Harry Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I was watching Harry Potter last night and it reminded me of something spooky. No, not witches and wizards or Horcruxes or Voldemort. It reminded me of something I did just yesterday. I didn’t like my haircut, so I fixed it myself. My hair is already bad enough, but then letting myself hack it up even more is a really bad idea.

I just took the old Wahl clippers out and hacked the side of my hair. I just can’t stand when it gets long, because then it reveals how many grey hairs there are, and that is my best look. I got hair all over the sink and in my hair(ironically) so I had to sweep in all up and take a shower to get it all out. Luckily, my wife didn’t notice until I told her and she cares more that I didn’t spend $12.95, than how my hair turned out. Anyways, so it was a pretty Harry situation. See how Harry Potter reminded me of my bad hair cut? I’m guessing you would just rather it reminded me to do the Friday Bitter Giftures so you could get on with your day. Here you go:

Who’s ready for the weekend…

…and not for Monday?

Who’s ready to be a little…

…unicorny this weekend?

Who’s ready to make…

…their TV debut this weekend?

Who is going to me talking to their animals…

…this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to meet a celebrity this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to FACE the music this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to start a boy band this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…drop the mic this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to go on a road trip this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to flip out this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…go to the beach this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

 

…go dancing this weekend?

None of you? Yeah me either.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Harry Potter Ben

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John Wick Bitterness

Spoiler Warning: They are all about the same.

I’ve never understood the Phone wars (Samsung v. Iphone) or the mobile network wars (T-Mobile v. ATT v. Verizon v. Sprint). At this point all of them are pretty much the same and do about the same thing. I think they all pretty much suck at phone calls (which is fine because I don’t call anyone), they all allow you to text, take pictures to send to Facebook and Instagram, and they all have pretty decent, close-to-lasting-all-day- batteries. Really, they all are glorified games machines for most people. Don’t even pretend you use them for work or those fancy features they show on TV.

Basically, you just want a network so you can complain about how slow it is and a phone that cuts out only when you really need it.  I have a Samsung phone and a T-Mobile plan. T-Mobile has a feature called T-Mobile Tuesdays, in which you can get discounts or free stuff. Most of it is garbage like free hats or 1 Taco if you buy 12 at Taco Bell. There is one, however, that our family looks forward to every month, which is the free rental from Redbox.

Because we have three T-Mobile phones in the house we get three codes that have to be used within the week. We all save them and then the countdown in on until next Tuesday. They often do the free rentals on weeks that have absolute garbage, so we have to really reach deep into the Redbox archives, so we’ve seen some things that we don’t really want to talk about.

So many things.

This weeks binge was tight because we hardly had any time with all the school, work and sports activities. We finally decided on John Wick, even though I had already seen it, but loved it, so I was ready for another Wickathon.

Since I had seen it already, I was able to make more observations than the first time. What I realized in watching it the second time is that basically John Wick is just a grown up version of Hide and Seek. That’s right. While this movie is dense with lore about some High Table, Continental underground assassin society with a bunch of rules, it’s basically Hide and Seek.

The movie starts just after the events of John Wick 2.  John Wick brokes the rules of the game(he killed someone at the Continental, which is the safehouse for assassins) at “base” and now he is it. Every assassin in the network has to count to 10 (in the movie it is half an hour) and John has to hide the best he can. Then, when the timer is up, everyone has to find John.

Tag, you’re it. Nope you missed me. You’re it.

The problem is because he broke the rules of tagging someone at the base, he can no longer use the base as safe anymore. So he runs all around the world, avoiding tag (he is one of the best in the world at hiding and seeking), but the odds are pretty overwhelming. So he visits his former tag buddy Hallie Berry in Casa Blanca. She owes him a favor, so she helps him visit someone who will help him, and then her dogs help him avoid getting tagged by the guys fortress.

In the meantime, this lady who is apparently in charge of punishing people for breaking the rules tells John he is it and has to tag someone else, or he’s out of the game (dead). When John says no, she calls mommy (the head of the high table) because John and Winston aren’t playing fair.

I’m calling mom.

The other hilarious moment that made me realize that this was really just a grown up game of tag, was when John was being chased by a guy on a motorcycle and just as the guy is about to tag Wick, John jumps off his motorcycle and touches the steps of the Continental to show that he is safe at base, so the guy chasing him isn’t allowed to tag him.

What other movies have made you think of things like tag? What other movies remind you of a kids game but just grown up? Lemme know in the comments.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Grown Up Tag Ben

 

 

Venmo Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There is a social media app out there that I think many of you are missing out on.  On the surface you might think that Venmo is just another way to convenient way to pay people without actually paying them, but you would be wrong. In fact, if you are on Instagram mostly just to look at other people’s pictures, which I mostly am, this app takes it to a whole other level. If you think looking at other people’s pictures is slick, just wait until you see what other people are paying for. For some strange reason (probably my entertainment), when you pay someone on Venmo you can use emojis to express what you paid people for.

But the most bizarre feature on Venmo is that most people’s payments are public. Basically anyone you have ever paid, or got paid for on Venmo can choose to make their payment to another either private or public. I usually choose private, but most people either don’t care, or don’t remember to make it private. This leaves you with a timeline like on Facebook or Instagram, but more entertaining, because people usually use really funny emoji’s that they think are an inside joke, but really they are public to people like me who are just reading the timeline to figure out what you are doing with your cash.

Not only does it allow me to sneakily find out what you are doing, but also all your inside jokes. And that you have way too much money and should be Venmoing some to me. Enough about the latest social media app. Let’s talk Bitter Friday Giftures.

Let’s all pretend…

…that we are living for enlightenment.

Let’s all pretend…

…that we just want to make the world a better place.

Let’s all pretend…

…we’re just trying to learn new things.

Let’s make believe…

…we’re all just trying to connect.

Let’s live in a Utopian world…

…where we are just learning to dance.

Let’s think we have meaning…

…because we came up with a new idea.

Let’s think of a magical world…

…where you are loved because of your personality.

Let’s pretend…

…life is fun because of spending time with others.

Let’s pretend we live in a world…

…where making it rain is just the water from the skies.

Let’s pretend that we live in world…

…this isn’t everyone’s favorite kind of lettuce.

Let’s pretend we live in a world…

…where this guy is saying, “SHOW ME THE CUSTOMER SERVICE AND ATTENTION!”

Let’s live in a world where this girl is famous… 

…for her talents.

I know you all believe that talent, and enlightenment, making the world a better place and spending time with others is real purpose of life, but let’s be honest with ourselves. You know those reasons I listed why Venmo was the best social media app at the beginning of this post? It was all lies. The reason why Venmo is the best social media out there is because cash.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Venmo Loving Ben

 

Tennis Match Bitterness

Look at rage over his screen freezing.

Back in the day when computers first came out, one of the first video games that came out  was a game called Pong. I was a little too young, so I didn’t really understand “computer games”, but apparently it was a BIG thing. It was very similar to tennis and if you know anything about tennis, you know that watching it can turn you into a bobblehead doll when watching it.

When we go over to my sister-in-laws they have a basement that has ping pong and a pool table. I’m not much of a fan of ping pong, but my son will get bored and insist I come down and play with him. As a pretty bad father, I will whine and complain that I have more important things to do, then finally get tired of his whining and give in and play. I secretly hope he will grow tired of it so I can move on, but it does take him some time to get bored. I guess I get some bonding time or something and like get to hear his problems or whatever, but what am I supposed to do with all that information? Try to help him grow into a responsible adult?

It’s not like all that time I spend bonding with my father turned me into a responsible adult. The point is, we spend time going back and forth, just like tennis and if you watch it, your head starts to spin around like in Poltergiest or the Shining or something and you start to get neck pain. Like I need any more pain than I already have.

