Cloning Dog Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife just popped in and told me that people have way too much money. Obviously, I agreed and told her that we were on the opposite end of the scale, IE, we have way too little. I then asked her why she said that, and she said that some family paid $50,000 to clone their dog. I know some people have a fierce attachment to their pets and that is okay if that’s what they love, but cloning one in my mind is way beyond normal in my eyes. I’m okay cloning someone’s answers on my test, or cloning someone’s dollars, but chill on the cloning of other things. Haven’t we seen enough bad sci-fi movies that taught us not to clone anything. Clearly that dog is going to be straight out of Pet Cemetery and we are going have some vicious dog attacking people that won’t be able to be killed. Don’t mess with cloning (except me cloning Friday Giftures every week). Speaking of which….

Don’t do something stupid…

…and get stuck in jail.

Did you know…

…jet skiing was good for your health?

That this guys was…

…way off target?

That this lady…

…isn’t very good at Mario Kart.

That the best man…

…was also the best fainter?

That every groom…

…should get to be the bride too.

Did you know…

…it’s not even close to summer yet?

Which means…

…it’s not quite Independence Day yet.

This is the leveled up…

…Spiderman.

And this is…

…how not to cross the street.

I’m a professional pitcher dad…

…I know what I’m doaaannng.

I’m Batman, the Dark Knight, the protect…

…aagghhhhh a daaaggg!

And there you have it. Although it isn’t smart to clone a dog, it is really smart to clone my posts because they do really well and they require no thinking, because that is what I’m famous for. Not thinking. See you on the flippidy flip.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Clone Failure Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Spot. If you haven’t heard the latest about these devices, they are all about listening to you carefully. Allow this one to listen to your every move. At a much lower price. If you buy two, you get $40 off.

 

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46 Reasons To Be Bitter

As is tradition on this Bitter Blog O’ Mine, I celebrate the birth of bitterness so many years ago by listing on this blog 46 reasons to be bitter, one for every year of my bitter life. It’s a fairly easy thing, because let’s be honest, everything in the world makes me bitter. And since I’ve written over 1000 bitter posts on this on my other blog, the source material is pretty deep. In fact, I could easily just take the titles of years past of posts that I never wrote or finished and easily complete a year’s worth. Sit back, relax, get some popcorn enjoy the bitterfest that is my life.

That sounds like a place I want to go.

1. Jobs. Let’s start with the most vexing thing in my life. I can’t get one, and even when I do, I will have to work at one. It’s the worst Catch 22 in the world with only two upsides. Money and some sort of medical benefit…if I get lucky.

2. Fire. It is hot. And it burns. Takes out forests. Maybe that is a good thing. But also

3. Bedtime stories. Has anyone ever finished one? Why would you want to start a movie and not want to finish it?

4. Apple Maps. Seriously, the worst ever at navigating. If I wanted to get lost, I would ask my wife or daughter to give me directions.

5. Escape Games. What is the point of a game that is trying to make me do math and science, just for the pure thrill of not dying?

6. Batteries. They are worse than humans, because their only purpose is to die, but they do it so much faster. We are constantly trying to revive them.

7. Chairs. None of them is ever as comfortable as a bed or a couch. Should we really be doing our hardest work when we are the most uncomfortable?

8. 60 Inch TV’s. Because they aren’t 70 inch, 80 inch or 100 inch TV’s. What is point of a TV smaller than 70 inches?

9. Tree Forts. Vastly inferior to pillow forts and blanket forts. Not only are they outside, but they are in trees, which suck so bad.

10. Hats. So many hats. They always seem to be covering your head, which is kind of rude when you are trying to use your head for thinking and such.

11. Clocktowers. A little outdated if you ask me, because you know, Smart Watches can tell us the time. Or cell phones. The last time one was useful was in 1955, and only because it was struck by lightening.

This is why I want to finish the basement. So we can eliminate this guy.

12. Basement. Particularly mine. It is unfinished. If I wanted something unfinished, I would display my life.

13. Plugins. One more thing that rechargeable batteries depend on, but also have the ability to shock you. Also Glade makes them smell like the forest.

14. Exclamation marks!!! They are the optimists of the punctuation world and just as annoying!!!!

15. Trash. Have to be taken out every single week, smells bad. Expensive. Destroys the environment. Worse than a clingy girl.

16. Oscar the Grouch. Likes the trash, and somehow less bitter than me.

17. Doctors. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as “healers”.

18. Starter packs. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as Pokemon Cards.

19. Pokemon. Basically legal animal fighting disguised as a video game where you have to “Catch Em’ All”.

20. Environment. Just another thing we have to fight about in political battles.

21. Aeration. That yearly spring tradition in which people poke holes in your yard that leave dog crap looking things in your lawn.

Leave my lawn alone please.

22. Buttermilk biscuits. It doesn’t matter if you make them with Buttermilk or add sausage, bacon and cheese, they are dry and the worst kind of bread.

23. Denny’s – Only think of them once a year, and that would be when you want to get a free breakfast on your birthday.

24. Birthday’s – That day when you are forced to talk to people, when they pretend to like you once a year, you get to eat food and cake all day and end up full and tired of people for another year.

25. Controllers. They only control video games, not your kids, co-workers, or your life.

They don’t work on people.

26. Target. Every time I walk in with my red shirt and khaki’s people are always asking me where things are.

27. Philly – Known for booing Santa Claus and having high unsuccessful sports teams, but also putting onions with steaks.

28. Lentils – You thought Biscuits were dry. These are the worst form of the bean family, which is already the lowest form of food.

29. Murder – In real life, we gasp in horror. In Law and Order and all their other sister shows, we crave more of it.

30. Molehill’s – People are always making molehill’s out of ant hills.

31. Breaking the Internet – If you are going to be rude enough to break the internet, could you at least call a repairman to fix it?

32. Blatant Disregard – My favorite kind of regard.

33. Digital Shorts – I understand how you can buy shorts digitally, but how do you wear them digitally?

34. Writer’s Block – Someone thought it would be funny to give me a block of wood for Christmas. Called it a Writer’s Block.

35. Selfie Stick – Someone thought it would be funny to break off a branch from a tree, give it to me for my birthday and told me to hit myselfie with it.

Never got my Toy R Us coupon book, I mean my kid’s coupon book this last Christmas.

36. Toys R’ US – I’ve kind of been disappointed with the spotty hours they have lately. Seems like they are only open after kids are all asleep?

37. Mad Libs – They would be fun if say, anyone knew what a noun, verb, or adjective was. It would be so much better if we could just make up words.

38. Crowds – Crowds would actually be tolerable if they didn’t involve people, sweatiness, excessive heat and if they were couches.

39. Dreams – The only dreams I have are ones where people are chasing me and I get so exhausted I lay down to take a nap and that guy has a dream.

40. Baseball – Some guy just got paid $440 million to fail at a .335 rate. I fail at only a 40% rate so I’m worth $500 million right?

41. Soundproof Rooms – Sound like a great idea. Why isn’t every room soundproof again?

42. Walmart – When you have the hankering to wait in a long pharmacy line, feel like you are stuck into the back of a trunk, or attend the circus of the strange, take a trip to your local Walmart.

43. Easter Egg Hunts – They keep the kids distracted, but not for near long enough. Also, I can’t seem to wrest enough candy from little kids without making them cry too loudly.

44. Can-Do Attitudes – As one who has a can’t do attitude, I don’t understand how people think they can do things.

45. Headphones – They never quite fit right, but mostly the never seem to keep people from talking to you, even when they are on.

Best way to keep people away.

46. Cheat Codes – While they come in handy for gaining unlimited weapons and eternal powers for video game characters, they haven’t given me unlimited coin for stores yet.

This is my gift to you all on this bitterest of occassions where I am a whole lot older than I was yesterday. Comment on which was your least favorite bitter thing on the list or your favorite thing to be bitter about. There is a whole big world out there, so find something that speaks to your bitterness.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Birthday Musings Ben

April Foolish Bitter Friday Giftures

 

If you guys have followed the blog for a while, you probably know that I have always done an April Fools joke every year. Some fairly good, other’s awful and this year, well, it wasn’t very good, but apparently most of you fell for it anyways. I did not ever get a tweet from Rainn Wilson asking to talk to me. Everything else I said in that post was true though. I do love the Office. Anyways, sorry for getting all your hopes up for the people that thought this blog was going to take me anywhere. A bitter person knows that stuff like that never happens to a dude like me. Anyways, to make up for such an awful April Fools Day prank, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures.

Enough…

…of the horsing around.

Make sure you…

…duck.

Make sure you…

…fade away.

Make sure you don’t…

…get too tired.

Make sure you do…

…whatever floats your boat.

Make sure things aren’t…

…a catastrophe.

Also…

 

…try not to get too fired up.

You can be nice…

…oar you can whack someone with an…oar.

The troubles Santa has…

…getting his reindeer going in the morning.

This isn’t what we meant when we said…

…we wanted Panda Express.

This guy…

…forgot to pack his trunk.

Sometimes…

…things are just stairing you in the face.

Thankfully, April is full of a lot of chances for shenanigans and tomfoolery. Let me know what April Fool’s jokes you enjoyed the best and I’ll do my best to copy the best ones next year.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter April Fool Ben

 

 

Dwight Shrute Bitterness

Don’t mess with Dwight.

As you all should know, I am a huge fan of The Office. Ever since I saw the episode where the people of Dunder Mifflin Scranton go to the lake for the Beach Games while Michael sneakily tries to pick his replacement, I was hooked. My favorite part was when Dwight picks his team and calls then the Gryfindors after Harry Potter’s house. Of course, Jim can’t possibly let Dwight off the hook with such an awesome name, so he calls his team Voldemort. Dwight says back, “You must say “He who must not be named.”

Jim taunts him again by starting the chant, “Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort.” Needless to say, I continued watching the series until its completion. Thankfully, I had most of the show on DVD or Blu-Ray and could easily re-watch it. I didn’t though, for a little while. The ending was amazing and it was hard to see going back to it for a little while. Plus, there were other shows, right? Parks and Rec had great potential (though I never watched it until last year) and Community came on the air and was a breath of fresh air. I super loved it and thought it was criminal that it didn’t do better in the ratings.

About 3 years ago, I moved to Utah, went back to school and when I finished, and was looking for a job, I would stay up late at night to play video games. But after another frustrating day of not getting a job, I just needed to sit on the couch, and just chill. We had Netflix as our only form of TV, so I would flip through the shows and look what popped up. That’s right. The Office.

He’s definitely watching the Office right now.

Of course, I had to pop that in. Just an episode or two, and then to the games. Then it seemed to be three or four. All of a sudden, I’m dreading the day the last episode plays, because then I have to find something else. So I slow down my consumption, but the dreaded day comes, and I feel empty. A few days later, I’m going through Netflix trying to fill the void in my bitter heart, when I see the category, “Watch it Again.” The Office. It’s been a few days, the ending has faded and I’m thinking…I could just watch a few episodes until I find a new show. The cycle completes, then again and again. Now I have it memorized and what happens in each episode.

So yeah, the Office is the King. So in 2015, before all this happens, I remember how excited I was about my blog. I wanted to make a lot of money with it. I was just gung ho about how I was going to make it a success. Some big wig was going to see it, he would tweet me and ask if he could incorporate all the content I had written into his blog or new show he was going to do and I would come along for the ride.

Yep, Jim’s a nerd.

So I decided to Tweet @RainnWilson one time about my blog and asked him to read one of my best posts. Of course, there was no response. I figured he was too busy and popular to read my blog or any blog for that matter. Then, he came along a few years later and had a short lived series on Fox about him being a messed up detective. He actually wanted people to live tweet him about the show, and said he would respond. It was my chance to get in his good graces again.

So I lived tweeted him, left my blog again and…(Price is Right failure sound) bom, bomp, bommmbb. Nothing. I saw he respond to a bunch of people, but he was too busy for me. I pretty much thought all was lost, and really just forgot about him and reluctantly moved on.

I’m feeling a little like this right now.

That’s usually when the magic happens right? Anyways, to my shock and amazement, he finally responded! I could not believe it, and I’m still in shock, but he read one of my posts. I think I just might die. So it was a quick note, but he said and I quote, “Loved the blog post. Would love to talk further. DM me.”

My heart is still beating out of my chest and I’m trying to craft my response in a way that will not sound too fanboyish. Should I sound chill and just say, “Sure Dwight, I mean Rainn. Love to talk further to you too.” All I know is that I don’t want to Shrute this up.

Got any suggestions for me? I would really like to hear what you guys have to say.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter “Don’t Shrute it” Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

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Man Cave Bitterness

I’m almost 46 and I still don’t have a man cave. Something needs to be done about this. I will even go as far as digging a few holes in the ground, but I don’t know if my HOA will approve that. In that case, I should tell them that I won’t dig holes if they will pay to get my basement finished along with the man cave built. Seems fair right? Oh, it doesn’t? Well, as my dad always told me, “Life isn’t fair.” So that includes you too HOA. I will expect it done by the end of April. I’m pretty reasonable that way. Speaking of unfair, these Giftures are pretty unfair too.

Butter is good…

…but I’m not smooth.

Sometimes you just have to get…

…bird off your shoulder.

It’s always good to get exercise…

…like getting in a good swim.

I guess that is one way…

…to end winter.

It’s always nice…

…when your brakes work going down a hill.

It’s always nice to…

…bounce back.

When you hand them something on a silver platter…

…and they still mess it up.

We clearly know…

…which one is dad’s favorite.

Actually…

…I quite enjoy it.

You’d be amazed…

…at how little I can do.

Because of how…

…I can relate.

A true failure…

…can make it not work on any day.

And that is how the failure sauce is made. Look forward to pictures of the man cave the my HOA is most assuredly going to build in my basement, despite how unfair it will be for them.

ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Man Cave Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

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Rubik’s Cube Bitterness

Slow poke.

I grew up in the 80’s, which was a very colorful time. We moved from New York to South Dakota right as the country was transitioning from disco to MTV. Micheal Jackson was at the peak of his powers, and I was finally starting to become a human (I don’t remember much before I was 6), so I was starting to get immersed in pop culture. I got my first cassette player, started listening to the radio and started watching cartoons. Before the 80’s was taken over by The Transformers (at least for me), there was this magical cube that took over the everything for a little while.

That’s right. I’m talking about the Rubik’s cube. It had 6 sides, with nine little mini cubes on the face of each side and 6 different colors. While I bought into the craze for a little bit and watched a show on TV that featured a guy that could solve the cube in like 6 seconds, I moved on from it pretty quickly. It could be that I wasn’t very good at solving it (IE I never solved it) or because the math on randomly solving it was way beyond my math comprehension, it just never really caught on for me.

Nowadays, they offer it in multiple different brain busting ways and there are still people doing the math to figure out how to solve them fast. What I don’t like about the Rubik’s Cube is the massive amount of combinations that have to go right just so you can solve for one side. I remember solving it for two sides once and I was beyond excited to the point where I didn’t touch it for a week, so as not to mess it up.

Sometimes I feel like getting a job has the same amount of combinations that have to go right in order for me and a place in order to score a job that even remotely seems like a fit for both me and them.

All for $12/hr.

Typical Job Listing:

12 years of experience in customer service, Google Ads, Facebook Ads, Google Analytics, CSS, HTML and 40 other computer programs, many which have not been around for more that 4 years

Demonstrated ability to be a leader, take charge type personality. Must be dynamic, have ability tell others what they feel like

Ability to take orders from CEO, CFO, Marketing Manager, co-workers, customers, family, friends and anyone that says anything to

Must work well with others; ability to take input from all co-workers; must be work well on your own, for hours at a time

Must be able to lift 150 pounds, travel frequently, must be available for overtime and weekends;

Looking for a family oriented individual that cares for the environment, spends hours of their own free time serving the community,

A diverse copywriting portfolio that focuses on blogs, white papers, and can work on tight deadlines.

Must be a detail oriented, perfectionist that must be so detailed that they never spell a word wrong, doesn’t make an uncompelling article, and always take their time getting the writing piece just right.

Must have skills in video, filming, editing, Adobe Photoshop,

Part time contract job lasting 3 weeks.

We go through rigorous testing to find just the right candidate

$9.00/hr

No benefits because you are a part time contract employee. Could move to full time in 3-5 years of loyal underpaid service.

My resume:

I like to write blog posts.

Can you see why so many people want to hire me?

 

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Rubik’s Cube Ben

Can I play your phone Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My son is 11 and he already makes me think that he will work for the United Nations someday. He is always negotiating high powered contracts and he is relentless. For instance, we recently lost Xbox Live Gold, which allows you to play games with your friend over Xbox. I decided that as much as I want to renew, I let it slide for a little bit, because I don’t need it ALL the time. Because of this, he can’t talk to all his friends and some games like Fortnite won’t even work. So he has been constantly hounding me every day to get it. I finally decided in order to delay him, that if he goes to bed for a week on time and without argument, he can get it. He agreed of course, because he will do anything to get it. However, he has still been hounding me to get it every day after school and he keeps trying to change the terms.

This is nothing new as he is constantly trying to get us to do things that we don’t want to do for him. Since he doesn’t have a phone yet, he is always hounding me to allow him to use mine. But since mine is one of those ultra expensive ones (one that I had waited five years for), I tell him no. So he uses his mom’s all the time. But he never stops asking me to use mine, despite the fact that I’ve told him no multiple times. The kid just doesn’t give up. That will bode well for his UN job someday.

Bitter Friday Giftures will never give up either despite all the time they are being told no.

Unfortunately…

…this guy kept trying this one over and over.

There’s something fishy…

…about these guys not giving up.

Fall down 9 times…

…get up 11.

Sometimes…

…you just need to give the kids a little nudge.

Cats…

…are always so helpful in your exercise efforts.

Doesn’t matter how hard you try…

…you will fail.

If you can’t go through…

…go under.

Don’t let kids…

…mess with you.

If you’re going to fail…

…pretend like it didn’t happen.

Or…

…just fail with no style.

Or just make sure…

…the whole world sees it.

Or just pretend…

…you don’t car at all.

The end of the week is here. That means you don’t let anyone play your phone. Your phone is for important things like reading fine books, answering important business emails and…alright it is for Candy Crush…but for you, not your kids.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter No you can’t play my phone Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

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