Crystal Cloudy Bitter Friday Giftures

 

People have been trying to teach me a lot of stuff lately. Obviously when you start a new job, they have to teach you the ways of the Jedi, and or, the ways the company work and what you are supposed to do every day.

The other day, my wife was telling me that she had to train me on how to pay bills, where account numbers are, where kids social security numbers are etc. I was like, don’t make me do that please, I’ve really enjoyed my 19 year time off from having to think about those things. Anyways, my mom asked me something the other day and asked if it was crystal clear.

Of course, being a guy that is a little slow on the uptick, I said, not really, it’s kind of crystal cloudy. That is when thing are less than crystal clear, ie, all this explanation to you about Bitter Friday Giftures. Hopefully, you all just skipped the intro and went straight to the Giftures:

 

Okay, lettuce…

…talk about this for a minute.

I mean…

…water we all doing here?

It is time…

…to get down to business.

I see a lot of…

 

…Stark contrasts here.

Let’s be honest…

…some people just need to be unleashed.

Some people or superpeople…

…are just too good for the rest of us.

Some people live for the week…

…while others live for the weekend.

Other people…well…

…have no idea what day it is.

Some people do a lot of work…

…while others have work done for them.

While others like me…

…just like to sleep on the job.

Some people think they got it all handled…

…until they realize they don’t.

Do you know what is Crystal Cloudy…

…not this stuff.

Whatever you do this weekend, or other days of the week, just make sure you let people know that whatever they are saying to you is crystal cloudy. Then they will have to explain things to you again, or think that they aren’t training you right. Either way, you get them to be crystal cloudy and that is a great way to confuse people, and great way to start a day.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Crystal Cloudy Ben

 

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Interviewing Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I don’t normally get too political, but when that stuff is crammed down your throat on TV on every single channel, all day long, you kind of sort of have to have an opinion. Not necessarily on one side of an issue or another, but some sort of opinion. Whether that opinion is that our country is a little screwed up with so many corrupt politicians and celebrities, both morally and moneywise, or you are just tired of them talking, you have an opinion.

My opinion is that they need to stop interviewing people. That Mueller guy looked really uncomfortable. One guy or girl after another getting their five minutes to question, yell at, coerce, manipulate, read back multiple statements and grill him like he was the burger at the summer barbecue.

All I gotta say is he got off pretty easy. He only had to do it for one day. Me, on the other hand, I’ve spent the last six months, cowtowing to HR managers, social media managers, SEO managers, marketing managers, and owners of companies. I’m guessing a few politicians snuck into a few interviews, just for good measure. I spoke in small rooms and palatial palaces. I went to a few companies two or three times, dealt with companies that had ping pong tables, scooters and Segways. I walked into some that had a broom closet to interview in.

I’ve showered, shaved, dressed up in uncomfortable suits, worn fancy tight socks, worn shoes with laces, ties in every shade of purple. I missed an in person interview because there was blizzard and sweated profusely in a fifth floor building that felt like they couldn’t afford air conditioning. The interview process needs to stop. I have a few ideas, and a whole lot of hatred toward the process. Let’s stop talking about interviewing for a while and just start Bitter Friday Gifturing.

I’m pretty sure…

 

…at least one company made me do this.

Almost did this one…

…but haven’t perfected the bottle flip yet.

I know how to…

…do things.

Sadly…

…I’ve had interviews that went worse.

I’ve definitely been on the other side…

 

…of this call.

I feel you…

…Lisa Simpson.

Not sure what was worse…

 

…beginning of date, or beginning or interview.

Not sure where to go…

…when talking on a phone interview.

After you know…

…you tanked that phone interview.

When you walk into…

…a group interview.

Would you like some water…

…before we start?

Not sure what is worse…

…end of date or end of interview.

