Bitter Not So Best Seller

Image result for batman movie 1989
Shouldn’t have read this.

When the first Batman movie came out with Micheal Keaton as Batman and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, it was a big deal. Back then it was very rare to get any comic book movie at all, and this was the first legit Batman movie. Sure there was a movie in which Batman fought a shark, but this is the first one that had a real budget. I was in high school and I remember the unbelievable hype surrounding me.  I was hyped.

I was so hyped that I decided to read the “novelized screenplay” book right before I saw the movie. I liked the book alright, but it absolutely ruined the movie for me. It was one of the most disappointing movie experiences I had in some time. In fact, it made me very weary to read a book I hadn’t read before I saw a movie. I did read the Harry Potter books before I saw the movie, but there was some time before I saw any of them, and I purposely didn’t read or re-read them before I saw the movie. And besides, the Harry Potter movies changed the books enough that reading them didn’t necessarily ruin the movies.

I know the rule is that the books are always better than the movies, but I don’t always agree. I think the Matrix was way better than the book. Also, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Inception and Rocky, are all better than the books. Okay, probably because they weren’t ever based on books, but that is besides the point.

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The movie was much better than the book.

That leads me to the question, “Has there ever been a movie made that was based on a novel that wasn’t a best seller?”

All I know is every time they hype a movie, they are always selling the movie by proclaiming, “Based on the controversial best selling novel, Blard: The Time Travelling Whale!” or “Come see the laugh-a-minute hi-jinks of the movie based on H. Herbert Halladay’s classic romantic crime comedy best seller, Run of the Wildabeast’s in NYC!”

I assume that movie producers are just scouring the New York Times looking for novel 11 to move up to 10 so they can snatch it up, regardless of how good it is, how adaptable it is to me made into a movie, or if it is a kid’s book that is only 14 words long.

Let’s just get down to the reason why I really care. Do you think someone can just buy my finished, but not really finished novel that has not only not sold one copy, but not been bound into one copy to be sold? In other words, I have a book, but I haven’t had time to finish it and I was just wondering if some Hollywood writer can finish the book, give me all the credit and profits from movie?

So you do all the work and I get all the credit right?

That’s all I really ask. Do you think that is too much? Don’t worry, it is a really good book, but typing is really hard.

What do you guys think? Do you have any connections to a Hollywood writer, reader, producer or actor? Just one should be all I need.

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Bitter Not Quite Best Seller Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces you Never Want to Leave by Joanna Gaines. It’s just a matter of time before this one makes the best seller list so they can make a movie out of it. Just make sure to watch the movie first, then read the book so you don’t ruin it, aight?

 

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Bitter Parking Spaces

More holidays to do stuff like this.

There are a lot of debates out there. I don’t normally get into them unless I have huge amounts of ammo for one side, or I care way too passionately about them. For instance, I will talk to you all day long about how the United States of America needs way more federal holidays. Let’s face the facts, people. We work way too much. It’s great that we work so hard as a nation, but we also need to relax more, or we will experience massive burnout someday.

There is another debate out there that has to do with space. Not jumping on the moon kind of space, but the amount of space we have on our planet. I think this debate is purely point of view based. For instance, if you live in a crowded city like New York, New Delhi, or Newcastle, you probably think people are consuming the earth and space, and the fight for space is real. You probably think humans should stop procreating and just stop eating, drinking and building new homes and buildings.

On the other hand, if you are one of those people like me that lived in a place where there were hardly any people, South Dakota, you laugh heartily and say, “Why don’t all those people that live in China, India, Japan and New York just relocate to the middle of South Dakota and start something new there? They would debate with me on that and say something like food, water, infrastructure and in the middle of January, uh, freezing cold -50 degrees.

To which I would argue, South Dakota has corn, lots of it, and it rains and snows sometimes there, so there is your liquid, and infrastructure, if they can build a 500 story building in Tokyo or Dubai, they certainly could figure out one in South Dakota.

Plenty of no people here.

I just think we have so much space, but people tend to want to live near other people, even though most of those people annoy them so much. Another thing that annoys me so much is the space we get to park. I’ve got plenty of space in my house. What I don’t have is space in a crowded parking lot.

During Christmas, parking is most vexing, but it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is in most places. Almost all of them have reserved spaces. I’m down with handicapped spaces. They came in really handy for us when my mother-in-law lived with us and she needed to go to a store. She was less than mobile and needed every advantage to get into a store.

What’s next, reserved parking for audio departments?

