Alexa and Google Bitterness

 

My daughter is always making sure that I’m up to date on the latest memes, though occasionally I find some of the older ones a lot funnier. One of my favorites of all time is the following: “This is my job. It’s soda pressing.”

One of my all-time favorites.

I don’t know if this next one is a meme, but it basically calls out James Bond. While he might be the most famous spy in the world, he is also the worst. Because the job of a spy is in people NOT knowing who you are. Do you know who the world’s best spy is? No one does. Because they are so good at it, nobody even suspects them.  It could be an ordinary Joe or someone that you work with. But, you will never know.

I didn’t really think about spies much and people listening in on my conversations until I saw that movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman (and even a young Jack Black!) called Enemy of the State. In the film, it showed how many cameras, listening devices, and bugs can and will be accessed if some organization(IE the government) needs to follow someone. In fact, the internet was pretty new back then, so with the addition of that and social media, it is near impossible not to be found if someone doesn’t want to find you.

It means everyone is bugging us.

The sad thing is that my life is so boring that there is no reason any organization would want to dedicate all the technology and effort into following me.

But, on the other hand, there is a reason why other spies would want to bug my house. Money. Companies want all the information they can get from us because that information can bring cash.

Who knew that some of the best spies would be unassuming ladies? Some ladies called Alexa, and Bixby, and Hey Google, and Cortana.

She doesn’t cure depression, but she does a dang good job of spying.

That’s right, these ladies had been hiding in our homes, spying on us for years and they were good at it. At first, we would wonder how, when the moment we mentioned that we needed some Great Harvest bread, it immediately showed up on our feed. We just chalked it up as good marketing.

Then, it started to get way less subtle and they were way more specific. The other day, I asked Alexa what the weather was for the day.

She immediately chimed in, “It’s going to be cold, kind of like how your wife is going to treat you if you don’t give her the Coach purse she just thought about a few seconds ago. Luckily it is on sale at Amazon.com for $450.42 this week for only 3 days.”

Then the other day I was in the shower after my wife left to go run an errand and I was alone in the house. When I got out, I heard the TV was on the QVC channel and my wallet (that I left in the other room) was out on the bed, and I heard Alexa reading my credit card number to the lady on the screen for an outfit that matched the purse for my wife.

My wife has never been happier with my gifts.

While I was appreciative that my wife liked the gifts, I also am not to sure how I’m going to pay back that bill. I assume at this point Alexa is able to go get a job to pay for all these things.

Then I might not object so much to all her and Hey Google listening to me all the time.  In fact, my wife would probably love it if I listened as much as Alexa did.

What are your guy’s experiences with Alexa and Hey Google? Any creepy spying being done in your house? Or it is nice to have someone in your house finally listen to you for once?

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Alexa and Hey Google Ben

Dreams Coming True Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Many people talk about their dreams coming true. Someone just got their dream job. Another met their dream man or woman. Someone else is going on a dream vacation. On the other hand, I do all those things. Except then I wake up. Most of the time, life is a bunch of days that look alike. You get up, go to work, or look for work, come home, eat dinner, sleep for several hours. When they say it is the grind, they aren’t kidding. And once a week, there is a bunch of bitter Giftures whether you asked for them or not. So if these gifs are your dream, then you are in luck. For everyone else it is just another part of the grind that happens every single Friday. At least it is consistent. So here we go with another edition of Bitter Friday Giftures.

Did somebody just get shades of…

…two different movies out this fall? 

If only my dreams were…

…more food-related. 

This is a more realistic view…

…of what happens to my dreams. 

Unfortunately, this is pretty close to the…

…dreams I have now. 

This is not what I mean…

…about following your dreams. 

Leering at your dreams…

…is also not an acceptable practice. 

You better be careful not to follow your dreams too closely…

…or you might end up with a restraining order.

Don’t follow your dream too closely…

…or you might end up colliding with the dreamer ahead of you.

When it comes to dreams aim low…

…like looking like James Harden when you walk backward.

Don’t aim too low though…

…because you might actually hit your target.

Definitely don’t aim too high…

…especially if you are afraid of heights.

Just be mediocre in everything you do…

…so you never stand out at all.

There you go, bitter dreamers. Don’t aim too high, or too low, definitely don’t dream big and don’t stalk your dreams as there may be a restraining order against you. Is that enough advice for you? Can you now just let me be so I can go spread the mediocre and bitter news somewhere else? What are your thoughts on dreams? Have you ever achieved one? I’m still waiting on realizing my first.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Dreams Not Coming True Ben

Eggcellent Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve been on a bitter diet lately, because my doctor told me I had to. I don’t know why doctors are always telling you such bitter news. You complain about one little thing (my knees, my back, my shoulder, can’t sleep, tired all the time, can’t make it up the stairs without breathing heavily, chest pains) and he thinks it’s related to my weight somehow.

Some people, I swear.  I told him that he has the power to give me some magical pills and I should be able to lose weight, and he did give me one for cravings, but other than that, he wasn’t much help. He did tell me that doctors were all wrong all those years and it turns out that carbs are the enemy, not fat. So I’ve been eating a lot of eggs and bacon, and cutting out some of the carbs. He told me no more candy too, which of course, he told me on FREAKING HALLOWEEN. Jerk.  Enough about how horrible doctors are, how about some Bitter Friday Giftures to eat, since I’m starving.

The only thing worse than being hungry…

…is ridiculous kids saying they are.   

The best part about having kids…

…is you can eat anything that is theirs and they can’t say anything about it. 

Me…

…around mid-afternoon. 

This is the only kind of…

…belly run I find acceptable. 

Even famous people…

…get a little hungry sometimes. 

Wile E. Coyote wasn’t a bad guy…

…he was just hungry.

Sometimes you just need to eat chicken nuggets…

…even though you are a chicken. 

Oh, sooo tempting…

…can I please have some more?

When your food is done…

…and you are still hungry. 

Sometimes food just can’t help…

…but fall into your mouth.

Sometimes you are as hungry…

…as a whole arm-y.

Food always…

…before family. 

Since food always comes before family, that is why so many arguements happen at Thanksgiving. Because we try to spend time with the ones we love, but family keeps getting in the way of spending it with food. Just a thought.

What is your guys relationship with food? Stronger than family I hope.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Eggcellent Friday Giftures Ben

 

 

 

 

Running on a Treadmill Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Whatever you do, don’t go to the doctor. You think you are just going there for a routine check or to get some pills so they can just easily cure you. Turns out that isn’t the case. They grilled me about everything that was wrong with me, and boy was there everything wrong with me. They did give me some pills, but way more than that, they gave me all kinds of assignments. Like, don’t eat any caffeine or chocolate for the rest of the day. On Halloween. Oh, and we need you to run on a treadmill. WTF?

In honor of having to run on a treadmill, here are a bunch of gifs that have to do with running in place and uselessness.

This is going to be me…

…today.

This is the closest to…

…space exploration I will ever be doing.

This is the kind of treadmill challenge…

…I am up to.

Who says…

…dinosaurs don’t exist?

Some people…

…get way into Halloween.

Some people are just in a hurry…

…to get treadmilling.

Some people become Ninja’s…

…just so they can run on treadmills. 

This is how I feel when they ask me to treadmill…

…leaf me alone. 

After a hard workout, I just wanna know…

…water you doing?

This is what I do…

…as soon as I finish with the treadmill.

This is how I feel…

…as soon as I finish working.

Me at work on Friday…

…when someone asks me to do something for the weekend.

Alright enough of this. I have to go get ready for the first and possibly last time I will be running on a treadmill. Wish me luck.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Treadmill Ben

Weening off Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into using long names for people. I’ve always been a nickname person. For each of my siblings, my wife and kids – I have nicknames for all of them. Who needs to call someone their long name? That requires so much effort. I even go by my short name. Can you imagine having to get bitter advice from a guy called Bitter Benjamin? It would be such a hassle to spell all those words out.

Which brings me to my point. Halloween is coming up and it has always been such a long name. Three syllables, 9 letters and a couple of repeat letters. I think it is time to ween ourselves off of the long version of the name and just call it Ween. Or Wen so we don’t repeat any letter.  You know, we probably need to just move onto the Bitter Friday Giftures just so we can cleanse our pallets of this ridiculous rant. Here they are:

Cats certainly don’t like…

…ween. 

Trees get a little short…

…because no one listens to them. 

Your playtime sometimes…

….needs to be shortened too. 

Sometimes even your poles…

…fall a little short.

Skateboards have a tendency…

…to fast track you to the hospital.

It always seems like things

…swing in other people’s favor.

What do you say…

…we kick things off.

Like mother…

…like son.

Some people are so talented…

…they can do things backward.

Sometimes…

…you just have to take a big leap of faith.

Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life…

…and hope that someone is there to catch you.

Sometimes you have to improvise…

…and hope nobody notices.

I like my posts just like I like my names. Short and bitter. Have a weekend.

ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Shortness Ben

Editing Bitterness

via GIPHY

 

I’ve been doing a whole lot of editing lately, and not of the written word. I’m really bad at that, even though my wife thinks I’m really good at it.  She always makes me edit my kid’s papers.  The problem is that their teachers start to believe that my kids are mediocre writers instead of the good ones that they really are. I mean, have you seen me edit my blog even once? This blog is a grammar graveyard, and that is just the spelling. If a professional editor ever got a hold of this thing, they would be seeing red in their nightmares for weeks, because of all the red pen they would need to use.

What I have been editing are videos. I have always liked editing video because first of all, you get to see all the funny footage, and second, you can very easily change the story just by what you take out and splice together. It’s kind of a fun process and also excruciatingly boring at the same time. The end result can shock and amuse. I hope to someday edit a Hallmark movie to make it good (by editing it as a horror story), or edit something great like John Wick and make it horrible.

via GIPHY

Sometimes I wish I could edit parts of my life. Not that I wouldn’t keep all the footage (you know for all those funny blooper-like moments). Honestly, it’s not like most of my life hasn’t been recorded like in The Truman Show. Let’s be honest, cameras are everywhere. You think you are alone in your house? Not bloody likely.

There is Siri, Alexa, Google, your kid’s cell phones, your DSLR, your nanny cam, your cameras that keep your baby safe and everyone’s Ring. And that is just in your house. Imagine all the footage of you at work. You probably think there aren’t any there, but you would be wrong. Then when you go to Wal-Mart or Target, they could make the movie of your life with all the footage they have of you there.

I’m okay with all the cameras everywhere. I just want to be able to edit my footage. It would also be nice to edit out people from your life that you just want to forget. Like a boss that was horrible or a job that didn’t teach you anything, but misery or suffering and didn’t even add anything to your resume.

via GIPHY

On the other hand, it would be nice to get some additional footage of a rare person that made you laugh off your miserable life, or smile in a really crappy situation, or understood your horrifically underrated dry humor. It would be nice to give them a little more of a starring role in your life’s film.

Life is pretty much unedited. Thankfully, my brain is the ultimate editor. It stores all the super boring moments on that hard drive that collects dust in the back of the cerebellum cabinet.

Who or what do you want edited out of your life movie?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Spooky Story Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into the spooky part of Halloween. I will occasionally visit a haunted house or watch a scary movie, but they don’t really define the season for me. It isn’t those corn mazes or pumpkins that seem to pop up overnight in every field, henhouse, doghouse, and backyard. It isn’t the pumpkin spice everything that is more prevalent than corn mazes either.  Nope, the thing defines the season for me is candy.

I love when my kids go trick or treating and bring back sacks full of candy for me to raid. I’m 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that I don’t eat all their candy, but I can just floss a little more and they will never know. HAHAHAHAHAHA (in the Vincent Price voice from Micheal Jackson’s Thriller).

In other news, I have a really short but spooky story for you. As a guy who doesn’t really like kids, even his own that much, I had a babysitting gig. Well, not me, but my wife. She volunteered to watch our Great Niece and I just happened to be in the room. She occasionally had to hand the baby thing to me and I had to figure out how to make it stop crying and make my back cry even less. Suffice it to say, it was really spooky; for me and the baby. I think she was returned in one piece, though a little stinkier and less than stellar shape. What’s worse is my back feels bad. More about me, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures:

This guy…

…didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

This is how I move…

…in the morning too.

I feel this guy’s pain…

…I have anger management issues too.

My favorite…

…meal in October.

Carving pumpkins…

…without a sharp knife is scary.

I hate it when I get stuck…

…inside my car seat.

Or wear the wrong costume…

…to a party.

Some people…

…are just a little too into pumpkin spice.

And others get just a little…

…too much into character.

Transformers…

…roll out.

 

Thankfully…

…the pumpkin will wear off eventually.

Would that be…

…such a shame?

Hopefully things won’t get too much more spooky for you from here on out. This time of year kind of gets to be a speed round of holidays and it’s hard to keep up. Thankfully as an old dude, I just kind of sleep through most of it anyways. Just don’t let your kids be babysat by me. Or I might accidentally sit on them.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Spooky Story Ben

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