Late Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve always been someone who has been on time. And when I say on time I mean early. Nobody can stand to be late more than me. Unless it is to something that is optional like a party. Then I will show up as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Remember Jim from the Office. He always made sure that whenever there was some sort of party with people from the office, he would do his best to ditch? That is me, but with any party. I do my minimum and then dash. Nobody has time for socializing. Also, nobody has any time to either write or read blog posts on Friday, thus the reason why the Bitter Friday Giftures was born. Fewer words, more moving pictures. Okay, I’ve done my minimum word count so we can finally get to the Giftures.

You know what is really hard? Walking…

…you know what is even harder? Walking on skis, up a hill.

 

These ramps were made for jumping…

…and blocking.

You know you are unlovable….

…when even duct tape won’t even hold you.

This is why you assign a task to your kids…

…for that chance that someday they get internet famous. 

What is a brother for…

…if not to help his brother disappear into the middle of the earth.

Pretty much the way…

…I hula hoop.

When your mom asks you…

…to bring the fine china to the table.

How I feel every day…

…I get to work.

How I feel every time I’m on the treadmill…

…just kidding I’m never on the treadmill.

Walking on the sand…

…is really hard.

Sitting is also…

…really hard.

And jumping is well…

…really hard.

 

My suggestion? Just don’t do anything. Everything is hard. Just sit on your couch and avoid things, because if you don’t, I will find a way to record all your mishaps and get them on this blog.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Friday Giftures Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Speaking of being lazy, today’s Target Deal of the Day is something that will help even the laziest of people at least do one thing to make their house clean. That’s right, the IRobot, which is a robot that vacuums the house for you. Can it get any easier? Probably not. $70 off, people.

Here is a picture of the beautiful vacuum of laziness.

Advertisements

Soft Water and Sales

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

What I do when I get near people.

I’ve never been a big fan of people. They are always so disappointing. In fact, they are the reason why I started blogging in the first place. Back in 2013 I was in like year 12 of working at my old company and super tired of taking phone calls. What I found out was that one phone call could ruin my day faster than Thanos could snap half the universe. I could cruise along the day and answer people’s calls to their satisfaction all day, and then that ONE LAST CALL at the end of the day would show up and a person would be yelling at me for something that someone else did and it would ruin my day. Those rude people still burn in my memories and I can’t help but be forever bitter. So I decided that I needed the kind of blog that would allow me to complain about everything that made me bitter.

For all those reasons above, no matter how much money I could make, I will never do sales. I despise being told no all the time. I know the salespeople at my company make more money than a lot of athletes, but I don’t care. I would rather be the Joker and have burn that huge pile of money than ever be a salesperson.

I need one of these door knockers.

So yesterday I was reminded why I don’t like salespeople. Tuesday is the busiest day at work and at my house. My wife was quickly telling me instructions on what she was doing, what I needed to do and getting things sorted out as she quickly headed out the door. In the chaos, the doorbell rang, and some random dude was at our door. He had a little notepad and started telling me that he was out telling people that they were doing free water testing. Normally, my radar would have been highly suspicious, but in the chaos and with the wording he used, he made it seem like it was something the HOA was doing as a service. When I asked, “Oh so this is something the HOA is doing?” he didn’t really deny it, so I figured it was just some quick thing they would do.

My wife stared a dagger at me, which I should have immediately recognized as the sign that I screwed up, but I was buying the story. Needless to say, the appointment later turned out to be an hour long pitch to sell us water softener’s, which you know, I didn’t know I needed, but was convinced by the end that I did need. Unfortunately, I don’t have $4000 to buy one, because you know, Black Friday just decimated us.

The problem is that I liked the guy that was trying to sell it to us. In some alternate universe, I think we could have been friends. But I feel like he wasted my time, I wasted his time and ultimately the transaction of time was a big waste for everyone. Sales tends to do that. People know what they need. When they need it they get it on Amazon. Sales is like this big, random, game of one side trying their hardest to get rid of the salesman, while the other side is the salesman trying their hardest to stay and ultimately sell something that a person doesn’t really need.

