When it comes to things I like, most of it has to do with electronics. Most things that are electronic are expensive. Therefore, I don’t normally go to a mall like my wife and just buy a few things and marvel at how inexpensive they are. I have to go to places like Best Buy and look at things for many months. Squirrel away a lot of assets. Dream about how life with be better when I get them. Then get them and immediately realize that they are out of date, and dream about getting the next thing. Therefore, I have a graveyard of a thousand different electronics that I toss to the side for the next regularest thing. Kind of like these daily blog posts that I do. I write a thousand that someone will consume and then just toss aside like 1-year-old technology. That being said, enjoy the latest and regularest Bitter Friday Giftures:
Always drive backwards…
Birthdays are great…
The nice thing about Christmas…
The New Year is always the best…
Machines are great…
Swings are fun…
Running is great…
Microphones are really great for amplifying sound…
Ditches are great for draining things…
Ditches are also…
Some people learn to take selfies…
There is an easier way…
And there you have it. Just like all those electronic devices you are always throwing away, you are going to consume this blog of gifs and never revisit them again. Which is fine, because I don’t need to write anything very memorable.
Bitter Electronic Graveyard Ben
The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.
Target Deal of the Day: Speaking of electronics that do things for you, how about that tax season. Don’t do taxes yourself. You will just mess them up. Let Turbo Tax do it for you. It is on sale for $39.99 instead of $49.99, which if you had Turbo Tax, you would know is 20% off. Just go buy it so you don’t mess things up.
As the self-proclaimed foremost expert on bitterness, I have done my best to study the bitterness emotion in all its varieties. It is not a complex emotion, but a very underrated and underused one. People always love the rage, and the happy, and the sad, but rarely do they ever think about the bitter. It kind of stews under the surface, and for some reason people are always thinking of it as negative. It absolutely is and should be more celebrated for that fact. The problem is that people want to hide it deep below the surface and never let people know that they are bitter. I think that we should let our bitterness out and let it take hold of us. But everyone seems to always want to show love toward other people.
I guess there are like 5 love languages out there, words of affirmation, touch, gifts, acts of service (not sure if that means for them, or doing them) and quality time. Let me first start with the ones I’m not.
Touch – I don’t like to hug people or let people hug me. Human contact is okay I guess with people in your family but is almost unbearable with others. I’m okay with wrestling with my son, or making my daughter uncomfortable with a side hug or an awkward back pat, but only when it makes her incredulous that her father is showing affection.
Acts of service – People are the worst. They take all your introverted time by asking you to do things, for free. Why would I ever want to do things for other people, when I’m not getting paid? I’ve done a few things for others, but it always seems like they don’t appreciate it, so I prefer to think of myself, who at least kind of appreciates things that I do…sometimes.
Gifts – I’m sure everyone likes gifts, but they don’t really move the needle that much. I guess if you give me like millions of dollars wrapped into a brand new computer or camera, I might think that was an okay gift. But really, I don’t think buying me flowers or chocolates is going to woo me or make me like you more if I don’t like you already.
Quality Time – Yeah, I love quality time, or regular time, or wasted time…as long as it is with myself. I could spend months on a mountain all by my lonesome….as long as I have wi-fi, a comfy couch and the world’s largest TV (Vistas are a poor quality version of a TV in my opinion). With others, I find any time extremely annoying, bothersome and taking away from valuable me time.
Now let’s get to the only one that moves the bitter meter. Words of affirmation. I think it goes back to the one thing that defines living for me. The groan.
I love puns because they are the lowest form of humor according to most, but I find it the highest form. Simply because of one reason. The better the pun, the bigger the groan. I like making people uncomfortable with my comedy. If they are groaning because my joke is so bad they can hardly stand it, my comedy has done its job. And there is no better way of showing me affirmation than by groans at one of my dad jokes. You don’t get to be the department dad joker, by telling genuinely funny jokes.
So what is your love language? What gets you jazzed in the morning? What makes you feel like you’ve actually accomplished something? What can I do to not do those things for you?
Bitter Groan Language Ben
The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.
Target Deal of the Day: You are just like everyone else, so jump on that “losing weight” resolution bandwagon for the first few weeks of January. Stay out of the crowded gyms and do it in your basement though. Uses these Ignite by Spri Chrome hand weights to take your broken resolution to the lowest level. The twenty-pound version is 20% off for a low price of $23.99.
