Baby Yoda Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I may be the only one in the world who doesn’t have Disney+.  I’m sure you all find that really hard to believe. What kind of bitter person couldn’t love the Disney+ channel? And then you remember that I’m the most bitter. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t heard about the most buzzed new character on all of Disney right now. That right. Master Yoda as a baby. It was a genius move to put on the Madolorian because everyone just wants to see him. And what baby hungry girl (or boy) doesn’t think that an adorable Baby Yoda isn’t the most adorable thing.

It also makes you think that even really old people like my dad or Mackauly Culkin or Robert Redford were actually a baby at one time. I’m sure many people think about that kind of thing. On the other hand, the only reason I’m even talking about Baby Yoda is for the pure hopping on a trend right as the Star Wars movie is out so I can get more mentions and views or something.  I’m sure it will backfire in some way, but could it be any worse. Even bad press is press, right? While you are pondering all those deep questions, go ahead and view these Bitter Friday Giftures and leave a comment or whatever:

Just to make sure all the trends are covered today…

…a reminder that it is ugly sweater day.

Sometimes you just need a little pick me up..

…when you are learning how to use the Force. 

The holidays aren’t without their share…

…of disasters though.

Speaking of babies…

...not all of them are as classically trained as Baby Yoda. 

Although some…

…have more potential than others. 

Besides not being very smart…

…another problem with babies is that they eventually grow up. 

The hope is that they will grow up and be bitter…

…but most kids end up disappointingly being somewhat hopeful. 

So basically…

…it’s every day. 

Meetings are so stupid…

...even Yoda’s people don’t like them. 

Santa desperately trying to find someone…

…to deliver a gift to this year(spoiler warning: it’s not me). 

This is the first thing…

…that I completely agree with. 

Sounds like every opportunity…

…that I’ve ever had. 

I know you are probably wondering what all of this has to do with Baby Yoda. I am too honestly, and the answer is nothing. I just wanted to get his name out there so people would click on this post. In fact, I came up with a name for this and it is called Click Bait. It probably won’t catch on though.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Baby Yoda Ben

Hot List Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I am a failure in many aspects of my life. I think you know some of them and I don’t have time to list most of them. In order to really feel like a failure, make sure you compare yourself to someone who is much better off than you. Easy peasy, you will feel inadequate. Comparison is the thief of joy after all.

So today on the Today Show, they came up with a list of the Hot Gifts this year from Christmas. My wife called me in and said “you need to watch this, so we can make sure we got all the gifts this year or we’ve failed!”

I proceeded to watch the whole thing and made a mental checklist of the things on the list that we had purchased. Nope, nada, no, don’t got that, hadn’t even heard of that, don’t have young kids for that, and no. We did not pick one thing on that list. Failures. Just like in many other aspects of my life. In fact, the one thing I don’t seem to fail at is putting out the Bitter Friday Giftures, which start….right…now…

Exactly like me…

…except for the smile and I’m only carrying one small bag. 

My kids on Christmas day…

…except for bitter, disappointed faces and only one gift.

That’s…

…more like it. 

The look they give me…

…when they are trying to hide the disappointment.

It’s…

…what I specialize in.

My kids…

…learned from the best. 

This is me if I was turned into a cat…

…because I don’t like cats.

Some asked me to play Santa once…

…my reaction.

Thank you so much…

…for so many ties and sock again this year!

My kids: If I don’t get everything on this list…

…I’m begging out of this family. 

I’m the DJ…

…my wife is the wrapper. 

Get ready to use your face…

…to show how much you love your gifts. 

The nice thing is that all this practice getting bad gifts for the holidays can translate to other areas of your life. For instance, your birthday might be happening soon. Or you boss can tell you that you will be doing twice the amount of work for the same amount of pay. Or you can get rejected for a date. Or from a job you thought you had. Or that your kids have a huge project due tomorrow and they are just telling you about it at 9 pm the night before. I mean I’ve never had any of those things happen to me, but maybe they might happen to you.  You’re welcome for all the good advice.

How about you? How do you handle all the bad gift-giving or terrible news? Lemme know.

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Bitter Hot Gifts of the Month Ben

Decorating with Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife and I were in charge of the decorating for our church Christmas party this last week, which means my wife was in charge and I helped.  Let me tell you how hard it is to watch her wrap presents for a centerpiece, string up strands and more strands of stockings, wrap certain parts of the gym with wrapping paper, put up a backdrop, and so many other things to organize this blessed 1 and 1/2 hour event.  I did help a little, but for some reason, my medication was throwing me for a loop and I kept getting dizzy spells and having to sit down so I didn’t faint. Some might call that good timing, but most people would call it really bad karma. I guess it was a little of each.