I’m tired of the games, salespeople.

I’m done with that game.

What are your thoughts about salespeople? The ultimate bitterness? Or are you a salesman and have to play that game everyday?

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter SoftWater Ben

Target Deal of the Day: Have a Harry Potter LegoManiac in your family? Perhaps a child or grandchild, niece or nephew that loves Hogwarts? Here is the Whomping Willow!

Get it for 10% off if you buy it today!

Kid Points

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Brilliant ideas.

You know how see this brilliant idea and you either should have thought about it yourself, or you already did, and now it is too late because someone is already making money off of it? I’ve had a few big ideas come up that were then stolen or taken before I had a chance to do something about them. When I was in college, we had to invent something and then go through the process of presenting it to the class. It had to be a relatively good idea, so that one could reasonably expect that it could be invented with the right amount of money or resources.

My idea for moving sidewalks everywhere, while a great idea, probably couldn’t work without trillions of dollars to invest. So I threw in the only other idea I could think of which was for shoes. I felt like you could make custom shoes. You walk into a store, they have this machine in which you stick your foot, measure it precisely, you tell it what you want it to look like, and then you get your custom shoes. Come to find out at least two companies have used that idea. Nike uses the custom part where you can choose the color and shape, etc. to make a shoe just how you want it. And Dr. Scholes has a machine that you can stick your foot in to get a custom shaped orthotic. There is a quote that is something like “don’t sit on an idea that you have, because someone is also thinking of it and is acting on it right now.” Pretty much.

Kids points? Check.

Anyways, my kids came up with this idea on their own to start rewarding themselves “Kid Points.” It is a brilliant idea that my wife and I should have thought of first, but I didn’t and quite honestly, am not so upset about. In fact, the best part about it is that because they made it up, they basically govern themselves. They are the ones that say, “If I do the dishes, do I get 10 Kid points?”. To which we obviously replied, “Of course, but only if they are sparkling clean.”

They are now jumping at the chance to do things. They are also cowering in fear when the mention of kid points being taken away. We just got a dry erase board, so we now have a place to put their kid’s points on display. They want to do good things so they can get points. They are deciding what is worth 5 and what is worth 10. They want to do chores for those extra points. They want to do homework again. They want to listen when we say it is time to get off the games and when it is time to go to bed. It’s almost like they are using the points to grow up because when you reach a certain age, you start doing things with the goal of “I need to go to bed because if I stay up later, I will not feel good at work the next day.”

And that is why for once I’m glad I didn’t come up with the idea.

What brilliant ideas have you come up with that have been stolen (or that I can steal?) What brilliant ideas have worked to get your kids to do stuff?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Kid Points Ben

Don’t forget the Target Deal O’ the Day specifically curated by my wife. She has great taste. Except in husbands.

Today’s Special: Fitbit Versa SmartWatch with small and Large Bands. See the beautiful watch below.

Bitter Advent Calendars

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Because I guess I need to countdown all the time before Christmas.

I’ve always had this theory about winter. As you know, at least in the hemisphere, it is the coldest, darkest, windiest and least desired time of year. For most people anyways. When it is dark and cold, most people just want to stay inside. Which is kind of my thing. When everyone else is inside, it makes it kind of crowded and cramps my style. Anyways, back to my point.

My theory is that people would be so depressed if winter were stuck with no holidays. Do you know how awful the longest day of the year, December 22nd or 23rd, wasn’t near Christmas? Do you know how awful the dark, snowy, windy days would be if we had nothing to look forward to like Christmas? Do you know how bad it would be if kids didn’t have any vacation in December to enjoy the snow and bitter cold? It would be pretty dark indeed.

How I’d like to set up my tree.