Nowadays, there are more than just handicapped spots, and they are getting more vexing as time goes. It isn’t even the fact that we have to park farther back, but the trickiness that is involved in putting those spots there. There are spots for expectant mothers (how do they monitor those?), police officers, elderly, and now there are almost completed dedicated to pick up food and grocery spots. I can’t wait to see what they come up with next, but if they come up with any more, they will only have specialized spots and 1 spot for everyone else. And FYI, we don’t need a spot for police officers, they can basically park wherever they want.

What reserved spots have you seen that make you bitter? What spot would you like created just for you? When does it all stop?

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Bitter Space Eaters Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: DJI Mavic Pro Drone – Gray. If you are tired of trying to find parking in lots, maybe shrinking down to the size of a drone and having your tech saavy son is the best move. If it is, I would suggest getting DJI Mavick Pro Drone from Target. They are pretty sweet, they take video, and they are awesome rides when you are a couple inches tall. They are also $799.99 right now which is $200 off. Get your drone today!

 

Store Discount

Yep. Can’t imagine how heated.

Believe it or not, my wife is supportive of my blogging efforts, as long as it doesn’t interfere with real work and family duties, which is has from time to time. In the beginning, I didn’t even tell her I had a blog, because I wasn’t sure she would like me writing about bitter things. But when she saw how funny it was and how I was getting readers responding to my posts, she started being okay with it.

What is kind of crazy is now, is several dozen of my post ideas came directly from her. Jay Mohr, the comedian and villain of Jerry McGuire once said that it wasn’t the things he had in common with his wife that made their love strong. It was the mutual distaste and complaining they both agreed on their kept them together. I absolutely believe that is true. My wife and I don’t have a lot in common. She is a girl and I’m a boy. I love sports and going out to movies. She doesn’t love sports, and likes staying in for movies. She loves Hallmark movies, I love making fun of Hallmark movies. She loves going to stores to spend money, I love going to stores to look…at other people.

What we have in common is complaining about others and observing the dumb things people do. We just start lighting up when we find something to complain about together.

Always something to complain about.

This weekend was a prime example. We went to McDonald’s and now they have those machines you have to use to order. As convenient as you would think they are to use, they are a little tricky to find the right categories. You have to tell them what you want on each burger, fry and drink, and then let them know what you want extra. It takes a little while to make sure you get everything right, and I observed almost everyone in the store having a little trouble and taking a lot of time. Nice for McDonald’s, not so much for the people ordering.

The worst part was when the touch screen wasn’t working on our machine. We were halfway through our order and couldn’t go any further. We each tried using what we thought was our special sense of touch to get it to work, but nothing did. My wife got so frustrated that she started slapping the machine and getting the attention of everyone around us.

They all started expressing their frustration, so she finally decided that we weren’t going to do the machine and just order from the cashier. Problem was, everyone was so busy either making food or catering to the precious drive through people, that we stood there for 5 minutes. My wife had enough and was like, “Excuse me, does anyone work here?! Are we going to have to go in the kitchen and make our own burgers?” Finally someone heard her anger and quickly moved toward the register.

Is anything in order around here?

After some frustration and bitterness, we finally got it ordered, even though the salad my wife wanted “wasn’t in stock”, so she didn’t even get her food. She assured me that she would be keeping the receipt so she could let the survey people have a piece of her mind. Needless to say, we won’t be going back there anytime soon.

What this experience brought up was an idea she had for stores and such. You know how we as the consumer are doing more of the work? Like McDonald’s we are ordering from the machine, or at a grocery store, we are not only checking out by ourselves more, but also scanning the items, and bagging our own groceries? Why aren’t we getting discounts for doing all the work for these people. I know they are there for something, but it seems like we have to do more work. We might as well get a discount for it.

What do you think? Should we get a discount for doing all this work at stores now? What problems have you had with fast food or grocery stores lately?

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Bitter Discounted Rate Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Oreo Love Cookies. If you are having a hard time communicating your love for someone, stop saying things and just present things to them that show your love. How about Love Oreos? New at Target.

 

Danger Friday Giftures

 

As the old man in the cave in Legend of Zelda said to Link, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.” He was just being nice and handing Link a sword so he could survive all the weird acting animals in the world, but I think his advice is pretty strong today. It is definitely not safe to go outside. There are dangers everywhere like the sun, the moon, fresh air, and no couches. It seems like everytime someone leaves to go outdoors, something happens. So if you must, grab a sword, because that is the only way to keep safe from weird acting animals. Clearly, some people didn’t heed my warning, because there is no shortage of Bitter Friday Giftures.

