The Many Faces of Bitter Ben

How I imagine Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is always kind of a weird contradiction for me. Pretty much since I was young, I’ve always had the Thursday and Friday off. That makes for pretty much the longest vacation of the year, including Christmas right? The whole idea of not working for 4 days sounds like a dream for a lazy person like me right? While my imagination is dancing with the possibilities of laying on the couch, watching TV and having things handed to me sounds super fun right?

Where I actually end up on Thanksgiving.

The problems are that dreams of things and actual things are two…different things. Most of the time, you have to spend Thanksgiving with people that like, you know, are family. The problem with that is they are usually the ones that get on your nerves the most. So these people that you actively spend time trying to avoid most of the year, all of a sudden pretend to be thankful for you and invite you to their house to eat food. The problem with that is that the food is usually turkey or stuffing. I guess that is okay, but the last time I checked, turkey isn’t pizza. Then there is the whole Black Friday thing that is basically you going to stores that are crowded with the other least favorite thing. People.

People are the worst on a good day. But when you give them a low price and vacation, and a little bit of money, and a holiday that almost requires you to empty your life savings to give gifts to people that won’t appreciate, then you have humanity at its worst.

I’m not non-verbal. I try to say words every once in a while just to let people know I say words. But you will always be able to tell more about me from my face than you will ever hear from my mouth. If you don’t read face very well, learn it. It is a very valuable skill, especially if you are married.

It especially comes in handy when you are dealing with these people creatures. While they sometimes tell you what they want or need, it is pretty rare that they will actually outright tell you. This is where the detective part comes in. Since I am so hard to read, and most of my story is determined by my facial expressions, I know other people’s pretty well.

If you see me smiling extra big, you are annoying the crap out of me. I don’t ever smile. What is there to smile about?

If you see me looking up or away, you know I don’t want to talk to you. That means either I don’t care what you are saying, or you lost me a few miles back in the conversation. Stop talking to me immediately and focus your attention on someone who cares.

If you see me looking at the TV,  just move on. There is nothing you can do at this point. My focus is solely on that, and nothing you say or do will be able to get my focus back.

If you see me walking fast, avoid trying to tell me something, because I don’t walk fast, and that means I’m trying to get the heck out of there.

If you see this, be ready to be shamed on social media.

If you see my eyes roll, it is a regular day and an ordinary moment. It also means that I’ve zoned out and have concentrated on how I’m going to humiliate you on social media for what you said. The bigger the eye roll, the more public the social media.

Those are just a few of the facial expressions you will meet when you…uh meet me.

Unfortunately, you won’t get all of them. You have to be a better detective to find out the rest.

What are some of your facial expressions? Which ones should people run screaming in horror when they see them?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Facial Expression Ben

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12 Comments on “The Many Faces of Bitter Ben

      • I have often wondered over the years about my facial expressions. At some point, the speaking with my face is likely going to end up finding someone who speaks with their fists, and that is not going to be good for my expression or my face…I hope you don’t meet the same fate either.

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  1. I try really hard to just have a blank expression and nod occasionally. I always want to be polite but convey that I’m really not interested.

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