All I know is that it gets kind of crazy around here on December 1st. It was Saturday this year, and my wife and kids were all in a huff about putting up decorations, setting up the tree, putting up ornaments and playing loud Christmas music. If that wasn’t enough, there were the Advent Calendars. So many advent calendars. I don’t know any other time of year that we are so interested in counting down, but Christmas is one of those crazy obsessive times. If only there were an advent calendar for when we go on our cruise or when we win our billion dollars. If I just come up with an advent calendar for that, will they only appear at the end? I’m not sure how they work, but I think that is how they work with Christmas. You count down, and all of a sudden a bunch of presents appear under your tree.

When I was young, we had an old Coke bottle crate that we used to count down, and my mom used old plastic toys to fill an old candy box with the things. In our house now, they have like four different ones that we hang on the walls. One is filled with chocolate, another is filled with candy canes, a third is my daughter’s filled with new kinds of lipstick, and the final one is filled with these words on a card. On the card, we have to read it and then do it. We have to do things like “say nice things to someone” or “return a cart.” I don’t what kind of spirit this is, but it seems like the opposite of what I want to do.

The bitter advent calendar.

I think it is time for a bitter advent calendar in which we do things that either make us bitter or someone else. Who else is with me? I know a bunch of things that we could fill the Bitter Advent calendar with. Give someone an exaggerated eye roll. Unfollow someone on Instagram. Cut in line in front of someone at a black Friday sale. Forget to put away your socks. Forget to fill the gas tank. I’m pretty sure I could come up with a 365 a day advent calendar. Why are these not a thing?

What kind of advent calendar do you want? What kind of things would you add to my Bitter Advent Calendar?

Bitter Advent of the Ben

I’ve tasked my wife with coming up with a Target Deal of the Day. She will find you some of the coolest things to get you or your bitter loved ones for Christmas or other occasions when you are forced to get someone a gift or just want to greedily get something for yourself.

Target Deal of the Day:

Men’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Rainbow Unicorn

Also, sign up to get the Target card to save 5% off all your purchases.

 

My Bitter Kryptonite

For me, Kryptonite makes my eyes bug out and causes me to say things like “Fantastic.”

As a 16/7 user of WordPress, I not only blog, but I spy on read other people’s blogs, whenever I am not writing or thinking about writing things about bitterness.   I used to go to websites like ESPN and IGN.com, but ever since being on WordPress, I don’t go to them much anymore. If WordPress gets more money for every minute people are on their site, they should be making at least a thousand dollars by now.   In my observations of other blogs, I have noticed a small number of blogs about people being how shall we call it, nice.  In fact, there are certain readers/followers of mine who are trying to convert me into being the opposite flavor, sweet.   I laugh in their bitter direction.  Though I am not talented in any other way, I have a strong ability to be bitter.  In fact, you could call me the Superman of Bitterness.  Or you can just let me call myself that.  Whatever makes you most bitter.  However, just like Superman, I have a weakness.  Let’s call it my Bitternyte.

Best way to chop an onion? Don’t have them in anything you eat. Put them in the garbage and let mice eat them and cry.

What makes me weak in my bitter heart is onions. Why is it that every sub sandwich or hamburger at McDonald’s or casserole that I am forcefed has onions? I mean really, how is it that people continue to eat a (fruit? vegetable? dairy? What is an onion?) thing that makes you cry when you cut it? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t it be the onion that is crying when it gets cut? I just don’t understand the texture, the flavor, or the bad breath it leaves behind. They make me spit every time I taste one. Whatever you do, don’t stick one of those things in my hamburger or I will go weak in the knees and confess that I am really a nice guy. Are you freaking kidding me? You think onions are my weakness? You are more gullible than I thought!

Fans may look innocent with their “cool” appearance, but they really just want to send you to your doom.

Actually, it is fans. They are sneaky little things. People think fans are awesome during the summer because they keep everything from rooms to cars to video games to TV’s to computers cool, so electronics and humans don’t overheat. But have you watched a movie lately? Whenever a bad guy is on a plane, they always seem to get sucked into a fan. And the fan doesn’t even care afterward. They just keep moving. In fact, when you turn a fan off, it doesn’t immediately obey. It will stop…eventually, but slowly and on its own time. And don’t get me started on fans of celebrities. Have you seen Justin Beiber fans? They would still love him even if he broke into their house, stole all their Beiber posters and ripped them up right in their faces. They are crazy. But, really, you think fans are my Kryptonite? You are as crazy as a Beiber Fan.