I did make up for it after the party, when I helped with the teardown. I literally ran with loads of stuff in my hands to the van and shuttled 3 loads of stuff to and from the church to home 3 times. So, overall, the people of the church called it a success (the decorating, at least). The rest of the party was a disaster. The entertainment was pathetic, the food ran out early, and kids all wanted to go home before Santa even got there. So, the only success was my wife’s decorating. And my only success is these Bitter Friday Giftures…

It felt a little…

…like 40 little sideshows.

There were way too many of these weird…

…tiny human creatures there.

Lots of parents…

…were nowhere to be seen. 

Some people were just too busy…

…cramming their pile holes with food.

Some people should not have been driving…

…inside the gym. 

Some were a little too excited…

…to see Santa. 

Some were dancing…

…even though there was no music or a dance floor. 

Some like me…

…were having a little bit a struggle decorating. 

Some people at the party…

…were treeted pretty badly. 

Some people like me…

…wore the right attire…

While I should have worn…

…more of a pizza party attire. 

In the end, with all the planning, preparation, and time we spent…

…it turned out exactly as we planned. A disaster. (Shout out to Die Hard as the Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time. I’ll fight you for that too!)

Not all parties you plan will be as successfully bad as ours was, but if you believe in yourself, work hard, and plan your best you can have the most memorably bad party as we just had. Get out there and do your worst!

Let me know all your worst party disaster memories!

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Bitter Party Planning Committee Ben

Looking Like a Turkey Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Today is one of the days that you either dread or love. It seems like there is no in-between. If you happen to work at Walmart, Target, Amazon, or another megastore, I assume you’ve been dreading this day, neh, season for sometime now. You finished your turkey and then said, “Off to work I go, I’ll see you all in January if I even survive the trampling!”

Actually, I know that the stores will be busier, no doubt, but back in my day, when I was young like all of you, was the real heyday of Black Friday. We didn’t have stores open Thanksgiving night, so if you wanted to go to a sale, you had to camp out. If you wanted a doorbuster, you had to fight for it. And there was no Amazon as a backup plan. My first and last Black Friday experience involved a cheap scooter that was 3 years past its prime, a few pushy people, and a display that came crashing down. I barely escaped with my life. To help comfort those who dread the Black Friday experience, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures for you:

Time to spend some good quality time…

…throwing up some decorations. 

Maybe a good time to…

…wrap some presents. 

The holidays are all about…

…getting together with your closest enemies and rioting.

This may or may not have actually…

…happened to me. 

Make sure you…

…help your kids with the wrapping.

You might need to assist some kids…

…putting up the tree. 

If only…

…it was this easy for everyone. 

Instead of…

…like this. 

It’s also pretty frustrating…

…wrapping all those presents.

Don’t worry if this is…

…how much effort you put in though…

Because…

…these are the ungrateful cretins you are doing it for.

And this is how they will…

…appreciate your hard work. 

Let the holiday bitterness begin!

ARRRRRRGGHGHHGHHGHG

Bitter Look Like Turkeys Ben

Alexa and Google Bitterness

 

My daughter is always making sure that I’m up to date on the latest memes, though occasionally I find some of the older ones a lot funnier. One of my favorites of all time is the following: “This is my job. It’s soda pressing.”

One of my all-time favorites.

I don’t know if this next one is a meme, but it basically calls out James Bond. While he might be the most famous spy in the world, he is also the worst. Because the job of a spy is in people NOT knowing who you are. Do you know who the world’s best spy is? No one does. Because they are so good at it, nobody even suspects them.  It could be an ordinary Joe or someone that you work with. But, you will never know.

I didn’t really think about spies much and people listening in on my conversations until I saw that movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman (and even a young Jack Black!) called Enemy of the State. In the film, it showed how many cameras, listening devices, and bugs can and will be accessed if some organization(IE the government) needs to follow someone. In fact, the internet was pretty new back then, so with the addition of that and social media, it is near impossible not to be found if someone doesn’t want to find you.

It means everyone is bugging us.

The sad thing is that my life is so boring that there is no reason any organization would want to dedicate all the technology and effort into following me.

But, on the other hand, there is a reason why other spies would want to bug my house. Money. Companies want all the information they can get from us because that information can bring cash.

Who knew that some of the best spies would be unassuming ladies? Some ladies called Alexa, and Bixby, and Hey Google, and Cortana.

She doesn’t cure depression, but she does a dang good job of spying.

That’s right, these ladies had been hiding in our homes, spying on us for years and they were good at it. At first, we would wonder how, when the moment we mentioned that we needed some Great Harvest bread, it immediately showed up on our feed. We just chalked it up as good marketing.

Then, it started to get way less subtle and they were way more specific. The other day, I asked Alexa what the weather was for the day.

She immediately chimed in, “It’s going to be cold, kind of like how your wife is going to treat you if you don’t give her the Coach purse she just thought about a few seconds ago. Luckily it is on sale at Amazon.com for $450.42 this week for only 3 days.”

Then the other day I was in the shower after my wife left to go run an errand and I was alone in the house. When I got out, I heard the TV was on the QVC channel and my wallet (that I left in the other room) was out on the bed, and I heard Alexa reading my credit card number to the lady on the screen for an outfit that matched the purse for my wife.

My wife has never been happier with my gifts.

While I was appreciative that my wife liked the gifts, I also am not to sure how I’m going to pay back that bill. I assume at this point Alexa is able to go get a job to pay for all these things.

Then I might not object so much to all her and Hey Google listening to me all the time.  In fact, my wife would probably love it if I listened as much as Alexa did.

What are your guy’s experiences with Alexa and Hey Google? Any creepy spying being done in your house? Or it is nice to have someone in your house finally listen to you for once?

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Bitter Alexa and Hey Google Ben

Dreams Coming True Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Many people talk about their dreams coming true. Someone just got their dream job. Another met their dream man or woman. Someone else is going on a dream vacation. On the other hand, I do all those things. Except then I wake up. Most of the time, life is a bunch of days that look alike. You get up, go to work, or look for work, come home, eat dinner, sleep for several hours. When they say it is the grind, they aren’t kidding. And once a week, there is a bunch of bitter Giftures whether you asked for them or not. So if these gifs are your dream, then you are in luck. For everyone else it is just another part of the grind that happens every single Friday. At least it is consistent. So here we go with another edition of Bitter Friday Giftures.

Did somebody just get shades of…

…two different movies out this fall? 

If only my dreams were…

…more food-related. 

This is a more realistic view…

…of what happens to my dreams. 

Unfortunately, this is pretty close to the…

…dreams I have now. 

This is not what I mean…

…about following your dreams. 

Leering at your dreams…

…is also not an acceptable practice. 

You better be careful not to follow your dreams too closely…

…or you might end up with a restraining order.

Don’t follow your dream too closely…

…or you might end up colliding with the dreamer ahead of you.

When it comes to dreams aim low…

…like looking like James Harden when you walk backward.

Don’t aim too low though…

…because you might actually hit your target.

Definitely don’t aim too high…

…especially if you are afraid of heights.

Just be mediocre in everything you do…

…so you never stand out at all.

There you go, bitter dreamers. Don’t aim too high, or too low, definitely don’t dream big and don’t stalk your dreams as there may be a restraining order against you. Is that enough advice for you? Can you now just let me be so I can go spread the mediocre and bitter news somewhere else? What are your thoughts on dreams? Have you ever achieved one? I’m still waiting on realizing my first.

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Bitter Dreams Not Coming True Ben

Eggcellent Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve been on a bitter diet lately, because my doctor told me I had to. I don’t know why doctors are always telling you such bitter news. You complain about one little thing (my knees, my back, my shoulder, can’t sleep, tired all the time, can’t make it up the stairs without breathing heavily, chest pains) and he thinks it’s related to my weight somehow.

Some people, I swear.  I told him that he has the power to give me some magical pills and I should be able to lose weight, and he did give me one for cravings, but other than that, he wasn’t much help. He did tell me that doctors were all wrong all those years and it turns out that carbs are the enemy, not fat. So I’ve been eating a lot of eggs and bacon, and cutting out some of the carbs. He told me no more candy too, which of course, he told me on FREAKING HALLOWEEN. Jerk.  Enough about how horrible doctors are, how about some Bitter Friday Giftures to eat, since I’m starving.

The only thing worse than being hungry…

…is ridiculous kids saying they are.   

The best part about having kids…

…is you can eat anything that is theirs and they can’t say anything about it. 

Me…

…around mid-afternoon. 

This is the only kind of…

…belly run I find acceptable. 

Even famous people…

…get a little hungry sometimes. 

Wile E. Coyote wasn’t a bad guy…

…he was just hungry.

Sometimes you just need to eat chicken nuggets…

…even though you are a chicken. 

Oh, sooo tempting…

…can I please have some more?

When your food is done…

…and you are still hungry. 

Sometimes food just can’t help…

…but fall into your mouth.

Sometimes you are as hungry…

…as a whole arm-y.

Food always…

…before family. 

Since food always comes before family, that is why so many arguements happen at Thanksgiving. Because we try to spend time with the ones we love, but family keeps getting in the way of spending it with food. Just a thought.

What is your guys relationship with food? Stronger than family I hope.

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Bitter Eggcellent Friday Giftures Ben

 

 

 

 

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