Eggcellent Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve been on a bitter diet lately, because my doctor told me I had to. I don’t know why doctors are always telling you such bitter news. You complain about one little thing (my knees, my back, my shoulder, can’t sleep, tired all the time, can’t make it up the stairs without breathing heavily, chest pains) and he thinks it’s related to my weight somehow.

Some people, I swear.  I told him that he has the power to give me some magical pills and I should be able to lose weight, and he did give me one for cravings, but other than that, he wasn’t much help. He did tell me that doctors were all wrong all those years and it turns out that carbs are the enemy, not fat. So I’ve been eating a lot of eggs and bacon, and cutting out some of the carbs. He told me no more candy too, which of course, he told me on FREAKING HALLOWEEN. Jerk.  Enough about how horrible doctors are, how about some Bitter Friday Giftures to eat, since I’m starving.

The only thing worse than being hungry…

…is ridiculous kids saying they are.   

The best part about having kids…

…is you can eat anything that is theirs and they can’t say anything about it. 

Me…

…around mid-afternoon. 

This is the only kind of…

…belly run I find acceptable. 

Even famous people…

…get a little hungry sometimes. 

Wile E. Coyote wasn’t a bad guy…

…he was just hungry.

Sometimes you just need to eat chicken nuggets…

…even though you are a chicken. 

Oh, sooo tempting…

…can I please have some more?

When your food is done…

…and you are still hungry. 

Sometimes food just can’t help…

…but fall into your mouth.

Sometimes you are as hungry…

…as a whole arm-y.

Food always…

…before family. 

Since food always comes before family, that is why so many arguements happen at Thanksgiving. Because we try to spend time with the ones we love, but family keeps getting in the way of spending it with food. Just a thought.

What is your guys relationship with food? Stronger than family I hope.

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Bitter Eggcellent Friday Giftures Ben

 

 

 

 

Running on a Treadmill Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Whatever you do, don’t go to the doctor. You think you are just going there for a routine check or to get some pills so they can just easily cure you. Turns out that isn’t the case. They grilled me about everything that was wrong with me, and boy was there everything wrong with me. They did give me some pills, but way more than that, they gave me all kinds of assignments. Like, don’t eat any caffeine or chocolate for the rest of the day. On Halloween. Oh, and we need you to run on a treadmill. WTF?

In honor of having to run on a treadmill, here are a bunch of gifs that have to do with running in place and uselessness.

This is going to be me…

…today.

This is the closest to…

…space exploration I will ever be doing.

This is the kind of treadmill challenge…

…I am up to.

Who says…

…dinosaurs don’t exist?

Some people…

…get way into Halloween.

Some people are just in a hurry…

…to get treadmilling.

Some people become Ninja’s…

…just so they can run on treadmills. 

This is how I feel when they ask me to treadmill…

…leaf me alone. 

After a hard workout, I just wanna know…

…water you doing?

This is what I do…

…as soon as I finish with the treadmill.

This is how I feel…

…as soon as I finish working.

Me at work on Friday…

…when someone asks me to do something for the weekend.

Alright enough of this. I have to go get ready for the first and possibly last time I will be running on a treadmill. Wish me luck.

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Bitter Treadmill Ben

Weening off Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into using long names for people. I’ve always been a nickname person. For each of my siblings, my wife and kids – I have nicknames for all of them. Who needs to call someone their long name? That requires so much effort. I even go by my short name. Can you imagine having to get bitter advice from a guy called Bitter Benjamin? It would be such a hassle to spell all those words out.

Which brings me to my point. Halloween is coming up and it has always been such a long name. Three syllables, 9 letters and a couple of repeat letters. I think it is time to ween ourselves off of the long version of the name and just call it Ween. Or Wen so we don’t repeat any letter.  You know, we probably need to just move onto the Bitter Friday Giftures just so we can cleanse our pallets of this ridiculous rant. Here they are:

Cats certainly don’t like…

…ween. 

Trees get a little short…

…because no one listens to them. 

Your playtime sometimes…

….needs to be shortened too. 

Sometimes even your poles…

…fall a little short.

Skateboards have a tendency…

…to fast track you to the hospital.

It always seems like things

…swing in other people’s favor.

What do you say…

…we kick things off.

Like mother…

…like son.

Some people are so talented…

…they can do things backward.

Sometimes…

…you just have to take a big leap of faith.

Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life…

…and hope that someone is there to catch you.

Sometimes you have to improvise…

…and hope nobody notices.

I like my posts just like I like my names. Short and bitter. Have a weekend.

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Bitter Shortness Ben

Editing Bitterness

via GIPHY

 

I’ve been doing a whole lot of editing lately, and not of the written word. I’m really bad at that, even though my wife thinks I’m really good at it.  She always makes me edit my kid’s papers.  The problem is that their teachers start to believe that my kids are mediocre writers instead of the good ones that they really are. I mean, have you seen me edit my blog even once? This blog is a grammar graveyard, and that is just the spelling. If a professional editor ever got a hold of this thing, they would be seeing red in their nightmares for weeks, because of all the red pen they would need to use.

What I have been editing are videos. I have always liked editing video because first of all, you get to see all the funny footage, and second, you can very easily change the story just by what you take out and splice together. It’s kind of a fun process and also excruciatingly boring at the same time. The end result can shock and amuse. I hope to someday edit a Hallmark movie to make it good (by editing it as a horror story), or edit something great like John Wick and make it horrible.

via GIPHY

Sometimes I wish I could edit parts of my life. Not that I wouldn’t keep all the footage (you know for all those funny blooper-like moments). Honestly, it’s not like most of my life hasn’t been recorded like in The Truman Show. Let’s be honest, cameras are everywhere. You think you are alone in your house? Not bloody likely.

There is Siri, Alexa, Google, your kid’s cell phones, your DSLR, your nanny cam, your cameras that keep your baby safe and everyone’s Ring. And that is just in your house. Imagine all the footage of you at work. You probably think there aren’t any there, but you would be wrong. Then when you go to Wal-Mart or Target, they could make the movie of your life with all the footage they have of you there.

I’m okay with all the cameras everywhere. I just want to be able to edit my footage. It would also be nice to edit out people from your life that you just want to forget. Like a boss that was horrible or a job that didn’t teach you anything, but misery or suffering and didn’t even add anything to your resume.

via GIPHY

On the other hand, it would be nice to get some additional footage of a rare person that made you laugh off your miserable life, or smile in a really crappy situation, or understood your horrifically underrated dry humor. It would be nice to give them a little more of a starring role in your life’s film.

Life is pretty much unedited. Thankfully, my brain is the ultimate editor. It stores all the super boring moments on that hard drive that collects dust in the back of the cerebellum cabinet.

Who or what do you want edited out of your life movie?

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Spooky Story Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into the spooky part of Halloween. I will occasionally visit a haunted house or watch a scary movie, but they don’t really define the season for me. It isn’t those corn mazes or pumpkins that seem to pop up overnight in every field, henhouse, doghouse, and backyard. It isn’t the pumpkin spice everything that is more prevalent than corn mazes either.  Nope, the thing defines the season for me is candy.

I love when my kids go trick or treating and bring back sacks full of candy for me to raid. I’m 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that I don’t eat all their candy, but I can just floss a little more and they will never know. HAHAHAHAHAHA (in the Vincent Price voice from Micheal Jackson’s Thriller).

In other news, I have a really short but spooky story for you. As a guy who doesn’t really like kids, even his own that much, I had a babysitting gig. Well, not me, but my wife. She volunteered to watch our Great Niece and I just happened to be in the room. She occasionally had to hand the baby thing to me and I had to figure out how to make it stop crying and make my back cry even less. Suffice it to say, it was really spooky; for me and the baby. I think she was returned in one piece, though a little stinkier and less than stellar shape. What’s worse is my back feels bad. More about me, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures:

This guy…

…didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

This is how I move…

…in the morning too.

I feel this guy’s pain…

…I have anger management issues too.

My favorite…

…meal in October.

Carving pumpkins…

…without a sharp knife is scary.

I hate it when I get stuck…

…inside my car seat.

Or wear the wrong costume…

…to a party.

Some people…

…are just a little too into pumpkin spice.

And others get just a little…

…too much into character.

Transformers…

…roll out.

 

Thankfully…

…the pumpkin will wear off eventually.

Would that be…

…such a shame?

Hopefully things won’t get too much more spooky for you from here on out. This time of year kind of gets to be a speed round of holidays and it’s hard to keep up. Thankfully as an old dude, I just kind of sleep through most of it anyways. Just don’t let your kids be babysat by me. Or I might accidentally sit on them.

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Bitter Spooky Story Ben

Free Time Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When you are younger all you want is for people to pay attention to you. Feed me, cuddle me, give me toys, take me to the park.

When you get older and can feed yourself, get all the cuddling you can handle from your kids, get all the toys you really want, and can’t stand running in the park anymore, you just want people to leave you the heck alone.

With work swallowing up 40+ hours a week, family swallowing up 25+ and sleep 40+ a week, there really isn’t that much time for the old bitter self.  Why does everyone else require so much time from me, but Bitter Guy can’t get a few minutes every few weeks? We’ll leave the answer up to the Bitter Friday Giftures.

It doesn’t help that people…

…are they way that they are.

Why does everyone always have to…

…act so helpful?

I said…

…I’m done talking.

Maybe I will look forward…

…to my days of not being able to hear so well.

I have to do something important…

…like play games.

My favorite thing…

…to do.

How I feel…

…whenever someone says a word.

Whenever some asks me…

…for directions.

Just curious.

Neither do I…

…why are you here again?

Yeah…

…you stay over there.

Alrighty…

…gotta go.

What are some of your best tactics for letting people know you gotta go? I always just start inching toward the door and pretending I can’t hear you. Do you have any advice for me so I can get better at people avoidance?

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Bitter Avoiding people Ben

Car Investigative Report Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When we wake up to get ready for school/work, we turn on the news. I despise most news because it is all just a bunch of politics and bad news about murder and court appearances and such. But every once in a while, a news story comes along where you can just make fun of people. It’s the best.

One such story came up today about a person that drove their car into a lake. Happy memories of Micheal Scott from the Office came to mind as I happily recall him asking in the same episode, “WHERE ARE THE TURTLES!” As I was happily recalling those memories, I thought I heard the newscaster say that they were investigating the car to find out what happened. Obviously, the GPS was at fault, because it told you to turn right there. Just like this blog is taking right turn into Bitter Friday Giftures.

Some Fridays just feel like a…

…drive into a lake kind of day.

Other Fridays, you just want to drive…

…into a pool.

Other times…

…a simple garage will do.

Other times…

…you’re more in the mood to step it up a few levels.

Other times…

…you just feel like you’re on fire.

Other times…

…you feel like you are a stuntman.

Other times…

…you feel like some cars belong in the river.

Other times you feel like…

…finding just the right place to park.

Sometimes…

…it feels like everyone failed the parking part of driver’s ed.

Sometimes cars…

…just don’t know when to stop.

It’s fun…

…to play with full-sized remote control cars.

Just make sure your car…

 

…get’s a raise.

Treat your car right this weekend okay? Let it have some fun getting out there, driving into a lake, or speeding along a really nice curve or even knocking another one into the river. It doesn’t just want to hang in the garage or parking lot all weekend. Let it have some fun for once.

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Bitter Car Day Friday Ben

Harry Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I was watching Harry Potter last night and it reminded me of something spooky. No, not witches and wizards or Horcruxes or Voldemort. It reminded me of something I did just yesterday. I didn’t like my haircut, so I fixed it myself. My hair is already bad enough, but then letting myself hack it up even more is a really bad idea.

I just took the old Wahl clippers out and hacked the side of my hair. I just can’t stand when it gets long, because then it reveals how many grey hairs there are, and that is my best look. I got hair all over the sink and in my hair(ironically) so I had to sweep in all up and take a shower to get it all out. Luckily, my wife didn’t notice until I told her and she cares more that I didn’t spend $12.95, than how my hair turned out. Anyways, so it was a pretty Harry situation. See how Harry Potter reminded me of my bad hair cut? I’m guessing you would just rather it reminded me to do the Friday Bitter Giftures so you could get on with your day. Here you go:

Who’s ready for the weekend…

…and not for Monday?

Who’s ready to be a little…

…unicorny this weekend?

Who’s ready to make…

…their TV debut this weekend?

Who is going to me talking to their animals…

…this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to meet a celebrity this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to FACE the music this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to start a boy band this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…drop the mic this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to go on a road trip this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to flip out this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…go to the beach this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

 

…go dancing this weekend?

None of you? Yeah me either.

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Bitter Harry Potter Ben

John Wick Bitterness

Spoiler Warning: They are all about the same.

I’ve never understood the Phone wars (Samsung v. Iphone) or the mobile network wars (T-Mobile v. ATT v. Verizon v. Sprint). At this point all of them are pretty much the same and do about the same thing. I think they all pretty much suck at phone calls (which is fine because I don’t call anyone), they all allow you to text, take pictures to send to Facebook and Instagram, and they all have pretty decent, close-to-lasting-all-day- batteries. Really, they all are glorified games machines for most people. Don’t even pretend you use them for work or those fancy features they show on TV.

Basically, you just want a network so you can complain about how slow it is and a phone that cuts out only when you really need it.  I have a Samsung phone and a T-Mobile plan. T-Mobile has a feature called T-Mobile Tuesdays, in which you can get discounts or free stuff. Most of it is garbage like free hats or 1 Taco if you buy 12 at Taco Bell. There is one, however, that our family looks forward to every month, which is the free rental from Redbox.

Because we have three T-Mobile phones in the house we get three codes that have to be used within the week. We all save them and then the countdown in on until next Tuesday. They often do the free rentals on weeks that have absolute garbage, so we have to really reach deep into the Redbox archives, so we’ve seen some things that we don’t really want to talk about.

So many things.

This weeks binge was tight because we hardly had any time with all the school, work and sports activities. We finally decided on John Wick, even though I had already seen it, but loved it, so I was ready for another Wickathon.

Since I had seen it already, I was able to make more observations than the first time. What I realized in watching it the second time is that basically John Wick is just a grown up version of Hide and Seek. That’s right. While this movie is dense with lore about some High Table, Continental underground assassin society with a bunch of rules, it’s basically Hide and Seek.

The movie starts just after the events of John Wick 2.  John Wick brokes the rules of the game(he killed someone at the Continental, which is the safehouse for assassins) at “base” and now he is it. Every assassin in the network has to count to 10 (in the movie it is half an hour) and John has to hide the best he can. Then, when the timer is up, everyone has to find John.

Tag, you’re it. Nope you missed me. You’re it.

The problem is because he broke the rules of tagging someone at the base, he can no longer use the base as safe anymore. So he runs all around the world, avoiding tag (he is one of the best in the world at hiding and seeking), but the odds are pretty overwhelming. So he visits his former tag buddy Hallie Berry in Casa Blanca. She owes him a favor, so she helps him visit someone who will help him, and then her dogs help him avoid getting tagged by the guys fortress.

In the meantime, this lady who is apparently in charge of punishing people for breaking the rules tells John he is it and has to tag someone else, or he’s out of the game (dead). When John says no, she calls mommy (the head of the high table) because John and Winston aren’t playing fair.

I’m calling mom.

The other hilarious moment that made me realize that this was really just a grown up game of tag, was when John was being chased by a guy on a motorcycle and just as the guy is about to tag Wick, John jumps off his motorcycle and touches the steps of the Continental to show that he is safe at base, so the guy chasing him isn’t allowed to tag him.

What other movies have made you think of things like tag? What other movies remind you of a kids game but just grown up? Lemme know in the comments.

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Bitter Grown Up Tag Ben

 

 

Venmo Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There is a social media app out there that I think many of you are missing out on.  On the surface you might think that Venmo is just another way to convenient way to pay people without actually paying them, but you would be wrong. In fact, if you are on Instagram mostly just to look at other people’s pictures, which I mostly am, this app takes it to a whole other level. If you think looking at other people’s pictures is slick, just wait until you see what other people are paying for. For some strange reason (probably my entertainment), when you pay someone on Venmo you can use emojis to express what you paid people for.

But the most bizarre feature on Venmo is that most people’s payments are public. Basically anyone you have ever paid, or got paid for on Venmo can choose to make their payment to another either private or public. I usually choose private, but most people either don’t care, or don’t remember to make it private. This leaves you with a timeline like on Facebook or Instagram, but more entertaining, because people usually use really funny emoji’s that they think are an inside joke, but really they are public to people like me who are just reading the timeline to figure out what you are doing with your cash.

Not only does it allow me to sneakily find out what you are doing, but also all your inside jokes. And that you have way too much money and should be Venmoing some to me. Enough about the latest social media app. Let’s talk Bitter Friday Giftures.

Let’s all pretend…

…that we are living for enlightenment.

Let’s all pretend…

…that we just want to make the world a better place.

Let’s all pretend…

…we’re just trying to learn new things.

Let’s make believe…

…we’re all just trying to connect.

Let’s live in a Utopian world…

…where we are just learning to dance.

Let’s think we have meaning…

…because we came up with a new idea.

Let’s think of a magical world…

…where you are loved because of your personality.

Let’s pretend…

…life is fun because of spending time with others.

Let’s pretend we live in a world…

…where making it rain is just the water from the skies.

Let’s pretend that we live in world…

…this isn’t everyone’s favorite kind of lettuce.

Let’s pretend we live in a world…

…where this guy is saying, “SHOW ME THE CUSTOMER SERVICE AND ATTENTION!”

Let’s live in a world where this girl is famous… 

…for her talents.

I know you all believe that talent, and enlightenment, making the world a better place and spending time with others is real purpose of life, but let’s be honest with ourselves. You know those reasons I listed why Venmo was the best social media app at the beginning of this post? It was all lies. The reason why Venmo is the best social media out there is because cash.

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Bitter Venmo Loving Ben

 

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