When I’m not sitting on my lazy butt enjoying the TV, one of my favorite hobbies is sitting on my lazy butt enjoying video games. There is just something so fulfilling about pushing buttons to do things instead of moving your feet to do things. Video games allow you to do unlimited things without having to leave your comfort zone. In fact, there are probably a lot of areas in games called comfort zones. In Pokemon, it is Pokemon centers, where you can refuel and recharge your Pokemon. In the video game world, it is easy to get up to full health. In real life, resting in a bed for 5-8 hours doesn’t always do the trick.
One of the things I like about video games is a lot of them allow growth for your characters. Many of them grow with stats or leveling up. The nice thing is they usually allow you to grow along with how the world is coming at you. For instance, in level one, you are a weak dude that can barely beat a mosquito, but by the end, you are a steroided muscle man or woman that can take down beasts the size of skyscrapers. They scale your growth with the world around you.
Not so much in the real world. Our world just comes at us with immense challenges right from our early stages (baby) and just keep coming hard and fast. They don’t allow us to scale with it. Kind of makes things unfair. But then again, according to my dad and many other grown humans, life isn’t fair. One thing I think people should have to earn like in video games is their opinions.
For instance, when you walk into a workplace with zero days of experience, you should not be able to talk about your opinions like you own the place. There should be points awarded, and you should have to level up in your place of work, your church, your school or your friendships. You should have to earn knowledge points, experience points, sanity points and many other categories to be able to express yourself, especially in certain subjects.
I think as an expert in bitterness, I should be able to share my opinion on the highest level because I’ve earned it. I’ve written over a thousand blog posts, have a Facebook page dedicated to bitterness and a PHMe degree in all things bitterness. On the other hand, I’ve spent zero hours of effort, time or resources in politics. Therefore, I should be banned from ever having an opinion on that subject. You should be able to see the badges I’ve earned: video games, sports, bitterness, writing, etc. and see what levels I have EARNED and know that another level 15 in sports can talk to me confidently and know that I will be a pretty equal match in sports.
On the other hand, you should also be able to look at a shirt and see a lack of Numbers badge, politics badge, and Meetings badge to know that I have no opinion on that subject and know to move on from me in the quickest possible manner. I’m not saying we force people to talk with others of the same badge levels, but if we are stuck at a party with a bunch of people we don’t know, we should at least be able to walk around and find someone we might have a least a little something in common to get through the dread of a party.
What do you think? Should we assign opinionation badges to people? Would this make your life a little easier? Or would you be like me and just ignore all that stuff anyway and just sit on the couch and continue to watch TV?
Bitter Opinionation Ben
There is a reason why I chose to be a writer. First of all, I knew it would be really lucrative (not at all) and because it would stimulate my brain and others to make changes and be better (nope on that either). Basically, it is the easiest way of expressing my bitterness without having to interact with other humans. The only thing that can interrupt me is my train of thought and that train is moving non stop through my brain.
One of my least favorite things to do is to be interviewed. You are never sure whether you are supposed to humble brag about yourself, or humbly list your accomplishments. Some people are just looking for the straight up facts, while others are just trying to see if you will be a good personality for the team. Without the knowledge of what people are looking for, you just never know which person you are supposed to be.
My daughter is just as much of an introvert as me but loves being in plays. I don’t know how she feels about having to audition, but I don’t know if I could ever do it. Auditioning, interviewing, giving speeches are the worst. I feel like I am a pig, or cow at a showing and people are constantly judging me. Who needs that?
Judging others should be my job. That is why I like going to the mall and sitting down at a place and judging the people as they walk by. At least I keep my judgements to myself. At least verbally. If I have a judgement about someone you can bet you will be hearing about it in writing.
What are your thoughts? How do you feel about auditions and interviews? Do you feel like you are on display?
Bitter Bad Interviewee Ben
Food has never been more of a controversial subject as it is now. With all these vegans, pescatarians, vegetarians, and gluten-free diets, it’s a wonder that anyone such as myself can find vegan, free food anywhere anymore. This weekend my neighborhood is hosting a party in which bacon is the main ingredient to participate. It’s good to see that this new food called meat is making a comeback. I like to think that my neighborhood is quite progressive in its food choices and that meat is making a comeback into the mainstream. Let’s hope that this amazing food actually becomes a viable option in restaurants again. In the meantime, let’s celebrate bacon by having some Bitter Friday Giftures.
