Bitter Tuesday Giftures

 

You guys have no idea how bitter I am right now. For all those people that have followed me from the beginning, (absolutely none of you) I’ve written 1000+ posts about things that made me bitter. I’ve written about everything from the tiniest irritation to absolutely soul crushing of not having a job for the last 5 months. I am the bitterest about the thing that both you and I missed last Friday. Every Friday for more than 6 years, I’ve written a Bitter Friday Giftures post, come heck or low water. I never make excuses (just kidding I do all the time) for missing them and the thing that makes me so bitter is that it was the lamest excuse ever. I was sick (which I never get) and I had some lame things to do. So I missed it and you all didn’t even realize that something was missing for you. I’m not even going to try to make up for it, but for my sanity, I’m going to post Bitter Friday Giftures on a Tuesday, which is the worst idea ever, because I hate Tuesdays. Speaking of bad ideas…

Watch out for the cops…

…they will get you all wet.

Oh no, it’s all over for this guy…

…just kidding, it’s just beginning.

Now that is a boat…

…I can get onboard with.

I have a feeling…

…this is going to be a cow-tastrophe.

This guy is being such a…

…Jurassic hole.

Every dog has his day…

…and today isn’t his day.

This is the kind of video games…

…that would be based on my life. 

This is probably where Grumpy Cat went…

…after he died.

You spin me…

…right round baby right round.

I guess…

…this was a last ditch effort.

 Daniel-son does NOT…

…want to fight him.

Water these…

…people doing?

On a programming note, I am going on a very different kind of trip on Wednesday, late night and I might be blogging about it, while on the trip, so look out for it. Or maybe not. We’ll see won’t we?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Tuesday Giftures

 

Advertisements

Snapping the Bitterverse Friday Giftures

As we all know Thanos snapped half the universe in Avengers Infinity War. It was a bad time in the universe what with half the people dying, but he didn’t realize all the other things he snapped. He didn’t realize that he also snapped my sanity as well. I probably thought things were fine last year, but as soon as 2019 came, he snapped my reality, probably with the reality stone. I’m not very good at explaining the carnage, but I think the giftures below will do a much better job at doing so. Here comes some Bitter Friday Giftures, that explain much better than I.

 

 

A live look at 2019’s…

…punch to my face.

Someone’s trying to make me…

…flip out just a bit.

2019 was ready to…

…start some chaos.

I was just about to land perfectly…

…and fell just short. 

My start to the year…

…and then a finish.

This is a live look…

…at my life crumbling down.

This is a picture of life…

…throwing me curves over and over again.

This is a gifture…

…of life throwing me a gut punch to the face.

This is me taking life head on…

…and it laughing at my attempts.

This is me trying something different…

…and getting the same old results.

Again…

…life having a good laugh at my expense.

Me…

…trying to gain some traction.

Me attempting what I thought would be easy…

…and finding out not so much.

The nice thing is that I am sharing this life crisis with half the universe. I’m sure there is some guy on the moon that is also currently struggling to find any light, because well, he is on the dark side of the moon. I bet he wants to move to the light side of the moon, but housing is so expensive on that side and he can’t afford to drive to work, because gas prices are so expensive for his moon buggy. Thanks a lot for the economy Thanos.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Life Snap Ben

 

Cancellation Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Baseball is kind of a weird sport. The majors actually start in late March, which is technically spring, in some places, but in places like Chicago, and Minnesota and Milwaukee (which all have major league teams) not so much every year. Baseball depends on not having weather issues. Well, in the little leagues, where my son plays, there has been weather issues for a month now. Spring hasn’t really sprung, so there is a lot of games and practices that keep getting cancelled. That would be fine if he was an indoor kid, but he is best when he is outside and active. There are a lot of things that I would have rather cancelled lately, but that is a rant for another bitter day. What hasn’t been cancelled and never will be is the Bitter Friday Giftures.

What do you think about that…

…Mary Poppins?

I wish Loki…

…I wish.

On the other hand…

…when someone cancels plans…

No one is ever mad at me…

…just disappointed.

I can…

…barely handle this.

Who knew…

…that you needed to water your dog every day?

Eating things…

…is kind of difficult.

This was not so much of a…

…magic carpet ride.

This guy was riding…

…a double decker boat.

This is me…

…all the time.

My esteem…

…is in the toilet.

Self-sabotage…

…is what I excel at.

Now that the weekend is upon us, it is a good time to find a way to cancel things. Plans are meant to be broken. Follow your dreams of sitting on the couch. Get out there and stay in.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Cancellation Ben

End Game Bitterness

 

I am trying to think of a theme for my Bitter Friday Giftures, but right now all I can think about is the Avenger’s Endgame. I am not going to be able to see it this weekend, because of things, but I know that most people will. That is about a billion people I have to avoid because they will all spoil it for me. Don’t even say that you won’t ruin it for me either, because I can read people’s faces. Which is kind of weird, because I barely read anything else. Thankfully, my goal in life is to avoid others, so this shouldn’t be too hard. I intend of seeing it Tuesday, so if I run into you and you’ve seen it, please don’t let me see your face. How about we use Bitter Friday Giftures to give you some advice on how to avoid spoilers….

Someone thinks…

…they are pretty cool knowing how the movie will end.

Slight interruption…

…can Black Panther be the HR department I’m dealing with? 

Yeah I know…

 

…I hate when people ruin shows for you. 

So make sure…

…you stay hydrated…

Get enough…

…corn nutrients…

Don’t eat any…

…soy…

Or drink any…

…drugs.

Make sure you get plenty of…

…exercise.

Make sure you get large amounts..

…of Vitamin D.

Make sure you…

…breathe every once in a while.

Make sure to…

…walk it off..

And make sure to get…

…15-20 hours of sleep every night.

Well, that is all the advice I can think of. Hopefully, you guys can use some of this advice to avoid spoilers for the movie. I think I just might try to go deaf for a week. That sounds like a great plan.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Avenge a Spoiler Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Lego Marvel Avengers Iron Man Hall of Armour. If you can’t seem to fight the spoilers, at least create it in the Legoverse. This Lego set is $47.99, regularly $59.99. Fight those spoilers today!

 

 

 

Down The Rabbit Hole Bitterness

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

The best part about the place where we live, is we don’t have to do any yard work. It’s nice not only because we are old and our backs are giving out, but because our son is lazy and would want money to do it. At our old house in Seattle, we had a pretty big yard, and would spend most of our weekends just keeping up with our yard work. This isn’t to say that we did anything special, like plant flowers, pick weeds, or meticulously mow our lawn. We did just enough to keep up.

It is pretty ironic that my last name is Gardner, because I am no Gardener. I even did an April Fool’s joke a couple of years ago where I created a blog where I did gardening, because absolutely nobody would believe that I had a green thumb. The worst part about our lawn in Seattle was the molehills. (Do you want to know what I made out of the molehills? Mountains.) We got them all the time and they would just chew up our yard. I would always just mow over them, but they would just keep coming back.

Oftentimes, I would wonder what would happen if I went down the molehill. Would I find a couch and a TV set up down there, where the mole was watching humans mow lawns and weed whack things? Would I find a magical new world with Cheshire Cats and Hatters that were always mad about their hats? Or would it just be a direct tunnel to China?

All I know is that I am constantly wandering down Rabbit Holes called the the internet. I will open Twitter, because I see the little number thing over it, start scrolling some blog friends Tweet, and 2 days later, I’m looking at some random Tweet that someone made about some country I’ve never heard of. Or I click on Facebook number and all of a sudden I’m looking at a real estate listing for a condo in Southeast Asia. Or I hop on Instagram to see my parent’s photo of Costa Rica, and 4 days later my blog post has 360 words and the cursor is blinking at me aggressively to complete the post.

The rabbit hole is pretty powerful. Which is ironic, because I thought the only use for a rabbit hole was to bury chocolate every Easter.

Not as powerful as a rabbit hole.

In the coming days, all of us will see The Avengers Endgame movie that will show us some of the most powerful forces in the universe fighting to save the citizens of the previously mentioned universe. Yesterday, I was talking about the powerful force of a black hole that could suck all the coolness that I ever could have possibly had by making me grow up in South Dakota. Today, we might be talking about the most powerful force in the universe, the rabbit hole has the ability to suck all my valuable time and dump it into the internet.

Maybe the Avengers can solve that problem with one of their Infinity stones, but in the mean time, I have to figure out how to avoid the all-powerful Rabbit Hole.

Do you guys have any ways of avoiding the rabbit hole?

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Rabbit Hole Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Spalding NBA 44″ Polycarbonate Portable Backboard. This may not be a rabbit hole, but it is a hoop that you can drain your hoops and sorrows with. Pick up a basketball hoop today to cover up that hole in your concrete, or to appease your grandson with when he comes to visit. On sale now for only $118.99.

 

 

Job Store Bitterness

The Black Hole of cool.

I grew up in South Dakota, which is basically a black hole for anything cool, including me. I blame the fact that I am the world’s leastest cool person on growing up there. Man, did we struggle to come up with entertaining things to do for fun. We got tired of tipping all the cows(as did they) and driving the main street every Friday. These things did not make us any more attractive to the ladies. We did have a mall, where we stayed in shape from stalking the hot girls, but unfortunately, they were in even better shape from running from us.

If there is something that I’ve always been bad at besides talking to girls, it was getting a job. When it finally came time to working for the man at 15, and not doing a paper route or mowing the lawn, my dad told me to hit the pavement and start what he called “applicating”. Basically, he dropped me and my brother off at the mall and we were supposed to go store to store, asking if they had an application we could fill out and then we begged for a job.

The only reason I got my first job, was because Little Caesar’s was training a new manager and he didn’t really know what he was doing. He quickly interviewed me on the spot and hired me, not knowing I had no experience whatsoever. So I started with no training and no one to mentor me. Usually they would stick me in the back, ask me to run the dough into a machine that would flatten it, then put it in the pan and sprinkle some stuff on it. Over and over, until we had way too many pans filled with dough, stacked to the ceiling. Then I would spend the rest of my time hiding out in the freezer, or in the bathroom. I did have to answer the phone, because everyone else was busy actually putting ingredients on the pizzas, or cooking them.

Thanks for bringing up the horrible memories by the way.

So now that I am reliving the horrible experience of looking for a new job, ie “applicating”, it reminds me of all the “great” advice I get from people about getting a job.

1. Get some experience by doing work for free.

2. Just start your own business.

3. I saw a “Now Hiring” sign for Walmart, Target, The Gap the other day.

4. Have you ever tried Indeed, Monster, Glassdoor, LinkedIn?

5. Just go store to store and ask for an application.

6. Just become Instagram/Facebook/Twitter/YouTube/Tik Tok famous and become an influencer.

7. Just use networking, that’s how 80% of people get jobs now right?

Just like I just quoted.

Every time I hear advice like this I think of my my favorite meme of all time from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia(I’ve never seen more than a few episodes) where the one guy is advised to just go get a job. He basically says very sarcastically, Oh okay, I’ll just get on my job pants, get into my job car, get some job gas in the car, and go down to the job store where you can just pick jobs off the job tree.

I’ve got answers for all the questions above, and all of them are very sarcastic.

Just know that if you come thinking you have advice, know that I’ve heard it all and I have a very sarcastic answer waiting for each thing you advise. Unless you know someone that has an actual job available that can get me an interview, please proceed back to the job store.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Job Store Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Aalto Computer Desk – White – Christopher Knight Home. Since you are actively shopping at the Job Store, you might as well get more comfortable in your home office so you enjoy your job when you bring it home from the Job Store. Here is a nice computer desk you can put that computer on. It is on sale for $97.49, which is way less than the $129.99 you would have paid for it.

 

Baseball Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When I was growing up, baseball was my favorite sport…until I got hit in the gut with a fastball and had a fear of a little tiny ball going 60-100 miles an hour speeding right at me. I also realized that baseball was a lot of just standing around watching a pitcher throw to a catcher. So, I abandoned it for a long time, but just like John Wick, there is always something that pulls you back in. For John, it was a stupid kid that wanted his car and killed his puppy, but for me, well, it is my son. He decided that he wanted to play, so a couple of weeks ago, we brought him to a tryout, and a few weeks, and hundreds of dollars later, today is his first game. Of course, last week should have been, but freaking baseball requires dryness and last week, we just so happened to have rain. Just as rain puts a damper on baseball, I am about to put a damper on your week by telling you that it is Bitter Friday Gifture time again…

I have a feeling…

…there is going to be a lot of this.

And probably…

…a lot of this.

Maybe a little…

…frustration and anger.

Probably a lot of…

…temper tantrums.

Probably a few…

…swings and misses.

Probably a few…

…sudden drops.

Probably a few…

…parental fails.

Probably going to be a few…

…coaching fails as well.

Or more coaching…

…fails like this.

We’ll probably see…

…a lot of this.

We’ll probably see…

…more of this.

Or if we are really lucky…

…we’ll just get to see this.

 

Let’s be honest. The younger the kids, the more of a cluster this will be. And the faster I will want to come home and plant myself on the couch. Can someone pray for rain for me tomorrow? Or perhaps perform a rain dance?

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Baseball Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Rawlings Youth – 12 Prodigy Bat. The nice thing about baseball bats is that they serve multiple purposes, which I really like. You can use them for the limited purpose of playing baseball for a short season or two, before your kid quits in frustration, but the much better use is defend yourself in the case of a burglary in your home. Or something nice like destroying the fire alarm when it keeps going off in the middle of the night.

 

%d bloggers like this: