Cars are the Great Equalizer

I’m an excellent driver.

I’m a great driver. I learned to drive when I was only 14. In South Dakota, where I grew up, you could get a permit when you were 14, and be a full-fledged driver by the time you were 15. In fact, I found it so easy that I would often drive without two hands, sometimes without one. I wasn’t satisfied that driving was a challenge at all until we convinced my dad to let us learn stick shift. I learned it pretty easily and was convinced you aren’t really driving unless you have a stick shift.  I was a bit of a hazard when I was young, but I never got in an accident. In fact, to this day, I still have only been in one, and that was because someone else hit me, because they were going through a red light.

We all have a certain status and stature in life. Sometimes that status is earned, other times it is just because people think you are certain way by judging you, we do. Sometimes you change people’s perception’s and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do about how you are percieved. I think that people’s driving is the great equalizer. No matter what people think about you for whatever reason, you can be someone in a car.

I think I’m confusing you and probably me. What I’m saying is that the tallest, buffest guy in the world could be the careful, gentle driver in the world. On the other hand, you could see the most petite shy girl, with the a petal to the metal mentality. It doesn’t matter people’s status in the world, they could be the biggest jerk in the driving world or the best safest person.

Some people just don’t know how to drive in their own lane.

I used to have a friend that drove 50 in the parking lot and 90 in a 45 once. I’m honestly not sure how he avoided going to jail, or quite frankly the morgue, but he was a speed demon. On the other hand, I had another friend who drove resonably safe, except when it came to following too closely to others. He would literally be inches from the person in front him before he would stop. We never actually hit anyone when he was driving, but a few times my heart almost went through the windshield. My brother once taught a girl he liked “how to drive” and she somehow found a way to flip the car over. Another time when my friend was driving I was in the back seat and I thought it would be funny to jerk his wheel a little. The car drove into a ditch and almost over a cliff.

Cars can be a great equalizer. Just because you see a mom in a minivan right next to you, don’t assume there isn’t a speed demon behind the wheel, that won’t run you down if you cut into her lane.

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Bitter Car Equalizer Be n

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Trailer Company

Something that will never come out.

I’ve always loved going to the movies. Ever since I was young, there was something escapist about them. When life make you bitter, go to to a movie and your bitterness will either ratchet up, or go the opposite way. I had some magical moments in movies. The first time I saw the time machine in Back to the Future, the time I saw Ferris Bueller become a cult hero in his own town, or the time I saw John McClane jump off the side of a building with just a hose attached to his waist.

I tried to write my own book a couple years ago, but realized that I don’t like to take so much time to write a story. I don’t have the patience or time to write a 200 page book. I would also like to make films, but don’t think I would have the patience to make an hour and a half long movie. And recently I found out that I don’t like directing other people. The kids I worked with were impatient, bad at listening to directions and surly. No one needs that kind of hassle.

 

Who needs more trailers?

I like how YouTube has created a breeding ground of shorter videos. Movie are great, but so many are such huge disappointments. I don’t know if people are rushing to get them done, they are too expensive, or if millenials don’t like to go to theaters. You know what isn’t a huge disappointment? Movie trailers. I think that really would be a market for people that just wanted to watch trailers. Charge them $.99 to watch them, they can watch them as much as the wanted, and you would never have to make the real film. There is nothing more disappointing than seeing an amazing trailer, and then seeing the movie that follows and not seeing the right scene, or not getting the same music, or just knowing every part of the movie, by the time you see it.

I think I want to start a production company where I just make fake trailers. I would also like to do trailers for my blogs that clearly aren’t ready to be made into feature films, but you could do a trailer for. In addition, I could do other people’s trailers for things they did, just to get some hype for them as well. Either a blog post, a book, or even a social media post. A lot of people nowadays don’t have time to watch a full movie, but they sure do have time for a 2:30 minute trailer.

What do you think? Would you be on board for a trailer company? How much would you like to invest? Who wants to run it for me? When do you want to start paying me for all this?

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Bitter Trailer Ben

Community Friday Bitter Giftures

 

Back in the day when I was blogging on Ben’s Bitter Blog, I finally found a bunch of bitter people that felt as bitter as I was. I was a community where would could share all our bitterness and talk bad about the man. You know, the guy that kept holding us down. I’m trying my minimalist to bring that community back together, but it is not as easy as I thought. Sure most of those people don’t blog anymore, but a lot of the people I used to interact with haven’t found their way back here and that makes me bitter. So in true bitter fashion, I’m going to Friday Gifture about it by posting gifs from Community the TV show, a criminally underrated and poorly rated show. Here goes:

 

We’ve made…

…mistakes together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve been….

…lazy together.

 

We’ve solved…

…mysteries together.

 

We’ve called…

…each other basic.

 

Well I guess we’ve…

…never really high fived before.

 

We’ve definitely…

…had awkward shouting matches.

 

The dance numbers have been kind of…

…non-existent.

 

I’m pretty sure…

…we’ve had a lot of looks like this.

 

We’ve definitely had…

…plot twists.

 

What about all those times…

…when we thought things were cool, but weren’t?

 

It sure was Pierce…

…it sure was.

 

And we are still trying to figure…

…this whole thing out.

 

Let’s hope we can continue to build this community of bitterness and find a way to bring all you akward people to this blog. Cause there is nothing like being able to make a large community of people together and fail.

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Bitter Community Ben

 

Throwing Shade

 

I was good at sports growing up.

As hard as it is to believe, when I was young I played sports. I was just this skinny, lanky, clumsy, awkward kid. I had no muscle tone, but that didn’t really matter much because I was tall and fast. I played sports mostly because my parents wanted me to. I was born lazy, and introverted, so I naturally didn’t like going outside or doing things. In fact, it wasn’t until I got out of organized sports and started to see the creativity of passing that I even started liking basketball. If I would have loved it as much when I was a kid, you would be reading this blog of Professional NBA superstar, Bitter Ben.

Okay, let’s not go that far. Remember no matter how much I like something, I like laying on the couch more. My problem is I don’t know when to quit something. I basically didn’t stop playing basketball until like 39, when I announced my retirement to my church ballers. It was an emotional experience for all, if you count emotional people cheering that I wasn’t playing anymore. They were glad my old fossilized carcus was finally out of the way, so they didn’t have to pass it to me anymore or give me my required 5 minutes off the bench.

What they didn’t stop doing to me was throwing shade. In my day, that was called talking smack, or trash talk.

I was much better at talking smack.

Thanks to basketball, people throwing me shade is no big deal. I’m have this calcified heart that can take the most amount of trash talk could ever throw at me. I’ve heard it all, mostly because I dished it out to others. In fact, if people throw shade at me now, I tell them that I appreciate it very much, because it is really hot outside and I could use some.

My daughter has developed the gift of trash talk, or as she likes to say throwing shade. She’s pretty good at dishing it out to her old man, but she doesn’t realize where she got it from. I’ve been thrown shade since my basketball days. She calls me old of course, but that just rolls off my back. She tells me I’m not funny, but I already know that. I go out of my way to tell her lame jokes, just so she will tell me I’m terrible. When she tells me that, I just treat it as a sign of affection.

I know I’m an outlier these days. It is much trendier to be offended by every word people say. Political correctness is the way of the day. I wish I could get more offended by what people tell me, but I just can’t. I’ve got 99 bitter problems, but getting shade offended isn’t one.

How do you guys feel about smack talk? Trash talk? Throwing shade? Are you offended by every little slight? Or do you just brush everything off?

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Bitter Shady Ben

BitterStradamus

 

This all the time.

When I was in the bitter period of post school, but pre-job, I ironically watched a lot of the Office. Not really ironic, but because we had Netflix as our only channel of television, I became even more obsessed with the Office than I normally was. I would watch 4-5 episodes a night before I drifted off into my bitter sleep at night. It was the only thing that kept me sane. My daughter would make fun of me for watching it all the time.

In the meantime, my daughter started her love of the theater. Even though she is an introvert, she somehow loves getting on stage and acting. She even enjoyed memorizing her lines, which blows me away, because I hated memorizing things. I was always more of an improviser (mainly because I’m terrible at memorizing things). She even became interested in Broadway plays. She would check up on all the latest news about Hamilton, and Spongebob, and all those Broadway plays. Not sure how she is my girl sometimes, but she basically loves the theater like most people like Hollywood.

Since she and I are both really creative individuals, I am always trying to relate with her by talking collaboration. I keep telling her that she should start a YouTube channel, because she was so good at talking to a camera when she was young. She could do a beauty channel or even do a theater review channel.

One day we were talking about the Office and how obssesed I was with it. She made fun of the opening song and I don’t remember if it was her or me, but one of us mentioned that they should do a Broadway play about the Office. Music was definitely a huge part of the Office, with Andy even working on a play at the community theater, Kevin being in a band, and Daryl, Andy and Kevin and other collaborating on music in some form.

Music was a big part of The Office.

It would be an amazing play. I was so enthused about it, that I wrote a post about how they should do it…all the way back in September last year. I kept saying the only reason we couldn’t do it was because NBC owned The Office. Oh and we had never created a musical before, and I hadn’t ever written a piece of music, or could even sing. But I can write and my daughter could sing.

Anyway, if you didn’t know, they announced this year in May that they are doing an Office musical. My daughter told me about it and I immediately cried out that we came up with the idea first! We want credit, we want money, we want fame from coming up with the idea. I don’t do a whole lot right, but for once, I predicted this way before it was ever an idea with NBC. I believe they read my blog post and stole the idea. (Here is the post from September 7, 2017 in case you don’t believe me.)

Just admit it, NBC. And make our check out to Bitter Ben c/o Bitter Entertainment Network

What ideas have you come up with others stole from you?

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Bitter BitterStradamus Ben

 

Earn Your Opinionation Badge

 

You shouldn’t automatically get an opinion. You should have to level up to get one.

When I’m not sitting on my lazy butt enjoying the TV, one of my favorite hobbies is sitting on my lazy butt enjoying video games. There is just something so fulfilling about pushing buttons to do things instead of moving your feet to do things. Video games allow you to do unlimited things without having to leave your comfort zone. In fact, there are probably a lot of areas in games called comfort zones. In Pokemon, it is Pokemon centers, where you can refuel and recharge your Pokemon. In the video game world, it is easy to get up to full health. In real life, resting in a bed for 5-8 hours doesn’t always do the trick.

One of the things I like about video games is a lot of them allow growth for your characters. Many of them grow with stats or leveling up. The nice thing is they usually allow you to grow along with how the world is coming at you. For instance, in level one, you are a weak dude that can barely beat a mosquito, but by the end, you are a steroided muscle man or woman that can take down beasts the size of skyscrapers. They scale your growth with the world around you.

Not so much in the real world. Our world just comes at us with immense challenges right from our early stages (baby) and just keep coming hard and fast. They don’t allow us to scale with it. Kind of makes things unfair. But then again, according to my dad and many other grown humans, life isn’t fair. One thing I think people should have to earn like in video games is their opinions.

What does your opinionation level look like?

For instance, when you walk into a workplace with zero days of experience, you should not be able to talk about your opinions like you own the place. There should be points awarded, and you should have to level up in your place of work, your church, your school or your friendships. You should have to earn knowledge points, experience points, sanity points and many other categories to be able to express yourself, especially in certain subjects.

I think as an expert in bitterness, I should be able to share my opinion on the highest level because I’ve earned it. I’ve written over a thousand blog posts, have a Facebook page dedicated to bitterness and a PHMe degree in all things bitterness. On the other hand, I’ve spent zero hours of effort, time or resources in politics. Therefore, I should be banned from ever having an opinion on that subject. You should be able to see the badges I’ve earned: video games, sports, bitterness, writing, etc. and see what levels I have EARNED and know that another level 15 in sports can talk to me confidently and know that I will be a pretty equal match in sports.

No talking until you earn a high enough level.

