As is tradition on this Bitter Blog O’ Mine, I celebrate the birth of bitterness so many years ago by listing on this blog 46 reasons to be bitter, one for every year of my bitter life. It’s a fairly easy thing, because let’s be honest, everything in the world makes me bitter. And since I’ve written over 1000 bitter posts on this on my other blog, the source material is pretty deep. In fact, I could easily just take the titles of years past of posts that I never wrote or finished and easily complete a year’s worth. Sit back, relax, get some popcorn enjoy the bitterfest that is my life.
1. Jobs. Let’s start with the most vexing thing in my life. I can’t get one, and even when I do, I will have to work at one. It’s the worst Catch 22 in the world with only two upsides. Money and some sort of medical benefit…if I get lucky.
2. Fire. It is hot. And it burns. Takes out forests. Maybe that is a good thing. But also
3. Bedtime stories. Has anyone ever finished one? Why would you want to start a movie and not want to finish it?
4. Apple Maps. Seriously, the worst ever at navigating. If I wanted to get lost, I would ask my wife or daughter to give me directions.
5. Escape Games. What is the point of a game that is trying to make me do math and science, just for the pure thrill of not dying?
6. Batteries. They are worse than humans, because their only purpose is to die, but they do it so much faster. We are constantly trying to revive them.
7. Chairs. None of them is ever as comfortable as a bed or a couch. Should we really be doing our hardest work when we are the most uncomfortable?
8. 60 Inch TV’s. Because they aren’t 70 inch, 80 inch or 100 inch TV’s. What is point of a TV smaller than 70 inches?
9. Tree Forts. Vastly inferior to pillow forts and blanket forts. Not only are they outside, but they are in trees, which suck so bad.
10. Hats. So many hats. They always seem to be covering your head, which is kind of rude when you are trying to use your head for thinking and such.
11. Clocktowers. A little outdated if you ask me, because you know, Smart Watches can tell us the time. Or cell phones. The last time one was useful was in 1955, and only because it was struck by lightening.
12. Basement. Particularly mine. It is unfinished. If I wanted something unfinished, I would display my life.
13. Plugins. One more thing that rechargeable batteries depend on, but also have the ability to shock you. Also Glade makes them smell like the forest.
14. Exclamation marks!!! They are the optimists of the punctuation world and just as annoying!!!!
15. Trash. Have to be taken out every single week, smells bad. Expensive. Destroys the environment. Worse than a clingy girl.
16. Oscar the Grouch. Likes the trash, and somehow less bitter than me.
17. Doctors. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as “healers”.
18. Starter packs. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as Pokemon Cards.
19. Pokemon. Basically legal animal fighting disguised as a video game where you have to “Catch Em’ All”.
20. Environment. Just another thing we have to fight about in political battles.
21. Aeration. That yearly spring tradition in which people poke holes in your yard that leave dog crap looking things in your lawn.
22. Buttermilk biscuits. It doesn’t matter if you make them with Buttermilk or add sausage, bacon and cheese, they are dry and the worst kind of bread.
23. Denny’s – Only think of them once a year, and that would be when you want to get a free breakfast on your birthday.
24. Birthday’s – That day when you are forced to talk to people, when they pretend to like you once a year, you get to eat food and cake all day and end up full and tired of people for another year.
25. Controllers. They only control video games, not your kids, co-workers, or your life.
26. Target. Every time I walk in with my red shirt and khaki’s people are always asking me where things are.
27. Philly – Known for booing Santa Claus and having high unsuccessful sports teams, but also putting onions with steaks.
28. Lentils – You thought Biscuits were dry. These are the worst form of the bean family, which is already the lowest form of food.
29. Murder – In real life, we gasp in horror. In Law and Order and all their other sister shows, we crave more of it.
30. Molehill’s – People are always making molehill’s out of ant hills.
31. Breaking the Internet – If you are going to be rude enough to break the internet, could you at least call a repairman to fix it?
32. Blatant Disregard – My favorite kind of regard.
33. Digital Shorts – I understand how you can buy shorts digitally, but how do you wear them digitally?
34. Writer’s Block – Someone thought it would be funny to give me a block of wood for Christmas. Called it a Writer’s Block.
35. Selfie Stick – Someone thought it would be funny to break off a branch from a tree, give it to me for my birthday and told me to hit myselfie with it.
36. Toys R’ US – I’ve kind of been disappointed with the spotty hours they have lately. Seems like they are only open after kids are all asleep?
37. Mad Libs – They would be fun if say, anyone knew what a noun, verb, or adjective was. It would be so much better if we could just make up words.
38. Crowds – Crowds would actually be tolerable if they didn’t involve people, sweatiness, excessive heat and if they were couches.
39. Dreams – The only dreams I have are ones where people are chasing me and I get so exhausted I lay down to take a nap and that guy has a dream.
40. Baseball – Some guy just got paid $440 million to fail at a .335 rate. I fail at only a 40% rate so I’m worth $500 million right?
41. Soundproof Rooms – Sound like a great idea. Why isn’t every room soundproof again?
42. Walmart – When you have the hankering to wait in a long pharmacy line, feel like you are stuck into the back of a trunk, or attend the circus of the strange, take a trip to your local Walmart.
43. Easter Egg Hunts – They keep the kids distracted, but not for near long enough. Also, I can’t seem to wrest enough candy from little kids without making them cry too loudly.
44. Can-Do Attitudes – As one who has a can’t do attitude, I don’t understand how people think they can do things.
45. Headphones – They never quite fit right, but mostly the never seem to keep people from talking to you, even when they are on.
46. Cheat Codes – While they come in handy for gaining unlimited weapons and eternal powers for video game characters, they haven’t given me unlimited coin for stores yet.
This is my gift to you all on this bitterest of occassions where I am a whole lot older than I was yesterday. Comment on which was your least favorite bitter thing on the list or your favorite thing to be bitter about. There is a whole big world out there, so find something that speaks to your bitterness.
Bitter Birthday Musings Ben