My Bitter Kryptonite

For me, Kryptonite makes my eyes bug out and causes me to say things like “Fantastic.”

As a 16/7 user of WordPress, I not only blog, but I spy on read other people’s blogs, whenever I am not writing or thinking about writing things about bitterness.   I used to go to websites like ESPN and IGN.com, but ever since being on WordPress, I don’t go to them much anymore. If WordPress gets more money for every minute people are on their site, they should be making at least a thousand dollars by now.   In my observations of other blogs, I have noticed a small number of blogs about people being how shall we call it, nice.  In fact, there are certain readers/followers of mine who are trying to convert me into being the opposite flavor, sweet.   I laugh in their bitter direction.  Though I am not talented in any other way, I have a strong ability to be bitter.  In fact, you could call me the Superman of Bitterness.  Or you can just let me call myself that.  Whatever makes you most bitter.  However, just like Superman, I have a weakness.  Let’s call it my Bitternyte.

Best way to chop an onion? Don’t have them in anything you eat. Put them in the garbage and let mice eat them and cry.

What makes me weak in my bitter heart is onions. Why is it that every sub sandwich or hamburger at McDonald’s or casserole that I am forcefed has onions? I mean really, how is it that people continue to eat a (fruit? vegetable? dairy? What is an onion?) thing that makes you cry when you cut it? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t it be the onion that is crying when it gets cut? I just don’t understand the texture, the flavor, or the bad breath it leaves behind. They make me spit every time I taste one. Whatever you do, don’t stick one of those things in my hamburger or I will go weak in the knees and confess that I am really a nice guy. Are you freaking kidding me? You think onions are my weakness? You are more gullible than I thought!

Fans may look innocent with their “cool” appearance, but they really just want to send you to your doom.

Actually, it is fans. They are sneaky little things. People think fans are awesome during the summer because they keep everything from rooms to cars to video games to TV’s to computers cool, so electronics and humans don’t overheat. But have you watched a movie lately? Whenever a bad guy is on a plane, they always seem to get sucked into a fan. And the fan doesn’t even care afterward. They just keep moving. In fact, when you turn a fan off, it doesn’t immediately obey. It will stop…eventually, but slowly and on its own time. And don’t get me started on fans of celebrities. Have you seen Justin Beiber fans? They would still love him even if he broke into their house, stole all their Beiber posters and ripped them up right in their faces. They are crazy. But, really, you think fans are my Kryptonite? You are as crazy as a Beiber Fan.

Mt. Rainier. So majestic, so innocent, so peaceful, so ready to release its destructive lava upon your village.

 

Okay, fine I will tell you my Kryptonite. It is really mountains. They are deceitfully majestic, especially when snow-capped. There is a mountain near where I used to live called Mt. Rainier. It was pretty far from me, about 50 miles or so (cause I have been there never) and on a clear day, you could see it from my house. In fact, it is one of the only things you can see from space besides Disney World when you are on the moon(not a fact). The problem is that there were no clear days when living in Seattle, so you could never see it. So if you are an ambitious, (which I am not), you can endeavor to climb it. Did you know that if you get close enough to a mountain, you will realize that they are just made up of rocks and dirt and snow? Freakin deceitful jerks! Also if you climb them, you start to choke from lack of air. And some of them even store lava in them and unleash the lava on unsuspecting climbers pretty much whenever they feel like it. And if you jump off one of its cliffs, you will also meet your demise. Mountains are the venus fly traps of rock formations. Also just big jerks. And not my kryptonite.

So you are probably wondering what my weakness is, the thing that makes me not bitter. And you probably thought that I was going to tell you. Ha, Wrong! Have a bitter day, people.

Arrrrgggghhhh

Bitter Kryptonite Ben

Actually, my Kryptonite is….(shoot I ran out of ink!)

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6 Comments on “My Bitter Kryptonite

  1. Unlike you, Ben, I am a sweet guy. I take pride in my sweetness and other than my humility, it is my best quality – but get a freak’n beet near me – and I turn green, my arms swell, my seams pop, I get all hairy and crazy. In this state, I’ve been known to head-butt oncoming traffic and came out the better.

    So yeah, we all our triggers. 🙂

    Like

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