This bacon fest is going to be…
If anything else…
It will be nice to see…
I really hope…
I just really hope…
I think the promotion for this event…
I think some people just need…
I would say that some people…
Others are taking a little too long…
While others are having a hard time…
Regardless of how you decide to party this weekend, make sure you do your best to avoid people at all costs. They are the number one problem when it comes to things going wrong. Bad luck mates!
Bitter Bacon Ben
I am not a fan of most celebrities. Most of them are maniacal ego maniacs. Once they get a little bit of fame, they start thinking they are larger than life and they start being rude to the people that got them their fame. That is no big revelation. I think most people know that. Sure, I would be annoyed if people were bugging me 24/7, but they have options. Many of them create alter ego’s.
You probably know a few of them. Some celebrities are so famous that they have their real name/their fame name/ and their even an alter ego name. For instance, there is Marshall Mathers/Eminem/Slim Shady. You have Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, or Beyonce Knowles/Sasha Fierce. I guess it gives them all an opportunity to become someone else when the fame hits them too hard. It could be that one personality is too passive and they need the new one to be more aggressive to handle their diva side. For whatever reason, people love to have that alter ego.
There are also Superheroes that have alter egos. For whatever reason, they need to keep their identity as a superhero seperate from the normal life, or vice versa. We know Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark. Just regular billionaires that run around being reckless as a disguise for being responsible superheros that need to save the day on a regular basis. I can imagine that would be really hard to balance the two lives. I wonder if they get exhausted running companies and just want to get some exercise by beating up villains. Or if they get exhausted saving the day and just want to run a company quietly. There are a lot of reasons for alter egos.
As many of you know, I basically have an alter ego too. To most people, I am just Ben, the husband, and father and full-time worker that goes with the flow. He does his job, gets to work early, interacts with people, drives home in traffic and doesn’t run over people on purpose. He helps his kids with their homework, his wife with the bills and gets exhausted at the end of the day and almost falls asleep on the couch watching TV.
Then there is Bitter Ben. He is that monster with ambition. He can’t stand people and all their crap and calls them out for it. He wants to run companies, create content, become the world record holder for the most times writing bitter, etc. He is a creator, a fighter, a passive aggressive beast. He has a sharp wit and will never actually meet anyone in person. Everything little and everything big makes him mad, and he wants to invent things to become the laziest person ever. He is Hulk of the personality, while Ben is the Bruce Banner.
I even talked about this in my first blog ever a long time ago. Maybe we all have multiple personalities, alter ego’s or whatever you call them. I am a different person interacting with my parents, and with my kids, and with my wife and with co-workers. They say it is healthy to interact with everyone the same, but really if you do that, then you are the most annoying person ever.
No one needs just one personality.
So, what do you think about Alter Ego’s? Do you have one? Or are you humble enough to only need one? What is that ego’s name and personality?
Bitter Alter Ego Ben
I’m fighting the bitter fight right now. Ever since we moved into our new home, we’ve had some squatters. I would be fine with them if they would just pay rent, but I’m getting a little tired of evicting these guys. The crazy thing is that there are like literally billions of places they could live, but they somehow keep coming back. It’s clearly not my hospitality or my charming personality. In fact, I’ve been nothing but unaccommodating.
The bees just keep coming back over and over. I’m not talking those valuable ones that give us honey or pollinate the flowers or star in the Bee Movie. I’m talking the yellow jackets that have been stinging me or terrorizing me for decades. I’ve sprayed them at least a dozen times this summer and seemingly killed their hive over and over again, but someone keeps surviving and then bringing their new brothers back.
I’m not much of a horror fan. It’s not that I am scared of them, though I would say I would be a little, I just find horror movies kind of pointless and dull. I want to see people punching each other and using cool ninja skills or superpowers. Plus I’m really claustrophobic, and most of those horror movies play off of that fear quite a bit. They are always trapping someone in a closet or locking someone in a room.
Zombies are a big thing for people now too. I’ve heard that the Walking Dead is a good series, but I’m not really into Zombies that much. You know what would be the worst though? Zombie Bees. Or Zombees. The only reason I tolerate bees right now is that I can use that spray on them and that kills them instantly. But if they were basically unkillable as Zombees, and retain their powers of being able to sting me, they would pretty much be the most terrifying thing on earth.
Imagine spraying those things and then seeing them get angry at you for doing so, and not dying. Then they come after you with a vengeance. I already run in fear when I miss one of them, and they see that I was the one that killed all their brothers. Now imagine that they all saw that I was the one messing with their hive. I love my new house, but if there were Zombees attached to it, time to burn it down and claim the insurance and move to another country.
The insurance company couldn’t claim arson either, because there was a purpose for burning down the house.
Your turn, what creature great or small is squatting in your house without paying? What creature is hanging out in your house that would be even more terrifying as a zombie?
Bitter Zombee Ben
Spoiler Warning: If you haven’t seen Avenger: Infinity War or don’t like lazy or bitter people, be warned, there are spoilers contained below. Also, really bad writing and spelling errors.
I’ve talked about it before, but I think I relate more with villains in most movies. I’m not a genius like most of them, but I am lazy. Most villains just want to be lazy. That is why most of them are inventors. They work really hard, so they can go home and have things done for them. If I had the capacity to invent things, almost all of the inventions would go toward inventing things that made my life easier. Clean the dishes for me. Open doors for me. Do all my chores at home. Automate my life. Look at Hans from Die Hard. All he wanted to do was sit on a beach collecting 20%.
Unfortunately, the heroes are getting in the way. There is a reason why they are called action heroes. They are always stopping things, preventing this, doing actions. Most of them are in to working out, strengthing their muscles and fighting. In the process, they are destroying things just like the villains. They aren’t stopping us doing bad things. They are just stopping us from being lazy.
In Avengers, they spent the whole time trying to stop Thanos from destroying half the Universe. All Thanos was doing was trying to get some really nice jewelry, six shiny stones to be exact, so he could give his wife or girlfriend a present for her birthday or anniversary. He, like me, was probably a historically bad gift giver, and had failed her over and over again. He was probably really tired of the disappointed look on his girls face everytime he presented her with the Infinity Toaster, or the Gauntlet of Roses that go went bad after a month.
So he spent the better part of a movie fighting gallantly for the 6 Infinity Stones she had seen on the QVC or HSN planet and had hinted heavily that she wanted. Who knew the jewelry would be so popular with other superheroes? He must have felt like he was at a Black Friday sale. Except a lot less hectic.
The one problem was that when he finally got the 6th stone he was so excited that he accidentally snapped his fingers out of pure jubilation. I’m sure that when he finally sat down to rest, (like he had mentioned he wanted to do most of the movie), everyone was turning to dust. Why was everyone trying to steal his glove? It was for his girl, not theirs.
I feel just like Thanos. You just work really hard so you can just go home and rest for a while. But I bet when he got home from work, his wife had a list of chores for him and all his kids wanted him to play baseball with him and all he wanted to was rest his weary back and lay on the couch.
What about you? Do you work really hard, so you can rest?
Bitter Snap Finger Ben
One of my favorite episodes of the Office besides all of them is when Jim has a barbecue and doesn’t invite Micheal Scott. Instead Micheal goes to his improv class. It’s kind of ironic because Steve Carrell started in improv, I wonder if he improv-ed being so bad at it.
I’ve always wanted to be a comedian, but I’ve never been very good at planning things. I just want to show up somewhere, make things up and then get raucous applause. Clearly, things haven’t worked out, because I’m not a billionaire comedian playing to sold out crowds in Madison Square Garden. I blame all of you and every agent, who hasn’t dug deep enough to find me. I shouldn’t have to work for this….
I think I got my start in making words up because of songs. Either I was too lazy to listen carefully to songs and memorize every word they sang, or musicians need to sing a little more clearly. All I know is that I like music not for its lyrics but its music. I see all these people singing along to lyrics of a song and it really blows me away.
I sing along to songs mainly at the chorus and then just make up stuff from there. I think I would be really bad at karaoke, because I would see these words on the screen and go, “Nope, those are the wrong words. My made up ones are the right ones,” and then I would proceed to ignore the words and use the right ones that I had invented or make up new ones on the spot.
You might notice that my blog is the same way. It’s why the subjects are so random and why the grammar is terrible and I miss so many thoughts I could have included. I essentially come up with a subject, give myself a half an hour and then start improvising the rest.
It’s why some seem to trail off into oblivion and make no sense and others just work and click. It’s why I’m a failed novelist. That took too much planning, structuring and foresight. In the end, when it comes to planning, I don’t do too much of it, because in the end, even with the best planning, things change on the fly and there is nothing you can do about it. So, just like writing, and singing songs, I just wing life. Because nothing ever goes to plan. Just ask James Bond.
Bitter Improvised Lyric Guy Ben