Start an MLM

Pretty much how I got that scar.

Ever since I was a 5 year old pushing around my big wheel, I’ve been trying to get people to leave me alone. That day I fell off of my Big Wheel just so I could get a scar on the left side of my jaw so I could appear less approachable. When I was 6, I refused to let my mom brush my hair, so it stuck up like I had put my finger in a light socket. When I was 8, I continued not to use mouthwash. When I was 13, I got braces. When I was 14, I stopped wearing deodorant. When I was 15-45, I used my RBF (resting bitter face).Β  Now that I’m older, I’ve figured out that headphones work really well….most of the time, for most people. But there are still some pesky people (bosses, extraverts) that haven’t figured out the subtle cues that headphones = leave me alone.

People annoy the heck out of me. People are the ones that invented phones. People are the ones that invented meetings. People have invented shopping malls, concerts, basketball arenas and all kinds of places where people gather. To talk. And discuss things. And get too close to me. They invented cities and traffic jams and door to door salesman, and phones. All so we could connect with each other and interact.

What about the few sane ones like us that just want to be left to our devices? Like our phones (that don’t have that pesky Phone app), our computers, our laptops, TV’s, and our video games? Why do other people always need to bug us about going places? Why do they always ask us where we work, how many people we have in our families, what our hobbies are and where we like to travel?

We just want to be left alone.

Can you just leave me alone?

All those solutions that I mentioned above to keep people away…they are temporary. Social people always find a way around them. It is time for a permanent solution for keeping people out. Ready for this?

Start an MLM. You know what those are right? Multi-level marketing. Pyramid scheme. The shadier the better. If people just won’t leave you alone. Ask them one question, as slyly as possible. Hey, so I just got this really great opportunity to make a ton of money. Have you ever heard of Blankety Blank essential oils? Or this really cool Diet shake that will help you lose hundreds of pounds? It’s amazing. So I’m have this, you know, get together at my house, party if you will, where this weigh loss expert is going to about this really cool non-FDA approved product called Weight For It, and you can start making some fast cash. Wanna come?

How would you like to join our Multi-Level Marketing company? You’ll never see someone run faster from you.Β 

Get ready for some magic. All of a sudden, people that constantly wanted to talk to you, all of a sudden avoid you in the hallways, sit way away from you in meetings and start treating you like a pariah. I wish I would have learned how to start an MLM when I was a kid. I would have been the lonliest and happiest kid in school.

Your turn. What methods do you use to keep people away from you?

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Pariah Carey Ben

 

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25 Comments on “Start an MLM

  1. Have you tried joining the Jehovah’s witnesses? That seems like a great way to get people to avoid you.
    I think I might grab one of their magazines and keep it in my pocket to take out and peruse when I want some quiet time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great plan! My husband and I once got invited over to the house of one of his colleagues on a pretense. The real reason we were there was so they could try and get us involved in a pyramid scheme selling jewelry. We couldn’t get out of there fast enough!!

    Like

    • Yeah, I basically lost a friend, because they invited me to sign up for video phones. First of all I was like, ever heard of Skype? And second, I was like really? How dare you pretend to invite me to your phone party. I hate phones with a passion! (At least talking on them.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Brilliant. Although I find launching into a detailed description of Irritable Bowel Syndrome symptoms works equally as well in social situations. “Hello, my name is ___ . Could you please speak up? I can’t hear you over my rumbling gut.” They’ll run for the door. Trust me on this.

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  4. I want to be left alone too! I just stay away from any and all social gatherings, avoid eye contact at all cost, I don’t take phone calls or video chat requests, and I go the opposite direction if I see someone who looks like they’re going to approach me! Works most of the time, without extreme measures. πŸ˜‰

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    • That is nice, but seems like a lot of work (posing with a your presence pains me look is work), but an MLM friend is a former friend and that is a permanent solution I’m looking for.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: *Press it* Start an MLM #51 | Its good to be crazy Sometimes

  6. Talking constantly about Denmark has been pretty effective for me. I think you can easily replace “Denmark” with pretty much any other subject, but my advice for an effortless and totally successful repulsion would be to choose something you really really like (therefore you’ll have no problem blabering about it relentlessly) and that most people know very little of (People usually think it is cool you have such an unusual passion at first, but after a while, they all give you the “who gives a f*ck about (write your obsession here)?” roll of the eyes!)

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    • That is a good idea, but it takes a lot of groundwork, and time and quite frankly a lot of talking, which I don’t have a lot of in me. MLM’s are a surefire way to scare people away with just a few words and works quite permanently.

      Like

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