I have a pretty outstanding sense of direction. I can almost always tell where I am and where I need to go. It was always something built inside me and something I have tried really hard not to develop at all. Whenever I have been somewhere once, I can almost always find it again without direction. I think because I have been blessed with this gift, I’ve been cursed in another way.
I can’t hold onto anything. I’ve lost my wallet multiple times in my life, I can’t seem to ever be able to find my keys, and right now I can’t seem to find my glasses. It might be because I haven’t worn glasses for 15 years, but still…can’t find them.
Lately, I’ve been pretty good though. I figured that I was just getting really good at holding onto things finally, but it seems that isn’t really the case. What seems to have happened is I have just passed on the curse.
I finally took a not deserved at all vacation since December 22nd, and things went well…at first. That is where you always go wrong. The first few days went smoothly. The kids were excited about Christmas, so they were on their best behavior (which for our son is naughty), but they were helpful, happy, and downright intolerable. I’m not used to it, so it was a little disconcerting. We spent a night with my wife’s family, and night with my family. Then Christmas day came, the kids all got what they wanted and we settled into a nice comfortable groove.
Then the next morning my daughter came to me and asked if I had seen her wallet. Not a big deal, just asking. Of course, I don’t really pay attention to other people’s wallets, because I’m always so worried about mine. I looked around but didn’t really get too concerned because, you know, there is stuff everywhere, and presents and wrapping paper could have just swallowed it up. I just told her to tell her mom and we would look tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and we started going through the, “Where did you see it last?” questions. Then the ripping up of the house, tearing up of every part of the house and the frustrations started to mount. Accusations of “you must have thrown it away” and “why weren’t you more careful!” and then chaos. No one wanted to go anywhere (even though we badly needed stuff) and everyone was mad at each other. All because some stupid wallet was lost. It baffles me how these things get lost.
I’ve decided that we had a Christmas Gremlin stealing all our stuff. Come to find out my wife can’t find her charging cable, my son can’t seem to find his wallet now, and then my mom called me last night wondering if we had her purse. Some things we found, others we didn’t. But we will always wonder where these things disappear to. I’m still wondering where my baseball glove and wallet from my trip to Cincinnati in high school are. All I know is this dude made Christmas miserable. And when I find this Christmas Gremlin, I’m going to punch him in his bitter face.
What did your Christmas Gremlins steal from you this year? Why does he always wait for our wallets to be the fullest to steal them?
Bitter Angry Christmas Elf Ben
The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.
Target Deal of the Day: Solid Microlight Berber Electric Blanket. It is cold. Sooo cold. If you are like me, you just want to stay on the couch and do your favorite activity. Nothing. And be warm. This heated blanket will do the trick. Get it at Target Now!
He is as green as Eggs and Ham. He is as green as the Redwood Forest. He is as green as the Hulk and Yoda. He’s as green as a hippy on St. Patrick’s Day. As green as my envy when someone is laying on a couch better than I am. As green as the fried tomatoes in that movie. Yes, he is the Grinch and as you know, one of my bitter idols growing up. Though I haven’t quite surpassed his hairiness and greeness, I have surpassed his bitterness. I have a tale of my own as the Brinch Who stole Christmas Vacations. Watch as I tell the tale of the month before Christmas and the Workers down in Workville.
Every Employee down in Workville liked Christmas Vacation a lot,
But the Brinch who lived south of Workville did not
The Brinch hated Christmas vacation, the whole Christmas vacation season
Please don’t ask why, no one knows the reason,
Actually they do, it’s because everyone leaves him with work all season,
It could be that he likes to lay on the couch all night
Or that his socks are on too tight
But the most likely reason of all
Is that his bitter heart was a little too small
I’ve put up with missing Christmas vacation for 15 years now,
I must stop others from getting Christmas vacation, “But how?”
