47 Reasons to Be Bitter

 

Every year since I was 40, and started this blog, I’ve been celebrating my birthday by giving you all reasons to be bitter. As a lifelong bitteratarian, I’ve always had many reasons, but 2020 has given us a plethora of new reasons. We all know that Corona and earthquakes and floods have obviously inundated us, but to those are of no interest to me. To me, it’s the little things that make us bitter that make all the difference. So without bitter adieu, here is let’s talk about 47 (one for each year of my bitterness) reasons to be bitter.

1 – Chairs – Doesn’t help with standing, not near as comfortable as laying down. chair fail GIF

2 – Windows – They are great for seeing through, not so great and not breaking when you hit a golf ball through them.

3 – Chalk – Pretty good for writing things on sidewalks or chalkboards, not so good for writing a book.

4 – Headphones – When one side stops working.

5 – Recycle sites – We tried to dump our cardboard boxes in our spring clean up, but they wouldn’t let us because we didn’t have a city ID.

6 – School ID’s – What use do they have except for taking tests or paying tuition?

7 – Shoelaces – Either they keep your feet all tied up or you are tripping over them. Never do what you want them to do.

8 – Water – Basically we are like 90% water, so that means they are probably responsible for the virus. All it’s ever done for me is keep me alive and allowed to me take a shower. So useless.

9 – The Sun – So maybe it gives us light and heat and allowed our planet to survive, but ever had a sunburn? Sheesh!

10 – Picture frames – Who wants to see old pictures of you or your kids besides you? And if I wanted to know what I looked like, I would look in the mirror.

11 – Mirror – Bad luck when you break them, and only give you a reflected view of what you look like.

cat mirror GIF

12 – Extroverts – Driving all of us introverts crazy, while we are thriving indoors.

13 – Wi-fi – Only works when you need to work, never works when you want to game.

14 – Files – You file thousands of papers, just in case. The one thing you actually needed, you shredded a long time ago.

15 – Volume – It’s always either too loud, too quiet, or you have way too much in your hair.

16 – Socks – Sometimes they get wet.

17 – Paper – The only good thing about paper is that they keep the population of trees down.

18 – Glue – Always so clingy.

Black And White Flirting GIF

19  – Curtains – Every morning you have to open them up. Every night you have to close them. Can they just do their job and open up themselves?

20 – Space – So much of it out in the universe, not so much in our neighborhood.

21 – Signs – We have a speeding sign in our neighborhood…at the end of a cul-de-sac.

22 – Clothes – They seem so overrated. Can’t we just wear some sackcloth to cover up?

23 – Facebook – Why do we need a book on our face?

24 – ZoomBombing – I’m just bitter I don’t know how to do it.

25 – Photobombing – I just wish I could do it to more people’s pictures. If only weddings were going on right now, I would try to do more weddingbombing.

26 – Work – Shouldn’t we just cancel it and tell everyone that we can just share all the money?

27 – Primary colors – Red, yellow and blue. They just think every other color revolves around them.

space earth GIF

 

28 – Puzzles – Why take a perfectly good picture, just to cut it up and turn it into a thousand different pieces? Then the picture is never the same.

29 – Email – Just heard that Nick Saban, coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, just barely signed up for his first email account. Sheesh. Even my mom has an email address.

30 – Spam – Most of my email, also the only people that eat it live in Hawaii.

31 – Wings – Why would I work so hard to get a little bit of meat?

32 – Shrimp – The reason why they call it that, is because you work so hard to get that amount of meat.

33 – Karens – Seriously, Karen stop stocking up on all the toilet paper! It won’t save you when you don’t vaccinate your children!

34 – Homework – Why am I still doing this! I’m 47!

35 – Personal Space – I was asking people to stay at least 60 feet away from me before it was cool.

36 – Tailgating – Again, stay 6 car lengths from me at all times, before it was cool.

37 – Paper Edging – When you don’t get a clean rip. Ugggh.

38 – Soggy Carpet – Juice or soda. Can you ever get it out?

39 – Clothing – When you can’t it get it off your hanger, and break yet another hanger.

40 – Phone battery – Why is it always at 15%?phone energy GIF by darkbean

 

41 – Computers – Why does it only work when you are working on homework?

42 – Multi-tasking – Yeah, I’m good at it, but I prefer to Unitasking.

43 – Vacuum – Why aren’t they scaring more kids away from me?

44 – 44 is cool actually. It was my number in basketball and my favorite baseball player. Actually, he was injury prone. And I never made the NBA. Maybe it isn’t such a cool number.

45 – The letter Q – Freaking q. So psycho dependent on the letter U. Maybe U would like to see other letters.

tech technology GIF by Third Rail with OZY

 

46 – Websites – Shouldn’t it be websights? No one goes on vacation to see the sites.

47 – The number 47 – Seriously, is there any dumber number? Now for an entire year, I’m going to have to tell people I’m that many years old.

Until next year, when I’m finally 48 years old and have yet another 48 reasons to be bitter. Hopefully, next year we can be angry about things like not getting a $100,000 bonus instead of some stupid virus and social distancing.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter 47 Years Old Ben

Home Schooling Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Most of you probably figured out on my Wednesday post that the going on a game show was a stupid April Fool’s Day joke. I blame the stupid virus thing for ruining not only the lives of millions of people around the world, the loss of millions of jobs, and wrecking economies, but also ruining my favorite holiday of the year, April Fool’s Day. Most of the normal businesses didn’t attempt to do any jokes, including one of the best, Google. Tip of the hat to you, Corona for ruining everything.

On to another sore subject. The homeschooling. We have been doing it since March and it is starting to take a toll. First of all, to all the teachers dealing with these kids, I’m so sorry. They are kind of the worst. Second, to parents the parents that are still working out of the home and still trying to manage kids, sorry as well.  And third, those with more than two kids, I can’t even. I’m just…. Anyways, I guess some teachers like my son’s 6th-grade teacher just likes punishing us with so much work, it isn’t even funny. We spend like 6-8 hours helping him, and he’s in 6th grade. Goodness, gracious. Do you know that his grades don’t even count on his permanent record? Just give him a half-hour of work and let’s just call it good. I could rant on this for hours, but who cares about that? Let’s just…Bitter Friday Gifture…

Every day after… 

tired jet lag GIF
…after completing his work.

Only to realize…

 

busy work work work GIF
…there is more, more, more!

Me at 5 pm…

swamp people work GIF
…realizing I still have work to do for my business.

I love working…

Animated GIF
…from one room to the next.

I used to come home to escape…

wandering kyle broflovski GIF by South Park
…now outside might be my escape.

I need some direction…

confused real life GIF
…could you tell me what day it is?

Am I in my house…

where am i hello GIF by Dream Corp LLC
…or are you tiny humans in my home?

Maybe it’s time…

Tyler Blackburn What GIF by Shark Week
…to abandon ship.

There are no kids…

Chasing Legendary Dudas GIF by Nickelodeon
…following us out there right?

If we hide…

illusion hiding GIF
…maybe the internet can’t find us.

And the teachers…

Work Office GIF
…can’t make us do any more work.

No more…

read beauty and the beast GIF
…reading…

No more…

parks and recreation math GIF
…math.

Next week is Spring Break…

Working The Office GIF
…so we are going to ignore our kids and work on our own jobs!

It’s going to be a long, hard rest of the school year. Whoever invented 2020 was kind of rude and I think they need to stop April fooling us!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Home Schooling Ben

Isolating Before It Was Cool Bitter Friday Giftures

 

As you may not be aware of, there is this outbreak of disease going on, which means that we have to stay home as much as we can for a while. I’m not sure how all these extroverts are going to handle this, but us introverts are doing just fine. If it wasn’t for the other tinier humans in our house driving us crazy and making us do their homework, this would be an ideal situation. I’ve done isolation really well for most of my life and have been called shy, introvert, weirdo, or go-outside-and-mingle-with-someone my whole life. Now all of you naysayers telling me that I was supposed to get out and meet people were wrong. So I don’t want to tell you, “I told you so”, but I absolutely told you so. And I will continue to rub that in your face. Oh wait, I’m not supposed to touch my face or anyone else’s. So I will facetime or Skype it in your faces then. Regardless, the Bitter Friday Giftures will continue in earnest…

Looks like Tom Hanks had it right in the movie…

Fish Years GIF
…not so much in real life.

I am writing songs like this…

away GIF
…all day with my free time. What are you doing?

Turns out Dwight Shrute was right…

Toilet Paper Office GIF by Leroy Patterson
…to turn 2 ply into one ply after all.

We may not have enough toilet paper for a fort…

Donald Glover Troy Barnes GIF
…but we sure have enough pillows.

I saw a couple people outside…

the walking dead zombie GIF
…yesterday.

I went outside…

Lonely The Simpsons GIF
…and did some fun activities with all my friends.

I made sure to…

jennifer lawrence running behind the lady GIF
…100 feet from everyone like I always do.

Made sure to remain…

unproductive GIF by Product Hunt
…as productive as usual.

Made sure to be a good listener…

kim ye-rim whatever GIF
…as usual.

I made sure to stay…

not my job GIF
…nice and motivated.

Made sure to let everyone know…

not my job GIF
…how hard I would be working.

Made sure I got permission…

Ron Swanson GIF
…before I did anything. 

Made sure to help everyone…

parks and rec GIF
…with whatever they needed.

I know it seems like I’m a bit of an overachiever, but this is where I thrive. I think Dwight was right when he said that we needed more plagues, so we could get more productive like I clearly am. Make sure you wash your hands because you have to get all that productivity off your hands and make sure you stay at least 100 feet away from everyone, including your family because they might ask you do something for them. Why didn’t we all just listen to me in the beginning?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Isolation Before It was Cool Ben

Earth Shattering Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My time has finally come. I’ve been trying to spread the bitterness for over 8 years now, and I think it is finally starting to sink in for people. Just like everyone else in the world, there is that pandemic thing going on here, but just to make sure we had more to be bitter about, the earth decided to show its mighty displeasure in our state, not far away in Salt Lake County this week, we had an earthquake. It looks like even the earth is getting a little rattled by this virus thingy. Life seems to be coming to a standstill. Except….for Bitter Friday Giftures. It’s going to take more than a worldwide epidemic and a tiny 5.7 magnitude earthquake to stop the Giftures from happening. TO THE GIFFFFSSSSSS!!!

We will fight for the right to post Friday Giftures…

gerard butler love GIF
…until our last breath.

It’s time to…

shaking star trek GIF
…shake…

…rattle…

crazy batman GIF

…and…

X Company Jump GIF by Ovation TV
…roll.

And fight back against…

fight you chuck norris GIF by GritTV
…viruses…

And against…

Self Defense Fighting GIF
…earthquakes…

And punching…

fight fighting GIF
…the stock market in the face.

Resuscitating…

border collie GIF
…restaurants.

Slice and dice…

martial arts fighting GIF
…toilet paper shortages…

Kicking…

kicking martial arts GIF
…hoarders of hand sanitizer in the face.

Block others…

Wonder Woman Reaction GIF
…from getting too close…

And giving high fives…

Ftw Win GIF
…a high five to the face.

I guess the universe is doing its best to try to and stop the giftures from happening. It needs to do better I guess. Challenge accepted.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Shaking In My Boots Ben

 

So Dramatic Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife and I talk about the debate between nature vs. nurture a lot. Probably because we have one child that is biological and one who is adopted. Why do some personality things seem to pass down because of what our kids are around and what comes from their parent’s direct DNA? Our kids are literally black and white and figuratively night and day. They are so polar opposite that it’s almost comical.

Child #1                                                                     Child #2

Girl                                                                                Boy

White                                                                           Brown

Introvert                                                                     Extravert

Quiet                                                                              Loud

Conservative/saver of money                        Wants everything always immediately

Loves drama/performing/drawing/creative    Loves basketball/sports/war/guns

 

I say all this because when I was in high school, I was in sports and was athletic and had no interest in drama, and couldn’t memorize something to save my life and couldn’t draw a stick figure without tracing it.

My daughter just performed in a play. Even though she is pretty shy and introverted and not very dramatic at home, she somehow loves drama in school, memorizes lines likety-split and can draw like the wind (don’t you see wind drawing all the time?).

Where does she get that from? Neither her mom or I have any talent in drama or drawing. The only drama our son has is in his drama king ways around the house and with all his friends. Enough about me, my son and my daughter. Let’s just get to the Bitter Friday Giftures in dramatic fashion, shall we?

I don’t mean to be dramatic…

I Love You Candy GIF by TWIX
…but I love you too Cookies and Cream Twix.

Geeze…

Awkward Season 24 GIF by The Bachelor
…no need to overreact.

What the heck…

Nbc Flirt GIF by America's Got Talent
…did your hair ever do to you?

In the words of Taylor Swift…

Intentions GIF by Justin Bieber
…you’re being too loud, you need to calm down.

Wow, Laura…

Laura Dern Oscars GIF by The Academy Awards
…you might just be the first that’s ever loved all her friends.

 

Oh, Oprah…

Oprah Winfrey Drama GIF
…do you even know what Twitter is, except for what your Social Media Manager posts for you?

Just because your dad paid your way through ninth grade…

the hills drama GIF
…doesn’t mean you need to get all huffy, Lauren.

I need a few more moments to deal…

santana lopez crying GIF
…with you, drama queen.

Sorry, you didn’t…

Basketball Wives Crying GIF by VH1
…get your fourth Ferrari for your birthday, Karen.

l know you’ve been too busy pretending to be a lawyer…

love and hip hop crying GIF by VH1
…to play in your pool, Kim.

Sorry, your Instagram cameraperson…

 

viola davis emmys 2015 GIF
…is late for your fake crying session, Beyonce.

Sorry, you didn’t get an Oscar…

rihanna hunt GIF

…for your fake cry, Rihanna.

Well, that’s enough drama for me for one year.  I think I will just go hide out in my basement until the COVID-19 infects all the awful celebrities and politicians and I can come out with some cleaner air after their pollution finally goes away. Have a sunnier day!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Drama Free Ben

Stock Market Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve pretty much determined that every little piece of good news I get comes with 3 pieces of bad news. Or you can look at it like 1 step forward and 3 steps back. So yeah, there is progress, but it is like climbing in mud, so it’s slow. I’m sure that is how my 401K is too. A slow steady climb followed by major dives. I’ve heard a little bit about this little tiny virus that seems to affect everything else in a major way. It’s canceling events, it’s slowing down travel. In fact, the only thing it is helping is laziness, which I already have in spades.

It’s pretty easy to slow down your travel when you haven’t gone anywhere in 5 years. It’s pretty easy to stay indoors more when you already prefer the Great Indoors. It’s pretty easy to avoid other people when that is your main goal in life. In honor of the steep decline in the quality of life, let’s do our low-quality Bitter Friday Giftures…

Anybody else wave to people in the neighborhood…

rejected red oaks GIF
…only to get the blank stare in return?

Sometimes all you want to do is deliver a gift basket…

basketball uvm GIF by University of Vermont
…only to be told you have to get out of there.

Sometimes all you want to do is buy somebody a free dinner…

denied GIF
…but they throw your gift of kindness out the window.

Sometimes you just want to share your whip cream…

oc GIF
…and they give it back to you.

Sometimes you just want to give people a hand…

denied GIF
…and they just won’t accept it.

Sometimes all you want to do is share your germs…

sick jim carrey GIF
…and people just leave the room.

You give the phone company money one time…

Hustling Pay Day GIF
…and then suddenly they want money every single month.

You feed kids food one time…

sesame street eating GIF by PBS KIDS
…and then they start expecting it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

You share your bad breath with one person…

burp GIF
…all of a sudden no one wants to be around you.

Share your opinion with one person…

real housewives of orange county discussion GIF
…all of a sudden people just want to talk to someone else.

You share some bad dance moves…

mikey day dancing GIF by Saturday Night Live
…and all of a sudden the dance floor clears.

When you offer to be in their personal space…

i need space GIF by Abel M'Vada
…and they were talking more about outer space.

I think the takeaway here is that sharing isn’t caring. You offer to share all kinds of things and people just don’t want it. Sounds like I’m not sharing anymore.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Stock Market Ben

Naptime Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Do you know what your eye color is? I certainly don’t what MY eye color is. There may not be a description for it, because it isn’t green and it isn’t brown, but some weird combination of the two. Some people would call it hazel, but I just call it like a puke color. I guess it doesn’t really matter because whatever color it is, it needs some rest. Not the stupid kind I get at night, but the more fun kind called naps.

Day sleeping is so much better than night sleeping. I don’t know if it is because day sleep is more rewarding because it is a rebellion against people who say you aren’t supposed to nap, or because it is more satisfying because life during the day can be boring. Either way, the nighttime seems like the time to get things done, like video games, watching TV and thinking about productive things instead of doing them.

It is the potential of getting things done that gets me jazzed. The actual boring work of doing things seems counterproductive. Let’s just move on to the freaking Bitter Friday Giftures, shall we?

If not sure why this person is pointing at Jimmy Fallon…

Democratic Debate Msnbc GIF
…but he must have forgot to empty the dishwasher.

I’m not sure why this guy…

Celebrate Dele Alli GIF by SportsManias
…is trying to play peek-a-boo..

I don’t know what this lady is so happy about…

Happy Rihanna GIF
…is she at a Rihanna concert of something?

You sleep the best…

sleep love GIF
…with those you love the most.

The best place to sleep…

Episode 2 Sleep GIF by Friends
…is during a meeting.

See why sleeping at night is so much worse…

Season 5 Nightmare GIF by Friends
…than sleeping during the day?

If cats get to sleep during they day, we should get to too…

Valentines Day Love GIF by GIPHY Studios Originals
…cause we work harder than them.

This is another reason…

night happens GIF
…why naps are so much better that night sleeping.

We definitely shouldn’t be trying to sleep…

…when there is so much overthinking to be done.

Nighttime is a time to think…

go to sleep sleeping GIF
…daytime is the time to shut down.

Why not combine two pleasant things together…

moving pictures sleeping GIF by Tech Noir
…sunburns and sleeping.

Just look at this moving picture…

satisfying moving pictures GIF
…and you will be able to fall asleep in no time.

If this blog post hasn’t helped you get sleep at work, then I don’t know what will. Maybe you should try some sleeping pills or something.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Naptime Ben

%d bloggers like this: