Throwing Shade

 

I was good at sports growing up.

As hard as it is to believe, when I was young I played sports. I was just this skinny, lanky, clumsy, awkward kid. I had no muscle tone, but that didn’t really matter much because I was tall and fast. I played sports mostly because my parents wanted me to. I was born lazy, and introverted, so I naturally didn’t like going outside or doing things. In fact, it wasn’t until I got out of organized sports and started to see the creativity of passing that I even started liking basketball. If I would have loved it as much when I was a kid, you would be reading this blog of Professional NBA superstar, Bitter Ben.

Okay, let’s not go that far. Remember no matter how much I like something, I like laying on the couch more. My problem is I don’t know when to quit something. I basically didn’t stop playing basketball until like 39, when I announced my retirement to my church ballers. It was an emotional experience for all, if you count emotional people cheering that I wasn’t playing anymore. They were glad my old fossilized carcus was finally out of the way, so they didn’t have to pass it to me anymore or give me my required 5 minutes off the bench.

What they didn’t stop doing to me was throwing shade. In my day, that was called talking smack, or trash talk.

I was much better at talking smack.

Thanks to basketball, people throwing me shade is no big deal. I’m have this calcified heart that can take the most amount of trash talk could ever throw at me. I’ve heard it all, mostly because I dished it out to others. In fact, if people throw shade at me now, I tell them that I appreciate it very much, because it is really hot outside and I could use some.

My daughter has developed the gift of trash talk, or as she likes to say throwing shade. She’s pretty good at dishing it out to her old man, but she doesn’t realize where she got it from. I’ve been thrown shade since my basketball days. She calls me old of course, but that just rolls off my back. She tells me I’m not funny, but I already know that. I go out of my way to tell her lame jokes, just so she will tell me I’m terrible. When she tells me that, I just treat it as a sign of affection.

I know I’m an outlier these days. It is much trendier to be offended by every word people say. Political correctness is the way of the day. I wish I could get more offended by what people tell me, but I just can’t. I’ve got 99 bitter problems, but getting shade offended isn’t one.

How do you guys feel about smack talk? Trash talk? Throwing shade? Are you offended by every little slight? Or do you just brush everything off?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Shady Ben

BitterStradamus

 

This all the time.

When I was in the bitter period of post school, but pre-job, I ironically watched a lot of the Office. Not really ironic, but because we had Netflix as our only channel of television, I became even more obsessed with the Office than I normally was. I would watch 4-5 episodes a night before I drifted off into my bitter sleep at night. It was the only thing that kept me sane. My daughter would make fun of me for watching it all the time.

In the meantime, my daughter started her love of the theater. Even though she is an introvert, she somehow loves getting on stage and acting. She even enjoyed memorizing her lines, which blows me away, because I hated memorizing things. I was always more of an improviser (mainly because I’m terrible at memorizing things). She even became interested in Broadway plays. She would check up on all the latest news about Hamilton, and Spongebob, and all those Broadway plays. Not sure how she is my girl sometimes, but she basically loves the theater like most people like Hollywood.

Since she and I are both really creative individuals, I am always trying to relate with her by talking collaboration. I keep telling her that she should start a YouTube channel, because she was so good at talking to a camera when she was young. She could do a beauty channel or even do a theater review channel.

One day we were talking about the Office and how obssesed I was with it. She made fun of the opening song and I don’t remember if it was her or me, but one of us mentioned that they should do a Broadway play about the Office. Music was definitely a huge part of the Office, with Andy even working on a play at the community theater, Kevin being in a band, and Daryl, Andy and Kevin and other collaborating on music in some form.

Music was a big part of The Office.

It would be an amazing play. I was so enthused about it, that I wrote a post about how they should do it…all the way back in September last year. I kept saying the only reason we couldn’t do it was because NBC owned The Office. Oh and we had never created a musical before, and I hadn’t ever written a piece of music, or could even sing. But I can write and my daughter could sing.

Anyway, if you didn’t know, they announced this year in May that they are doing an Office musical. My daughter told me about it and I immediately cried out that we came up with the idea first! We want credit, we want money, we want fame from coming up with the idea. I don’t do a whole lot right, but for once, I predicted this way before it was ever an idea with NBC. I believe they read my blog post and stole the idea. (Here is the post from September 7, 2017 in case you don’t believe me.)

Just admit it, NBC. And make our check out to Bitter Ben c/o Bitter Entertainment Network

What ideas have you come up with others stole from you?

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter BitterStradamus Ben

 

Earn Your Opinionation Badge

 

You shouldn’t automatically get an opinion. You should have to level up to get one.

When I’m not sitting on my lazy butt enjoying the TV, one of my favorite hobbies is sitting on my lazy butt enjoying video games. There is just something so fulfilling about pushing buttons to do things instead of moving your feet to do things. Video games allow you to do unlimited things without having to leave your comfort zone. In fact, there are probably a lot of areas in games called comfort zones. In Pokemon, it is Pokemon centers, where you can refuel and recharge your Pokemon. In the video game world, it is easy to get up to full health. In real life, resting in a bed for 5-8 hours doesn’t always do the trick.

One of the things I like about video games is a lot of them allow growth for your characters. Many of them grow with stats or leveling up. The nice thing is they usually allow you to grow along with how the world is coming at you. For instance, in level one, you are a weak dude that can barely beat a mosquito, but by the end, you are a steroided muscle man or woman that can take down beasts the size of skyscrapers. They scale your growth with the world around you.

Not so much in the real world. Our world just comes at us with immense challenges right from our early stages (baby) and just keep coming hard and fast. They don’t allow us to scale with it. Kind of makes things unfair. But then again, according to my dad and many other grown humans, life isn’t fair. One thing I think people should have to earn like in video games is their opinions.

What does your opinionation level look like?

For instance, when you walk into a workplace with zero days of experience, you should not be able to talk about your opinions like you own the place. There should be points awarded, and you should have to level up in your place of work, your church, your school or your friendships. You should have to earn knowledge points, experience points, sanity points and many other categories to be able to express yourself, especially in certain subjects.

I think as an expert in bitterness, I should be able to share my opinion on the highest level because I’ve earned it. I’ve written over a thousand blog posts, have a Facebook page dedicated to bitterness and a PHMe degree in all things bitterness. On the other hand, I’ve spent zero hours of effort, time or resources in politics. Therefore, I should be banned from ever having an opinion on that subject. You should be able to see the badges I’ve earned: video games, sports, bitterness, writing, etc. and see what levels I have EARNED and know that another level 15 in sports can talk to me confidently and know that I will be a pretty equal match in sports.

No talking until you earn a high enough level.

On the other hand, you should also be able to look at a shirt and see a lack of Numbers badge, politics badge, and Meetings badge to know that I have no opinion on that subject and know to move on from me in the quickest possible manner. I’m not saying we force people to talk with others of the same badge levels, but if we are stuck at a party with a bunch of people we don’t know, we should at least be able to walk around and find someone we might have a least a little something in common to get through the dread of a party.

What do you think? Should we assign opinionation badges to people? Would this make your life a little easier? Or would you be like me and just ignore all that stuff anyway and just sit on the couch and continue to watch TV?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Opinionation Ben

Audition Bitterness

Uhhh…

 

There is a reason why I chose to be a writer. First of all, I knew it would be really lucrative (not at all) and because it would stimulate my brain and others to make changes and be better (nope on that either). Basically, it is the easiest way of expressing my bitterness without having to interact with other humans. The only thing that can interrupt me is my train of thought and that train is moving non stop through my brain.

One of my least favorite things to do is to be interviewed. You are never sure whether you are supposed to humble brag about yourself, or humbly list your accomplishments. Some people are just looking for the straight up facts, while others are just trying to see if you will be a good personality for the team. Without the knowledge of what people are looking for, you just never know which person you are supposed to be.

My daughter is just as much of an introvert as me but loves being in plays. I don’t know how she feels about having to audition, but I don’t know if I could ever do it. Auditioning, interviewing, giving speeches are the worst. I feel like I am a pig, or cow at a showing and people are constantly judging me. Who needs that?

Judging others should be my job. That is why I like going to the mall and sitting down at a place and judging the people as they walk by. At least I keep my judgements to myself. At least verbally. If I have a judgement about someone you can bet you will be hearing about it in writing.

What are your thoughts? How do you feel about auditions and interviews? Do you feel like you are on display?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Bad Interviewee Ben

Bitter Bacon

 

 

 

Food has never been more of a controversial subject as it is now. With all these vegans, pescatarians, vegetarians, and gluten-free diets, it’s a wonder that anyone such as myself can find vegan, free food anywhere anymore.  This weekend my neighborhood is hosting a party in which bacon is the main ingredient to participate. It’s good to see that this new food called meat is making a comeback. I like to think that my neighborhood is quite progressive in its food choices and that meat is making a comeback into the mainstream. Let’s hope that this amazing food actually becomes a viable option in restaurants again. In the meantime, let’s celebrate bacon by having some Bitter Friday Giftures.

 

This bacon fest is going to be…

…a slam dunk right?

 

 

If anything else…

…it will at least be a bowled statement.

 

It will be nice to see…

…if we bump into anyone we know.

 

Afterward…

…I hope to slip into something a little more comfortable.

 

I really hope…

…that the competition isn’t a clean sweep.

 

 

I just really hope…

…there is some intense competion.

 

 

I think the promotion for this event…

…has been a little too aggressive.

 

I think some people just need…

…a little more training.

 

 

I would say that some people…

…are a little too excited to leap into the event.

 

 

For others…

…it’s definitely worth the trip.

 

Others are taking a little too long…

…to get into the swing of things.

 

While others are having a hard time…

…taking the hint that it is time to leave.

 

Regardless of how you decide to party this weekend, make sure you do your best to avoid people at all costs. They are the number one problem when it comes to things going wrong. Bad luck mates!

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Bacon Ben

 

Bitter Alter Ego

 

Some people have alter ego’s.

I am not a fan of most celebrities. Most of them are maniacal ego maniacs. Once they get a little bit of fame, they start thinking they are larger than life and they start being rude to the people that got them their fame. That is no big revelation. I think most people know that. Sure, I would be annoyed if people were bugging me 24/7, but they have options. Many of them create alter ego’s.

You probably know a few of them. Some celebrities are so famous that they have their real name/their fame name/ and their even an alter ego name. For instance, there is Marshall Mathers/Eminem/Slim Shady. You have Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, or Beyonce Knowles/Sasha Fierce. I guess it gives them all an opportunity to become someone else when the fame hits them too hard. It could be that one personality is too passive and they need the new one to be more aggressive to handle their diva side. For whatever reason, people love to have that alter ego.

There are also Superheroes that have alter egos. For whatever reason, they need to keep their identity as a superhero seperate from the normal life, or vice versa. We know Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark. Just regular billionaires that run around being reckless as a disguise for being responsible superheros that need to save the day on a regular basis. I can imagine that would be really hard to balance the two lives. I wonder if they get exhausted running companies and just want to get some exercise by beating up villains. Or if they get exhausted saving the day and just want to run a company quietly. There are a lot of reasons for alter egos.

I’m Batman! And also Bruce Wayne.

As many of you know, I basically have an alter ego too. To most people, I am just Ben, the husband, and father and full-time worker that goes with the flow. He does his job, gets to work early, interacts with people, drives home in traffic and doesn’t run over people on purpose. He helps his kids with their homework, his wife with the bills and gets exhausted at the end of the day and almost falls asleep on the couch watching TV.

Then there is Bitter Ben. He is that monster with ambition. He can’t stand people and all their crap and calls them out for it. He wants to run companies, create content, become the world record holder for the most times writing bitter, etc. He is a creator, a fighter, a passive aggressive beast. He has a sharp wit and will never actually meet anyone in person. Everything little and everything big makes him mad, and he wants to invent things to become the laziest person ever. He is Hulk of the personality, while Ben is the Bruce Banner.

I even talked about this in my first blog ever a long time ago. Maybe we all have multiple personalities, alter ego’s or whatever you call them. I am a different person interacting with my parents, and with my kids, and with my wife and with co-workers. They say it is healthy to interact with everyone the same, but really if you do that, then you are the most annoying person ever.

No one needs just one personality.

So, what do you think about Alter Ego’s? Do you have one? Or are you humble enough to only need one? What is that ego’s name and personality?

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Alter Ego Ben

Zombees

 

…are the worst.

I’m fighting the bitter fight right now. Ever since we moved into our new home, we’ve had some squatters. I would be fine with them if they would just pay rent, but I’m getting a little tired of evicting these guys. The crazy thing is that there are like literally billions of places they could live, but they somehow keep coming back. It’s clearly not my hospitality or my charming personality. In fact, I’ve been nothing but unaccommodating.

The bees just keep coming back over and over. I’m not talking those valuable ones that give us honey or pollinate the flowers or star in the Bee Movie. I’m talking the yellow jackets that have been stinging me or terrorizing me for decades. I’ve sprayed them at least a dozen times this summer and seemingly killed their hive over and over again, but someone keeps surviving and then bringing their new brothers back.

I’m not much of a horror fan. It’s not that I am scared of them, though I would say I would be a little, I just find horror movies kind of pointless and dull. I want to see people punching each other and using cool ninja skills or superpowers. Plus I’m really claustrophobic, and most of those horror movies play off of that fear quite a bit. They are always trapping someone in a closet or locking someone in a room.

Zombies are a big thing for people now too. I’ve heard that the Walking Dead is a good series, but I’m not really into Zombies that much. You know what would be the worst though? Zombie Bees. Or Zombees. The only reason I tolerate bees right now is that I can use that spray on them and that kills them instantly. But if they were basically unkillable as Zombees, and retain their powers of being able to sting me, they would pretty much be the most terrifying thing on earth.

Imagine spraying those things and then seeing them get angry at you for doing so, and not dying. Then they come after you with a vengeance. I already run in fear when I miss one of them, and they see that I was the one that killed all their brothers. Now imagine that they all saw that I was the one messing with their hive. I love my new house, but if there were Zombees attached to it, time to burn it down and claim the insurance and move to another country.

Only way to get rid of the bees.

 

The insurance company couldn’t claim arson either, because there was a purpose for burning down the house.

Your turn, what creature great or small is squatting in your house without paying? What creature is hanging out in your house that would be even more terrifying as a zombie?

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Zombee Ben

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