Mt. Rainier. So majestic, so innocent, so peaceful, so ready to release its destructive lava upon your village.

 

Okay, fine I will tell you my Kryptonite. It is really mountains. They are deceitfully majestic, especially when snow-capped. There is a mountain near where I used to live called Mt. Rainier. It was pretty far from me, about 50 miles or so (cause I have been there never) and on a clear day, you could see it from my house. In fact, it is one of the only things you can see from space besides Disney World when you are on the moon(not a fact). The problem is that there were no clear days when living in Seattle, so you could never see it. So if you are an ambitious, (which I am not), you can endeavor to climb it. Did you know that if you get close enough to a mountain, you will realize that they are just made up of rocks and dirt and snow? Freakin deceitful jerks! Also if you climb them, you start to choke from lack of air. And some of them even store lava in them and unleash the lava on unsuspecting climbers pretty much whenever they feel like it. And if you jump off one of its cliffs, you will also meet your demise. Mountains are the venus fly traps of rock formations. Also just big jerks. And not my kryptonite.

So you are probably wondering what my weakness is, the thing that makes me not bitter. And you probably thought that I was going to tell you. Ha, Wrong! Have a bitter day, people.

Arrrrgggghhhh

Bitter Kryptonite Ben

Actually, my Kryptonite is….(shoot I ran out of ink!)

Crushed Knees Bitter Friday Giftures

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

As much of a temptation as it is to want to attend your daughter’s junior high play, don’t succumb to it. Yeah, the production values are top notch, and the acting is Hollywood ready, but there is one glaring flaw in the system that not everyone talks about. The seats are made for 7th graders that haven’t quite developed what we in the industry like to call “height”. It’s fine for a play that you know, didn’t sell out, which allows you to put your knees over a chair and at least semi-comfortably relax your long legs over the seat in front of you. But in the last night of the play, where hoards of people finally decide to come, you have to sit with your knees crushed up against this super hard plastic and metal for 2 hours can break not only your knees but your spirit. There is nothing more uncomfortable than listening to a junior high kids high notes whilst navagating a way to ignore the pain of your already sore knees. My advice: have someone film the play so you can enjoy the play from your HDTV and comfortable couch. Here is some more advice: Look at these Bitter Friday Giftures from the comfort of your couch and HDTV as well.

When we say fetch…

…some people go a little overboard.

When we want out baby to spoon with us…

…this isn’t what we mean.

Remember when you dance...

…always remember to be a gashole.

When you fall…

 

…make sure to milk it for all it is worth.

No wonder…

…we like bacon so much.

Her ability to handle that fire extinguisher…

…blows me away.

Sometimes…

…geyser so stupid.

Dude, I got this…

…abort, abort…

Don’t mess with the glass…

…cause the glass always wins.

Don’t you hate…

…the railing failings?

Being on set…

…is a lot harder than it looks.

I just want to thank these guys so much…

…for coming up with the worst idea ever.

I definitely would pay a lot of money for a show that included all these people doing these things live. I would not pay good money however, if their seats were all pushed together so I had to sit uncomfortably. Just remember, for a performance, make sure the guest feels as comfortable as possible. IE make sure that everyone has a comfortable couch to sit on, or we will sit at home.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Performance Uncomfortability Ben

 

Target is having a sale on bedding and bath through tomorrow. Try this fantastic shelf for your bathroom from Target for your wife for Christmas.

Adulting 101

Total 80’s moment. A Transformers cassette tape listening to a boom box.

My love for the Transformers started in 5th grade. I was living a sad existence up to that point until I saw this cartoon on TV that had robots that changed into cars and things. It pretty much blew my mind, and for three years, I followed the adventures of the Autobots and Decepticons until I could no longer find them on TV anymore. If Transformers started in the modern day, we never would have had the Transformers Dark Period (1989-2007), where they left the mainstream until 2007 when the first movie came out. Back in the 80’s all you had was reruns and the VCR. If I were smart enough, I would have recorded all the episodes on VCR tapes, but sadly I wasn’t much of a forward thinker back then.

I remember talking about the Transformers when I was in 7th grade, and I got my biggest wake-up call probably ever. I even remember the person’s name who said it to me and resenting him to this day. Basically, he said, “We are in seventh grade, man. Transformers are a kids toy.” He might as well have punched me in the gut because it was the first instance of someone telling me that I had to grow up and that I was “too old” for something. Of course, I ignored him, still do. For some reason, people think that we are supposed to grow up at a certain age in our lives, and it is their responsibility to tell us when.

I’ve always kind of been a manchild. I was one of the first people ever to get the Atari 2600, the NES, and the Game Boy. Kids these days have no idea how revolutionary it is to even have video games in their house. I lived in a time when you had to go to an arcade and a stack of quarters just to play Super Mario Bros. Nowadays, you can get that game in a hundred different ways. In fact, you can even get the game inside another game. I still get jazzed about Transformers, video games and animated cartoons. Now they are a lot smarter, have a lot more story and even more heart.

Having to deal with things is the worst.

All I know is that there is this new phenomenon called Adulting. Because games, comics, movies and other pop culture can be so involved and time-consuming, people are getting to the point where adulting (doing simple adult things like paying their bills, raising their children, going grocery shopping) can be a difficult thing to do. Thankfully, I have a wife that is very responsible and hasn’t gotten too wrapped up in anything pop culture that takes her away from doing adult things. If it wasn’t for that, I’m sure my parents would still be calling me telling me that I have to cook every once in a while, and I need to stop getting overdrafts on my account.

More and more people are expressing their inability to do adult things. I can only imagine it is going to get worse. I honestly think that my generation will be the first one that will require video game consoles in our retirement communities.

What do you think about adulting? It is difficult for you? What things do you have trouble doing even now as adults?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Adulting Ben

One Up Man Ship

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

 

When I say, I ran in track, what I meant is that I fell in track.

 

I was a rather unextraordinary student in high school. I did as much as I could to not stand out at all. I played a little basketball and ran a little track, but only because my parents insisted. After my sophomore year, when you had to try out to make the team, I tried out, but I didn’t really “try.” I ended up puking when I tried out for basketball, so I was pretty sure I didn’t make that team.

It wasn’t until college that I finally found my tribe. I lived in the dorms, but it felt more like a hotel. I was on a floor with 33 other rowdy dudes that I considered to be actual friends. I don’t see them much anymore, but I do still stay in contact with them from time to time. On the other hand, I burned down any bridges I would ever need to get back to high school.

When I wasn’t trying to meet the girls, I was always hanging with my bros on the floor. We would often do these weekly things where we would go to girls apartments and just knock on doors to meet them and see how many puns we could make before they got tired of us and kicked us out. It pushed us in our pun making abilities and quite honestly prepared me for the dad humor that I use today. We used to have a rallying cry of sorts where we would say every other word. “Word Up Man Ship!” Basically, it meant that we would do our best to one-up each other until we had the best pun we could.

I think we as humans are always doing this when we get together and talk. It’s always when we are telling stories to one-up each other. All I know is that I’ve almost never told a story straight up. I always embellish, add more details and things that can make it more interesting. I don’t know why I care, but when I tell some a tragic tale, it has to be more tragic than the person telling the story before me.

So I was just walking down the street when all of a sudden…

Just yesterday someone was asking me about when I got lost in the mountains. Whenever I tell people that story when I “almost died” I always say, “Oh I don’t want to bore you, so I’ll just tell you the short version.” Of course, the short version always includes the goriest details, and the times I was closest to death. I don’t talk about the boring details like the hour it took us to get to the spot or the hour we spend trying to get across a river.

Inevitably when you tell your story, people are either super interested in the story because they have one that equals or surpasses it and they can’t wait to tell it, or they start getting bored, and you hurry to the interesting highlights to get them interested.

What do you guys think? Do you find that you are in constant One Up Man Ship? Or are you just entranced by people’s stories?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter One Up Man Ben

 

Here is a great gift idea for Christmas. I think this would make a great gift for the lady in your life, like your wife or sister-in-law. 

Virtual Crap

 

I remember it so vividly. Not long ago, maybe a decade ago, video games started this thing called DLC(DownLoadable Content). It was a new idea that video game makers came up with to not only sell you the game but if you so desired you could buy extra things to either customize or lengthen the game by selling maps, new dungeons, armor, etc.

As companies are doing almost anything they can to make money, it made a lot of sense to video game makers. Let’s look at some other forms of entertainment. Movies will add things to your experience for many more dollars. You can buy a Harry Potter 4K Blue Ray for $30, but for $50 you can get the Special Edition Blue Ray that includes a tiny action figure, that is one level below a toy you get at McDonald’s.

In television, you can buy an entire season or series of something you can watch for free on your $200 a month cable for less than $200.

In the foodservice industry, you can upgrade your medium drink to a large for only $.99, upgrade the burger from one patty to two for $3.00 and the fries from a medium to a large for only $.50. Why wouldn’t the video game industry follow suit?

So back to my vivid memory. In 2002, Elder Scrolls: Oblivion offered the first recorded instance of DLC, an add-on pack that offered a player for a tiny fee, the ability to add armor to a horse you had in the game.  For extra money, you got exactly nothing of real value to add to your game. It didn’t make you more powerful, faster, better at magic or even give you points. All it did was give you a customized looking horse.

Behold, the majestic horse armor.

At the time, people laughed. They laughed at the developers of the game for even offering such a thing for money, they laughed at the gamers who actually paid money to get it. It became like a running joke. As a long time gamer and they will know exactly what you are talking about when you say horse armor.

Then, other developers started offering it on their games. A new piece of armor here, a new map there, and all of a sudden DLC just became part of a game. Nowadays, if your game doesn’t have some sort of DLC, it isn’t a complete game. In fact, if you don’t buy most or all of it, you aren’t really getting the experience that most people are getting.

Imagine if you were watching a Marvel movie, say Thor Ragnorok. You buy a ticket to see the movie for $10. But when you get to the movie, you don’t get the previews, and the movie starts right away. Some scenes are glitchy, others that would help make sense of things, are cut and those two awesome scenes after the credits you can get, but only if you pay $5 extra. That is how video games are now.

Now even app games are getting into the act. Don’t say you have never played Candy Crush, or Angry Birds, or Disney Tsum Tsum. All these game are “free” to play, but if you get way too much into it, there are options to pay money too. I don’t know what you pay for in Candy Crush, but in Tsum Tsum, my addiction of choice on my phone, you can pay for rubies. If you are too lazy, or busy to get coins all the time, you can buy virtual rubies to get more coins, to get more Tsum’s. Trying to explain that to your friends that don’t play a game is a little embarrassing doncha think?

They say things like, “You are paying real money for virtual rubies? What does that actually get you?” You stutter, stammer, and change the subject.

The other day, I think we as a country, people or world reached an absolute apex of stupidity. A person I know downloaded Animal Crossing, an app version of a Nintendo game. She was reading off the things you would get if you paid extra money for this free game.

You can buy virtual fertilizer. Oh crap.

You would get Bells (their version of money), extra prizes, etc. and more fertilizer. Let me repeat. Virtual Fertilizer. Another word for fertilizer is crap. We as a society will now, without hesitation buy Virtual Crap. Amazing. We used to say it as a euphemism.

And now we buy Virtual Crap with real money. We are awesome.

