Today’s Story on Giphy

Valentine’s Day is coming. Time to show who we really love.

This is probably some really shocking news, but when I was growing up, pizza wasn’t my favorite food. Probably because my parents didn’t expose me much to pizza. Also, I was always hungry, and back then, Hot Pockets didn’t exist and pizza wasn’t exactly an easy thing to whip up when you are dying of hunger as I always was back then.

My favorite was peanut butter. But not everyone’s favorite type of peanut butter sandwich. Nope, I liked Peanut Butter and butter, which may be why I have such a butter shaped belly. Which brand of peanut butter you might be asking (or not)? Well, I liked all of them, but my favorite was Skippy. I also liked Jif, which was was really good, but not quite as salty, which I preferred. I loved peanut butter so much, that I ate it over and over and over again until I figured out the delights of pizza.

The debate of it is pronounced Jif or Gif will go on forever.

You know what else is good over and over and over? Gifs. As you know, I have for years now, took the lazy way out on Fridays and always done Gifs (which I call Giftures) on Fridays in the place of doing any actual writing. It is an easy way to close out the week and some people actually tune in for those posts more than any other.

For my source of Gifs, I have used multiple sources around the internet for my inspiration. I have used College Humor, Funny or Die, Gifs.com and Giphy.

On Friday, the Today show had a feature on Giphy and talked to the people that worked there. Obviously, I was very interested in it because I use their service all the time. I have also expressed interest in starting my own film company in which all I produce are 3-5 second films. Who needs a long story, plot, or special effects when you could just film someone falling off a skateboard, failing at a dunk or shooting a kid into the air, by jumping on your bed.

My daughter and I could finally go.

My wife told me to apply to work there, but I told her that the headquarters were in New York. She was fine with that, because my daughter has always dreamed of going to a Broadway Show and we could finally go to the Office Musical, and quite possibly Hamilton.

I also said that I could try to accidentally run into Casey Neistat on the street and we could collab and become best friends. Obviously, my career would take off and then I could buy Giphy and make them do all my Bitter Friday Giftures, so I could sit at home and watch TV and eat pizza. Or maybe even peanut butter.

What places would you love to work? What is your favorite Gif?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter 3 Second Giftures Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Elmhurst Loose Back Cushion Sofa Beige-Project 62. What better way to kick back after a hard day and watch Bitter News From the Couch from. A sofa to watch Bitter News from the Couch. Brilliant. This comfy sofa is on a big time sale right now at Target. It was regularly $579.99, now on sale for only $376.99. Go forth and sit!

 

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Bitter News from the Couch #8

Yes, it is Sunday afternoon and you have nothing else to do. TV is getting old and you are tired of the kids. Escape to the computer room so you can watch the news. But not the same, boring, dull stuff that you keep seeing on your computer screen, but the entertaining, yet bitter news you need. It comes to you live taped from locations all around the globe (uh, house) thoroughly researched from other news sights. Hold on to your horses and cows, because here is another edition of Bitter News From the Couch. Also, just do me a favor and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you don’t know how to do it, have you kids and grandkids do it. Also have the subscribe. Just click on this link. Got it?

Nine Lives Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Most of the time the only reason I follow the news is when I do research for my Bitter News from the Couch. And I only follow the stories that make sense to make fun of. When I woke up this morning, my wife told me about a story I absolutely needed to write about. Have you heard of the cat? The one that was thought to be frozen to death only to have been revived by a team of veterinarians? Talk about nine lives. Our family cat growing up had those same 9 as it disappeared for three months, only to appear in our backyard much worse for wear. In honor of cats defying death over and over, lets see some people defy it in gifture form.

If this was a cat…

…it would have been life #1.

For a cat this would…

…have only been a flesh wound.

Cat would have…

…just landed on its feet for this one.

Cats would have just felt like they were…

…sitting on a heater.

Cat would have…

…dove like this just to avoid the water.

Cat would have…

…just thought this was just a fun toy.

Cat would have just…

…taken both those fishes.

Cat could have flown the sleigh to the North Pole…

…but couldn’t be bothered to do so.

Cat would have…

…scared the human off the bed.

Cat would have let the human…

…fall into the pit and perish.

Cat would have known…

…not to try to go outside.

And most of all…

…cat would have known to stay home for this one.

Unfortunately humans aren’t survivors like cats and don’t have nine lives and usually end up doing things like going outside in subzero temperatures and doing things like skiing, sledding and skating. So stay frozen people and go do things outside. I for one, will be smarter than you and cats and staying indoors as much as possible.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Frozen Cat Friday Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: AeroBed One Touch Comfort Double High Twin Air Mattress. If this mattress isn’t for the queen or king cat in your life, nothing is. Though when they start kicking you out of bed, this can be your second bed. Get this today for only $129.99 today. Co-exist with your cat today!

 

Mighty Morphing Bitter Ranger

Another shoot with the scouts.

As you saw from my lazy post yesterday, I fancy myself as an amateur filmmaker. I admit I’m a horrible actor, for many reasons. Let’s take a moment to list those reasons.

1. I have a monotone voice.

2. I have a face for blogging.

3. I can’t memorize a single line.

4. I have no emotional range. My emotions are 100% bitter.

5. Many other reasons.

Luckily, I have a self-taught skill that is a big fat eraser of many of those above mentioned acting deficiencies. Editing.

My editing skills, while not professional, have erased many of my awkward moments on camera. And while I haven’t been able to fix the monotone voice, it is possible to do so.

If you ask many Hollywood directors who the MVP of the production was, I bet many of them would say the editors. They take the 1000’s of tiny scenes that don’t work at all together and bring one amazing production together that never could happen without them.

The middle of last year, I had to teach scouts the movie making skill. Since they are all 10 years old monsters and have the attention span of a Hummingbird, I almost always just had to spit out a line, then have them say it. Then I had to film them running around and complain that they didn’t get any scenes or lines. Then at the end, I somehow had to piece together poop and spin them something that resembled amateur short movie gold. The acting was terrible, the emotion was on par with mine and they couldn’t ever talk loud enough. Somehow though, I was able to stitch all those terrible scenes together and make a respectable movie, so much so that the pack asked me to show it at the pack meeting.

It’s amazing how something can morph from a bunch of terrible scenes into a full on film. The other day, I was with my wife on one of those days where we were marathoning some shows. She is really into the crime shows and she was watching Law and Order. I was just on my phone, half paying attention and something happened that made me question how a lawyer could do that thing he did. I said, “How did that lawyer get away with that thing he did?” She answered with a technical lawyer term and I did a double take. How did you know that term?

She was like I’ve been watching Law and Order for years now. I was like, “Did you just get your law degree? Did you all of a sudden pass the bar and become a full fledged lawyer?” She just said, “Yep.”

Me at the office.

I guess you can now just morph into things. Since that is the case, I work at Dunder Mifflin and Michael Scott is my boss, Dwight and Jim are my cubicle mates, and Pam and Jim are the office flirts. Stanley is always complaining, Toby is the worst, and Ryan and Kelly are both meant for each other and should never be in the same room at the same time.

What have you guys morphed into? What shows have consumed you into appearing in their world?

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Morphin Power Ranger Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Canon EOS Rebel T6i. If you want to start your filming and editing, here is a great place to start. Start filming with this camera that I use and start recording things. Then, fix all that terrible acting and make a movie of your own. Post on YouTube and make your pennies.

 

Lazy Day Bitterness

I don’t feel like writing today, because snow is outside and I just can’t possibly be expected to write anything. The east coast got their turn last week, so it is the west coast’s turn to be lazy this week. So here is my post. It is my Bitter News from the Couch, Volume 7. Please save all autographs for my world wide tour.

 

Target Deal of the Day: Fitbit Charge 3 Fitness Tracker. Since you will definitely be spending time outside running, sledding, getting sweaty and not eating food inside all day, this Fitbit Fitness tracker will allow you to see how lazy you are being today. Pick one up for only $129.95, which is a full $20 off the regular price of $149.95. Get yours today!

Busting a Move Bitterness

One push up is good thanks.

When I was in high school and college, surprisingly, I was a little more athletic than I am now. I know most people are, but for me it was quite extreme. Yesterday I went to the Rec center, so I could accompany my family there, and I spent an hour and a half shooting free throws and I was warn out. Needless to say, when I got back, I needed the companionship of my old friend, the couch. It was a fun time for not me. Next time, I’m going to claim that I went to do laps and end up “lapping” in the hot tub.

