Down into the Sink Hole

This is how job hunting feels.

You should probably expect all my writing these days to focus on the bitterness of job hunting and how horrible it is, since it is taking all my focus. So whether I say it straight out or not, everything I am bitter about is either that or a metaphor for that.

A few weeks ago, I was driving down the speed bump filled road out of our neighborhood. The legend goes that a couple years ago, someone was driving too carelessly on the roads and an accident happened. Just like with every other tragic thing, instead of trying to figure out why one person was careless, they spent a whole lot of money, taken from our HOA money of course, to put a thousand speed bumps in our neighborhood. It makes us drive slower sure, but it also ruins our cars, irritates any guests coming into the neighborhood and costs us a whole lot of money to maintain.

The best part is that they keep telling us that we are going to get more speed bumps. We often wonder how in the world a fire truck or police car will make it into our neighborhood in a hurry if say, someone has a fire or a burglary in their home. I’ve complained about that enough in past blogs.

The problem now is that I think that the excessive use of speed bumps may have caused another problem. Just past the last speed bump of the neighborhood, when we finally escape the constant pounding on our cars, a few orange emergency cones popped up a few weeks ago. At first, I just ignored it because I see those cones around all the time, even at schools to slow people down for kid crossings.

Upon closer inspection, a few days later, it appeared like there was a little hole in the street. I thought, just like the people repairing it, that it would be a simple fix. Lay some asphalt or concrete over the hole and it would just fix it. I didn’t know why it took so long, because it was the size of one of those sewer crates. A few days later it was fixed, the next day the cones were removed and we were back in business.

Michael Scott face concrete.

Being like Micheal Scott, I had to test the strength of the new asphalt.

So of course, just like when there is a puddle on the road, I had to drive over the newly covered hole on my next drive out of the speed bump gauntlet. As far as I could tell, it was as solid as the Titanic on its maiden voyage. The problem was, it was as solid as the Titanic on its maiden voyage.

Our road was as solid as the Titanic.

To the naked eye, it was solid. A few days later, I see more cones. I wondered why, especially when I had driven over it a few days ago and nothing was wrong. I mentioned it to my wife and she asked if I had looked closely enough at it. I did and noticed that the pavement was cracking. Several hours later and the whole thing was sinking. We now have a sinkhole in our neighborhood.

I worry that one of these days not only will an orange cone end up below the earth, but perhaps a small child on their walk home. Oh and in case you want to buy my house in 10 or 15 years, that huge hole in the earth is an underground amusement park we are building that will open soon after you buy our house.

Also, that sinkhole is a metaphor for job hunting.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Sink Hole Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Skyline 21″ Spinner Carry On Suitcase. When you can handle the sinkhole anymore and just need to get away, here is the way to escape. Get a suitcase, a plane ticket and go to where the sinkholes are much bigger and more of a tourist attraction. Maybe even store some apples or other gross fruit that you can throw into the sink hole. The suitcase is on sale for $35.99. Get you sink hole suitcase today!

 

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Where is the ALL THE STUFF OREO’S Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There are a lot of myths out there. Dementors, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster. I think people love myths because they love the mythtery of the unknown. There are a lot of unexplained things in this world, like Madea. The most recent myth that I have found is the Oreo’s ALL THE STUFF they keep talking about. In theory, it is an amazing idea.

Oreo’s have long had no enough stuff inside their cookies. At first, they must have seen the habits of their loyal customers taking apart the one side of the two different cookies, combining the stuffs in the middle and creating a super cookie. So they decided to get ahead of it and make Double Stuff. But that wasn’t enough. People were taking Double Stuff and combining those cookies and making a quad stuff. They kept trying to get ahead of people, but we just kept making our own. Finally they decided to make the Ultimate Creme Filling and created the ALL THE STUFF. Unfortunately, it is all just a myth.

We’ve tried to find them, but they don’t seem to exist. We looked at ALL THE STORES, but none of them have them. Now, I’m thinking it was just an elaborate April Fools Joke that Oreo’s is playing on us. You got us, Oreo. Now go ahead and actually make them so we can move on with our pathetic lives. Speaking of pathetic, here are this week’s Bitter Friday Giftures.

