired me after all these years is a testament that they must have seen past all the awkwardness and realized that maybe they just needed someone to chop off when their struggling company goes down in flames. Who’s looking forward to me doing this again in a year? Possibly only bloggers that love to see others pain.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Interview Weirdness Ben

Bat Crazy Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Yesterday started out pretty normal. I went to work, got stuff done, came home got some dinner, listened to my daughter excitedly talk about her birthday today and then I retreated to my favorite place in the world, the couch for some chill. Just as my wife was getting ready to go to bed, she got a call. You know, the one you always dread. My son was hiking in the mountain with his church troop and he was playing in some water and slipped. Gashed his leg really well. If anything, the kid is good at injuring himself. His leaders had to bring him home and we needed to bring him to the ER. He ended up with 17 stitches and quite a bit of attention. Just when we thought it couldn’t get weirder, we to look at our porch and we saw Bruce Wayne’s little brother that bit him and turned him into Batman. On that strange note, Bitter Friday Giftures.

Yeah, this guy…

…was hanging out on the porch.

I was thinking the weekend was swift approaching…

…when things came to a screeching halt.

My co-worker’s were being so great…

…until they were not.

I felt like I was just falling asleep…

…when the band came marching in.

Just when I was melding into my person no talk shield…

…the shield broke.

Last night I think I might have heard some…

…sonic waves.

Just spit it out…

...so we can get it over with. 

Go ahead…

…do something or whatever.

What is happening…

…around here?

You know what…

…I’m always disappointed.

Yesterday was definitely…

…unbelievable.

Ummm…yeah…

…you don’t want to look there.

That is…

…for dang sure.

I assume that because we had all the drama last night that today will be perfectly and regularly bitter. No interruptions, no crazy things happening…yes that is what is going to happen.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Batty Ben

 

 

Insuring Bitter Saturday Giftures

 

Who knew that this guy would ever have a job again? Who knew that not only would he be working in an industry he used to think was the biggest scam? That’s right, I work in insurance now. Don’t worry though, I don’t actually do anything with your accounts; that would be scary. No I just social media it. The funny part about all that is we are required to get our insurance license, so technically I could be the one who does your insurance at least in this state. Anyways, I never thought I would join the bitter industry. Let’s just say like most actors, it’s fun to play the bitter guy in movies. With further ado, here are this week’s Bitter Saturday Giftures.

Vegans that eat french fries…

…are joining the dark side.

All the sun this summer…

…is making my skin join the dark side.

Career long OKC player…

…joins the bitter side by joining Houston.

Dog tries to join the dark side…

…fails.

This is me whenever someone tries to talk to me…

…about things.

There’s always that one friend…

…who won’t let it go.

Actually…

…you should all take it personally.

Sometimes I wish…

…I wish I was camouflaged like this guy.

That’s why it always feels…

…why this guy is so udderly ridiculous.

Man geese are the worst…

…because they remind me so much of myself. 

Don’t let the…

…fake smile fool you.

This is how it feels to be…

…in a conversation.

Now that I’ve joined the bitter side of industry, I’m sure you will all not want to talk to me. Why didn’t I think of this earlier?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Insuring your Nightmares Ben

 

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