…or the end of this blog post. All I know is the only thing I want to do after an interview is bathe myself in the tears. My tears, the tears of the people that were laughing at my interview and all the sweat that turned into tears. The fact that anyone has hired me after all these years is a testament that they must have seen past all the awkwardness and realized that maybe they just needed someone to chop off when their struggling company goes down in flames. Who’s looking forward to me doing this again in a year? Possibly only bloggers that love to see others pain.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Interview Weirdness Ben

Bat Crazy Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Yesterday started out pretty normal. I went to work, got stuff done, came home got some dinner, listened to my daughter excitedly talk about her birthday today and then I retreated to my favorite place in the world, the couch for some chill. Just as my wife was getting ready to go to bed, she got a call. You know, the one you always dread. My son was hiking in the mountain with his church troop and he was playing in some water and slipped. Gashed his leg really well. If anything, the kid is good at injuring himself. His leaders had to bring him home and we needed to bring him to the ER. He ended up with 17 stitches and quite a bit of attention. Just when we thought it couldn’t get weirder, we to look at our porch and we saw Bruce Wayne’s little brother that bit him and turned him into Batman. On that strange note, Bitter Friday Giftures.

Yeah, this guy…

…was hanging out on the porch.

I was thinking the weekend was swift approaching…

…when things came to a screeching halt.

My co-worker’s were being so great…

…until they were not.

I felt like I was just falling asleep…

…when the band came marching in.

Just when I was melding into my person no talk shield…

…the shield broke.

Last night I think I might have heard some…

…sonic waves.

Just spit it out…

...so we can get it over with. 

Go ahead…

…do something or whatever.

What is happening…

…around here?

You know what…

…I’m always disappointed.

Yesterday was definitely…

…unbelievable.

Ummm…yeah…

…you don’t want to look there.

That is…

…for dang sure.

I assume that because we had all the drama last night that today will be perfectly and regularly bitter. No interruptions, no crazy things happening…yes that is what is going to happen.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Batty Ben

 

 

Insuring Bitter Saturday Giftures

 

Who knew that this guy would ever have a job again? Who knew that not only would he be working in an industry he used to think was the biggest scam? That’s right, I work in insurance now. Don’t worry though, I don’t actually do anything with your accounts; that would be scary. No I just social media it. The funny part about all that is we are required to get our insurance license, so technically I could be the one who does your insurance at least in this state. Anyways, I never thought I would join the bitter industry. Let’s just say like most actors, it’s fun to play the bitter guy in movies. With further ado, here are this week’s Bitter Saturday Giftures.

Vegans that eat french fries…

…are joining the dark side.

All the sun this summer…

…is making my skin join the dark side.

Career long OKC player…

…joins the bitter side by joining Houston.

Dog tries to join the dark side…

…fails.

This is me whenever someone tries to talk to me…

…about things.

There’s always that one friend…

…who won’t let it go.

Actually…

…you should all take it personally.

Sometimes I wish…

…I wish I was camouflaged like this guy.

That’s why it always feels…

…why this guy is so udderly ridiculous.

Man geese are the worst…

…because they remind me so much of myself. 

Don’t let the…

…fake smile fool you.

This is how it feels to be…

…in a conversation.

Now that I’ve joined the bitter side of industry, I’m sure you will all not want to talk to me. Why didn’t I think of this earlier?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Insuring your Nightmares Ben

 

Playtime is Over Bitter Friday Giftures

 

It’s been really fun the last six months sitting around the house, applying for jobs, getting prepared for interviews, getting fun questions from people like, “How’s the job search going?” and “Have you found any leads?” or “Tell me a little about about yourself” and “Why do you think you are the best person for this job?” I’m going to miss the sleepless nights, the hopeless mornings, and anxiety ridden thoughts at all times of the day about what is going to happen in my career. I’m going to miss the feelings of inadequacy and the questions about how a young 23 year college graduate somehow has more of a grasp on social media, content creation and Google Analytics than me. Yeah, the days of fancy freeness and doing nothing all day is over. This guy is finally growing up and accepted a job. I guess I will have to start dealing with stability and responsibility and doing things during the day. I’m going to have to start experiencing a steady paycheck and contributing to society. The only thing that is not going to change is a weekly contribution to the internet called Bitter Friday Giftures.

Now that I have a job…

…no more dancing around like an idiot.

Now that I have a job…

…no more playing with things like bubbles.

Now that I have a job…

…there is no more time for chasing my tail around all day.

Now that I have a job…

…there will be no more outside play.

Now that I have a job…

…there will be no more writing weird things on my blog.

Now that I have a job…

…there will be no more barely missing targets.

Now that I have a job…

…there is no more not meeting goals.

Now that I have a job…

…there is no more letting things slide.

Now that I have a job…

…every day will be Monday.

Now that I have a job…

…transportation will be very important.

Now that I have a job…

…overcoming hurdles will be of utmost importance.

Now that I have a job…

…I will have to leap to greater heights.

Now that I have a job…

…playtime is over.

Look forward to only serious posts, nothing fun or interesting and definitely nothing but business, seriousness and grown up posts from now on. Playtime is over.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Business Ben

 

Weather or Not Bitter Friday Giftures

 

For some reason, Al Roker seems to be getting more attention this year. Yeah, his glasses are weird colors and he is extremely short compared to his co-workers, but that doesn’t seem to be it. It’s because he is a meteorologist on the Today show and well, the weather has been a little wackadoodle this year. Snow in Seattle has cause them to be in school until almost July. Tornadoes and flooding has decimated the midwest. And worse than all of that rain has caused our son’s baseball season to be moved out like three weeks. Last night the wind blew over one of our pillows on the front porch. What is going on here? I’m thinking the weather needs to chill out. Well, not chill but you know, just warm up a little. Instead of worrying about the weather, how about just view some of these Bitter Friday Giftures…

Sometimes the weather is…

…just making us dog tired.

In many offices…

…its quite scorching.

Other times…

…it feels like someone set the thermometer a little low.

Other times…

…I wonder if it is kite weather yet.

Summer is a time for…

…glamping.

While others are camping…

…in a lot less glamorous way.

Some people have to deal with the light rains…

…so they have enough room for their kiddie pools.

Who doesn’t enjoy…

…an umbrella storm on the nice sandy beach?

Who doesn’t enjoy…

 

…a nice relaxing canoe trip down the river?

After a lovely summer rain…

…who doesn’t enjoy jumping in the puddles?

Who doesn’t love a road trip…

…where the road is the one doing the driving?

Sometimes the weather…

…is lightening the way.

As you know, every summer is different and the only thing you can count on is that the weather will be changing. Enjoy your bitter summer.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Weather Ben

Best Time of the Year Bitter Friday Giftures

 

This week is my favorite of the year. Many people love December and all its holidays. Others love Thanksgiving and the chance to eat lots of food, shop and be with family. Others love Valentine’s Day (just kidding, no one loves Valentine’s Day, ironically). Some love the summertime for sun, sand, good weather and time for outdoor adventures. Not me. In fact, I love this time of year, not for the fact that the weather is nice, but because I get to stay inside MORE. I love video games because the enhance my laziness to the extreme that not even TV can manage. And this week of the year, is the biggest (or at least the most famous) gaming expo the world. All the biggest gaming companies (both hardware and software), except this year when Playstation decided to skip.

As with every great thing, there is also a downside. The excitement of seeing new games, new consoles and fancy new programs, continues the whole week. The problem is right after the conference is over. Just like when you come home from an awesome vacation, there is the letdown of it being over. Lots of games go away for a year or more, many won’t see releases for a couple years or more, and all the excitement fades in the summer months. Then you are stuck with your old crappy games you’ve been playing for months, knowing you won’t have anything to look forward to until next year when E3 comes back to save you from your early summer slump. Nothing can replace the excitement of E3, but Bitter Friday Giftures  are just going to have to do for now.

If I wasn’t a grown up…

…you know this is what I would do all summer.

 

Sometimes games are broken…

…sometimes legs are.

Video games…

…make everything better.

As video games teach us…

…doing nothing is always better than doing something.

No matter how bad things go in video games…

…they are always better than real life.

In video games, there is always another chance…

…in life, not so much.

Ping pong as a game…just painful…

…video games, much less so.

Who knew telling someone you were pregnant in a video game…

…would be so charming and non-grammarlike?

Only in video games…

…can a plumber swing a giant spiky turtle.

Only in video games…

…would you befriend a wild electric mouse.

Only in video games…

…would you hit a question mark above your head and expect money.

Only with video games…

…can you always be in control(er).

Today is pretty much the saddest day of the year. All the exciting announcements are being put to bed. All the biggest games are going back to the lab. All the biggest game makers are getting back to work. All the gamers are going back to the old sad games they have been playing that only have regular HD graphics and we have to suffer for 364 days until life is worth living again. Guess it is time to whine about how life sucks again and throw fits like little kids.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Video Gaming Time of Year Ben

 

 

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