What about you? Do you buy virtual stuff with real money? Just go ahead and admit it. It will help your bitterness grow. And if you need growing your bitterness, you can buy some Virtual Fertilizer.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Full of Fertilizer Ben

Bitter Foodover Monday Giftures

The links in this post contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

I don’t know about you, but from what I gather most people here are not excited to be back at work. At least here in the US. A lot of you had a 4 day weekend, or at least a day off. I’m pretty lucky because I was one of those people that got a 4 day weekend and didn’t have to work in a retail store. For those people that worked in retail, sorry, that must have sucked.

All I know is that holidays around this time of year are a tradition. They come with all kinds of rituals that people do every year. They go to the same restaurants, they go shopping at a certain time or place, or they watch or play a lot of football. One of my traditions is every single Friday, no matter how garbage of a week I have, I do Bitter Friday Giftures. I almost without fail have done that since I started my blog six years ago. I remember one year I did it every single Friday except for one. That happened to be on Thanksgiving weekend. For some reason, that is becoming a tradition in itself. Then I think I should do it on Saturday, but I get too lazy. Then I think about doing it on Sunday, but get too busy. Since I’m finally back to work and need an excuse to not work, I decided to do it today. So for the first time, and perhaps the last, I’m doing Bitter Friday Giftures on a Monday. Enjoy the bitterness.

After this weekend…

…I figure there is going to be a lot of this.

Just when you get back up…

…you will lose your hat again.

Just when you think it is turning around…

…you’ll hit the rocks.

You’ll go and try to console yourself…

…and then this will happen.

You will then try to get more aggressive…

…and it will just make it worse.

Then you will start to question life…

…because of course it should be pepperoni pizza.

By mid-afternoon, trust me…

…you will have an energy crash.

People will start noticing your lack of abilities…

…and they will just start waiting for you to fail.

At this point, you just need to…

...embrace that you are not going to get anything done…

 

And just lay down…

…voluntarily or not.

Try to use your…

…wizard powers…

And…

…just give up and head home.

That is about all you can do to make it after a long holiday of sitting on your butt and eating turkey and pizza. You just have to hope to survive. And let’s face it, you aren’t getting through today unscathed. So accept your battle scars and go home slumped over, knowing you will get to lay on the couch, if only for a few moments.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Monday Giftures Ben

If your family was nice enough to get you a Samsung Galaxy Note 9 for Thanksgiving and you need a case, here is a great case to protect. I found this one on Amazon.

//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=bitterben-20&language=en_US&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07H9YXS7F&asins=B07H9YXS7F&linkId=ed661c44e6b16e2d45460c5223b584c0&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true

The Many Faces of Bitter Ben

How I imagine Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is always kind of a weird contradiction for me. Pretty much since I was young, I’ve always had the Thursday and Friday off. That makes for pretty much the longest vacation of the year, including Christmas right? The whole idea of not working for 4 days sounds like a dream for a lazy person like me right? While my imagination is dancing with the possibilities of laying on the couch, watching TV and having things handed to me sounds super fun right?

Where I actually end up on Thanksgiving.

The problems are that dreams of things and actual things are two…different things. Most of the time, you have to spend Thanksgiving with people that like, you know, are family. The problem with that is they are usually the ones that get on your nerves the most. So these people that you actively spend time trying to avoid most of the year, all of a sudden pretend to be thankful for you and invite you to their house to eat food. The problem with that is that the food is usually turkey or stuffing. I guess that is okay, but the last time I checked, turkey isn’t pizza. Then there is the whole Black Friday thing that is basically you going to stores that are crowded with the other least favorite thing. People.

People are the worst on a good day. But when you give them a low price and vacation, and a little bit of money, and a holiday that almost requires you to empty your life savings to give gifts to people that won’t appreciate, then you have humanity at its worst.

I’m not non-verbal. I try to say words every once in a while just to let people know I say words. But you will always be able to tell more about me from my face than you will ever hear from my mouth. If you don’t read face very well, learn it. It is a very valuable skill, especially if you are married.

It especially comes in handy when you are dealing with these people creatures. While they sometimes tell you what they want or need, it is pretty rare that they will actually outright tell you. This is where the detective part comes in. Since I am so hard to read, and most of my story is determined by my facial expressions, I know other people’s pretty well.

If you see me smiling extra big, you are annoying the crap out of me. I don’t ever smile. What is there to smile about?

If you see me looking up or away, you know I don’t want to talk to you. That means either I don’t care what you are saying, or you lost me a few miles back in the conversation. Stop talking to me immediately and focus your attention on someone who cares.

If you see me looking at the TV,  just move on. There is nothing you can do at this point. My focus is solely on that, and nothing you say or do will be able to get my focus back.

If you see me walking fast, avoid trying to tell me something, because I don’t walk fast, and that means I’m trying to get the heck out of there.

If you see this, be ready to be shamed on social media.

If you see my eyes roll, it is a regular day and an ordinary moment. It also means that I’ve zoned out and have concentrated on how I’m going to humiliate you on social media for what you said. The bigger the eye roll, the more public the social media.

Those are just a few of the facial expressions you will meet when you…uh meet me.

Unfortunately, you won’t get all of them. You have to be a better detective to find out the rest.

What are some of your facial expressions? Which ones should people run screaming in horror when they see them?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Facial Expression Ben

In order to stay at home as much as possible, here are some deals on Amazon so you never have to leave your couch.

//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=bitterben-20&language=en_US&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B0798FVY69&asins=B0798FVY69&linkId=621c34516aabc1e92e583ee19a271cc4&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true

Robbin Hood Bitterness

I’ve been bounced out of many a place.

Do you know what movie has never come out in my lifetime? Robin Hood. Just kidding. I think there are at least 4 versions that I know of, and that doesn’t include the parodies of it. I don’t mind, because it is a good story, with a lot of intrigue and most people can relate to at least one of the characters. I know I can relate to Friar Tuck, the guy that likes to eat a lot. I wonder if that is why the movie is coming out at Thanksgiving.

I used to get really excited about movies that came out because I would then go get to see them. Not so much anymore. I have to be picky and choosy now, because I am an adult and have responsibilities and my wife doesn’t necessarily like going to movies, except when they are the romantical kind. And let’s face it, when it comes to romantical, she gets her quota of cheesy romantical shows on the Hallmark Channel, so she doesn’t need to waste money on a theater experience.

I’ve always been a bit of an underdog.

I’ve always felt like a Robin Hood of sorts because it still feels like I am fighting an uphill battle. I like to say that I’ve always had to fight to make it on my own. My parents, as lovely as they were, never took advantage of the chance to use their nepotism on me. They did their best to instill good virtues into me and failed. They tried to teach me to be positive, and kind, and generous, to disastrous results.

Networking (besides maybe it’s much sterner parent nepotism) is the #1 method of finding a good job. I have never had one person that I’ve known ever offer to help me and actually go through with it. It’s pretty pathetic that people work so hard at avoiding helping me find a job. Whenever I’ve gone to college, they’ve always told me, that they would help me find a good job. In fact, one college said that they helped 90% of their graduates get a good paying job within three months. Guess who is a 10%er? That’s right. It’s me! No offers to help, no networking, just a sad, pathetic website that offered jobs just below McDonald’s that I could have got without paying a ton of money to the college for.

I’ve always been an underdog like Robin Hood. No one thought my blogging would ever amount to anything. On my old blog bensbitterblog.com I had a following of 10,000 people. I had 50 likes on most of my posts and dozens of comments. They say this one will fail too, and it might, but I just keep uploading. Keep writing. Keep Bittering. And not to brag, but last month, I made $.04.

What I do with my $.04 every day.

Take that, whoever said I would never make any money blogging. Take that.

What things do you have to do all on your own? Blogging? Parenting? Finding a job? Navigating the Black Friday sales? What are you proud of overcoming without people’s help?

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Robbin the Hood Ben

%d bloggers like this: