Ever since I was a 5 year old pushing around my big wheel, I’ve been trying to get people to leave me alone. That day I fell off of my Big Wheel just so I could get a scar on the left side of my jaw so I could appear less approachable. When I was 6, I refused to let my mom brush my hair, so it stuck up like I had put my finger in a light socket. When I was 8, I continued not to use mouthwash. When I was 13, I got braces. When I was 14, I stopped wearing deodorant. When I was 15-45, I used my RBF (resting bitter face). Now that I’m older, I’ve figured out that headphones work really well….most of the time, for most people. But there are still some pesky people (bosses, extraverts) that haven’t figured out the subtle cues that headphones = leave me alone.
People annoy the heck out of me. People are the ones that invented phones. People are the ones that invented meetings. People have invented shopping malls, concerts, basketball arenas and all kinds of places where people gather. To talk. And discuss things. And get too close to me. They invented cities and traffic jams and door to door salesman, and phones. All so we could connect with each other and interact.
What about the few sane ones like us that just want to be left to our devices? Like our phones (that don’t have that pesky Phone app), our computers, our laptops, TV’s, and our video games? Why do other people always need to bug us about going places? Why do they always ask us where we work, how many people we have in our families, what our hobbies are and where we like to travel?
We just want to be left alone.
All those solutions that I mentioned above to keep people away…they are temporary. Social people always find a way around them. It is time for a permanent solution for keeping people out. Ready for this?
Start an MLM. You know what those are right? Multi-level marketing. Pyramid scheme. The shadier the better. If people just won’t leave you alone. Ask them one question, as slyly as possible. Hey, so I just got this really great opportunity to make a ton of money. Have you ever heard of Blankety Blank essential oils? Or this really cool Diet shake that will help you lose hundreds of pounds? It’s amazing. So I’m have this, you know, get together at my house, party if you will, where this weigh loss expert is going to about this really cool non-FDA approved product called Weight For It, and you can start making some fast cash. Wanna come?
Get ready for some magic. All of a sudden, people that constantly wanted to talk to you, all of a sudden avoid you in the hallways, sit way away from you in meetings and start treating you like a pariah. I wish I would have learned how to start an MLM when I was a kid. I would have been the lonliest and happiest kid in school.
Your turn. What methods do you use to keep people away from you?
Bitter Pariah Carey Ben
I hear a legendary quote all the time from Bill Gates “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” It may not be true that he said it, but it’s incredible to consider that at one time all somebody would ever need on their computers was that much space.
I have an old Samsung Galaxy Note 3 which I am working hard to upgrade because it is starting to slow down faster than me, that has 16GB space. My daughter’s older than old, cheaper than cheap phone that couldn’t even store an app except for the ones that came with it and couldn’t even text because she had no keyboard, had 8GB. I have three computers at home, and one at work that are constantly telling me that my hard drive is full. I had a Xbox hard drive with 2TB of space and one game that took almost 40% of that. It’s pretty clear we need more space on our computers.
I’m not a genius like Bill Gates, nor do I have the technical knowledge of a Zuckerberg, but I know that people crave space, or at least I do. My subconscious is continuously telling me to get more space. Even back in high school when I had less knowledge than I do know, I had dreams of places that I knew but that were MUCH bigger. I would dream about my house, but it would have a much larger layout. Same with my high school, the mall, and other people’s houses. I just have a huge need for space. We finally got a house that fits our needs on two floors, but I have this need to finish the basement. I’ve heard when it comes to personal space, American’s need the biggest. Multiply that by 10, and that is how much I need.
The problem with needing all this space is no matter what we need, we always seem to be able to fill it up. I remember when I got my phone 4 or 5 years ago, I thought for sure I would never use it all. I thought this is double what I need.
I guess I thought that about my brain too. This thing that can help me type, come up with new ideas for blog posts, and remember what my wife tells me to do on the way home occasionally, has somehow been overloaded many times. I keep trying to get an upgrade, but I guess I don’t have enough money. I am continually having to reboot the system (going to sleep, eating), but every day it seems to get more and more bogged down. I think it might be time to dump some memories that I don’t really care about so I can install some new programs, and delete some unnecessary files.
I’m pretty sure I need to forget about homework I did when I was a kid (sorry I can’t help you know kids) as well as anything from high school and junior high (all useless knowledge). I think I can delete most people from my contacts list soon too. People are just a significant drain on the processes. Now I just need to put it in sleep mode more, and I will be a whole new hard drive.
What about you guys? What unnecessary files do you need to delete from your files (not Bitter Entertainment Network of course)?
Bitter Memory Drain Ben
I’m a great driver. I learned to drive when I was only 14. In South Dakota, where I grew up, you could get a permit when you were 14, and be a full-fledged driver by the time you were 15. In fact, I found it so easy that I would often drive without two hands, sometimes without one. I wasn’t satisfied that driving was a challenge at all until we convinced my dad to let us learn stick shift. I learned it pretty easily and was convinced you aren’t really driving unless you have a stick shift. I was a bit of a hazard when I was young, but I never got in an accident. In fact, to this day, I still have only been in one, and that was because someone else hit me, because they were going through a red light.
We all have a certain status and stature in life. Sometimes that status is earned, other times it is just because people think you are certain way by judging you, we do. Sometimes you change people’s perception’s and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do about how you are percieved. I think that people’s driving is the great equalizer. No matter what people think about you for whatever reason, you can be someone in a car.
I think I’m confusing you and probably me. What I’m saying is that the tallest, buffest guy in the world could be the careful, gentle driver in the world. On the other hand, you could see the most petite shy girl, with the a petal to the metal mentality. It doesn’t matter people’s status in the world, they could be the biggest jerk in the driving world or the best safest person.
I used to have a friend that drove 50 in the parking lot and 90 in a 45 once. I’m honestly not sure how he avoided going to jail, or quite frankly the morgue, but he was a speed demon. On the other hand, I had another friend who drove resonably safe, except when it came to following too closely to others. He would literally be inches from the person in front him before he would stop. We never actually hit anyone when he was driving, but a few times my heart almost went through the windshield. My brother once taught a girl he liked “how to drive” and she somehow found a way to flip the car over. Another time when my friend was driving I was in the back seat and I thought it would be funny to jerk his wheel a little. The car drove into a ditch and almost over a cliff.
Cars can be a great equalizer. Just because you see a mom in a minivan right next to you, don’t assume there isn’t a speed demon behind the wheel, that won’t run you down if you cut into her lane.
Bitter Car Equalizer Be n
I’ve always loved going to the movies. Ever since I was young, there was something escapist about them. When life make you bitter, go to to a movie and your bitterness will either ratchet up, or go the opposite way. I had some magical moments in movies. The first time I saw the time machine in Back to the Future, the time I saw Ferris Bueller become a cult hero in his own town, or the time I saw John McClane jump off the side of a building with just a hose attached to his waist.
I tried to write my own book a couple years ago, but realized that I don’t like to take so much time to write a story. I don’t have the patience or time to write a 200 page book. I would also like to make films, but don’t think I would have the patience to make an hour and a half long movie. And recently I found out that I don’t like directing other people. The kids I worked with were impatient, bad at listening to directions and surly. No one needs that kind of hassle.
I like how YouTube has created a breeding ground of shorter videos. Movie are great, but so many are such huge disappointments. I don’t know if people are rushing to get them done, they are too expensive, or if millenials don’t like to go to theaters. You know what isn’t a huge disappointment? Movie trailers. I think that really would be a market for people that just wanted to watch trailers. Charge them $.99 to watch them, they can watch them as much as the wanted, and you would never have to make the real film. There is nothing more disappointing than seeing an amazing trailer, and then seeing the movie that follows and not seeing the right scene, or not getting the same music, or just knowing every part of the movie, by the time you see it.
I think I want to start a production company where I just make fake trailers. I would also like to do trailers for my blogs that clearly aren’t ready to be made into feature films, but you could do a trailer for. In addition, I could do other people’s trailers for things they did, just to get some hype for them as well. Either a blog post, a book, or even a social media post. A lot of people nowadays don’t have time to watch a full movie, but they sure do have time for a 2:30 minute trailer.
What do you think? Would you be on board for a trailer company? How much would you like to invest? Who wants to run it for me? When do you want to start paying me for all this?
Bitter Trailer Ben
Back in the day when I was blogging on Ben’s Bitter Blog, I finally found a bunch of bitter people that felt as bitter as I was. I was a community where would could share all our bitterness and talk bad about the man. You know, the guy that kept holding us down. I’m trying my minimalist to bring that community back together, but it is not as easy as I thought. Sure most of those people don’t blog anymore, but a lot of the people I used to interact with haven’t found their way back here and that makes me bitter. So in true bitter fashion, I’m going to Friday Gifture about it by posting gifs from Community the TV show, a criminally underrated and poorly rated show. Here goes:
Well I guess we’ve…
The dance numbers have been kind of…
I’m pretty sure…
We’ve definitely had…
What about all those times…
It sure was Pierce…
And we are still trying to figure…
Let’s hope we can continue to build this community of bitterness and find a way to bring all you akward people to this blog. Cause there is nothing like being able to make a large community of people together and fail.
Bitter Community Ben
As hard as it is to believe, when I was young I played sports. I was just this skinny, lanky, clumsy, awkward kid. I had no muscle tone, but that didn’t really matter much because I was tall and fast. I played sports mostly because my parents wanted me to. I was born lazy, and introverted, so I naturally didn’t like going outside or doing things. In fact, it wasn’t until I got out of organized sports and started to see the creativity of passing that I even started liking basketball. If I would have loved it as much when I was a kid, you would be reading this blog of Professional NBA superstar, Bitter Ben.
Okay, let’s not go that far. Remember no matter how much I like something, I like laying on the couch more. My problem is I don’t know when to quit something. I basically didn’t stop playing basketball until like 39, when I announced my retirement to my church ballers. It was an emotional experience for all, if you count emotional people cheering that I wasn’t playing anymore. They were glad my old fossilized carcus was finally out of the way, so they didn’t have to pass it to me anymore or give me my required 5 minutes off the bench.
What they didn’t stop doing to me was throwing shade. In my day, that was called talking smack, or trash talk.
Thanks to basketball, people throwing me shade is no big deal. I’m have this calcified heart that can take the most amount of trash talk could ever throw at me. I’ve heard it all, mostly because I dished it out to others. In fact, if people throw shade at me now, I tell them that I appreciate it very much, because it is really hot outside and I could use some.
My daughter has developed the gift of trash talk, or as she likes to say throwing shade. She’s pretty good at dishing it out to her old man, but she doesn’t realize where she got it from. I’ve been thrown shade since my basketball days. She calls me old of course, but that just rolls off my back. She tells me I’m not funny, but I already know that. I go out of my way to tell her lame jokes, just so she will tell me I’m terrible. When she tells me that, I just treat it as a sign of affection.
I know I’m an outlier these days. It is much trendier to be offended by every word people say. Political correctness is the way of the day. I wish I could get more offended by what people tell me, but I just can’t. I’ve got 99 bitter problems, but getting shade offended isn’t one.
How do you guys feel about smack talk? Trash talk? Throwing shade? Are you offended by every little slight? Or do you just brush everything off?
Bitter Shady Ben
When I was in the bitter period of post school, but pre-job, I ironically watched a lot of the Office. Not really ironic, but because we had Netflix as our only channel of television, I became even more obsessed with the Office than I normally was. I would watch 4-5 episodes a night before I drifted off into my bitter sleep at night. It was the only thing that kept me sane. My daughter would make fun of me for watching it all the time.
In the meantime, my daughter started her love of the theater. Even though she is an introvert, she somehow loves getting on stage and acting. She even enjoyed memorizing her lines, which blows me away, because I hated memorizing things. I was always more of an improviser (mainly because I’m terrible at memorizing things). She even became interested in Broadway plays. She would check up on all the latest news about Hamilton, and Spongebob, and all those Broadway plays. Not sure how she is my girl sometimes, but she basically loves the theater like most people like Hollywood.
Since she and I are both really creative individuals, I am always trying to relate with her by talking collaboration. I keep telling her that she should start a YouTube channel, because she was so good at talking to a camera when she was young. She could do a beauty channel or even do a theater review channel.
One day we were talking about the Office and how obssesed I was with it. She made fun of the opening song and I don’t remember if it was her or me, but one of us mentioned that they should do a Broadway play about the Office. Music was definitely a huge part of the Office, with Andy even working on a play at the community theater, Kevin being in a band, and Daryl, Andy and Kevin and other collaborating on music in some form.
It would be an amazing play. I was so enthused about it, that I wrote a post about how they should do it…all the way back in September last year. I kept saying the only reason we couldn’t do it was because NBC owned The Office. Oh and we had never created a musical before, and I hadn’t ever written a piece of music, or could even sing. But I can write and my daughter could sing.
Anyway, if you didn’t know, they announced this year in May that they are doing an Office musical. My daughter told me about it and I immediately cried out that we came up with the idea first! We want credit, we want money, we want fame from coming up with the idea. I don’t do a whole lot right, but for once, I predicted this way before it was ever an idea with NBC. I believe they read my blog post and stole the idea. (Here is the post from September 7, 2017 in case you don’t believe me.)
Just admit it, NBC. And make our check out to Bitter Ben c/o Bitter Entertainment Network
What ideas have you come up with others stole from you?
Bitter BitterStradamus Ben