I’m fighting the bitter fight right now. Ever since we moved into our new home, we’ve had some squatters. I would be fine with them if they would just pay rent, but I’m getting a little tired of evicting these guys. The crazy thing is that there are like literally billions of places they could live, but they somehow keep coming back. It’s clearly not my hospitality or my charming personality. In fact, I’ve been nothing but unaccommodating.
The bees just keep coming back over and over. I’m not talking those valuable ones that give us honey or pollinate the flowers or star in the Bee Movie. I’m talking the yellow jackets that have been stinging me or terrorizing me for decades. I’ve sprayed them at least a dozen times this summer and seemingly killed their hive over and over again, but someone keeps surviving and then bringing their new brothers back.
I’m not much of a horror fan. It’s not that I am scared of them, though I would say I would be a little, I just find horror movies kind of pointless and dull. I want to see people punching each other and using cool ninja skills or superpowers. Plus I’m really claustrophobic, and most of those horror movies play off of that fear quite a bit. They are always trapping someone in a closet or locking someone in a room.
Zombies are a big thing for people now too. I’ve heard that the Walking Dead is a good series, but I’m not really into Zombies that much. You know what would be the worst though? Zombie Bees. Or Zombees. The only reason I tolerate bees right now is that I can use that spray on them and that kills them instantly. But if they were basically unkillable as Zombees, and retain their powers of being able to sting me, they would pretty much be the most terrifying thing on earth.
Imagine spraying those things and then seeing them get angry at you for doing so, and not dying. Then they come after you with a vengeance. I already run in fear when I miss one of them, and they see that I was the one that killed all their brothers. Now imagine that they all saw that I was the one messing with their hive. I love my new house, but if there were Zombees attached to it, time to burn it down and claim the insurance and move to another country.
The insurance company couldn’t claim arson either, because there was a purpose for burning down the house.
Your turn, what creature great or small is squatting in your house without paying? What creature is hanging out in your house that would be even more terrifying as a zombie?
Bitter Zombee Ben
Spoiler Warning: If you haven’t seen Avenger: Infinity War or don’t like lazy or bitter people, be warned, there are spoilers contained below. Also, really bad writing and spelling errors.
I’ve talked about it before, but I think I relate more with villains in most movies. I’m not a genius like most of them, but I am lazy. Most villains just want to be lazy. That is why most of them are inventors. They work really hard, so they can go home and have things done for them. If I had the capacity to invent things, almost all of the inventions would go toward inventing things that made my life easier. Clean the dishes for me. Open doors for me. Do all my chores at home. Automate my life. Look at Hans from Die Hard. All he wanted to do was sit on a beach collecting 20%.
Unfortunately, the heroes are getting in the way. There is a reason why they are called action heroes. They are always stopping things, preventing this, doing actions. Most of them are in to working out, strengthing their muscles and fighting. In the process, they are destroying things just like the villains. They aren’t stopping us doing bad things. They are just stopping us from being lazy.
In Avengers, they spent the whole time trying to stop Thanos from destroying half the Universe. All Thanos was doing was trying to get some really nice jewelry, six shiny stones to be exact, so he could give his wife or girlfriend a present for her birthday or anniversary. He, like me, was probably a historically bad gift giver, and had failed her over and over again. He was probably really tired of the disappointed look on his girls face everytime he presented her with the Infinity Toaster, or the Gauntlet of Roses that go went bad after a month.
So he spent the better part of a movie fighting gallantly for the 6 Infinity Stones she had seen on the QVC or HSN planet and had hinted heavily that she wanted. Who knew the jewelry would be so popular with other superheroes? He must have felt like he was at a Black Friday sale. Except a lot less hectic.
The one problem was that when he finally got the 6th stone he was so excited that he accidentally snapped his fingers out of pure jubilation. I’m sure that when he finally sat down to rest, (like he had mentioned he wanted to do most of the movie), everyone was turning to dust. Why was everyone trying to steal his glove? It was for his girl, not theirs.
I feel just like Thanos. You just work really hard so you can just go home and rest for a while. But I bet when he got home from work, his wife had a list of chores for him and all his kids wanted him to play baseball with him and all he wanted to was rest his weary back and lay on the couch.
What about you? Do you work really hard, so you can rest?
Bitter Snap Finger Ben
One of my favorite episodes of the Office besides all of them is when Jim has a barbecue and doesn’t invite Micheal Scott. Instead Micheal goes to his improv class. It’s kind of ironic because Steve Carrell started in improv, I wonder if he improv-ed being so bad at it.
I’ve always wanted to be a comedian, but I’ve never been very good at planning things. I just want to show up somewhere, make things up and then get raucous applause. Clearly, things haven’t worked out, because I’m not a billionaire comedian playing to sold out crowds in Madison Square Garden. I blame all of you and every agent, who hasn’t dug deep enough to find me. I shouldn’t have to work for this….
I think I got my start in making words up because of songs. Either I was too lazy to listen carefully to songs and memorize every word they sang, or musicians need to sing a little more clearly. All I know is that I like music not for its lyrics but its music. I see all these people singing along to lyrics of a song and it really blows me away.
I sing along to songs mainly at the chorus and then just make up stuff from there. I think I would be really bad at karaoke, because I would see these words on the screen and go, “Nope, those are the wrong words. My made up ones are the right ones,” and then I would proceed to ignore the words and use the right ones that I had invented or make up new ones on the spot.
You might notice that my blog is the same way. It’s why the subjects are so random and why the grammar is terrible and I miss so many thoughts I could have included. I essentially come up with a subject, give myself a half an hour and then start improvising the rest.
It’s why some seem to trail off into oblivion and make no sense and others just work and click. It’s why I’m a failed novelist. That took too much planning, structuring and foresight. In the end, when it comes to planning, I don’t do too much of it, because in the end, even with the best planning, things change on the fly and there is nothing you can do about it. So, just like writing, and singing songs, I just wing life. Because nothing ever goes to plan. Just ask James Bond.
Bitter Improvised Lyric Guy Ben
I’ve always been fascinated with magic. I mean how can you not be enchanted when someone can just pick your card out of a deck? I don’t know who uses decks of cards more, casinos or magicians.
I’m not sure how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but somehow it didn’t take because I think it is still there. Guess Lady Liberty liked her little home on the island and couldn’t really afford a place in the city, especially because the 305 feet apartments are few and far between in Manhattan.
By the way, do you think David Copperfield, David Blane, Criss Angel and Penn and Teller went to Livermorney School of Witchcraft and Wizardry(the American version of Hogwarts)? If so, they must be the worst students, because 1) they are using their powers to be hack magicians, 2) they’ve kind of given away the secret that they are wizards. That is something like James Bond being the world’s worst spy, because everyone in the world knows about him. If he were a good spy, no one would know who the heck he was.
Let’s talk magic though. If you were to get the powers of a magician, what would you use the powers for?
Unfortunately, I would not be a Harry Potter, or a Hermoine Granger. Heck, I probably wouldn’t be a Voldemort either. I would just be a guy that would use my powers for my own good. Screw all the other people.
Also, I’m not that great at thinking big, or that great of a student. I probably would have only learned the low level spells that took the least amount of work. I’ve got a commute to work every morning that is way too long. I wouldn’t have learned how to fly on a broom, or learned how to apparate. I would have really only paid attention to the “get out of the way” spell. It would have just moved cars to another lane so I could get to work on time, instead of 20 minutes late.
I would probably not learned the time spell very well, but I would have been just motivated enough to learn the speed up time a minute spell. So I could have made meetings gone a little faster, but not enough to speed through the whole thing. And when it comes to doing something stupid at work, I could probably fast forward a minute so I didn’t do it, but my skills would have screwed it up and made it go back instead and then looped the screw up so it happened over and over again. Just my bitter luck.
All I know, is that I wouldn’t have worked in the Auror office, or as a part of the ministry of magic. I would have been some low level office worker selling potions over owl messages, dreaming about writing the next great novel about the secret world of Muggles. But, I would just end up quilling a blog about all the bitter things about being a wizard.
Bitter Magician Ben
We bought a house last March. We did it with the help of a realtor. Well, the help of a realtor is a stretch. We did all the real work, and he just drove us to the appointments. He was super non-helpful on any other hand. I’m pretty sure my wife should have got his commission because she did all the work. I wasn’t much help either. I just tagged along for the appointments and said, “Yes, that house is great and it’s $100,000 over our budget, so let’s buy it.”
Back to the realtor that wasn’t very helpful. He is part of a real estate group that occasionally does a client appreciation party. Last night happened to be one of those days. They were throwing a free pool party for current and past clients. I may have thought our realtor sucked, but I’m always down for free things, especially when they don’t cost anything.
The best thing about me is that even when something is free, I still find a way to be non-appreciative. So here is my review of the totally free pool party.
They had pizza, which as the loyal followers of my blog now, is my favorite food by far. Caviar, filet mignon and creme brule don’t even compare. If there is pizza within a mile of me, I will find it. I spend half my fiscal budget on it every year. At one of my previous jobs, I got the company to rename Friday as “Pizza”. I would walk into work and say, “Happy Pizza” instead of “Happy Friday”. The pizza at the free party was the worst pizza I have ever eaten. And I’ve eaten a lot of pizza. I accidentally bit off a little of the box, and it tasted better than crust on that pizza. It was terrible. That’s not to say I didn’t keep eating it. The worst pizza is better than the best kale.
There was a hot tub. Lots of people just wanted to relax at the end of a long day, or hide from their whiny kids for a little bit. Problem was when they arrived at the hot tub, there was a line. I’ve never been to any hot tub ever that required you to wait in line. What next? Will there be a coil slot that makes you buy hot tub time by the minute?
There was a lazy river. I’m all about a lazy river. You can’t spell my name without lazy river (because it is my middle name). I’ve been to some of the best lazy rivers in the world, and they can be amazing. If you get on a float and let the river flow take you, you can close you eyes and wake up 2 hours later with your favorite shade of red all over your body. This lazy river didn’t have floats though. And the depth was only 3 feet, so as you can imagine, for a six foot tall person, was a little uncomfortable. Have you seen that Geico Commercial where the soccer player scores a goal then slides on his knees for eternity? That was me in the lazy river. It was the only way to navigate that thing comfortably. And that was terribly uncomfortable.
So that’s my zero star review of the free pool party. Cardboard tasting pizza, lines for the hot tub and a lazy river that was far from lazy.
Bitterly Ungrateful for Free Pool Parties Ben
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton