I Almost Went Blind Bitterness

Why I don’t like sitting in the front row.

I always liked sitting in the back when I was a kid. Still do. I don’t know if it is easier to get away with things or fall asleep easier, or if the leg room is better there, but I’ve never been a front part of the class kind of guy. This is probably why I never did well in class. I also didn’t like to participate. If I am ever to learn anything, it is by osmosis. Actually, I probably never fully learned what osmosis meant either because somehow I thought I could learn that way.

Because I sat in the back all the time, I had to learn how to squint, because even though I thought I had perfect vision, I did not. It was never the worst either, but for years I didn’t wear glasses. I must have mentioned that I couldn’t see very well, or I got tired of not being trendy with the glasses, but I finally got them. I was never a fan of glasses, because they would pinch my eyebrows or give me headaches from wearing them too long. Also, somehow they seemed to get dirty all the time, and I would always have to wipe off all the fingerprints that someone else seemed to get on them.

Can’t do it.

I tried contacts for a hot minute, but those never really took. For some reason, I didn’t like sticking my fingers in my eyeballs, and my wife would spend 10 minutes every morning putting them in my eye. I tired of her telling me, “Open your eyes!” and “Stop blinking!” then I would wear them for certain amount of hours, and she would have to poke my eyeballs again. After a week of that, I was like, “I’ll wear glasses.”

Then I go this amazing opportunity to get lasik, and I took it. I was like if I can hold my eyes open for a few minutes and get that laser to fix me, I’m down. So I got them fixed, and now I have laser eyes. It’s super cool to hit people with it as a reminder not to mess with me. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience which almost took away all that hard work to get my laser vision.

I accidentally saw something in SD. You know, a standard definition program on TV. It was only for a brief millisecond, but I had to turn away before the Standard Definition channel did too much damage.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH my EYYEESSS!

I don’t know what I would have done if I would have stared at that channel for more than a second. That could have ended my ability to watch TV for the rest of my life. All joy would have ceased. My purpose for living. My window to the world would have just been a dark, bleak, blurry storm of bitterness. I’m glad my wife was quick on her feet and changed the channel. That changed my life.

I’ve stared down the sun in an eclipse and stared down the horrors of pitch black, but I’ve never been as scared in my life as I was when looked at Standard Definition.

What about you? How was your experience looking at anything lower than HD?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Standard Def Ben

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F.O.M.S. Bitter Friday Giftures

All day I dream about…well, dreaming. Sometimes I get the feeling that the daytime and the drudgery of life is the dream (or nightmare, depending on how terrible your life is) and the dreaming is the actual real life. All I know, is I want to spend as much time finding out as I can. I daydream about nightdreaming. The night dreaming seems more peaceful and better anyways (most of the time). You get the girl, the promotion with the nice cushy office, you win the lottery and become world famous. Occasionally, you show up naked in a class, but that is only a few minutes a day and you can move on with you dream life pretty easily. A lot of people get upset, frustrated and bitter because they get FOMO, Fear of Missing Out, but not me. I get F.O.M.S. – Fear of Missing Sleep. The nice cushiony bed or couch, the covers over your head to prevent all light from getting in, the works. I don’t want to go places, I want to stay places. Here’s some Bitter Friday Giftures to get you in the sleepy time mood.

I know…

…I miss sleep too.

 

I wanna be…

…where the sleep is.

You are correct…

…sleep has the highest ratings.

The best way…

…to get more sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To…

…”get more sleep of course.”

Yes Yoda…

…and I sense much oldness in you. Sorry, I need more sleep. 

I’m always thinking of you…

…sleep.

This is how I feel…

…when I can’t be around you, sleep.

I miss sleep…

…even more than I miss the point.

I will…

…for one reason only. Sleep.

I do not have that…

…voids are the best place to sleep.

Even I’m bored…

…from all of this.

 

I say it is time to put this blog to bed for the weekend. May you be able to enter the dream world, so you don’t have to deal with the real one. Or hopefully the dream world is the real one, and we don’t have to come back to this one. In that case, enjoy famous Bitter Ben.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter FOMS Ben

Start an MLM

Pretty much how I got that scar.

Ever since I was a 5 year old pushing around my big wheel, I’ve been trying to get people to leave me alone. That day I fell off of my Big Wheel just so I could get a scar on the left side of my jaw so I could appear less approachable. When I was 6, I refused to let my mom brush my hair, so it stuck up like I had put my finger in a light socket. When I was 8, I continued not to use mouthwash. When I was 13, I got braces. When I was 14, I stopped wearing deodorant. When I was 15-45, I used my RBF (resting bitter face).  Now that I’m older, I’ve figured out that headphones work really well….most of the time, for most people. But there are still some pesky people (bosses, extraverts) that haven’t figured out the subtle cues that headphones = leave me alone.

People annoy the heck out of me. People are the ones that invented phones. People are the ones that invented meetings. People have invented shopping malls, concerts, basketball arenas and all kinds of places where people gather. To talk. And discuss things. And get too close to me. They invented cities and traffic jams and door to door salesman, and phones. All so we could connect with each other and interact.

What about the few sane ones like us that just want to be left to our devices? Like our phones (that don’t have that pesky Phone app), our computers, our laptops, TV’s, and our video games? Why do other people always need to bug us about going places? Why do they always ask us where we work, how many people we have in our families, what our hobbies are and where we like to travel?

We just want to be left alone.

Can you just leave me alone?

All those solutions that I mentioned above to keep people away…they are temporary. Social people always find a way around them. It is time for a permanent solution for keeping people out. Ready for this?

Start an MLM. You know what those are right? Multi-level marketing. Pyramid scheme. The shadier the better. If people just won’t leave you alone. Ask them one question, as slyly as possible. Hey, so I just got this really great opportunity to make a ton of money. Have you ever heard of Blankety Blank essential oils? Or this really cool Diet shake that will help you lose hundreds of pounds? It’s amazing. So I’m have this, you know, get together at my house, party if you will, where this weigh loss expert is going to about this really cool non-FDA approved product called Weight For It, and you can start making some fast cash. Wanna come?

How would you like to join our Multi-Level Marketing company? You’ll never see someone run faster from you. 

Get ready for some magic. All of a sudden, people that constantly wanted to talk to you, all of a sudden avoid you in the hallways, sit way away from you in meetings and start treating you like a pariah. I wish I would have learned how to start an MLM when I was a kid. I would have been the lonliest and happiest kid in school.

Your turn. What methods do you use to keep people away from you?

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Pariah Carey Ben

 

Hard Drive Full

No more space.

I hear a legendary quote all the time from Bill Gates “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” It may not be true that he said it, but it’s incredible to consider that at one time all somebody would ever need on their computers was that much space.

I have an old Samsung Galaxy Note 3 which I am working hard to upgrade because it is starting to slow down faster than me, that has 16GB space. My daughter’s older than old, cheaper than cheap phone that couldn’t even store an app except for the ones that came with it and couldn’t even text because she had no keyboard, had 8GB. I have three computers at home, and one at work that are constantly telling me that my hard drive is full. I had a Xbox hard drive with 2TB of space and one game that took almost 40% of that. It’s pretty clear we need more space on our computers.

I’m not a genius like Bill Gates, nor do I have the technical knowledge of a Zuckerberg, but I know that people crave space, or at least I do. My subconscious is continuously telling me to get more space. Even back in high school when I had less knowledge than I do know, I had dreams of places that I knew but that were MUCH bigger. I would dream about my house, but it would have a much larger layout. Same with my high school, the mall, and other people’s houses. I just have a huge need for space. We finally got a house that fits our needs on two floors, but I have this need to finish the basement. I’ve heard when it comes to personal space, American’s need the biggest. Multiply that by 10, and that is how much I need.

We always need more space.

The problem with needing all this space is no matter what we need, we always seem to be able to fill it up. I remember when I got my phone 4 or 5 years ago, I thought for sure I would never use it all. I thought this is double what I need.

I guess I thought that about my brain too. This thing that can help me type, come up with new ideas for blog posts, and remember what my wife tells me to do on the way home occasionally, has somehow been overloaded many times. I keep trying to get an upgrade, but I guess I don’t have enough money. I am continually having to reboot the system (going to sleep, eating), but every day it seems to get more and more bogged down. I think it might be time to dump some memories that I don’t really care about so I can install some new programs, and delete some unnecessary files.

I’m pretty sure I need to forget about homework I did when I was a kid (sorry I can’t help you know kids) as well as anything from high school and junior high (all useless knowledge). I think I can delete most people from my contacts list soon too. People are just a significant drain on the processes. Now I just need to put it in sleep mode more, and I will be a whole new hard drive.

Delete unnecessary files.

What about you guys? What unnecessary files do you need to delete from your files (not Bitter Entertainment Network of course)?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Memory Drain Ben

Cars are the Great Equalizer

I’m an excellent driver.

I’m a great driver. I learned to drive when I was only 14. In South Dakota, where I grew up, you could get a permit when you were 14, and be a full-fledged driver by the time you were 15. In fact, I found it so easy that I would often drive without two hands, sometimes without one. I wasn’t satisfied that driving was a challenge at all until we convinced my dad to let us learn stick shift. I learned it pretty easily and was convinced you aren’t really driving unless you have a stick shift.  I was a bit of a hazard when I was young, but I never got in an accident. In fact, to this day, I still have only been in one, and that was because someone else hit me, because they were going through a red light.

We all have a certain status and stature in life. Sometimes that status is earned, other times it is just because people think you are certain way by judging you, we do. Sometimes you change people’s perception’s and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do about how you are percieved. I think that people’s driving is the great equalizer. No matter what people think about you for whatever reason, you can be someone in a car.

I think I’m confusing you and probably me. What I’m saying is that the tallest, buffest guy in the world could be the careful, gentle driver in the world. On the other hand, you could see the most petite shy girl, with the a petal to the metal mentality. It doesn’t matter people’s status in the world, they could be the biggest jerk in the driving world or the best safest person.

Some people just don’t know how to drive in their own lane.

I used to have a friend that drove 50 in the parking lot and 90 in a 45 once. I’m honestly not sure how he avoided going to jail, or quite frankly the morgue, but he was a speed demon. On the other hand, I had another friend who drove resonably safe, except when it came to following too closely to others. He would literally be inches from the person in front him before he would stop. We never actually hit anyone when he was driving, but a few times my heart almost went through the windshield. My brother once taught a girl he liked “how to drive” and she somehow found a way to flip the car over. Another time when my friend was driving I was in the back seat and I thought it would be funny to jerk his wheel a little. The car drove into a ditch and almost over a cliff.

Cars can be a great equalizer. Just because you see a mom in a minivan right next to you, don’t assume there isn’t a speed demon behind the wheel, that won’t run you down if you cut into her lane.

ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Car Equalizer Be n

Trailer Company

Something that will never come out.

I’ve always loved going to the movies. Ever since I was young, there was something escapist about them. When life make you bitter, go to to a movie and your bitterness will either ratchet up, or go the opposite way. I had some magical moments in movies. The first time I saw the time machine in Back to the Future, the time I saw Ferris Bueller become a cult hero in his own town, or the time I saw John McClane jump off the side of a building with just a hose attached to his waist.

I tried to write my own book a couple years ago, but realized that I don’t like to take so much time to write a story. I don’t have the patience or time to write a 200 page book. I would also like to make films, but don’t think I would have the patience to make an hour and a half long movie. And recently I found out that I don’t like directing other people. The kids I worked with were impatient, bad at listening to directions and surly. No one needs that kind of hassle.

 

Who needs more trailers?

I like how YouTube has created a breeding ground of shorter videos. Movie are great, but so many are such huge disappointments. I don’t know if people are rushing to get them done, they are too expensive, or if millenials don’t like to go to theaters. You know what isn’t a huge disappointment? Movie trailers. I think that really would be a market for people that just wanted to watch trailers. Charge them $.99 to watch them, they can watch them as much as the wanted, and you would never have to make the real film. There is nothing more disappointing than seeing an amazing trailer, and then seeing the movie that follows and not seeing the right scene, or not getting the same music, or just knowing every part of the movie, by the time you see it.

I think I want to start a production company where I just make fake trailers. I would also like to do trailers for my blogs that clearly aren’t ready to be made into feature films, but you could do a trailer for. In addition, I could do other people’s trailers for things they did, just to get some hype for them as well. Either a blog post, a book, or even a social media post. A lot of people nowadays don’t have time to watch a full movie, but they sure do have time for a 2:30 minute trailer.

What do you think? Would you be on board for a trailer company? How much would you like to invest? Who wants to run it for me? When do you want to start paying me for all this?

ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Trailer Ben

Community Friday Bitter Giftures

 

Back in the day when I was blogging on Ben’s Bitter Blog, I finally found a bunch of bitter people that felt as bitter as I was. I was a community where would could share all our bitterness and talk bad about the man. You know, the guy that kept holding us down. I’m trying my minimalist to bring that community back together, but it is not as easy as I thought. Sure most of those people don’t blog anymore, but a lot of the people I used to interact with haven’t found their way back here and that makes me bitter. So in true bitter fashion, I’m going to Friday Gifture about it by posting gifs from Community the TV show, a criminally underrated and poorly rated show. Here goes:

 

We’ve made…

…mistakes together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve been….

…lazy together.

 

We’ve solved…

…mysteries together.

 

We’ve called…

…each other basic.

 

Well I guess we’ve…

…never really high fived before.

 

We’ve definitely…

…had awkward shouting matches.

 

The dance numbers have been kind of…

…non-existent.

 

I’m pretty sure…

…we’ve had a lot of looks like this.

 

We’ve definitely had…

…plot twists.

 

What about all those times…

…when we thought things were cool, but weren’t?

 

It sure was Pierce…

…it sure was.

 

And we are still trying to figure…

…this whole thing out.

 

Let’s hope we can continue to build this community of bitterness and find a way to bring all you akward people to this blog. Cause there is nothing like being able to make a large community of people together and fail.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Community Ben

 

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