As soon as this guy stepped outside…

…nothing but trouble. 

Ever feel like Indiana Jones…

…as soon as you step outside? 

Saving the day…

…seems out of the question. 

Running outside…

…just gets you nowhere. 

Flipping out…

…does you no good.

Camping is never…

…not a disaster. 

Even jumping…

…is much harder outdoors.

The wildlife…

…is way wilder outdoors. 

Backpacking is…

…nothing but a burden.

Exercise…

…outdoors is pretty useless.

Even Sasquatch…

…prefers the indoors.

Well, at least we finally found…

…the best outdoor attire. 

So in conclusion, make sure to avoid danger at all costs. Stay indoors, don’t go camping, run to the safety of your couch. Or at least walk.

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Bitter Danger is not my middle name Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Dot. Not only will this little device keep you safe from those nasty outdoors, but they will keep you laziness at its peak. No longer do you need to get up to do anything anymore. Just make the Amazon Echo Dot do it. Super sale right now. Only $24.99, which is 38% off. Get two if you must!

Unnecessary Jobs

Quick, activate good husband mode! 

 

Several years ago, I was up late playing my favorite video game, and my wife was trying to sleep. She woke suddenly and complained about really painful heartburn. Usually, she takes a Tums and feels better afterward. But for some reason, that wasn’t working, and she was complaining about intense pain that wasn’t going away. I begrudging turned on good husband mode and paused the game for a second. I went into the bathroom and asked her if she was alright. Do you need to go to the emergency room?

She was like YES, I can’t take this anymore. So against all my safe driving instincts, I drove her to the hospital as if she was having a baby, which we came to find out wasn’t, but pretty close to it. It was her gall bladder and she needed to get surgery to remove it.

For some reason, humans have these body parts they don’t actually need to survive. Actually, we have quite a few. There are the truly unnecessary ones like the gall bladder, the appendix, and tonsils. Then there are other things that while inconvenient, you can live without too. Things like fingers, arms, legs, and hair(I know all too well about this one). Somethings you just can’t live without like brain, heart, (lungs maybe?) and a few other vital ones.

Society is the same way. There are some jobs that are so vital that if we didn’t have them society just wouldn’t survive. Doctors keep us alive longer. The presence of police officers keeps societies from complete anarchy. Some government is important for defense and economy. Teachers educate us so we can learn enough to get jobs and such.

The other day I had to fax something to the state, and since we don’t have a fax machine in our house, we went to our local Workforce services to do so. What I found was an almost comical situation which made me think we could eliminate some government spending.

I’m just looking, thanks.

As soon as I walked into the center, I was greeted by a gentleman that asked me what I could help them with. You know, much like an employee at a clothes store. Not 100% necessary, but if I had a more difficult question, he could probably at least find me an answer or someone else that could help me.

The comical part was when I told him what I needed to do. “I just need to fax something to the state.” About two feet away from me was not one but two fax machines that I could use to fax the papers. As a fairly educated person and with 15 years or more of experience using such complicated machines as faxes, I could almost certainly figure out how to fax things on my own.

That wasn’t needed though, because both fax machines were manned by adult male people, who I assume had their job to help do. Since I had two documents going to two different fax numbers, I had two competent fax-sending-trained dudes help me fax two documents.

Two people fighting over the chance to fax something for me. 

I often wonder how people in finance and computer, and marketing and middle management can get laid off for only doing 18 hours of work in an 8 hour period, but somehow two guys whose government jobs are to help people fax things stay comfortably employed with our tax dollars.

Clearly, life doesn’t make any sense.

What are some jobs you have seen that seem amazingly unnecessary? What are some body parts you could probably do without?

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Bitter Unnecessary Ben

 

Target Deal of the Day: Beach Babe Comforter Set. Talk about unnecessary things. Comforters on top of blankets on top of sheets. But if you must have these comforters that keep you warm at night and fashionable during the day, might as well get them on sale at Target. They are 20% off for only $79.99, regularly $99.99. Stay unnecessarily warm tonight!

 

Bittercademy Awards

Me in the movies most of the time.

I like movies because they are the dressier cousin of TV. While the newest and best movies require you to be some sort of dressed and pay money and get popcorn and sit in a seat that isn’t a couch, they don’t require you to think too much. Some require you to think if you want to know what is going on, but still, mostly you can just let go and enjoy the ride. Though I do dislike the fact that there are other people that also sit in the theater with you…most of the time.

