I learn simple and stupid things every day from Google and YouTube. There is only so much you can learn from teachers and school. Especially because most of the stuff they teach you is really boring and not something, I need to know. Like Math. When is the last time I ever learned anything from that? Oh yeah, 1+1 = 3 . My teacher’s spent way too much time teaching me that when they could have been teaching me how to change a spare tire. Or how to cheat the algorithm on jobs, so I could get more interviews. Why was I learning about the five layers of earth crust when I should have been learning more about the layers of Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust?
All I know is that they really didn’t teach us the stuff we really needed. Thankfully YouTube and Google came along so I could learn the real useful stuff instead of having to look in an encyclopedia how to loop a YouTube video. I was talking the other day about really liking movie trailers because they get you pumped enough about a movie, but you don’t have to wade through all the boring exposition or details that bog down a convoluted story.
While I work, I like to watch trailers in the background over and over again. Some of them are just so good that you want to listen to them over and over again. The problem with doing that is they are so short, you have to click out of what you are doing and restart them over and over again, and it distracts you from avoiding work in more efficient ways. I finally decided to see if you could just put a YouTube video on an eternal loop and sure enough, you can. Once I figured it out, I kicked myself for not figuring it out before.
Eternal loops. Sometimes I wonder if my life is on an infinite loop. I’ve spent so many time in my life doing almost the same thing week to week that I sometimes think that some alien has a cosmic YouTube that I’m a part of and he or she has put my life on a weekly loop. I wake up at the same time, trudge through the same traffic, do the same terrible blog post that no one pays me to, do some of the same simple tasks every day, and then drive home. On repeat.
I think that alien is just cruel or masochistic. Why wouldn’t he put the exciting parts of my life on repeat? Like that one week in Hawaii 8 years ago? Or the cruise we went on 3 years ago. Or that time when I actually got published in a magazine? Why does that frickin alien always repeat the same workday over and over?
I’m smart enough only to loop stuff on YouTube that is good. I know not to loop stuff on YouTube about doing math equations, or the grindingly terrible music. I know to avoid watching that weird ASMR stuff on loop.
I just wish the alien could just fast forward to the moment when I win the lottery and let me loop that moment over and over again.
What about you guys? What moments do you think have been on loop over and over again? Which ones do you wish happened over and over again?
Bitter Looper Ben
P.S. Hello Bitter Friends. I just want you all to know that I am going to start including affiliate links on my posts. Basically, for any subject I talk about, I will link to products on Amazon that are related to the thing I just talked about. I will probably also link to products I’m interested in too. No pressure, but if you would like to help me make a little money on the side, click the link and purchase the item and I get a little kickback. Also, if you are thinking of buying anything on Amazon, let me know and I will include a link somewhere in a blog post for you, and it will help me by doing so. Plus, it will be like a challenge for me to incorporate a word I might not have been thinking about in a post, so yeah for that. Thanks for following me through all the different changes I’ve been implementing. Also, take a look at the ads below. Click them.
I just watched that Martian movie with Matt Damon. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a dude that goes with a crew to Mars, but the crew doesn’t make it there. So he is left on Mars without anyone else. He is all alone. Eventually, he finds a way to survive off of planting things and making contact with the people of earth. Through many difficult trials and such, just like Hollywood always does to its characters, he “spoiler alert” survives and makes to back to earth.
Let’s go back to the part where he was on the planet alone. For him and the extroverts of the world, this would be a nightmare. For me and a lot of introverts, this would be pure bliss. Sure, we wouldn’t survive very long without other people, but can I imagine a life of not going to parties and awkwardly trying to come up with conversation? Can I imagine never having to say good morning to anyone every morning? Can I imagine never having to speak in front of a crowd of strangers or travel on an airplane flight and having to talk to my seatmate? Yes, yes I can.
A whole lot of years ago, I realized that my day starts out pretty amazingly. I wake up, take a shower, get ready for work, drive to work, and get in about an hour and a half before anyone comes in. Do you know what all those things have in common? I haven’t talked to anyone. Not in the shower, not on the drive in and not in the first few hours at work.
Then people come in. All of a sudden, my day starts going terribly and horribly downhill. Life becomes miserable as soon as I start interacting with people. Seven people asking how my morning was. Seven people asking me how my weekend. Seventeen people asking me to do things for them. Three people asking if we can have a meeting. Do you see where it all goes wrong? The amazing efficiency with which I do all things is gone.
You know what kills efficiency? That’s right. People. At my old job, for a while, I was just doing admin work. I was pretty good at getting things done until I had to start taking phone calls. I didn’t even answer that many, but when I did, I would inevitably get a problem child, and they would require to alter my whole day. I was like a meteor in space on a trajectory toward a planet that was supposed to arrive at a certain time. But then some little tiny, but angry other space rock collided with me and now I’m headed toward another planet and will never make it back to Planet Productivity. It isn’t aliens that are the Space Invaders. It’s other humans.
Do you understand why I like my space? How do people hinder and interrupt your days? Let me know in the comments.
Bitter Space Needer Ben
P.S. Hello Bitter Friends. I just want you all to know that I am going to start including affiliate links on my posts. Basically, for any subject I talk about, I will link to products on Amazon that are related to the thing I just talked about. I will probably also link to products I’m interested in too. No pressure, but if you would like to help me make a little money on the side, click the link and purchase the item and I get a little kickback. Also, if you are thinking of buying anything on Amazon, let me know and I will include a link somewhere in a blog post for you and it will help me by doing so. Plus, it will be like a challenge for me to incorporate a word I might not have been thinking about in a post, so yeah for that. Thanks for following me through all the different changes I’ve been implementing. Enjoy the bitterness!
It is that time of year again where people all of a sudden want to be scared. I heard somewhere that Halloween makes more money than Christmas. I’m not one to do research, so I will just go ahead and assume that is true. I know people that like Halloween way more than Christmas. In fact, one guy I worked told me that he was already looks forward to Halloween on November 1st, for next year.
I find a few things about Halloween scary. It is one of the most major holidays in the US, and somehow we don’t get the day off. How in the world is that not scary to people? The other thing, is that dressing up takes work. I’ve worn some of the most uncomfortable costumes made to man. I was Beast from Beauty and the one year, and it was sweating like a beast. Another time I wore a Donald Duck costume. I was not used to having such a big butt before and it was the most uncomfortable thing to sit in. I’m all about comfort when it comes to dressing and getting hot in something you are wearing is one of my least favorite things. On the gifs, I hope they scare the heck out of you…
Careful as the…
Don’t do it…
Make sure you check carefully for…
Also be careful…
And scariest of all…
Scariness is all about perspective. I could probably go into a haunted house or a scary movie and not feel a thing, but if I get a hair in my mouth or in my cereal, I run screeching like a little girl. I hope you have a bitter Halloween. It’s this weekend, right?
Bitter Freak out Friday Ben
Say what you will about Micheal Scott, one of my favorite all-time characters from the Office, but that guy was loyal. He stuck with Dunder Mifflin and the Micheal Scott Paper Company even they treated him like dirt. Granted, he did some pretty bad things to others and the company, but no one was more loyal to Dunder Mifflin than Michael. Maybe Dwight. Micheal may have been a little thick, and very abrasive and very inappropriate, but no matter how bad he was treated, he always fought for Dunder Mifflin and the people that worked there. He never as he said, “used an escape goat.”
Yesterday, I went through two very serious situations in which people that I know and care about got backed into a corner. As we all know, when you get backed into a corner, your instincts only allow you two choices. That of fighting and that of fleeing. When you see how a person reacts to this very situation, you get to see what a person is made of. Sometimes, it is smart and savvy to run. I have no doubt that in the right situation, fleeing is the smart thing to do. Sometimes you can only take too much, and fleeing is your only option. I get it. I’ve been in many situations (social gatherings) where I get trapped in a metaphorical corner, and almost always when it comes to talking to people, I choose the flee option. I despise small talk, and awkwardness with a passion, and it doesn’t make any sense to me to fight through a situation like that. In those situations, a fake phone call, a punch bowl, or a bathroom break are an introverts best friend.
Then there are the situations that happened yesterday. I was always taught that I shouldn’t judge other people, because there is no possible way for me to know everything that is going on in that person’s life, in their head, or in their past life. Too many things make it impossible for me to 100% judge. Then again, I see people do it every day and they get paid quite well to do it. Judge Judy has made a living and fame from judging stupid people all day. I’m sure she had an excellent legal education to get her there, as well as the personality that makes it entertaining to watch her, but I’m judging people for free. I think I should at least be able to do it if I’m not charging people to do it.
In any event, I think the people I’m talking about took the fleeing option, and quite frankly, in both situations, they took the cowards way out. I try not to use the coward word lightly, but in truth they did. I think they should have fought harder for what they wanted. Loyalty is not always the easiest thing to be, but I’ve always been pretty loyal, and for me when someone just runs from certain situations, they are cowards.
Anyways, I’m going to pull up my old man pants and deal with the things that these people left me with and be a man about it.
How do you guys feel about loyalty? Are you a Micheal Scott, who will stick with people and places, and fight for them? Or are you a Robert California and flee at the slightest sign of trouble? What situations do you think are okay to flee? What are some important ones that you need to fight for?
Bitter Loyalty Ben
It seems like every time we have a huge jackpot in the MegaMillions or the Powerball, I have the need to write about it. I can see why the lottery is a national obsession. It’s not that I think about it all the time. In fact, I’ve only actually played it once. Didn’t win. All I know is that for a few days, whenever it goes to some ginormous amount, I can’t help but think what I would do.
We all do. It is a natural tendency for all of us to think about what we would do if we have more money than we could ever spend. Some of us say it wouldn’t change us. We would still go to our job, we would still live in the same house and drive the same car. Those people are called either insane or liars. No matter how down to earth, humble or grounded you are, your life will change. It may be much better or worse, but it isn’t staying the same. Almost everyone would get a new car, a new house and a whole slew of new friends and admirers.
I honestly wondered last night if some millionaires and even billionaires went out and bought a ticket or 10. It might be out of just pure jealousy that someone instantly become richer than them and by a large margin. Imagine a Kardashian realizing that their $350 million value was all of sudden dwarfed by someone who might have been a hillbilly in South Carolina and didn’t sleep their way into doing nothing and earning a lot of money and fame. Imagine their jealousy.
Now I imagine what I would do with it. I think the first thing I would do is deal with my enemies and leaches that would try to get my money. I would buy an island somewhere in the Specific Ocean and just put all of them there. Then I would put $1 million in an account controlled by some really tight, penny-pinching lawyer that would make the decisions on who got any money from me.
Next, I would find the biggest custom couch in the history of the world. The kind that would need a map to find the center and a nap every hour to get out of. Then I would buy the biggest TV made just so I could see it from the couch. In my spare time, I would start destroying Disney from the inside. Destroy “It’s a Small World” ride, sell food in the parks for way less than Disney is, and then start making DC quality movies in Marvel movies. I would put George Lucas in charge of writing the Star Wars movies but letting Micheal Bay direct them.
I would buy the word Bitter from whoever owns it (right now Burger King owns Bitter.com) and also I would by the name Ben. I would also buy the word hashtag and return that back to being called pound sign, so no one could ever hashtag again without paying a hefty fine. Oh, and of course, I would give the rest to charities that opposed Disney.
What about you all? Any plans for the billion dollars? Or would you just “give it all to charity” and not change your life at all?
Bitter Lottery Loser Ben
My son’s love languages run deep. He craves almost all of them. He loves affection, he loves getting words of affirmation, and above all he loves gifts. Sometimes, I’m not sure if it is because he loves the gift inside or if it really is just the act of opening a present. Regardless, he loves having as many occasions as possible so he can get gifts. I’m guessing he probably has a list longer for Christmas than the rest of my family combined.
Needless to say, he loves extending his birthday as long as possible. It was last Saturday and any chance he gets to be celebrated he will take. Our aunt on my wife’s side is always really generous with gifts and money, so she invited him to come up where she lives and go to a bouncy house. He really enjoys those because he is very physical and makes friends really easily. From what I was told (I was at work), he made a bitter rival in dodgeball (proud of him) and a bunch of other friends while he was there. My daughter said he looked like a really cold Pepsi on a really warm day (IE he was really sweating).
I was invited to come to see them after work to go to dinner and then invited to go to a Utah Jazz game with my son afterwards. I am a fan of the NBA, but not of the Jazz, so I was told by my son I wasn’t allowed to wear my Spurs sweatshirt so visibly. I had to tie it around my waist.
I could go into the minute details about the game, but I will not. What I will say is that I’ve never seen such a terrible basketball game in all my life. I’ve seen and played in a lot of basketball games in my life, but I’ve never seen that horribleness. I feel like with the amount of money those guys get paid, and the amount of money the owner’s have, they should have give the entire crowd their money back. Shots were missed, layups were biffed, people were intimidated, it was just a horrific display of terribleness. I know people have off days, but teams should never be that bad. Earn your $450,000 you just go paid to play that one particular game. That was just embarassing.
On the other hand, I have to admit that I have taken days off at work too. There have been many a days where I spent literally no time, effort, or ability at work and I got paid. I felt horrible. I might as well have sat at home on my couch watching TV, and quite regrettably, I easily could have. I had over three months worth of sick days at that job. I should have stayed home and given zero effort. At least people would have known why, because I was “sick”.
I just think some humans like myself need a break and they don’t always know how to work a sick day. So we go to work, get bitter, decide to check out for the day and enjoy the internet for all of its possibilities.
What about you? Are you one of those 100% effort or you feel horrible about yourself people? Or are you like me and just decide that some days at work are going to be fruitless and you just decide to check out?
Bitter Poor Job Performance Ben
You might be surprised that Bruno Mars isn’t that guys real name. It is Peter Gene Hernandez. You might also think that Natalie Portman’s real name is real, but it isn’t. Her BC(birth certificate) name is Neta-Lee Hershlag. It isn’t shocking that people use different names than the ones their parents gave them.
My brother’s name is really Joseph, and my sister’s name is Joi, so you can see why he might have wanted to change his name. My parents could have potentially been screaming at those two saying, “Joi, Joey, get down here.” Not sure how that could have been confusing growing up. I decided to have two completely different kids and names so I wouldn’t get confused. Cause heaven knows I need any more help getting confused.
I was always a big nickname guy growing up and also now. I had a nickname for each of my brothers and sisters, and even my parents, because really who calls someone their actual given name? That is just weird. Your name is your identifier and quite honestly your brand. A name can change your life in a lot of ways. That’s why you need to think long and hard before you name your kids. You don’t want to name them Stormi or North, because however hard they just wanted to be more calm or south facing, now they are stuck with that name (unless they become a celebrity, which they will then just change their name).
Some people have been scarred for life, because of stupid names their parents gave them. Like for instance the guy that was legally named Batman. It doesn’t matter that he was afraid of the dark and fighting crime in Gotham, he became a hero you didn’t know you needed.
My son recently changed his Xbox name from something awesome to a stupid name that was just identifying with some stupid clan. I told him it was a bad idea before he did it, because your Xbox namertag sticks with other people and let’s them know who you are. Now instead of being an original and awesome gamer, you are just part of some clan that will leave you as soon as they find a replacement and you will be left with this stupid name. None of your friends will know who you are when you log in.
He changed and it is now his Scarlet Letter.
Thankfully, my parents understood my calling before I was born and knew that I would need to be named Bitter Ben. That name helped me identify with who I am and has made me the bitter guy I am today. Some people call me Ben and that is fine as long as they understand that Bitter is really who I am.
How do you guys feel about your name? How has it helped your identity? Have you changed your name? Is it because you are a celebrity? If you are a celebrity please reach out to me so you can sponsor my blog and make it famous, BTW.
Bitter Nicknamin Ben
As an introvert, you are always trying to find ways out of talking. Often you have to get crafty to find ways to avoid people and situation. It nice to have tools at your disposal that help you in a bind. When my kids were younger they were a great tool. Anytime you thought someone was talking to you too much, you would have a kid at your side, that “needed to get their diaper change” or “looked a little hungry” or “was getting a little antsy”.
Thankfully, the smart phone made things a little easier too. As long as you have it, there are always ways out of having to talk to people, ironic as that sounds. You could be in the middle of an uncomfortable chat with a co-worker and “oh, I just got a text from my wife, got to take this”, or “got a call from a doctor, have to go in the other room.”
Another one I like to use is mirrors. Mirrors aren’t always easily available, but honestly, all you need is a shiny surface. Windows work well in a pinch. They are best used as a way to know who is coming from behind you. A lot of times when you are sitting at your desk, happily avoiding work at all costs and you need to be able to switch to something work related quickly, a mirror is your best friend. It almost like an early warning system (or a Kevin from the Office, which is actually a really bad warning system).
When you are driving, you don’t really realize how important mirrors are until you don’t have one. I was on my way home once and was turning a curve down a road I took all the time and I was barreling toward a car that was in front of me. I didn’t realize until it was too late, and swerved out of the way onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the guy in front of me. I did have to pay a price though. My side mirror got cracked on the car and shattered. I had to figure out a way to drive without a side mirror and it was frightening how many times I looked over and used it.
The other day while on my way home, I looked in the rear view mirror and a strange thought came to me. All these people in cars are following me. For all I know, these cars could be tracking me down. Maybe this is just paranoid me, but at any second, all of them could start going after me, like I was James Bond that just had amnesia. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of that at least once.
All I know is that mirrors could put weird ideas into your head.
What do you think? Are mirrors a valuable tool for you? Or do they just make you paranoid like me?
Bitter Rear View Mirror Ben
I’ve written pretty extensively about the Office. If you weren’t any the wiser you might have thought that I was repping for The Office. You know like paid a lot of money to write about a show that has been off the air since 2013. I have pretty much watched it non stop since it went off the air, thanks to Netflix and even made it a regular Friday thing at work. I love it so much that I’ve applied to work at a mid-sized paper company. I look at everyone in my office and try to figure out which character they are.
I even predicted the Office on Broadway almost a year before they actually made that happen. Recently I found out that there is an auction for The Office furniture. A lot of things up for auction, you wouldn’t pay more than a dollar for in real life, but since they appeared on the show, most things sold for more than $500 and some up to $2000.
Some of the items up for auction included Pam’s mouse pad ($950), Dwight’s Jewelry Box with key ($1000), Creed’s Computer Monitor ($325), Micheal’s Paper Tray ($1200) and Jim’s Phone ($4500). Imagine if they would have been able to sell this stuff when they were on the show. They never would have had to worry about downsizing, the fun run that spawned this answering of the phone by Pam for the fun run, “Michael Scott’s Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.”
They wouldn’t have had to have the auction where Michael had the Bruce Springsteen concert tickets. They wouldn’t have had to drive to New York to beg David Wallace to shut down the branch.
But thank goodness they didn’t have the money at the time.
If they didn’t the Office wouldn’t have had all those classic episodes. The ones where Michael was desperate to save the company so he did amazingly rash things. The ones where Dwight got all power hungry and did whatever it took to become the Regional Manager.
You see a lot of people dream about having a lot of money and that it will solve all their problems. I think quite the opposite. How would I have this super successful bitter blog, if I had all this money? I would be complaining about stupid, unrelatable stuff like why my second vacation to Hawaii this week was canceled. Or why my butler hadn’t fixed the toilet in my 14th bathroom. A few of you ultra rich individuals could relate, but not many.
And hey, Paul Allen died this week. A co-founder of Microsoft, a multi-billionaire and has the same dang fate we all do, which is, no matter how much money you have, you can’t take it with you. And it can’t save you from dying.
So I’ll continue to be a poor sap, writing about my bitter life of wishing I could afford Dwight’s stapler, but knowing that if I bought it, it would staple just the same as the $20 one I got for work.
What do you all think? How did this super random post about The Office Auction devolve into a discussion about money and death? How do my posts start one way and end so differently? What are your feelings about too much money? How would money corrupt/make you better?
Bitter The Office Auction Ben
All I want to do when I go to my son’s football games is to sit there and complain about things. I, of course, want to complain that he isn’t eligible to go to the NFL so I can start living my dream of leaching off someone else and living on the couch 24/7, but most people just laugh that off. If it isn’t complaining about that, it’s another thing like him not making a sack on every play or the weather being too hot or too cold.
What I really want to complain about when I can’t sit and complain and I end up having to volunteer to do something during the game. Let’s be straight. I never voluteerfor anything. I get forcefully volunteered because everyone else outlazies me. It’s really annoying. So this week, I had to hold the chains. You know, the markers that tell the players where the first down is? I’m not a big fan of standing, especially for long periods of time. I find it is counterproductive and against everything I, uh, stand for.
So the whole game, I’m at the mercy of some zebra strip wearing ref telling me what to do, where to stand. Go here, go there, stand there. If there is anything I can’t stand, it’s standing. The other thing I can’t stand is being micromanaged. So, basically this was my nightmare.
At least while being bitter about all this, I got to think about how these 2 Chainz (also a rap group) were like life. It could relate to my marriage. We are connected by the chain. There is a little bit of freedom (around 10 yards worth in any direction), but there is also a connection. Stray too far and you will either get pulled back in by the connection to your wife, or you will break the chain and get whirled out of site, out of mind, and into another abyss.
It also has this allusion to freedom as well. A lot of people have a comfort zone and will usually not stray out of the 10 yards circle. Occasionally a person will break out of the comfort zone and try something completely different, and make something truly great, like Gates, Jobs, or Zuckerberg. For a while. But then they will just be whirrled into a new comfort zone for a while again. Have billions of dollars, but not really stick outside that comfort zone again. People think comfort zones are bad, but in reality, if you didn’t have them, you would basically be a manic running around like a chicken with their heads cut off. No one would ever have a family, a job, or a place to call home. They would be like Matt Damon in The Martian, Sandra Bullock in Gravity or Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence without their tethers to a ship of some kinds. They would be aimlessly wandering the depths of space. So yeah, 2 Chainz can seem pretty confining sometimes, but they also keep us tethered to something too.
Unfortunately they make you do work too, which kind of sucks.
What about you? How do you feel about chains? Are you happy to be tethered to something like a home, family, or job? Or do you prefer wandering out in space more?
Bitter Space Cadet Ben