Bitter Advent Calendars

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Because I guess I need to countdown all the time before Christmas.

I’ve always had this theory about winter. As you know, at least in the hemisphere, it is the coldest, darkest, windiest and least desired time of year. For most people anyways. When it is dark and cold, most people just want to stay inside. Which is kind of my thing. When everyone else is inside, it makes it kind of crowded and cramps my style. Anyways, back to my point.

My theory is that people would be so depressed if winter were stuck with no holidays. Do you know how awful the longest day of the year, December 22nd or 23rd, wasn’t near Christmas? Do you know how awful the dark, snowy, windy days would be if we had nothing to look forward to like Christmas? Do you know how bad it would be if kids didn’t have any vacation in December to enjoy the snow and bitter cold? It would be pretty dark indeed.

How I’d like to set up my tree.

All I know is that it gets kind of crazy around here on December 1st. It was Saturday this year, and my wife and kids were all in a huff about putting up decorations, setting up the tree, putting up ornaments and playing loud Christmas music. If that wasn’t enough, there were the Advent Calendars. So many advent calendars. I don’t know any other time of year that we are so interested in counting down, but Christmas is one of those crazy obsessive times. If only there were an advent calendar for when we go on our cruise or when we win our billion dollars. If I just come up with an advent calendar for that, will they only appear at the end? I’m not sure how they work, but I think that is how they work with Christmas. You count down, and all of a sudden a bunch of presents appear under your tree.

When I was young, we had an old Coke bottle crate that we used to count down, and my mom used old plastic toys to fill an old candy box with the things. In our house now, they have like four different ones that we hang on the walls. One is filled with chocolate, another is filled with candy canes, a third is my daughter’s filled with new kinds of lipstick, and the final one is filled with these words on a card. On the card, we have to read it and then do it. We have to do things like “say nice things to someone” or “return a cart.” I don’t what kind of spirit this is, but it seems like the opposite of what I want to do.

The bitter advent calendar.

I think it is time for a bitter advent calendar in which we do things that either make us bitter or someone else. Who else is with me? I know a bunch of things that we could fill the Bitter Advent calendar with. Give someone an exaggerated eye roll. Unfollow someone on Instagram. Cut in line in front of someone at a black Friday sale. Forget to put away your socks. Forget to fill the gas tank. I’m pretty sure I could come up with a 365 a day advent calendar. Why are these not a thing?

What kind of advent calendar do you want? What kind of things would you add to my Bitter Advent Calendar?

Bitter Advent of the Ben

I’ve tasked my wife with coming up with a Target Deal of the Day. She will find you some of the coolest things to get you or your bitter loved ones for Christmas or other occasions when you are forced to get someone a gift or just want to greedily get something for yourself.

Target Deal of the Day:

Men’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Rainbow Unicorn

Also, sign up to get the Target card to save 5% off all your purchases.


12 Comments on “Bitter Advent Calendars

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