One time when I was off work for a week, I decided to go to a movie. My son wasn’t old enough to see the movie, and it was the middle of the day, so I went to see the movie by myself, which is totally acceptable in my mind. I guess it wasn’t that popular, or no one was in the mood for violence that day, because I was the only person in the entire theater.

It was both an amazing and bizarre experience. I could have stood up and screamed at all the funny, scary, awesome movie moments if I wanted to. Or I could have taken 2 seats or put my feet up on the chair in front of me. I think I went with the latter because I’m lazy and not very decisive when it comes to doing things.

Time to go home.

I just heard “The Academy” just came out with their annual nominations of mostly movies I’ve never heard of, sprinkled with one or two we all have, just to appease the masses so the rest of us will watch the show on TV. I’m sure we will all pretend that we know how great that one movie was, even though none of us have ever seen it, nor intend to.

I created a film last year, and I was hoping it would have at least been nominated for something. If nothing else, I should have been nominated for best director for all the trials I had to go through. And also best editing. It was a film I did with the Cub Scouts and I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but they were the worst actors I’ve ever worked with. And I’ve worked with me. And I’m terrible. Once when my mom asked me if I took the candy in the dish, I told her no. She didn’t believe me.

So how does a guy go about getting nominated anyway? Does it take being in a theater? If so, I know someone who has an in home theater. Does that count?

We finally agree on something, Kayne.

I think the best way to get nominated is to start my own awards for movies. If you make a bitterly bad movie in 2019, submit your movies to me and I will comb through the 10’s of movies and you might be nominated for an award. Look forward to that on BEN (Bitter Entertainment Network) sometime in 2020.

What movies are you guys glad got nominated? What movies are you going to submit to BEN?

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Bitter Bencademy Awards Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Incredibles 2 Blu-Ray. If you are too lazy to make it to the theater to see an Academy Award-nominated film, you can just get on Target.com and order this one. It is on sale for $19.99, which 13% off the regular price. How about that?

Tidying up With Bitter Ben

Some people are good at things. 

A lot of people are really good at things in their everyday lives that seem pretty inconsequential. Some people are great at doing laundry. They know the right temperature, the best fabric softener and the setting that every piece of clothing should be set at. Other people are amazing at cooking. They have a knack for putting just the right ingredient with just the right spices to create flavor Nirvana on other people’s lips. Just look at Ratatouille. That vermin could cook. It took talent for experimentation and finding just the right place and opportunity, but he made it work. In the end, he got his world-famous mouse restaurant.

I love to watch TV. I get praised for my ability to sit around and do nothing while soaking in all the amazingness of TV. When I say praise, I really mean scorned, but you get the drift. I think just about anything I see on TV is entertaining in some way. Even reality TV about mundane things like sitting in a house with other housemates vying for the Head of Household, or getting stranded on a faraway island with some random nitwits has some sort of entertainment value.

But then along came this lady from Japan, Marie Kondo, who wrote a book about selling people on the life changingness of folding your clothes and telling them that you love them before stuffing them back into the closet never to be worn again. Or folding them in a way that shows your utmost respect for them by sending them away to the summer camp of Goodwill, or other thrift stores where someone else will treat them just as disrespectfully as you did when you had them.

Please tell me more about folding clothes.

Now this woman is so persuasive in fooling us into loving our clothes that she has obtained a Netflix show helping families to clear their clutter in her amazing method. I haven’t seen the Clothes Whisperer show yet, but I imagine it is really nice families that are just a little bit messy and need her to come in, organize their closets and leave them with a life-changing amount of junk for the Goodwill. I guess it is super helpful for her and a few people, but what are the Goodwill stores supposed to do with all the garbage people keep getting rid of?

I had the displeasure of watching her on Rachel Ray today and can I tell you that I’ve almost never been bored watching TV, but today I was. She and Rachel Ray (who I’ve heard is a pretty terrible person behind the scenes, which is why I don’t like her), spent about 10 minutes on television…folding things. She showed us how uncompelling TV can be. Even TV remodeling shows are smart enough to show paint drying in fast forward. They didn’t. I had to sit through 10 painstaking minutes watching two people fold things and I about died from boredom.

So thanks for that, Raychel Ray and Marie Kondo.

Remind me to start my next show about grass growing in real time. I can’t wait to see the promos for that show.

What shows have you been forced into watching that were as slow as drying paint?

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The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Men’s Authentic Fleece Sweatshirt Full Zip – C9 Champion Charcoal Heather XXL – You will always need something to practice the art of folding with. How about this hoody that your kid will throw on the ground always?

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