Ever since I was a 5 year old pushing around my big wheel, I’ve been trying to get people to leave me alone. That day I fell off of my Big Wheel just so I could get a scar on the left side of my jaw so I could appear less approachable. When I was 6, I refused to let my mom brush my hair, so it stuck up like I had put my finger in a light socket. When I was 8, I continued not to use mouthwash. When I was 13, I got braces. When I was 14, I stopped wearing deodorant. When I was 15-45, I used my RBF (resting bitter face). Now that I’m older, I’ve figured out that headphones work really well….most of the time, for most people. But there are still some pesky people (bosses, extraverts) that haven’t figured out the subtle cues that headphones = leave me alone.
People annoy the heck out of me. People are the ones that invented phones. People are the ones that invented meetings. People have invented shopping malls, concerts, basketball arenas and all kinds of places where people gather. To talk. And discuss things. And get too close to me. They invented cities and traffic jams and door to door salesman, and phones. All so we could connect with each other and interact.
What about the few sane ones like us that just want to be left to our devices? Like our phones (that don’t have that pesky Phone app), our computers, our laptops, TV’s, and our video games? Why do other people always need to bug us about going places? Why do they always ask us where we work, how many people we have in our families, what our hobbies are and where we like to travel?
We just want to be left alone.
All those solutions that I mentioned above to keep people away…they are temporary. Social people always find a way around them. It is time for a permanent solution for keeping people out. Ready for this?
Start an MLM. You know what those are right? Multi-level marketing. Pyramid scheme. The shadier the better. If people just won’t leave you alone. Ask them one question, as slyly as possible. Hey, so I just got this really great opportunity to make a ton of money. Have you ever heard of Blankety Blank essential oils? Or this really cool Diet shake that will help you lose hundreds of pounds? It’s amazing. So I’m have this, you know, get together at my house, party if you will, where this weigh loss expert is going to about this really cool non-FDA approved product called Weight For It, and you can start making some fast cash. Wanna come?
Get ready for some magic. All of a sudden, people that constantly wanted to talk to you, all of a sudden avoid you in the hallways, sit way away from you in meetings and start treating you like a pariah. I wish I would have learned how to start an MLM when I was a kid. I would have been the lonliest and happiest kid in school.
Your turn. What methods do you use to keep people away from you?
Bitter Pariah Carey Ben