On the other hand, you should also be able to look at a shirt and see a lack of Numbers badge, politics badge, and Meetings badge to know that I have no opinion on that subject and know to move on from me in the quickest possible manner. I’m not saying we force people to talk with others of the same badge levels, but if we are stuck at a party with a bunch of people we don’t know, we should at least be able to walk around and find someone we might have a least a little something in common to get through the dread of a party.

What do you think? Should we assign opinionation badges to people? Would this make your life a little easier? Or would you be like me and just ignore all that stuff anyway and just sit on the couch and continue to watch TV?

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Bitter Opinionation Ben

Audition Bitterness

Uhhh…

 

There is a reason why I chose to be a writer. First of all, I knew it would be really lucrative (not at all) and because it would stimulate my brain and others to make changes and be better (nope on that either). Basically, it is the easiest way of expressing my bitterness without having to interact with other humans. The only thing that can interrupt me is my train of thought and that train is moving non stop through my brain.

One of my least favorite things to do is to be interviewed. You are never sure whether you are supposed to humble brag about yourself, or humbly list your accomplishments. Some people are just looking for the straight up facts, while others are just trying to see if you will be a good personality for the team. Without the knowledge of what people are looking for, you just never know which person you are supposed to be.

My daughter is just as much of an introvert as me but loves being in plays. I don’t know how she feels about having to audition, but I don’t know if I could ever do it. Auditioning, interviewing, giving speeches are the worst. I feel like I am a pig, or cow at a showing and people are constantly judging me. Who needs that?

Judging others should be my job. That is why I like going to the mall and sitting down at a place and judging the people as they walk by. At least I keep my judgements to myself. At least verbally. If I have a judgement about someone you can bet you will be hearing about it in writing.

What are your thoughts? How do you feel about auditions and interviews? Do you feel like you are on display?

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Bitter Bad Interviewee Ben

Bitter Bacon

 

 

 

Food has never been more of a controversial subject as it is now. With all these vegans, pescatarians, vegetarians, and gluten-free diets, it’s a wonder that anyone such as myself can find vegan, free food anywhere anymore.  This weekend my neighborhood is hosting a party in which bacon is the main ingredient to participate. It’s good to see that this new food called meat is making a comeback. I like to think that my neighborhood is quite progressive in its food choices and that meat is making a comeback into the mainstream. Let’s hope that this amazing food actually becomes a viable option in restaurants again. In the meantime, let’s celebrate bacon by having some Bitter Friday Giftures.

 

This bacon fest is going to be…

…a slam dunk right?

 

 

If anything else…

…it will at least be a bowled statement.

 

It will be nice to see…

…if we bump into anyone we know.

 

Afterward…

…I hope to slip into something a little more comfortable.

 

I really hope…

…that the competition isn’t a clean sweep.

 

 

I just really hope…

…there is some intense competion.

 

 

I think the promotion for this event…

…has been a little too aggressive.

 

I think some people just need…

…a little more training.

 

 

I would say that some people…

…are a little too excited to leap into the event.

 

 

For others…

…it’s definitely worth the trip.

 

Others are taking a little too long…

…to get into the swing of things.

 

While others are having a hard time…

…taking the hint that it is time to leave.

 

Regardless of how you decide to party this weekend, make sure you do your best to avoid people at all costs. They are the number one problem when it comes to things going wrong. Bad luck mates!

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Bitter Bacon Ben

 

Bitter Alter Ego

 

Some people have alter ego’s.

I am not a fan of most celebrities. Most of them are maniacal ego maniacs. Once they get a little bit of fame, they start thinking they are larger than life and they start being rude to the people that got them their fame. That is no big revelation. I think most people know that. Sure, I would be annoyed if people were bugging me 24/7, but they have options. Many of them create alter ego’s.

You probably know a few of them. Some celebrities are so famous that they have their real name/their fame name/ and their even an alter ego name. For instance, there is Marshall Mathers/Eminem/Slim Shady. You have Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, or Beyonce Knowles/Sasha Fierce. I guess it gives them all an opportunity to become someone else when the fame hits them too hard. It could be that one personality is too passive and they need the new one to be more aggressive to handle their diva side. For whatever reason, people love to have that alter ego.

There are also Superheroes that have alter egos. For whatever reason, they need to keep their identity as a superhero seperate from the normal life, or vice versa. We know Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark. Just regular billionaires that run around being reckless as a disguise for being responsible superheros that need to save the day on a regular basis. I can imagine that would be really hard to balance the two lives. I wonder if they get exhausted running companies and just want to get some exercise by beating up villains. Or if they get exhausted saving the day and just want to run a company quietly. There are a lot of reasons for alter egos.

I’m Batman! And also Bruce Wayne.

As many of you know, I basically have an alter ego too. To most people, I am just Ben, the husband, and father and full-time worker that goes with the flow. He does his job, gets to work early, interacts with people, drives home in traffic and doesn’t run over people on purpose. He helps his kids with their homework, his wife with the bills and gets exhausted at the end of the day and almost falls asleep on the couch watching TV.

Then there is Bitter Ben. He is that monster with ambition. He can’t stand people and all their crap and calls them out for it. He wants to run companies, create content, become the world record holder for the most times writing bitter, etc. He is a creator, a fighter, a passive aggressive beast. He has a sharp wit and will never actually meet anyone in person. Everything little and everything big makes him mad, and he wants to invent things to become the laziest person ever. He is Hulk of the personality, while Ben is the Bruce Banner.

I even talked about this in my first blog ever a long time ago. Maybe we all have multiple personalities, alter ego’s or whatever you call them. I am a different person interacting with my parents, and with my kids, and with my wife and with co-workers. They say it is healthy to interact with everyone the same, but really if you do that, then you are the most annoying person ever.

No one needs just one personality.

So, what do you think about Alter Ego’s? Do you have one? Or are you humble enough to only need one? What is that ego’s name and personality?

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Bitter Alter Ego Ben

Zombees

 

…are the worst.

I’m fighting the bitter fight right now. Ever since we moved into our new home, we’ve had some squatters. I would be fine with them if they would just pay rent, but I’m getting a little tired of evicting these guys. The crazy thing is that there are like literally billions of places they could live, but they somehow keep coming back. It’s clearly not my hospitality or my charming personality. In fact, I’ve been nothing but unaccommodating.

The bees just keep coming back over and over. I’m not talking those valuable ones that give us honey or pollinate the flowers or star in the Bee Movie. I’m talking the yellow jackets that have been stinging me or terrorizing me for decades. I’ve sprayed them at least a dozen times this summer and seemingly killed their hive over and over again, but someone keeps surviving and then bringing their new brothers back.

I’m not much of a horror fan. It’s not that I am scared of them, though I would say I would be a little, I just find horror movies kind of pointless and dull. I want to see people punching each other and using cool ninja skills or superpowers. Plus I’m really claustrophobic, and most of those horror movies play off of that fear quite a bit. They are always trapping someone in a closet or locking someone in a room.

Zombies are a big thing for people now too. I’ve heard that the Walking Dead is a good series, but I’m not really into Zombies that much. You know what would be the worst though? Zombie Bees. Or Zombees. The only reason I tolerate bees right now is that I can use that spray on them and that kills them instantly. But if they were basically unkillable as Zombees, and retain their powers of being able to sting me, they would pretty much be the most terrifying thing on earth.

Imagine spraying those things and then seeing them get angry at you for doing so, and not dying. Then they come after you with a vengeance. I already run in fear when I miss one of them, and they see that I was the one that killed all their brothers. Now imagine that they all saw that I was the one messing with their hive. I love my new house, but if there were Zombees attached to it, time to burn it down and claim the insurance and move to another country.

Only way to get rid of the bees.

 

The insurance company couldn’t claim arson either, because there was a purpose for burning down the house.

Your turn, what creature great or small is squatting in your house without paying? What creature is hanging out in your house that would be even more terrifying as a zombie?

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Bitter Zombee Ben

Snap of Fingers

Spoiler Warning: If you haven’t seen Avenger: Infinity War or don’t like lazy or bitter people, be warned, there are spoilers contained below. Also, really bad writing and spelling errors.

I’ve talked about it before, but I think I relate more with villains in most movies. I’m not a genius like most of them, but I am lazy. Most villains just want to be lazy. That is why most of them are inventors. They work really hard, so they can go home and have things done for them. If I had the capacity to invent things, almost all of the inventions would go toward inventing things that made my life easier. Clean the dishes for me. Open doors for me. Do all my chores at home. Automate my life. Look at Hans from Die Hard. All he wanted to do was sit on a beach collecting 20%.

Unfortunately, the heroes are getting in the way. There is a reason why they are called action heroes. They are always stopping things, preventing this, doing actions. Most of them are in to working out, strengthing their muscles and fighting. In the process, they are destroying things just like the villains. They aren’t stopping us doing bad things. They are just stopping us from being lazy.

In Avengers, they spent the whole time trying to stop Thanos from destroying half the Universe. All Thanos was doing was trying to get some really nice jewelry, six shiny stones to be exact, so he could give his wife or girlfriend a present for her birthday or anniversary. He, like me, was probably a historically bad gift giver, and had failed her over and over again. He was probably really tired of the disappointed look on his girls face everytime he presented her with the Infinity Toaster, or the Gauntlet of Roses that go went bad after a month.

So he spent the better part of a movie fighting gallantly for the 6 Infinity Stones she had seen on the QVC or HSN planet and had hinted heavily that she wanted. Who knew the jewelry would be so popular with other superheroes? He must have felt like he was at a Black Friday sale. Except a lot less hectic.

The one problem was that when he finally got the 6th stone he was so excited that he accidentally snapped his fingers out of pure jubilation. I’m sure that when he finally sat down to rest, (like he had mentioned he wanted to do most of the movie), everyone was turning to dust. Why was everyone trying to steal his glove? It was for his girl, not theirs.

Why is everyone trying to take my glove?

I feel just like Thanos. You just work really hard so you can just go home and rest for a while. But I bet when he got home from work, his wife had a list of chores for him and all his kids wanted him to play baseball with him and all he wanted to was rest his weary back and lay on the couch.

What about you? Do you work really hard, so you can rest?

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Bitter Snap Finger Ben

 

Made up Lyrics

One of my favorite episodes of the Office besides all of them is when Jim has a barbecue and doesn’t invite Micheal Scott. Instead Micheal goes to his improv class. It’s kind of ironic because Steve Carrell started in improv, I wonder if he improv-ed being so bad at it.

I’ve always wanted to be a comedian, but I’ve never been very good at planning things. I just want to show up somewhere, make things up and then get raucous applause. Clearly, things haven’t worked out, because I’m not a billionaire comedian playing to sold out crowds in Madison Square Garden. I blame all of you and every agent, who hasn’t dug deep enough to find me. I shouldn’t have to work for this….

I think I got my start in making words up because of songs. Either I was too lazy to listen carefully to songs and memorize every word they sang, or musicians need to sing a little more clearly. All I know is that I like music not for its lyrics but its music. I see all these people singing along to lyrics of a song and it really blows me away.

I sing along to songs mainly at the chorus and then just make up stuff from there. I think I would be really bad at karaoke, because I would see these words on the screen and go, “Nope, those are the wrong words. My made up ones are the right ones,” and then I would proceed to ignore the words and use the right ones that I had invented or make up new ones on the spot.

You might notice that my blog is the same way. It’s why the subjects are so random and why the grammar is terrible and I miss so many thoughts I could have included. I essentially come up with a subject, give myself a half an hour and then start improvising the rest.

It’s why some seem to trail off into oblivion and make no sense and others just work and click. It’s why I’m a failed novelist. That took too much planning, structuring and foresight. In the end, when it comes to planning, I don’t do too much of it, because in the end, even with the best planning, things change on the fly and there is nothing you can do about it. So, just like writing, and singing songs, I just wing life. Because nothing ever goes to plan. Just ask James Bond.

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Bitter Improvised Lyric Guy Ben

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