One of my favorite episodes of the Office besides all of them is when Jim has a barbecue and doesn’t invite Micheal Scott. Instead Micheal goes to his improv class. It’s kind of ironic because Steve Carrell started in improv, I wonder if he improv-ed being so bad at it.
I’ve always wanted to be a comedian, but I’ve never been very good at planning things. I just want to show up somewhere, make things up and then get raucous applause. Clearly, things haven’t worked out, because I’m not a billionaire comedian playing to sold out crowds in Madison Square Garden. I blame all of you and every agent, who hasn’t dug deep enough to find me. I shouldn’t have to work for this….
I think I got my start in making words up because of songs. Either I was too lazy to listen carefully to songs and memorize every word they sang, or musicians need to sing a little more clearly. All I know is that I like music not for its lyrics but its music. I see all these people singing along to lyrics of a song and it really blows me away.
I sing along to songs mainly at the chorus and then just make up stuff from there. I think I would be really bad at karaoke, because I would see these words on the screen and go, “Nope, those are the wrong words. My made up ones are the right ones,” and then I would proceed to ignore the words and use the right ones that I had invented or make up new ones on the spot.
You might notice that my blog is the same way. It’s why the subjects are so random and why the grammar is terrible and I miss so many thoughts I could have included. I essentially come up with a subject, give myself a half an hour and then start improvising the rest.
It’s why some seem to trail off into oblivion and make no sense and others just work and click. It’s why I’m a failed novelist. That took too much planning, structuring and foresight. In the end, when it comes to planning, I don’t do too much of it, because in the end, even with the best planning, things change on the fly and there is nothing you can do about it. So, just like writing, and singing songs, I just wing life. Because nothing ever goes to plan. Just ask James Bond.
Bitter Improvised Lyric Guy Ben
I’ve always been fascinated with magic. I mean how can you not be enchanted when someone can just pick your card out of a deck? I don’t know who uses decks of cards more, casinos or magicians.
I’m not sure how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but somehow it didn’t take because I think it is still there. Guess Lady Liberty liked her little home on the island and couldn’t really afford a place in the city, especially because the 305 feet apartments are few and far between in Manhattan.
By the way, do you think David Copperfield, David Blane, Criss Angel and Penn and Teller went to Livermorney School of Witchcraft and Wizardry(the American version of Hogwarts)? If so, they must be the worst students, because 1) they are using their powers to be hack magicians, 2) they’ve kind of given away the secret that they are wizards. That is something like James Bond being the world’s worst spy, because everyone in the world knows about him. If he were a good spy, no one would know who the heck he was.
Let’s talk magic though. If you were to get the powers of a magician, what would you use the powers for?
Unfortunately, I would not be a Harry Potter, or a Hermoine Granger. Heck, I probably wouldn’t be a Voldemort either. I would just be a guy that would use my powers for my own good. Screw all the other people.
Also, I’m not that great at thinking big, or that great of a student. I probably would have only learned the low level spells that took the least amount of work. I’ve got a commute to work every morning that is way too long. I wouldn’t have learned how to fly on a broom, or learned how to apparate. I would have really only paid attention to the “get out of the way” spell. It would have just moved cars to another lane so I could get to work on time, instead of 20 minutes late.
I would probably not learned the time spell very well, but I would have been just motivated enough to learn the speed up time a minute spell. So I could have made meetings gone a little faster, but not enough to speed through the whole thing. And when it comes to doing something stupid at work, I could probably fast forward a minute so I didn’t do it, but my skills would have screwed it up and made it go back instead and then looped the screw up so it happened over and over again. Just my bitter luck.
All I know, is that I wouldn’t have worked in the Auror office, or as a part of the ministry of magic. I would have been some low level office worker selling potions over owl messages, dreaming about writing the next great novel about the secret world of Muggles. But, I would just end up quilling a blog about all the bitter things about being a wizard.
Bitter Magician Ben
We bought a house last March. We did it with the help of a realtor. Well, the help of a realtor is a stretch. We did all the real work, and he just drove us to the appointments. He was super non-helpful on any other hand. I’m pretty sure my wife should have got his commission because she did all the work. I wasn’t much help either. I just tagged along for the appointments and said, “Yes, that house is great and it’s $100,000 over our budget, so let’s buy it.”
Back to the realtor that wasn’t very helpful. He is part of a real estate group that occasionally does a client appreciation party. Last night happened to be one of those days. They were throwing a free pool party for current and past clients. I may have thought our realtor sucked, but I’m always down for free things, especially when they don’t cost anything.
The best thing about me is that even when something is free, I still find a way to be non-appreciative. So here is my review of the totally free pool party.
They had pizza, which as the loyal followers of my blog now, is my favorite food by far. Caviar, filet mignon and creme brule don’t even compare. If there is pizza within a mile of me, I will find it. I spend half my fiscal budget on it every year. At one of my previous jobs, I got the company to rename Friday as “Pizza”. I would walk into work and say, “Happy Pizza” instead of “Happy Friday”. The pizza at the free party was the worst pizza I have ever eaten. And I’ve eaten a lot of pizza. I accidentally bit off a little of the box, and it tasted better than crust on that pizza. It was terrible. That’s not to say I didn’t keep eating it. The worst pizza is better than the best kale.
There was a hot tub. Lots of people just wanted to relax at the end of a long day, or hide from their whiny kids for a little bit. Problem was when they arrived at the hot tub, there was a line. I’ve never been to any hot tub ever that required you to wait in line. What next? Will there be a coil slot that makes you buy hot tub time by the minute?
There was a lazy river. I’m all about a lazy river. You can’t spell my name without lazy river (because it is my middle name). I’ve been to some of the best lazy rivers in the world, and they can be amazing. If you get on a float and let the river flow take you, you can close you eyes and wake up 2 hours later with your favorite shade of red all over your body. This lazy river didn’t have floats though. And the depth was only 3 feet, so as you can imagine, for a six foot tall person, was a little uncomfortable. Have you seen that Geico Commercial where the soccer player scores a goal then slides on his knees for eternity? That was me in the lazy river. It was the only way to navigate that thing comfortably. And that was terribly uncomfortable.
So that’s my zero star review of the free pool party. Cardboard tasting pizza, lines for the hot tub and a lazy river that was far from lazy.
Bitterly Ungrateful for Free Pool Parties Ben
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton