Isolating Before It Was Cool Bitter Friday Giftures

 

As you may not be aware of, there is this outbreak of disease going on, which means that we have to stay home as much as we can for a while. I’m not sure how all these extroverts are going to handle this, but us introverts are doing just fine. If it wasn’t for the other tinier humans in our house driving us crazy and making us do their homework, this would be an ideal situation. I’ve done isolation really well for most of my life and have been called shy, introvert, weirdo, or go-outside-and-mingle-with-someone my whole life. Now all of you naysayers telling me that I was supposed to get out and meet people were wrong. So I don’t want to tell you, “I told you so”, but I absolutely told you so. And I will continue to rub that in your face. Oh wait, I’m not supposed to touch my face or anyone else’s. So I will facetime or Skype it in your faces then. Regardless, the Bitter Friday Giftures will continue in earnest…

Looks like Tom Hanks had it right in the movie…

Fish Years GIF
…not so much in real life.

I am writing songs like this…

away GIF
…all day with my free time. What are you doing?

Turns out Dwight Shrute was right…

Toilet Paper Office GIF by Leroy Patterson
…to turn 2 ply into one ply after all.

We may not have enough toilet paper for a fort…

Donald Glover Troy Barnes GIF
…but we sure have enough pillows.

I saw a couple people outside…

the walking dead zombie GIF
…yesterday.

I went outside…

Lonely The Simpsons GIF
…and did some fun activities with all my friends.

I made sure to…

jennifer lawrence running behind the lady GIF
…100 feet from everyone like I always do.

Made sure to remain…

unproductive GIF by Product Hunt
…as productive as usual.

Made sure to be a good listener…

kim ye-rim whatever GIF
…as usual.

I made sure to stay…

not my job GIF
…nice and motivated.

Made sure to let everyone know…

not my job GIF
…how hard I would be working.

Made sure I got permission…

Ron Swanson GIF
…before I did anything. 

Made sure to help everyone…

parks and rec GIF
…with whatever they needed.

I know it seems like I’m a bit of an overachiever, but this is where I thrive. I think Dwight was right when he said that we needed more plagues, so we could get more productive like I clearly am. Make sure you wash your hands because you have to get all that productivity off your hands and make sure you stay at least 100 feet away from everyone, including your family because they might ask you do something for them. Why didn’t we all just listen to me in the beginning?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Isolation Before It was Cool Ben

Earth Shattering Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My time has finally come. I’ve been trying to spread the bitterness for over 8 years now, and I think it is finally starting to sink in for people. Just like everyone else in the world, there is that pandemic thing going on here, but just to make sure we had more to be bitter about, the earth decided to show its mighty displeasure in our state, not far away in Salt Lake County this week, we had an earthquake. It looks like even the earth is getting a little rattled by this virus thingy. Life seems to be coming to a standstill. Except….for Bitter Friday Giftures. It’s going to take more than a worldwide epidemic and a tiny 5.7 magnitude earthquake to stop the Giftures from happening. TO THE GIFFFFSSSSSS!!!

We will fight for the right to post Friday Giftures…

gerard butler love GIF
…until our last breath.

It’s time to…

shaking star trek GIF
…shake…

…rattle…

crazy batman GIF

…and…

X Company Jump GIF by Ovation TV
…roll.

And fight back against…

fight you chuck norris GIF by GritTV
…viruses…

And against…

Self Defense Fighting GIF
…earthquakes…

And punching…

fight fighting GIF
…the stock market in the face.

Resuscitating…

border collie GIF
…restaurants.

Slice and dice…

martial arts fighting GIF
…toilet paper shortages…

Kicking…

kicking martial arts GIF
…hoarders of hand sanitizer in the face.

Block others…

Wonder Woman Reaction GIF
…from getting too close…

And giving high fives…

Ftw Win GIF
…a high five to the face.

I guess the universe is doing its best to try to and stop the giftures from happening. It needs to do better I guess. Challenge accepted.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Shaking In My Boots Ben

 

So Dramatic Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife and I talk about the debate between nature vs. nurture a lot. Probably because we have one child that is biological and one who is adopted. Why do some personality things seem to pass down because of what our kids are around and what comes from their parent’s direct DNA? Our kids are literally black and white and figuratively night and day. They are so polar opposite that it’s almost comical.

Child #1                                                                     Child #2

Girl                                                                                Boy

White                                                                           Brown

Introvert                                                                     Extravert

Quiet                                                                              Loud

Conservative/saver of money                        Wants everything always immediately

Loves drama/performing/drawing/creative    Loves basketball/sports/war/guns

 

I say all this because when I was in high school, I was in sports and was athletic and had no interest in drama, and couldn’t memorize something to save my life and couldn’t draw a stick figure without tracing it.

My daughter just performed in a play. Even though she is pretty shy and introverted and not very dramatic at home, she somehow loves drama in school, memorizes lines likety-split and can draw like the wind (don’t you see wind drawing all the time?).

Where does she get that from? Neither her mom or I have any talent in drama or drawing. The only drama our son has is in his drama king ways around the house and with all his friends. Enough about me, my son and my daughter. Let’s just get to the Bitter Friday Giftures in dramatic fashion, shall we?

I don’t mean to be dramatic…

I Love You Candy GIF by TWIX
…but I love you too Cookies and Cream Twix.

Geeze…

Awkward Season 24 GIF by The Bachelor
…no need to overreact.

What the heck…

Nbc Flirt GIF by America's Got Talent
…did your hair ever do to you?

In the words of Taylor Swift…

Intentions GIF by Justin Bieber
…you’re being too loud, you need to calm down.

Wow, Laura…

Laura Dern Oscars GIF by The Academy Awards
…you might just be the first that’s ever loved all her friends.

 

Oh, Oprah…

Oprah Winfrey Drama GIF
…do you even know what Twitter is, except for what your Social Media Manager posts for you?

Just because your dad paid your way through ninth grade…

the hills drama GIF
…doesn’t mean you need to get all huffy, Lauren.

I need a few more moments to deal…

santana lopez crying GIF
…with you, drama queen.

Sorry, you didn’t…

Basketball Wives Crying GIF by VH1
…get your fourth Ferrari for your birthday, Karen.

l know you’ve been too busy pretending to be a lawyer…

love and hip hop crying GIF by VH1
…to play in your pool, Kim.

Sorry, your Instagram cameraperson…

 

viola davis emmys 2015 GIF
…is late for your fake crying session, Beyonce.

Sorry, you didn’t get an Oscar…

rihanna hunt GIF

…for your fake cry, Rihanna.

Well, that’s enough drama for me for one year.  I think I will just go hide out in my basement until the COVID-19 infects all the awful celebrities and politicians and I can come out with some cleaner air after their pollution finally goes away. Have a sunnier day!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Drama Free Ben

Stock Market Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve pretty much determined that every little piece of good news I get comes with 3 pieces of bad news. Or you can look at it like 1 step forward and 3 steps back. So yeah, there is progress, but it is like climbing in mud, so it’s slow. I’m sure that is how my 401K is too. A slow steady climb followed by major dives. I’ve heard a little bit about this little tiny virus that seems to affect everything else in a major way. It’s canceling events, it’s slowing down travel. In fact, the only thing it is helping is laziness, which I already have in spades.

It’s pretty easy to slow down your travel when you haven’t gone anywhere in 5 years. It’s pretty easy to stay indoors more when you already prefer the Great Indoors. It’s pretty easy to avoid other people when that is your main goal in life. In honor of the steep decline in the quality of life, let’s do our low-quality Bitter Friday Giftures…

Anybody else wave to people in the neighborhood…

rejected red oaks GIF
…only to get the blank stare in return?

Sometimes all you want to do is deliver a gift basket…

basketball uvm GIF by University of Vermont
…only to be told you have to get out of there.

Sometimes all you want to do is buy somebody a free dinner…

denied GIF
…but they throw your gift of kindness out the window.

Sometimes you just want to share your whip cream…

oc GIF
…and they give it back to you.

Sometimes you just want to give people a hand…

denied GIF
…and they just won’t accept it.

Sometimes all you want to do is share your germs…

sick jim carrey GIF
…and people just leave the room.

You give the phone company money one time…

Hustling Pay Day GIF
…and then suddenly they want money every single month.

You feed kids food one time…

sesame street eating GIF by PBS KIDS
…and then they start expecting it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

You share your bad breath with one person…

burp GIF
…all of a sudden no one wants to be around you.

Share your opinion with one person…

real housewives of orange county discussion GIF
…all of a sudden people just want to talk to someone else.

You share some bad dance moves…

mikey day dancing GIF by Saturday Night Live
…and all of a sudden the dance floor clears.

When you offer to be in their personal space…

i need space GIF by Abel M'Vada
…and they were talking more about outer space.

I think the takeaway here is that sharing isn’t caring. You offer to share all kinds of things and people just don’t want it. Sounds like I’m not sharing anymore.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Stock Market Ben

Naptime Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Do you know what your eye color is? I certainly don’t what MY eye color is. There may not be a description for it, because it isn’t green and it isn’t brown, but some weird combination of the two. Some people would call it hazel, but I just call it like a puke color. I guess it doesn’t really matter because whatever color it is, it needs some rest. Not the stupid kind I get at night, but the more fun kind called naps.

Day sleeping is so much better than night sleeping. I don’t know if it is because day sleep is more rewarding because it is a rebellion against people who say you aren’t supposed to nap, or because it is more satisfying because life during the day can be boring. Either way, the nighttime seems like the time to get things done, like video games, watching TV and thinking about productive things instead of doing them.

It is the potential of getting things done that gets me jazzed. The actual boring work of doing things seems counterproductive. Let’s just move on to the freaking Bitter Friday Giftures, shall we?

If not sure why this person is pointing at Jimmy Fallon…

Democratic Debate Msnbc GIF
…but he must have forgot to empty the dishwasher.

I’m not sure why this guy…

Celebrate Dele Alli GIF by SportsManias
…is trying to play peek-a-boo..

I don’t know what this lady is so happy about…

Happy Rihanna GIF
…is she at a Rihanna concert of something?

You sleep the best…

sleep love GIF
…with those you love the most.

The best place to sleep…

Episode 2 Sleep GIF by Friends
…is during a meeting.

See why sleeping at night is so much worse…

Season 5 Nightmare GIF by Friends
…than sleeping during the day?

If cats get to sleep during they day, we should get to too…

Valentines Day Love GIF by GIPHY Studios Originals
…cause we work harder than them.

This is another reason…

night happens GIF
…why naps are so much better that night sleeping.

We definitely shouldn’t be trying to sleep…

…when there is so much overthinking to be done.

Nighttime is a time to think…

go to sleep sleeping GIF
…daytime is the time to shut down.

Why not combine two pleasant things together…

moving pictures sleeping GIF by Tech Noir
…sunburns and sleeping.

Just look at this moving picture…

satisfying moving pictures GIF
…and you will be able to fall asleep in no time.

If this blog post hasn’t helped you get sleep at work, then I don’t know what will. Maybe you should try some sleeping pills or something.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Naptime Ben

Ignoravirus Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There has been a lot of talk about viruses this year.  It started small with just a word or two, but little by little it has grown. I guess that is how all viruses spread. Now people are wearing masks, covering their eyes and mouths, and starting to panic.

Yes, the election is this year and politics are starting to invade us like a virus and it seems no matter what we do, we can seem to avoid it. The best we can do is try not to get infected by it and hope that by ignoring it, it will all just go away. I know that some people don’t think there is a cure, but I found one that really works. Back in 2016, when the widespread Clinton-Trump virus was taking over the nation, I had this amazing cure for it. It was called a no cable, subscription to Netflix, binge watch The Office over and over.

I had almost no idea what was going on in the world and it was great. The world wasn’t politics, murder, and war, but Jim, Pam, Dwight, and Micheal. The worries weren’t who was going to be elected, but would Jim and Pam get together? Would Dwight be gone from Dunder Mifflin forever? Would Toby just stop annoying Michael? I still worry about those things today, but now the newsvirus has infiltrated my life and I need to quit it. Speaking of things you can’t quit, here are Bitter Friday Giftures…

This virus reminds me of the advertisements…

Hacked Computer Virus GIF
…of all the ads during the elections.

Sometimes…

buy antivirus GIF
…your anti-virus doesn’t always work so well.

Like for instance, all the actor’s speeches…

charlize theron GIF
…at the Oscar’s.

Or when you can’t get them…

Joaquin Phoenix Stop GIF by The Academy Awards
…to stop speaking about protecting the cows.

Maybe this is the only way to protect ourselves…

protection GIF
…from viruses.

Or maybe this…

Bird Box Horror GIF by NETFLIX
…is the only way.

Believe me…

Leah Remini Hug GIF by TV Land
…I love my TV more than life and most people…

But when people like this…

Democratic Debate GIF by MSNBC

 

And people like this…

republican debate trump GIF

It makes me want to do things…

protection GIF
…like this.

And stuff…

Climate Change Hide GIF by Barbara Pozzi
…like this.

But mostly…

the office GIF
…this.

And by this, I mean not being part of society, but mostly, I just want to watch an Office marathon, because reality with its politics, viruses and terrible political Hollywood that wants to punch everything down your face, I just want to be at Dunder Mifflin, helping Jim prank Dwight. Is that too much to ask?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Leavemealonavirus Ben

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K Bitter Friday Giftures

 

If you know exactly what I am referring to in the title there, then you are either a little older and a product of the 80’s or you study the 80’s. All I know is that movie was one of the great time travel movies of all time and also a launchpad for one of the all-time acting icons of this generation.  Keanu Reeves may not be making Oscar-worthy films (though you could argue that The Matrix should have been), but he is almost universally loved not only for his acting and characters but for being one of the few Hollywood actors who is actually a decent human being.

Back to the “strange things” part of the post. This year has already been a bizarre one for me, but after the suck fest that was 2019 (perhaps I’ll save that story for another post), things have to a least be a little better this year, or I would be in a sewer scaring kids or something. I’ve lost a little weight (which I haven’t tried to do since maybe I was 19), I’ve launched my own business, (which I never thought I would do), and I’ve tried to keep a resolution (and I’ve actually kept since Jan. 1).  Strange things have definitely been afoot at the Circle K (and the bitter blog). So on the note, let’s launch into the Bitter Giftures of the Week.

Okay, so most kids in my eyes…

…um well have horns.

 

 

Alright, so it is Friday…

Happy Friday GIF
…but do we have to do it on the toilet?

One of the all-time best…

awkward dumb and dumber GIF
…yet somehow he was able to get a gig as a limo driver.

I’ve been told that many times…

Weirdo Burn GIF
…but everyone is weird in their own way.

Strange things are definitely…

phone foot GIF by AFV Babies
…afoot with this kid.

Sometimes you just lean and lose your balance…

…and then somehow gain it back at the last second.

Some people are just really good…

…at hide and seek.

Others are really good…

…at optical illusions.

While still others…

…just have really good aim.

Some people…

…have really explosive personalities.

When the situation gets hard…

…some people just crumble to pieces. 

But at the end of the day…

…people just get tired.

Yes, strange things are definitely afoot at the Circle K. But more importantly, things are definitely strange around here. However dudes, while it seems strange around here this week, it’s going to be Valentine’s Day and that will be not so much strange, but more fearful. If we don’t step it up in a very strong way, things could be really icy for 6 weeks. Kind of like the Groundhog didn’t predict.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Strange Things Ben

Taking Out the Garbage Bitter Friday Giftures

 

At the time of typing this blog, I’m bitter, sore and utterly exhausted. I don’t mean to throw my parents under the bus, but they are the reason why. You see, they live almost full-time down in the southern part of Utah, while we live in the northern part, where they have a condo they used to live in. They had a little mice problem, so they had to come up north to take care of the problem. They were nice enough to volunteer us to help them fix the little problem, which we were okay with at first…at first.

We figured they would just ask us to move around some food and clean up a little bit. We did, but then one thing leads to another and all of a sudden, we were full-on doing a complete reorg for a hoarder, errr, my mother. Let’s just say she treats her condo like a storage unit. This week we spent every waking hour organizing things.

Taking out the garbage isn’t fun, but when you do it 400 plus times, it’s even more not fun. Let’s just get to the bitter Friday Giftures?

No offense…

Eruption GIF
…but this is what I wanted to do with all the garbage in their house.

This may or may not…

 philippines eruption taal volcano GIF
…be the position I was in most of the week.

When I suggested my mom throw something away…

volcano GIF
…this is the ledge I was navigating.

This is what happened…

Movie Horror GIF by The Grudge
…when I decided to look under the bed.

Every time we entered a room…

season 3 closet GIF
…we were scared of what we would find.

Possibly some of the dolls…

nightmares forever GIF
…that may have been in some closet.

There are a few books here…

read texas am GIF by Texas A&M University
…but not near as many as there were in just one room in my mom’s house.

I found a lot of new technology…

library archives GIF
…like these storage files called floppy discs.

Can’t wait…

middle school website GIF by Sarah Schmidt
…to try out this new Myspace.com thing on America Online.

I’m pretty sure I heard Lizzo over and over again…

cowboy bebop radio GIF
…not on that old radio thing, but this new ghetto blaster thing.

We even found some…

john hughes vintage GIF
…fresh new threads.

We even managed to find some…

blowing widespread dust GIF
…some dust cats and bunnies.

While the work was back-breakingly overwhelming and mind-numbing, we did manage to find a few treasures, and for that, it was all worth it. Despite the fact that there were millions of items that we could have gotten rid of, we got rid of 13, and that made all the hard work worth it.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Taking out the Garbage Ben

Forcefield Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Sometimes it seems like most of our problems come from the fact that we are fragile. Do you ever stop and think how easy it is for us to get injured or die? I mean, like so easy. All it takes is a half-way decent-sized rock land on us, or we fall more than like 3 or 4 stories from a building, get in a little crash in an accident and we are fish food. It baffles the mind billions of us survive for more than 70 years.  You know?

That’s why I think we should all get forcefields. It’s not like they are that hard to make right? They are just made up of some invisible, lightweight, hard plastic that is invulnerable from most attacks. Also, it wouldn’t be hard to make it last for 70-100 years too.

Wouldn’t it be fun just be able to look down all the time when you are texting, get hit by a car, and not have to worry about those pesky injuries that get in our way? Or to be able to go to one of those ax-throwing stores and not have to worry about your friends accidentally throwing one when you are retrieving yours? A lot of those stupid safety rules wouldn’t have to be written nor read anymore. Sorry about your job security, policeman, firemen and the crossing guards at schools.

So when is Forcefield Corp. coming out with these things? I hope soon. While we are waiting for them, let’s just watch some Bitter Friday Giftures about…the forcefield.

If this…uh…guy gets one…

wall no GIF by Ultraman Original
…why can’t the rest of us?

If Mr. Mime has the ability to make one…

pokemon mr mime GIF
…then ForceField Inc. should be able to make us all one. 

I guess a forcefield to keep emotions out…

star trek geek GIF by Alpha
…would be fine.

A forcefield would have been…

danger zone GIF
…really handy in this situation.

Things like this would be…

living on the edge GIF
…a little easier.

This Price is Right game…

cliff GIF
…wouldn’t be scary anymore. 

 

Doing stuff like this…

fire man GIF
…would be way more common. 

Gym class would…

Animated GIF
…be able to be moved to a different location.

Having a Pinata party…

justin bieber GIF
…would finally be more interesting for something besides the candy.

We could finally duck out…

interview door GIF
…out on interviews gracefully. 

We wouldn’t have to wear masks…

highway brakes GIF
...every time anyone got sick.

Woody wouldn’t have to worry about…

driving toy story GIF by LEGO
…all that damage of hitting that last cone.

Wouldn’t life be so much better with forcefields? Why do all the video game and movie heroes be the only ones to have all the fun. I’m looking at your Forcefield Inc. If you aren’t working on a forcefield for all of us, then what are you are in business for?

Get to work, or we will stop buying stock in your company.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Forcefield Ben

Pioneer Woman Bitterness

Image result for pioneer woman
Her name is Ree. Seriously, how could this person be more famous than me?

As you know, I’m bitter. If you don’t know that, then you haven’t been following my blog for 7 years, or you didn’t notice the title. Most of the time, I like to rant about the little things. Traffic, soap, the way my toes don’t fit into socks; you know, stuff that Jerry Seinfeld could write a whole episode around, maybe even an entire season.  If that is the case, call me Jerry.

For a while now though, I got a big beef with a bigger target. Maybe you know who she is, maybe you don’t, but there is this lady that is making us all look bad. She is a blogger just like the rest of us, but somehow HER blog made her famous, rich and a brand name around the world, or at least at Walmart. And I’m guessing she hasn’t put near as much work into her blog as any of us has. In fact, I bet she hasn’t even written in her own blog for years.

I know her as the Pioneer Woman. I don’t know how famous she is out there in the world, but I’m pretty sure she has at least a TV show on TLC or something. That is only the beginning too. She has a cookbook, a crockpot, and a bunch of other branded stuff at Walmart.

Every time I go to Walmart and I see one of her products, I have a fit. Every time I have an outburst, my wife looks at me like I’m crazy and asks me what I’m ranting about. I’m always saying with the contempt that Jerry has for Newman, “Pioneer Woman! She has another cookbook out!” or “Pioneer Woman has a Crocked Pot now? Seriously, doesn’t she have enough already?”

Then I ask my wife why I don’t have a brand deal with Walmart. I mean, who doesn’t want a Bitter Ben action figure that screams out bitter phrases that you all want to say, but not out loud? Stuff like, “Ughhh, why is there so much traffic?”, “Uggh, why is the remote control so far away?” or “That stupid Pioneer Woman has another product in Walmart? How did she get famous for doing recipes? She’s not even funny!”

toys disbelief GIF by Dark Igloo
The action figure would look just like me and just as bitter.

Or how about a TV show where I do reviews of all the worst movies and tell you what makes me bitter about them on TLC? What does she have that I don’t? Oh yeah, she has a really annoying voice. And a super big kitchen and lots of property.

All I know is she needed to be called out. She doesn’t have the writing ability that we have or a sense of humor. I’m guessing all the recipes she uses are just ones her grandmother passed down to her. Does she even have an original thought or something compelling about her? It’s high time she gives up her fame for the rest of us, so we can shine and she can go back to being a pioneer.

ARRRRRRGGGGHGHHHH

Bitter Pioneer Lady Rage Ben

 

%d bloggers like this: