Building a Bitter Mousetrap Friday Giftures

 

They say you have to build a bitter mousetrap in order to catch mice. Well, in our last home it didn’t seem to work, because they just kept coming back. Sometimes, I think you just need to build more mousetraps. I guess they were just attracted to our food or something. It’s not like we had anything really great to eat. Just old spaghetti and flour. Nobody eats flour. It so bland. A lot less bland than these bitter friday giftures will be.

At least we know duct tape…

…is good for something.

Behold…

…the terror of the ladder.

I always love…

…a good comeback.

Some people tackle…

…hurdles a little differently.

Some people…

…just flop in style.

It’s always nice…

…to help out your teammate.

The stove…

…finally cooks something right.

I love…

…when siblings are so supportive of one another.

When bubble machines…

 

…attack.

When you have to…

…take your kids to work, it’s a balancing act.

Just chilling…

…in his castle.

This ride…

…has gone to the dogs.

Here’s to all of you who haven’t figured out a way to build a bitter mousetrap and just keep doing it the same old way. Cause new mousetraps are shiny, but aren’t as effective as the old mousetraps.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Mousetrap Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Watch Ya’ Mouth Ultimate Edition Game. The best way to build a mousetrap, is to just play a board game. This one in which you have to say words with a huge retainer in your mouth is a delight. It is on sale for $15.99. Get yours soon before they are all gone!

 

 

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Bitter Business Bureau

Had to furnish this thing.

When we moved into this house about a year ago, we had to furnish it. Of course we got the most important things first, the couch, TV and fridge, which I have spent the most amount of time using. I guess we also got a table, our old furniture and bed, but those weren’t really necessities like the couch. Since we are big shoppers of Costco and Sam’s, my wife decided to get our beds at Sam’s Club.

We figured it would last us a good long time because, you know, beds are supposed to do that. On the other hand, I wanted to get a Purple bed, because I had always heard good things about them and I wanted to be able to get rest in the bed we purchased. I was overruled and we got the Sam’s bed. Now, less than a year later, we have this volcano in the middle of the bed. We both live in these deep canyons on each side, while a big border wall lives in the middle. I don’t know who is going to pay for the wall, and I’m not sure who built it, but there is definitely a border skirmish in the middle which is causing massive problems.

Have a couple of grand canyons in our bed.

I’m not right a whole lot, as my wife will tell you, and time will tell if a Purple bed is the right answer to the bed question, but I think I might have been right about not getting the beds from Sam’s. We both wake up with back pain (though I’ve been doing that since Junior High due to scoliosis) and we pretty much know the culprit.

While I was doing my research about the Purple bed, I read nothing but good things. The beds are great, they don’t wear out, people’s back problems were relieved, they didn’t sleep hot or cold, all the good things. Then one little detail popped up that didn’t make me rethink the bed, but gave me a little pause. Under the little BBB(Better Business Bureau, not Ben’s Bitter Blog) symbol they got an “F” grade. When I saw that, I started wondering a few things.

Does the BBB have a different grading system than schools? Do they just use letters for words like Fit, and Fabulous? Or does Purple beds have a really large problem with dealing with customers. Then I just figured it was bad customer service and moved on.

If they can have a bureau for investigation, why can’t they have one for bitter business?

What I did decide was that I needed to start the Bitter Business Bureau to help bitter people feel comfortable in knowing which businesses had people that weren’t overly cheery or helpful or in their face about things. Because a bitter person doesn’t want people to talk to them when they go to stores. They certainly don’t want helpful people. They just want their product, they want to get out of the store and they want someone to commiserate with them when they bring back the product for a full refund when they are done using it and just want their money back.

I believe the Bitter Business Bureau will finally be an administration that will be of use to bitter people and will help them maintain their bitterness at peak levels.

Who would like to be on the cabinet? Who would like to speak to the government on behalf of the nation’s bitter people to get this new branch of government? Who would like to elect me board member of this (IE guy that gets a golden parachute, but doesn’t have to do any work)?

Join the bitter ranks.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Business Bureau Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Xbox One X 1TB Black. These things don’t go on sale very often, so you should definitely get one soon. They are only $449.99, $50 off the regular price. And if you don’t like it, contact the Bitter Business Bureau and they will complain really hard for you (no results guaranteed).

 

Insecurity Bitterness

Gotta have security.

Security is kind of a big deal in a lot of ways. It has been a big buzzword in our country in the last few years. While I don’t comment on politics because they boring and I don’t know much about them, but I think I have enough bitterness in other areas to not have to concentrate on them.

Let’s just say that security can come in a lot of different ways. One big thing that has caused quite a few news stories is people stealing things from other people’s porches, especially around the holidays. People have those NEST cameras, so they are at least able to record thieves from stealing stuff, but police aren’t really responding to a vast majority of these smaller crimes (at least according to my extensive research of overhearing that).

Those Nest security cameras.

An awesome YouTuber did one of those virus videos about a month ago about how he was going to get criminals back with an elaborate ruse in which he made a package that was full of surprises for the thief. He filled the package with all kinds of surprises like a glitter bomb and an awful smell. He also included a camera and GPS so he could record the reaction and recover it. It was both funny and an amazing way to get revenge. Mostly the revenge. I had always thought about exacting revenge with a glitter bomb, but wanted to make sure I recorded it. This guy made it possible.

There is a good reason why stores spend so much money on security. The more they lose from theft, the more they have to charge people. Some stores are subtle with their methods. Cameras everywhere, undercover shoppers, and those electronic things you walk by when you leave the store. Then there are some stores that take security overkill to the next level.

I’m talking about you, Ross Dress for Less. My wife and I were looking for a white shirt for my son, but were having trouble finding one that fit that was less than $30. We went to several stores and were striking out. Then we saw Ross Dress for Less in the strip mall we were at, and decided to go there. Before we did though, my wife was like, “I hate Ross Dress for Less.” I’m not a big fan either, but we decided to check it out. We almost immediately regretted not going there first, because as soon as we made it inside, we struck gold.

An amazing amount of white shirts his size and they were less than $10. We were so excited that we almost punched the security guards. Wait, did I just say security guard? Yes, at Ross Dress for Less, they have security guards. More than one. In fact, they are there as greeters as soon as you step inside the store. They usually look younger than my 11 year old. They do have a vest though that makes them look intimidating. And they also have a radio at their side in case they need to take someone down with one of their radio antennas. Or call the real cops, because they don’t have handcuffs either.

They treat you like you said bomb, just for trying on a $5 shirt.

Then there is the product. Each product, whether it is a $.99 cent piece of candy, or an upper echelon product like a $10 sofa, everything has a tag. Don’t even think of coming into the store with a backpack, or you will get searched as if you are trying to infiltrate the White House or Notting Hill Palace where the queen lives.

Security at Ross treats you like you are trying to break into Notting Hill Palace.

 

The worst part was when my son wanted to try on some clothes. Before you try anything on, you are greeted by a menacing 16 year old girl who insists that you hang your clothing items up on a rack, where she takes her time counting how many articles of clothing you have, and then gives you a number, the exact amount of articles she counts. You must try them on, the come back, hang them up on her rack again, give her the number, and she will ask, “Did they fit? Will you be buying them?” and an interview amount of questions before you leave. Unfortunately, we had to go through this process three times, because my son kept finding new things.

My wife said she would never work there either, because the employees have to go through an extensive search of their bags before they leave too, because I guess someone might take a precious $7.00 pair of size 18 shoes or something.

All I know is that I don’t bring my arsenal of guns when I go there, because I think the 18 year old security guard might mistake it for a Nerf gun that might cause a threat to their way uptight security.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Insecurity Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Show. This device can help you fortify your home better than Notting Hill Palace or even more than Ross Dress for Less. Pick one up today!

 

Bitter News from the Couch #9

It is time again to hear about all the news that wasn’t relevant to people at all. That’s right. Time to put on your non-thinking caps and just listen to some of the most irrelevant news you can possibly think of. If you are a glutton for punishment, feel free to follow this ongoing saga and subscribe to the Bitter Entertainment Network channel on YouTube. I promise you will be disappointed.

Marching Into Bitter Friday Giftures

I don’t know about all of you, but February is both way too short and way too long. When watching the news all I keep hearing about is how much snow and bad weather everyone is getting (despite the fact that the Groundhog said winter was over) and terrible news about the government. I think if the government can do a shutdown, so can I. Not this blog of course, but just caring about things in general. So as far as I’m concerned it is March. If it isn’t at least the month of March, at least we can start marching toward it and just ignore the last few days of Feb. That being said, let’s just march toward todays…Bitter Friday Giftures.

Honestly…

…we should just start riding escalators like this.

This is my favorite form of dance…

…the Lazyboda.

I juggle responsibilities…

…like she juggles rings.

Always taking things just a little too far…

…since 1973.

Always making fanfare…

…since last year.

Looking forward to…

…teaching my kids how to drive.

When your wife asks you…

…to do a simple task.

When your wife asks you…

…to paint the house.

The best way…

…to get to your house.

I always run the fastest…

…when getting on the couch.

How hard I work…

…to get on my couch.

Taking out the…

…evil traffic cones.

Well, I guess that is that. Thanks to us skipping the rest of February, we know have the opportunity to miss the Oscars. So sorry about that all you Hollywood actors, directors and cinematographers. I guess you will have to wait til next year to see what happened.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter March Ben

asdf

Target Deal of the Day: Nest Hello Video Doorbell. The best way to catch fails on video is to have a Nest Doorbell. Whenever someone is trying to steal your stuff, or slip on your sidewalk, you have the Nest Doorbell to record it all. It is on sale right now for just $199.00, down from $229.99. Get your Gif recorder today!

 

Sponsored Dreams

Dreams.

I’ve got a lot of dreams in my life. Becoming a YouTube star. Becoming a professional video gamer. Winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes $5000 a week for life winner. Getting the most comfortable couch ever and laying in it for extended periods of time. Getting a pizza oven in my house. Learning how to make pizza simply, easily and effectively from the couch.

As we all know, not all dreams are attainable. We have to deal with all the punches life gives us. Some of us just tackle life head on, while others of just do everything we can to procrastinate, side step, duck under and jump over the obstacles that confront us. I’m not telling you which one I am, but you are allowed to guess.

When I was a high school student, I had two ambitions in life. One, to work for Nintendo making video games. I never ended up working for them, but I did apply for a few jobs there. I guess Nintendo wasn’t interested in making my dreams come true. Second, I wanted to become a dream interpreter, because dreams have always fascinated me.

Also dreams.

They fascinated me to the point where I’ve even though that maybe dreams are the reality and what we think of everyday life is the dream. When I looked into dream interpretation, it was either a psychologist or one of those 1-900 numbers you would call to get a free reading. So I never applied for those positions.

The other career I pursued was being an advertising copywriter. As you know, I love to write fiction (basically about my made up life) on this blog. So I had this meta dream about all these things coming together.

Sponsored dreaming.

I’m sure the reason why it hasn’t happened is because of some legal mumbo jumbo, but I’m sure some ad executive has dreamed about it.

Advertising is everywhere. It exists because companies have money they need to spend on promoting their product. And entertainment, exists because of the dollars from advertising. As much as people hate it, most things and jobs wouldn’t exist if people didn’t have a way to promote it.

The advertising problem has always been how do we spend our money the most efficiently? Everytime there is a new medium, advertising attaches to it. When certain types of people stopped listening to radio, and moved to podcasts, they started advertising on there. When kids started skipping commercials on podcasts, they had to move to Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and other avenues.

This dream sponsored by donuts.

So why not dreams? It is probably most people’s favorite medium right? If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t go to sleep every night. You’ve got a dream? I’m sure Chevy, Target, or Nike has a way that they could integrate their product pretty seemelessly into whatever it is that you are dreaming.

I’m just kidding. Sponsored dreaming would be such a sellout. Don’t you agree my friend, sponsored ad Nike Air shoes?

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Sponsored Dreamer Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Speaking of selling out, here is a great deal for those kids or grandkids in your life who like games. If you don’t buy it here, it will appear in your dreams. So I suggest here.

 

New toy joy: Fortnite, LEGO Movie 2 + new dolls & games. Valid 2/17-2/23.

BitterTines Day Friday Giftures

 

I was talking to my wife the other day and I was comparing the days of the week to the months of the year. For the most part it makes sense. January is definitely like Monday. Everyone is hung over from the holidays and the bitterness of family and home and people trying to be cheerful during the weekend that was November and December. Everyone has lofty goals for Monday/January, but really it is just one of those blah days/months that no one really looks forward to and no one gets any work done.

Then there is the least likable day of the week/month of the year, Tuesday/February. No one got anything done in January/Monday, so now Feb/Tuesday has forced their hand. And when other people start getting desperate to do things to feel productive that always causes everyone else to do things.

February is so short and yet packed with things going on. It starts with a bang on Groundhog’s day, where a tiny rodent determines when spring starts. There is President’s Day, and the most insane holiday, Valentine’s Day, which no one really even knows why we do it, or why it is smack dab in the middle of the busiest insanest month of February. Speaking of insane, let’s get to our Bitter Friday Giftures.

Sometimes…

…sand can be so hard.

Other times…

…water is really hard.

Again…

…sand is really hard.

Sometimes…

…people just need to try to stand out a little.

Actually…

…wheelbarrows are pretty hard.

Luckily…

…everyone is okay…except the sign…oh and the pedestrian.

Amazon driver’s…

…don’t get paid near enough.

Who knew…

…that steel was so good at cursive?

Would someone…

…like some milk?

Some people…

…are just butt heads.

If this is our future…

…I’m on board.

One of the best reasons…

…why Virtual Reality is the best.

I wish you all a bitter weekend, especially if you have President’s day off and have to deal with kids and grandkids that will be in your house and just want them to go away.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

BitterTines Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Asti Adirondack 5pc Fire Patio Chat Set. Nothing inspires you to go outside quite like a cold February day right after Valentine’s Day. Maybe it is the frostiness, or blowing snow, but maybe this outdoor set will inspire you global warm your place so you can get outside and be lazy. The set of 5 pieces is only $521.99 or 10% off the original price of $579.99. Get your set right now!

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