Nowadays, you can’t seem to avoid the tennis/pong back and forth neck crane (if there were a better, shorter way to say that I would certainly use that term) even in your business/professional life. Back in the days of Pong, you probably only had one screen, because your screen was inseparably connected with your computer. Now your screens don’t even need a tower, they can just be connected to a laptop, or even a phone for goodness sakes.

Megadesk!!!!

All the computer nerds realized that you could have two screens to handle all the crazy things they were doing and then three and four, then Megadesk. All of a sudden, someone with only 2 screens was feeling like their company didn’t value them. Okay, so I only have two screens.

 

 

On Friday I was doing this report where I had to transfer some data from my left screen to my right screen. So as you can probably imagine, I was doing the tennis/pong back and forth neck crane (I really need a shortened word for that. Perhaps a reader could suggest one?)

Left screen, right screen, left screen, right screen. By the end of the day, I felt like I was watching a tennis match, without the fun part of getting lemonade and being outdoors not working.

Can you think of any other things you do a work that seem like sports? Lemme know in the comments.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Tennis/Pong Back and Forth Neck Crane Ben

Short Week Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Remember all the way back to Monday? Remember how most of us had Labor Day off? It seems like so long ago, but we decided not to labor ironically. The reason why it seems so long ago is because of this weird phenomenon where those shorter weeks we get from holidays seem longer because of it. I don’t know about you, but everytime I’ve ever had a four day work week, I feel like the week seems twice as long. Which is why I think we should experiment with one day work weeks to see if perhaps that day is even longer. As a glutton for punishment, I volunteer as tribute. Of course, because the week will seem five times as long, I expect 5 times the pay. That is a sacrifice I’m willing to make for all of you. You’re welcome. Especially since it will be a Friday and I will have to do these Giftures and have pizza on the same day. I’m actually kind of a national hero if you ask me. On to the Bitter Friday Giftures:

Just like everyone else…

…our barbecue didn’t go as we planned.

And Labor Day was…

…a tad roasty outside.

We went to the mall…

…and we ran into a little bit of a line.

And when I finally woke up on Tuesday…

…so did reality.

As expected…

…the week got off to a slow start.

I tried to work on a little interview…

…but that had an abrupt end.

I tried to work on a spreadsheet…

…but then I realized I don’t know what a spreadsheet is.

I tried to work the computer…

…but how to operate it wasn’t coming back to me.

I asked IT about it…

…and they came and fixed it.

Since I bring the bagels on Wednesday…

I asked them to slice them…and they did them wrong.

Now that it is finally Friday…

…I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head.

And I’m ready for…

…Saturday.

Alright, so if there are any people out there that are willing to give me a try for the one day work week, I might be willing to apply for your job. Just make sure I don’t have to do anything to intensive because you know, it’s Friday and we are all living for that weekend baby.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Labor One Day Ben

3 PM Afternoon Crash Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Based on recent trends, or maybe just what I’ve noticed,  I think the human body seems to naturally shut down around 3 pm. I assume most people, like me, have finished their really important work by 10 am, had lunch by 12 or 1 pm and are just biding their time until 5 pm. For some reason, 3 pm is just that time of day where you are just ready to shut it down for the day. Blame biology or the many years you spent in school getting out around 3 pm or just plain laziness, but commercials and studies and energy drinks have figured out that 3 pm is the magical time when people sleep with their eyes open.

There is a commercial that came out recently for one of those healthy nut, cheese and cranberry combos that claim they combat the 3 PM crash, but my co-workers and I laughed that off.  I’m thinking you need something a little stronger than a wedge of cheese and few nuts to combat the 3 PM slide. I think the solution is not fighting it, but just taking a nap on the couch…for about two hours. Just in time to go home.

Now let’s get to the real nuts and cranberries of why we are here. Behold, the Bitter Friday Giftures.

 

This is just literally…

…a sleepy crash.

Then there is when you crash so hard…

…you fall into a secret passage.

Then there is the subtle…

…I’m going home right now crash.

This is what the 3 PM crash…

…feels like.

As soon as you get home…

..from work.

That feeling you get…

…right when you boss decides to walk by.

 

Possibly the only reason…

…you can really power through.

I’m a big fan…

…of this move.

This is me…

…at some boring awards banquet.

Definitely me…

…when someone asks me to work late.

This is my co-workers…

…when they know I’m falling asleep.

And this, of course…

…is when I’m wide awake.

A quick suggestion for you, before you reach the 3 PM crash. Don’t, I repeat, don’t read this blog as it will surely put you to sleep with its dull words and its mesmerizing gifs that will quickly lull you to sleep. Perhaps it might also help to get one of those pairs of glasses that make it look like your eyes are open. That is your only hope.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter 3 PM Crash Ben

Bitter Dream House

I would get an MTV cribs style home, without allowing anyone to tour it.

Most of the spring and summer when I was unemployed, I dreamed up different ways to pay the bills. Most of them involved the lottery, Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or starting a very successful YouTube channel. They were all long shots, but at the time, so was getting an interview that would actually seem like a job that would want me and I would want them.

In the meantime, something popped up in my email that sounded interesting. HGTV has a contest every year for a dream home that is designed by their team of dream home experts or something. Anyways, you could enter the contest once a day on both HGTV and somewhere else, so I thought I would at least give that a go while I was fruitlessly applying for jobs.

Everyday I entered twice. I had no idea what the house looked like, or where it was located, but I figured we could rent it out or sell it to curious customers as a B N B and make enough to cover the taxes and make a little money.

In the end, as always in my bitter life, I didn’t win taking the lazy way. I did make me curious though. What kind of features would I want in MY dream house? Of course, it would probably be designed with my family in mind, because apparently they always come first.  But if I could get selfish for once, what features would I include if it was styled in MY way?

Like a subway car, but just in my house.

How Would I get around? 

If you don’t know already, I’m lazy. On the other hand, I want my house to be big. So there is the matter of transportation (IE. how I get around).  Since I will spend most of my time in the theater room (more on that later), but sleep in my bed three stories up, I will need to find a way to get up there. Clearly an elevator would be required for situations when I could haul myself to the elevator (though I could install it in the theater room for easier access), I would still need to get into the bedroom easily. There are a few ideas on how I would do it, but I’m thinking a tram or trolley like Disney uses to get me from place to place around the house.

What to eat?

Pizza, of course.

I didn’t make up the whole we have to eat and drink to survive thing. Humans are just so weak that they need power ups and potions all the time. Since I will again be in the theater room all the time, I will need food from a faraway kitchen, which I guess the rest of the family cares about. To me, as long as food is near me, I don’t need a kitchen. I despise ordering people around, but I don’t have any issues with ordering robots around. I guess maybe I will need a robot advanced enough to be able to be close by enough where I can demand he make me a pizza or sub sandwich, whenever I am in need of fuel.

How to appear in Public? 

I’m invisible.

Since my mansion will be paid for by the generous donations of HGTV or Publisher’s Clearing House, or YouTube, I won’t be needing the stupid excuse to appear outside thing, called a job. But if every once in a while I am forced to face the sunlight and toxic fresh air outside, I will need some sort of cloaking device that makes me appear not like 1000 year old wizard. I would really appreciate a closet that would make it appear like nothing is wrong when I go outside. Not so much that I care what I wear looks good on Instagram, but more like I fit in enough so no one has to speak to me. If there were some sort of clothing that camouflaged me into looking like a normal human that didn’t need any special attention or need to be talked to, I would like that wardrobe every day, as long as it is comfortable.

Well, that is my list of demands. I know Publisher’s Clearinghouse is on the verge on knocking on my door, so just whenever you can make it, that would be great. I need people to get to work on my theater room.

What are your dream home needs?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Dream Home Ben

 

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