Then he got an awful idea
The Brinch got a terrible, awful idea,
I know just what to do, the Brinch laughed bitterly in his throat,
He made a quick casual Friday outfit, complete with a coat
He looked on the calendar at the vacation time
He checked ADP to see if something on there would rhyme
He found many spots on the calendar that hadn’t been taken
And decided that he would steal all his co-worker’s vacation
He took Easter’s and New Year’s and St. Patrick’s Day,
He took July 4th, and Labor, and Memorial in May,
He took every last vacation day that anyone would want,
He even took Flag Day, yes he was that blunt,
And every time someone wanted a vacation
He found a way to stick himself in the situation
He found all the days in December you know,
Because everyone coveted them so they could frolic in the snow,
He took early, and late and the middle of the month,
They would all cry with envy and just say, “Hurumph”
They would have all kinds of envy as he left no time available
They wouldn’t get to watch all the Christmas specials on cable
The Brinch let out a laugh so bitter
As his co-workers wouldn’t have time off to shoot glitter
But then something happened as he sat on his couch
The employees were happy to be at work and wouldn’t even say, “Ouch!”
The giggled as they eat all the candy in the breakroom
Not having even one little bit of gloom
They talked and laughed and didn’t have to do much work
They even talked about Miley and her terrible Twerk
They did all his work happily
And even had their afternoon tea
The Brinch finally came back to work even more miserable now
Cause no one got mad or even had a cow
When they had to work the holidays and answer phone calls.
They said, “We avoided the crowds at the mall!”
They didn’t have to go to crowded theaters
Or be outside playing in the cold with their brrsss
They had slow days where didn’t do much
Except gossip about many things or not much
They enjoyed they did and didn’t complain
And the Brinch spent most of his vacation in the rain
So this is where our bitter tale ends
With the Brinch having to spend the holidays with a bunch of, gulp, friends
Bitter Brinch Ben
Target Deal of the Day: The Google Smart Light Starter Kit. Are you as lazy as I am? Are you even too lazy to clap your lights off? Then this Google product is for you. The Google Smart Light Starter Kit allows you to just say Hey Google, Turn my lights on. How amazingly lazy is that? It is on sale for $35.00 right. Is there a better price for laziness? I think not.
I’m from the 80’s where let’s just say…television wasn’t as smart or as thought out. For some reason, back in my day, television didn’t have to be as good. It might be because there were only three stations competing for my time and writers could be super lazy about the concept for a television show. Somehow an alien called Alf, who liked eating cats and looked like a really bad muppet was a popular enough show that it lasted two seasons and became a cultural hit. There was also a show called Family Matters about a suburban black family run by the Sgt. Al Powell of the LAPD that helped John McClane stave off some terrorists in Nakatomi Plaza. It wasn’t a great show, nor was Alf, but they thrived somehow on the back of a few Catch Phrases. TV was all about them, and now they don’t really have them. Movies either. Every show is so smart now, so they don’t like to pander to an audience with a catch phrase. You know what I’m saying? Because “I make bitter better!” Now to the Bitter Friday Giftures.
Here’s a catch phrase for you…
After offering up these amazing catch phrases, which are both catchy, brilliant and dare I say memorable, I assume the networks are calling my agent right now to discuss multimillion dollar writing gigs for their network shows. If you don’t ever see another blog from me again, you can just assume I’m deciding which offer to accept and I don’t have time for you guys anymore. Also, it could be that I’m on vacation for the holidays and I’m too lazy to do anything during the week. Either way, I will be rich and you guys will wish you got my autograph. Out. Because I make bitter better.
Bitter Catchphrase Ben
Target Deal of the Day: Here’s a catchphrase for you…Stop letting the kids drive you nuts. To do so, wrap them up in a nice warm coat, gloves, hat, and heavy underwear. Then, give them this Razor A5 Air Kick Scooter, and tell them to ride it through the snow to get to the playground. You can then tell them they now know how it feels to drive in traffic everyday and they should stop bugging you when you get home. I mean, they can have some sympathy. Also tell them that you got the scooter for $68.79, which is a way better price than the original $129.99, which is something like 47% if I’m just grabbing a number out of the air.
In the northern part of the world, like where I live the months of October through March, while not technically winter, are the cold months of the year. The days become shorter, the dark gets more persistent and we barely ever see the light of day. It’s almost like the world hates us and just wants us to suffer. I don’t know if it is the universe trying to cheer us up just a tiny little bit, or just making sure we aren’t totally depressed, but what I like to call the holiday quadrant of the year comes along right about this time. First, there is Labor Day, then there is Halloween, then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then New Year’s four months in a row. Usually, everyone has a preferred holiday, but I think if it weren’t for these holidays and something for people to look forward to, there would be a whole lot of depression going on.
Is it just a coincidence that December 25th is only four days after the shortest day of the year? Just imagine all the people and their depression of the short cold day of December 21st if there were no holidays to celebrate. I think this world would be even more depressing than it already is. That being said, do you realize that the beginning of December seems to be advent calendar day?
It’s strange that for some reason, more than any other occasion, we count down the days to Christmas. Why is that? Why isn’t there advent calendars for my birthday? Why aren’t there advent calendars for when we go on a cruise? And why do advent calendars have to countdown days until something special?
Why aren’t we counting down the days until a random Tuesday in February? Why aren’t all getting stuck in the traffic and the airports on March 7th? Why aren’t I listening to April music in early March to celebrate the coming of April 15th? Why not the same enthusiasm for Tax Day April 15th? May 14th might not be filled with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, but at least May has a lot more daylight than December 25th.
Why aren’t kids staying up late in their pillow forts in their room and being nicer to their parents on May 31st? There is more light, and they don’t have school for even longer than 2 weeks. On top of that, they don’t have to go outside in the complete dark and snow and have a snowball fight. Also, when is the last time you were super stressed to go to the mall and get a gift for a random uncle you haven’t seen for 7 years on June 3rd? I guess people just like stress, bad weather, the absence of the sun, and annoying random songs about a guy named Rudolph sung by Justin Beiber than a nice long summer night.
That being said, I don’t have to work for the rest of the year starting on Friday 21st at 3:30 pm, so I guess you guys can have your super excitement about this super dark holiday, while I sit on the couch not doing things for 10 days.
Bitter Advent Calendar Ben
Target Deal of the Day: If you want to tune out all the guests you will be having during the holidays, or you just want to start your career as a shower singer, try out this JBL Flip 4 Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker for your shower. It is $79.99 right now, which is a solid $20 off of the regular price.
The nice thing about being lazy and watching TV a lot is that you get to observe a lot. When you do a lot of observing you start to notice trends. Trends like the Hallmark Channel rotating the same twelve actors and actresses, the shows always ending with a kiss and the abrupt ending and the big town girl moving to the small town and hating it at first but then realizing that she loves it. That is just three things off the top of my head, and that is just about the Hallmark Channel.
I also observe television commercials a lot. There are the legal drugs everyone is trying to sell. The first identifies the problem (a minor cough, itchy skin) tell how this medication will solve it, then they list every side effect known to man, even thoughts of depression and death. Sometimes they even mention pain after death, which is something only legal drugs prescribed by a doctor can do to you.
Another trend is the aggressive selling of phones. It might be because the available phones right now are $1000+. They throw in every possible feature, say their camera is better and then tell you that you can get unlimited gigs per month. I think that means they let you constantly stream on your phone in the middle of the high desert or low tundra, but I was hoping that it meant unlimited gigs as in “as many side hustle jobs” as you want.
I keep hoping that it means the latter. As awesome as my job is, it isn’t paying me $20,000 a month yet. I keep trying to get you guys to start buying my recommended products, but apparently, I’m not famous enough for you to just blindly buy things I recommend just because I have a famous face. I guess I will have to buy one of those costly phones with the unlimited gig plans they are offering.
I just hope that I don’t have to take every single one that comes along. Let’s just remember that I’m lazy and prefer to sit on a couch. If the gig involves going outside and doing something or any kind of effort, I’m not cool with that. However, if it means I can sit on my couch, and type a few things, or take pictures from my perspective, then I’m down.
What do you guys think? What are some of the patterns you see when you are observing? What are some gigs you would take if you could get unlimited ones?
Bitter Unlimited Side Gigs Ben
Target Deal of the Day: You know you are eating the worst right now because it is the sugar and junk food quarter of the year. Maybe get an early start on the “New Year’s Resolutions” and get this As Seen on TV Air Fryer. It allows you to cook all your fried foods with air instead of grease or whatever. It’s healthy and stuff. Save $40 by purchasing today.
One time I took a statistics class in college and I was so bad at it that I ended up getting like a total of 10% at the end of the class. Let’s just ignore the fact that I should have dropped the class immediately after seeing how terrible the teacher was. Why did I even endure this idiotic teacher and class? Well, I guess in the end, I exposed this teacher for who he was. Not a very good teacher. Oh, he knew his stuff, I have no doubt about that. But in my opinion is that if 90% of your students are failing or dropping out of your class, you might want to adjust your teaching style. Or realize that it might be you, and not the students. I did get my revenge. Student evaluations.
Not that I was ever any good at math. I don’t learn or think with the mind of a math student. Sure math makes sense, logically, kind of. It’s supposed to anyways. But let’s be honest. If your answer to something ends with an -5x, then there is something wrong with that. I think you should always be able to know what the number is, or what is the point? I’ve never learned things on a straight line. Even in math, I would get the answer backwards. I would learn by trial and error. Instead of solving for X, I would just plug a number in X and see if it worked.
I’ve always done things by trial and error. Yes, it probably cost me a lot of time, but I eventually get there. I’ve tried different ways to get money. Since I always knew I wanted to be a copywriter someday, but there were no classes in my school for advertising, I took marketing and business classes. To get started on what I thought would be a solid career in advertising, I worked for a telemarketer. See marketing was in the title of the job and I figured that it would lead to a career in marketing and advertising. The problem is that it never really lead to anything but more phone work. I was stuck in a career path that I had no desire whatsoever for. Talking on the phone. I hated it so much that I started the original Ben’s Bitter Blog because of it.
So after 15 years of working in customer service, my wife suggested that I take a semester of social media. We moved here to Utah, I took a semester of social media, got a little experience, and now I actually write blog posts and content for a mortgage lending company. See what I mean about trial and error. See how I didn’t just draw a straight line to my career? I always do things differently.
How do you like to do things? Plan them out? Make goals? Or do you just leap like I do and take way longer to get places like me?
Bitter Curved Path Ben
Target Deal of the Day: For that kid in your life who has already asked for everything and just wants onnnne more thing. Just a new video game system with all the fixings. If you buy the Nintendo Switch at Target you will get a $25 gift card. Pretty sweet deal because you can always use $25 more dollars at Target.
There is a commercial out right now about a daughter and her parents communicating through video chat and the parents are wearing one of these awful, ugly Christmas sweaters. The daughter asks them if they are going to an ugly sweater party and they look at her sincerly and say, “What do you mean?”
Ugly Christmas sweaters have been around for a long time, but now they are cool. There are ugly sweater parties now more often than fancy dress up parties. And some companies dedicate at least half their budget for ugly Christmas sweaters. I am right now wearing the ugliest, itchiest sweater that is very uncomfortable, but I do it so I can win a prize at work. I have a reputation to uphold. In the same manner, it is also Friday, which means I have some gifs to present.
Let’s get started…
This is basically Monday…
The support I always feel…
This kid is definitely…
This may or may not…
Sometimes during the holidays…
Talk about hang time…
That is some nice…
This kid is…
Make sure she isn’t…
The most important fashion accessory…
Well, I hope you all rock your ugly sweater contests this year. And if not, then you are just really uncomfortable for the day. And bitter.
Bitter Ugly Sweater Ben
Target Deal of the Day: In case you just can’t seem to find an ugly sweater, maybe a nice carpet will work. You know people are coming over to your house and there will be some messy kids. Instead of cleaning all those stains, just get a throw rug and cover them up. Try this Fretwork Rug in gray to cover up all your messy spills.
The other day our team was in charge of providing some training to a bunch of other professionals. We were all given assignments for the event. Part of my assignment was finding the flags that with our signage on it so we could show everyone where to go. I wasn’t told exactly where the flags were, so I started my search the day earlier just so I could be prepared. These events make me nervous, so the more prepared I was, the better.
I went to the marketing closet where they were supposed to be, but the closet is kind of a mess. Because of that, I had to do a little searching, and that is kind of my nightmare. I searched for about 10 minutes and couldn’t find the flags. I searched high and low, and for some reason, I couldn’t see them. I looked in every drawer, looked on top of the drawers, even looked inside the copier. For some reason, I couldn’t find them. I then started asking anyone else that might know where they were.
I get really frustrated when it takes me a long time to do something that should have only taken a few minutes. Anyways, after two days of searching, I just couldn’t find it. Although I didn’t find it, I’m almost positive that they are right in front of my eyes somewhere. I don’t like to stereotype, but husbands and men, in general, are not very good at knowing where things are. I fit that stereotype exactly. I can stand in front of the fridge for hours at a time and still not see the leftover lasagna.
No matter where I have lived, I can never seem to find anything I’m looking for. I lived in my house in Seattle for 15 years, and I almost always forgot where the glasses were. I know they next to the fridge, but I would still reach instinctively near the toaster for them, then kick myself that I forgot where they were. Which is weird, because I can navigate to someone’s house all the way across town that I have only been once, but I can’t seem to find where the wrapping paper that I just got out last week. Basically, my wife is the house GPS.
My son, daughter and I are always asking her where things are in the house. I can’t find my shoes. They are on the shoe rack. Ohhhh yeah. I can’t find where my Transformers shirt is. Have you checked your closet where you hanging up shirts are? Whoops, I should have checked there before I asked. Mom, where is my coat? Calculating…calculating…take the stairs to the left and walk three spaces in your room.
I swear if she ever dies on me, and leaves me with kids, we will all just be wandering around like zombies asking each other where things are. We might have to just hire a woman who has house GPS just so we can find things.
What about you? Are you good at finding stuff in your house? Are you the GPS or are you the wandering zombie?
Bitter Family GPS Ben
Speaking of needing a GPS, how about some help finding a gift for that kid in your life that loves opening present after present. The Target Deal of the Day is this LOL surprise, with lots of other surprises inside. Today only $79.99, which is $10 off the regular price.
I graduated college in 1998, which was this crazy, weird transitional time where the internet was so new that I needed to take a class on it just to learn how it worked. I remember a course in which a teacher had a literal tutorial on how to navigate around the internet. It was a crazy time. In fact, I remember the first website I went to, that I got from a poster of a movie, Mortal Kombat. It remember having to write down this really long URL and then having to type it character for character just to get on the site. It took me a week to get to it, and once I was there, I didn’t really know what to do. It was surreal.
I remember looking for a job after graduation by going to businesses and asking them for an application. They give me a piece of paper, and I filled it out. I also remember having a cell phone until a couple years later, but that only had a phone call function. It was thick and black and had big numbers, and I just used it if I needed to call someone from a car. Everyone had phones in their buildings, or you could use a phone booth.
Obviously, times have changed, and people use them for all kinds of things (the last thing being a phone call). Phones don’t exist in homes anymore, and phone booths are a thing of the past. Now my 11-year-old is begging us for a phone (because all his friends have had them since they were 8) and I feel like giving him the one I had looking for a job back in the early 2000s. Phones are amazing except for one BIG problem. We use them so much that the battery wears out. I finally upgrade a few weeks ago (from a fantastic phone by the way, especially if you consider what we had to work within the 2000s), mostly because my battery kept dying.
I finally have one that will last all day, but still every night it needs to be charged. I was thinking about how it would be nice if we could be charged every night too. It would be great if our beds were a little more multi-purposed. It should also include human chargers. I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember the last time I was at 100% percent. I’m pretty sure it was when I was 18 or 19. We should be a little bit more like our phones. We still retain all the data and info we have, but we should be able to go back physically to our peak when we are charged at 100%. Yeah, phones wear down and get bogged down over age, but we should be able to upgrade to a new body, while still retaining most of our data when we switch over.
I don’t know about you, but at 45, I feel like I’m at about 45% and it takes way more charging than one night to get me at even 85%. Perhaps as we age, we should only have to work 20 hours a week and be able to rest way more. It just seems logical. And when my old phone got replaced, I just let it rest on the shelf. Seems logical.
What do you think? Should we be getting better tech that allows us humans to be charged better? Should we allow the elderly(like me) to work less?
Bitter Recharge Ben
Target Deal of the Day: This one should be a no brainer if you are a husband constantly searching for everything, a wife that needs a husband to stop asking her where everything is, or a mom and dad that needs their kids to stop asking. This a Tile, a little device you can put on anything important and you will be able to find it with your phone. Unless you lost your phone.