It seems like every time we have a huge jackpot in the MegaMillions or the Powerball, I have the need to write about it. I can see why the lottery is a national obsession. It’s not that I think about it all the time. In fact, I’ve only actually played it once. Didn’t win. All I know is that for a few days, whenever it goes to some ginormous amount, I can’t help but think what I would do.
We all do. It is a natural tendency for all of us to think about what we would do if we have more money than we could ever spend. Some of us say it wouldn’t change us. We would still go to our job, we would still live in the same house and drive the same car. Those people are called either insane or liars. No matter how down to earth, humble or grounded you are, your life will change. It may be much better or worse, but it isn’t staying the same. Almost everyone would get a new car, a new house and a whole slew of new friends and admirers.
I honestly wondered last night if some millionaires and even billionaires went out and bought a ticket or 10. It might be out of just pure jealousy that someone instantly become richer than them and by a large margin. Imagine a Kardashian realizing that their $350 million value was all of sudden dwarfed by someone who might have been a hillbilly in South Carolina and didn’t sleep their way into doing nothing and earning a lot of money and fame. Imagine their jealousy.
Now I imagine what I would do with it. I think the first thing I would do is deal with my enemies and leaches that would try to get my money. I would buy an island somewhere in the Specific Ocean and just put all of them there. Then I would put $1 million in an account controlled by some really tight, penny-pinching lawyer that would make the decisions on who got any money from me.
Next, I would find the biggest custom couch in the history of the world. The kind that would need a map to find the center and a nap every hour to get out of. Then I would buy the biggest TV made just so I could see it from the couch. In my spare time, I would start destroying Disney from the inside. Destroy “It’s a Small World” ride, sell food in the parks for way less than Disney is, and then start making DC quality movies in Marvel movies. I would put George Lucas in charge of writing the Star Wars movies but letting Micheal Bay direct them.
I would buy the word Bitter from whoever owns it (right now Burger King owns Bitter.com) and also I would by the name Ben. I would also buy the word hashtag and return that back to being called pound sign, so no one could ever hashtag again without paying a hefty fine. Oh, and of course, I would give the rest to charities that opposed Disney.
What about you all? Any plans for the billion dollars? Or would you just “give it all to charity” and not change your life at all?
Bitter Lottery Loser Ben