In honor of Pi day yesterday…

…let’s look at Jerry getting his on Park and Rec.

In honor of fall being over a while ago…

…let’s take a look at this amazing fall.

In honor of it being March the 5 teenth…

…let’s see this high five denied.

In honor of it almost being outdoor weather…

…let’s enjoy this glass mishap.

In honor of it being too early…

…let’s wake these chumps up.

In honor of not being able to move…

…let’s hope this girl get’s tangled up in her make too much movement.

In honor of it being a day where we need to build something…

…let’s tear something down.

In honor of not being able to get ALL THE STUFF Oreo’s…

…let’s just make our own.

In honor of it being Bitter Friday Giftures…

 

…let’s make an exception for this Oreoprah.

In honor of the hard workers…

…let’s bend over backwards for them.

In honor of Tim the Toolman Taylor…

…let’s never let go.

As the kid’s would say…

…this gun is lit.

If anyone has seen any sign of the mythical ALL THE STUFF Oreo’s, please send any pictures, even if they are blurry.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter ALL THE STUFF Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Philips Analog Airfryer. Talk about a mythical creature. This thing can somehow fry the air, which I previously thought impossible. Not only that, but this thing is 50% off and it is in stock. Is all that possible in one product? Pick one up for only $99.99 today, before they disappear and become part of the Oreo legend of things that don’t exist.

 

 

 

Dating Vs. Job Applications

Something even a math wizard could understand.

I recently told you about when I was in 7th grade and we did a career day in school. I decided to go into advertising because it seemed glorious and fun and I wasn’t good at art, and was terrible at math. The other reason I decided on Advertising was because it started in the A’s, and the only other A occupation was Accounting and that didn’t appeal to me at all.

I made a lot of mistakes when it came to preparing for a career, but one of the biggest was majoring in Business Management. I think if I could have gone back and done it differently, I would have majored in Rejection when in was college.It would have helped me in more than one way in life. Not only in careers, but in dating.

Get ready for it.

I’ve been good at rejection since the beginning. When I was in my junior year of college, I always heard you were supposed to get an internship. Most colleges require it and go out of their way to help you secure one. My college not only didn’t require one, but really didn’t help you find one. They encouraged you to go find someone that would graciously allow you to work for them for free, but that was the extent of it. There were no real job boards, the internet was surprisingly new, and the big city with most of the jobs were 45 minutes away.

My dad at least kind of helped me in that he made a spreadsheet that listed all the advertising agencies in the area, with phone numbers and addresses. So that summer, in the mornings, I would get up early, drive to Salt Lake and visit advertising agencies and ask them if I could do an internship. I wouldn’t mention free until they said they had nothing. This is how I started my career with rejection.

I think there is large parallel with my career and my dating life. Of course I’m married now, but I wasn’t until I was 27. Here’s how it would normally go.

Micheal Scott knows.

I would start somewhere new like high school. I would see plenty of gorgeous girls, and would start with a lot of hope and possibility. Right off the bat, the cutest girls would be taken by the handsomest fellows.  Some would be ruined by a toxic personality, others were too into school, and other lived too far away, and most of them were turned away from your toxic personality or looks. Eventually, your girl pool shrank to just a few, so you decided to ask one out. She was busy, then you were busy and the chemistry just fizzled.

At this point, I would just start crushing on ones that were already taken or were out of the league and my imagination would tell me that I had a shot. I didn’t tick off every qualification they had, but I had a few, like a pulse, a driver’s license and enough money to take them to a movie.

So I would take my shot, and they would say, “Who is this again?” in which I would hang up and avoid their look at school forever. Another time, I asked a girl to a movie, and they said sure. I asked which one they wanted to see, set it up and they she called back on the Friday before and said she was busy. I may be pretty thick, but that pretty much meant she wasn’t going to reschedule and I wasn’t going to try. Another avoided gaze.

Another successful confrontation avoided.

Job rejection is pretty similar. When you first start looking, it seems like there is a world of possibility out there. Hundreds of prestigious companies that are desperate for a hard working fellow like you. Then you see all the hot girl companies have really high standards like 40 years of experience in something that has only been around for 5 years, a Harvard Law Degree and 13 recommendations. They are taken by all the handsome boys and girls with the expensive resumes. You keep whittling down companies that you think are even below you and all of a sudden they are rejecting you.

You might call back one that you interviewed with and they are like, “Who is this again?” and another might say, “While we were very impressed with your resume, and your skills, we decided to go with another 100 candidates who were even more qualified than you.”

Either way, don’t worry about me, because I got my Master’s in rejection and know exactly how to deal with it. You blog about it, you start a Facebook Page(Job Rejections if you want to join), and make all your writings about your life of rejection.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Life Rejection Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Apple Home Pod. The nice thing about these new home listening devices is that they will actually listen to you. They won’t reject you and will tell you about anything you want to know. Plus they have a nice rejection playlist ready for you when you get home from another rejection. Get comforted by your favorite virtual buddy and also get $50 dollars off.

 

Seven Years Bitter Luck

I’m usually pretty terrible at remembering anniversaries, which is why I decided to get married in 2000, so I would always know how many years I’ve been married. It has been pretty foolproof, and the end of summer date is also good, so we can always go on a chill date, while we make fun of our kids for having to go back to school.

The sad thing is that I usually remember the anniversary of my Ben’s Bitter Blog on March 8th, but totally biffed it on Friday. Luckily, you all got a bunch of Gifs to celebrate. It might have been because I didn’t want the celebration to overshadow Captain Marvel or the International Celebration of Women, so I just decided to wait until today to toot my own horn.

So what numbers pop out to you when you think of 7 years of things? I think of bad luck. So apparently you all walked under a ladder, and crossed paths with a black cat 7 years ago, because my blog has been nothing but bitter luck and misery for you all for 7 years. I feel for you, but mostly I feel for me. I’ve been doing all this hard work and none of you have transferred any of your back accounts to my name or given up any of your lottery money winnings to me.

I guess I will have to keep toiling away hoping that someday Rainn Wilson will discover this blog and want to buy it for billions while wanting me to assistant blog manage it. In the meantime, you will just have to watch my Bitter News from the Couch #10 instead as a way to make me bitterly famous.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter 7 Years of Bad Bitterness Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Spalding NBA Slam Jam Over-the-Door Black & Gold Edition Basketball Hoop. I may never be a hoops star and make bucket loads of cash, but I will definitely be able to dunk over my son on this hoop. He might be able to dunk over me too, but at least I will get one or two. Try one of these today and feel like an NBA superstar! Only $27.18 to feel like a basketball god!

 

New Kids on The Block Bitter Friday Giftures

 

In the background, I’m listening to the New Kids on the Block doing their best to make a comeback. I don’t deny old people trying to make a comeback as I’m attempting to do right now, but at least they need to rebrand and call themselves Older Dudes on the Clock or something. One thing that will certainly almost never change is the weekly Bitter Friday Giftures delivered on the page. If I die on a Friday in 30 years from now, I hope I make sure I do my giftures before I breathe my last breath. And I have tasked my daughter to take over when I no longer can, so look forward to these things forever.

I guess I’ve learned…

…a lot.

Not everyone…

…can be a Captain.

Even Hallmark…

…doesn’t think I have any potential as a writer.

People wonder what is going on up there…

…this is pretty much it.

This might also be…

…an accurate depiction.

Something I do…

…over and over again.

Just when I think I’ve defeated it…

…gravity reigns supreme.

I’ve always found this is a fun way…

…to clear a path through sheep.

The key to life is balance…

…this guy lost the key.

It’s nice when ladders do their jobs…

…of helping you get down quickly.

This guy is working on his…

…best dunk for the Slam Dunk contest.

Just like me, this guy was doing so well…

…until the very end.

And just like every blog, I start strong and then fade at the end. So learn your lesson from me and the Old Dude on the Clock. Just quit when you are ahead.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Old Dude on the Clock Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Sketched Triangle Curtain Panel – Project 62. Whenever you feel like fading into the sunset and shutting out the world, curtains are the best way to do it. Just shut those curtains and push the world away. Because no one needs the world interfering. Here are some great curtains from Target to help you do so.

 

 

Bitter Vacation Absence

Hand hurts…still going to work.

I was reading this article about a guy that works for Nintendo. He is the creator of Super Smash Bros., one of Nintendo’s most popular games. I don’t know if it mentioned how old he was, but this guy has an insane passion for working on this game. Basically it has been his life’s work and he has suffered for it.

He has multiple debilitating injuries because of it, such as tendonitis, (which back in the day, we called Nintendonitis), which he has so bad, that he had to get a special controller when playing the game because he hand and shoulder would give out after 10 minutes. Most people would find a certain time of the year to take a vacation after a big project was complete. He recently finished his game, but of course, has more to do with it.

Many people would find another trusted associate to help with the little things, so he could concentrate on the bigger ones. But this guy is so infested in his game that he won’t take any time off, won’t let others work on the details and won’t even take time to heal from injuries.

Vacation…yes please. Something new to complain about.

I can’t relate to this guy at all. Maybe it’s because I haven’t found my life’s work, but when it comes to doing work in life, I have very little ambition. I don’t fight through injuries, I don’t hesitate when someone else can help and I certainly don’t deny myself a vacation when I get a chance.

My problem is that I haven’t had a chance to take a vacation since 2015. It’s not that we don’t want to like the Nintendo guy, it’s that we’ve been in transition for 4 years. We’ve moved twice, been out of jobs three times, gone to school, my daughter will start her fourth school in the last 4 years next year and we bought a house once. Because of all these life events, we’ve either not had the time, or not had the money. We were planning a Disney Cruise when I lost my job in January, so the wait for vacation starts once again.

Great way to hypnotize me.

We are almost to the point where we might just sign up for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes, risking a metric ton of emails, just for the tiny risk that we might win the $7000 a week for life, just so we can go on a vacation. Heck, I might even start a Kickstarter at the risk of sounding like the biggest First World Problem tool, just so we can go on a vacation. My family looks at a visit to the Rec Center, or a trip to the mall as a vacation. That is how desperate they are getting.

It’s probably a good idea for me not to look at Instagram because all it does is make me bitter when I see all these kids going on their adventures across the earth, when they don’t even know the capital of their own state. They complain about having to go to Disney again. People complaining because it has been so long since they got a break two months ago.

I envy those people. I’m getting a little tired of complaining about stupid things like not having money and losing my keys, instead of the sand getting in my swim shorts or about the sunburn I get from laying around all day on the beach.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Vacation Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Ponti Patio Loveseat Beige – It’s not a vacation and it isn’t a couch, but if you are going to go outside you might as well feel like you are on a beach. Put this on your patio or your backyard and pretend you are on a vacation. It’s on sale for only $284.99, which is a small price compared to what you will have to pay for a seat on a Bahamian beach. Buy one today!

 

Building a Bitter Mousetrap Friday Giftures

 

They say you have to build a bitter mousetrap in order to catch mice. Well, in our last home it didn’t seem to work, because they just kept coming back. Sometimes, I think you just need to build more mousetraps. I guess they were just attracted to our food or something. It’s not like we had anything really great to eat. Just old spaghetti and flour. Nobody eats flour. It so bland. A lot less bland than these bitter friday giftures will be.

At least we know duct tape…

…is good for something.

Behold…

…the terror of the ladder.

I always love…

…a good comeback.

Some people tackle…

…hurdles a little differently.

Some people…

…just flop in style.

It’s always nice…

…to help out your teammate.

The stove…

…finally cooks something right.

I love…

…when siblings are so supportive of one another.

When bubble machines…

 

…attack.

When you have to…

…take your kids to work, it’s a balancing act.

Just chilling…

…in his castle.

This ride…

…has gone to the dogs.

Here’s to all of you who haven’t figured out a way to build a bitter mousetrap and just keep doing it the same old way. Cause new mousetraps are shiny, but aren’t as effective as the old mousetraps.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Mousetrap Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Watch Ya’ Mouth Ultimate Edition Game. The best way to build a mousetrap, is to just play a board game. This one in which you have to say words with a huge retainer in your mouth is a delight. It is on sale for $15.99. Get yours soon before they are all gone!

 

 

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