In my freshman year of college, I pretty much went to class, ate lots of pizza in the late evenings (because they cafeteria closed at 6 pm, and played basketball. On the weekends, I often went dancing to the school dances, because I thought I was a pretty good dancer. The only reason I really danced though was to meet the pretty girls. Unfortunately, the dancing never really brought the girls to the yard, but I would ask them to dance and they would sometimes say yes.

Nowadays, I’m not really in the greatest shape to dance (as you read previously about the basketball incident), but that doesn’t mean I don’t still dance on accident.

This dogs isn’t dancing on purpose, he’s just hungry.

The other day, my wife, my two sisters, brother and spouses all went to the temple. Afterwards, my sister and her husband invited us to eat some food after, which I somehow did not turn down. We ordered our food, sat down and proceeded to chow down. Since we ordered water in two small cups, my wife asked me to get her some water. I took our two cups up to the soda machine to refill them, but someone was there, so I back up a step to give them some space. Then, as they were about to finish I stepped forward.

But then a worker that was about to bring some new ice for the machine needed to get through, so I stepped back. Then when the guy was done, I stepped forward again, got the ice, then side stepped to get a lid for our meals. I realized that even though I wasn’t planning on all these dance moves, I was doing the Lambada. Or the Macarena, or a waltz. One of those dances. I’m not sure. All I know is that moves were performed whether I liked it or not.

I feel like I was tricked. I did not want to make all those moves. I did not want to perform in front of this crowd. But somehow, I was manipulated into dancing. My feet were tired and sore after that.

It seems to me like we are constantly being duped into performing for others entertainment all the time. Whether it is singing in the shower or car, dancing in the restaurant or Target, putting words all over computers or on paper for people to read, or making our kids do artwork so we will have something to put up on our walls and fridges.

What are some dance moves you are doing for people all the time? What singing are you performing for other people? What art are you doing that you don’t even know about?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Busting a Move Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Beats Solo3 Wireless Headphones. The best way to unintentionally become a dancer, is to listen to your headphones. These Beats headphones are perfect for getting lost enough in the music to start dancing on the street, in a library or even at work. Bring out your inner dance fiend with the wireless headphones. On sale for $239.99, regularly $299.99, so like $60 off.

 

Movie Trending Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Some movies seem to have an impact on the trends of things we buy. Not every movie, but every once in a while movies affect the way people buy certain things, or attend certain adventures. I can think of a few examples, and you probably can too if you think hard enough. Like when Back to the Future came out, Deloreons became kind of cool and put them on the map. They kept the DMC alive for a little while, until everyone realized that they didn’t time travel. When Jurrassic Park came out, all of a sudden dinosaurs were all the rage. The most recent example I can think of is Aquaman. All of a sudden, there are more people at the pool. Swimmers of all kinds, trying to breathe underwater, trying to discover Atlantis, and trying to fight the Black Mantis. While it is great that people are going to the pool for often, it’s kind of cramping me and my son’s style. I just hope this fad dies down so we can have our rec center pool back. Speaking of being back, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures of the week.

After this moment…

…all of a sudden people are drinking more Gatorade.

This moment…

…lead to more elephants giving up soccer.

Grocery cart racing…

…took off as fast as she did.

All of a sudden…

…parkour is back.

And now…

…people are watching the Office.

Handshakes…

…are up another 10%.

Cooking the spoon into the batter…

…is now all the rage.

Hot dogging…

…is trending on MySpace and Friendster.

Pie production…

…is up to since this gif came out(at least during Thanksgiving.)

People are now…

…starting to buy flowers again.

Faucet drinking…

…is experiencing a Renaissance.

And once again…

…ice bucket challenge fails gifs…are cool again.

Unfortunately, we can’t go back to 2013 when people were actually reading my blog and commenting on it. That is one trend that will never come back. Though you know what trend will never die? My Friday pizza tradition. Time to go get some.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Trending Movie Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: LG 65″ UHD Smart TV. Speaking of trending, the SuperB owl is coming up on Sunday and you will need something to view it on. How about this amazing deal? It is only $599.99 down from $899.99, so just take the money out of your kid’s piggybank and get one of these.

 

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