Inversion Bitter Friday Giftures

There is this weird epidemic of weather here in Utah that I’m not sure exists anywhere else.  Since we live in these valleys that are surrounded by mountain ranges, when it’s cold and doesn’t snow for a while, we get this thing called The Inversion.  It’s one of those made-up weather words like the Polar Vortex a few years ago. It’s like this epic scary weather that isn’t so much a hurricane or tornado or tsunami, but more like this really grouchy monster that breathes really heavy. If it was Micheal Scott, it would burn Utica to the ground. Actually, it would just breathe really hot air in the sky.

Basically, it means that all this really bad air gets trapped in the valley and won’t go away. It kind of reminds me of people that come to my house for a party and then never leaves. The only way to make it go away is by having it snow. So, we beg for it to snow, even though we really don’t like snow. In the same vein, burying people in the snow is the only way to get rid of unwanted house guests.

Unfortunately for everyone that reads this blog, burying me in the snow doesn’t get rid of Bitter Friday Giftures.  Sorry.

Just another day in Utah…

philippines volcano eruption taal volcano GIF
…during The Inversion.

Don’t worry though…

night sleep GIF
…we’re used to all the bad air.

It never…

headache causes GIF
…causes headaches.

It never makes us…

 art digital pixels vision GIF
…see visions…

Or makes us…

psychic caitriona balfe GIF by Outlander
…see things…

We’re not seeing things…

animation oc GIF
…in cartoon terms.

Just like how we can’t breathe…

can't see scooby-doo GIF by Head Like an Orange
…because we don’t have our gas masks.

Also sometimes it’s hard to see…

quote dean GIF by ClawsTNT
…when most of our eyes are covered.

Just like global warming…

randy marsh talking GIF by South Park
…The Inversion has forced us indoors.

There is a possibility…

pizza weather GIF
…that this is something that could happen if we go outside.

All we want…

dark GIF
…is a little sun…

But The Inversion forces us to…

cold cat GIF
…to beg for this.

The Inversion is a sneaky son of a gun and quite ambitious. He is trying his hardest to become the most famous random weather pattern. He is tired of being seventh fiddle to Hurricane, Tornado, Volcano Eruption, Tsunami, Polar Vortex, and Avalanches. Unfortunately, he is trying and failing. In fact, he is even falling behind wildfire because wildfire burns stuff and gives us bad air.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Inversion Ben

Refuel Bitter Friday Giftures

We’re coming up on the most depressing day of the year soon (I think it is usually like January 18th every year), which is a bitter person’s fuel.  To prepare for this special day, let’s talk about how we can fuel up for this event. What are some things that work for me? There is making sure that it is dark as much as possible. While not all days can be dark ALL day (unless you live in Alaska), but there are simple ways you can make things worse. When it is sunny out, find dark basements, non-windowed closets, and pray for black clouds.

Another way to prepare for the bitter season is to make phone calls to family members or co-workers and ask them how they are doing. Be prepared to hear all kinds of sob stories about their jobs, their lives and their commuting. If you weren’t depressed before, their lives will certainly depress you soon after.

Lastly, talk about how far away any vacation days are for you. Now that the holidays are done, you certainly used up all your vacation and sick days and just have to power through at least 3 more months before you can get a break. Bleakness will follow. As well as the Bitter Friday Giftures.

Even though you want to cry…

Sad Jason Mantzoukas GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers
…make sure you smile so people won’t try to cheer you up.

Make sure you get all the right daily nutrients…

lonely legally blonde GIF
…like chocolate, fat, and lots of sugars.

The colder the weather…

winter weather GIF by Much
…the better chance there is that you will want to stay on the couch and not move.

You’ll want to make sure that if you go outside…

jack whitehall jacket GIF by BRIT Awards
…you’ll want to be as uncomfortable as possible.

If you have a meeting today…

bored board meeting GIF by Veep HBO
…make sure it is late in the day, so there is a possibility of it going overtime.

Make sure your lunch is gross…

ew throw up GIF by SMOSH
…so your afternoon will go as slowly as possible.

Save the most urgent tasks for the end of the day…

working weekend GIF
…so you will once again have to work all weekend.

Make sure to invite only your least favorite guests…

work weekend GIF
…to your house.

For any get-togethers…

bbq dummies GIF
…make sure to fire up your grills. 

Make sure you run after the neighborhood kids…

on my way running GIF by Nicolas Bougère
…for getting on your lawn.

And letting their dogs…

encouragement dog poop GIF
…poop on there.

And don’t hang in there…

threes company fall GIF
…just fall.

Get excited people. We are almost there. The most depressing day of the year is coming and we have to make the most of it. Get prepared. And if that one doesn’t work out, Valentine’s Day always has the potential to be the most depressing day.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Refueling Friday Ben

2020 Vision Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My kids are always telling me how out of touch and old I am. I try to stay in touch and I think that I know just enough to be dangerous. I am never on the bleeding edge of all the memes, just the cutting edge, so they tell me to stop talking.  Anyways, as usual, I am just past the youth expiration date on one of the memes. The one that goes, “So what are your plans for the future?” and they say, “I don’t know. I don’t have 20/20 vision,” referring to the year 2020. But now that it’s 2020, it is passe’. Thankfully, I’m also at the age where I stopped caring about being trendy. I make my own trends, like Bitter Friday Giftures.

My vision for the future…

 

Milos Raonic Lol GIF by Tennis TV
…is a little shifty. 

Things are looking…

Scared Mood GIF by Tennis TV
…a little depressing.

Sometimes this is…

timothy dalton deal with it GIF
…is the only way to focus.

Now that…

stand up 80s GIF
…sounds like way too much work.

This is how my vision of 2020…

things going GIF
…is going so far.

I’m thinking some great technology…

90s vhs GIF
…is ready to bust out.

All the cool kids…

technology GIF
…are wearing shades…even at night.

There will probably be some…

lazy the simpsons GIF
…exercise being done.

Eating faster…

Food Eating GIF by Bounce
…so you can get more food in is of utmost importance.

We should try…

splash GIF
…to get more water this year.

How about getting…

splash GIF
…both more water and more exercise. 

Quit trying to leap headforward into the year…

dive GIF
…and just take it one day at a time.

That is what I say all the time.  Don’t plan ahead more than a few seconds at a time. Just try to make it through your bitter day and survive. Planning always goes wrong anyways.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter 2020 Vision Ben

The Bitter Friday Grind of Gifturing

 

I read a book once about legit book about video games and how they can be a positive thing. Most people that write about them talk about how they are the downfall of society. Anyways, she mentions that we will do things in video games willingly that we can’t stand doing in the real world. The number one thing that I love doing in video games is called grinding. Basically, it is playing something over and over again in order to level up and get a reward.

In the real world, we hate the grind. We hate having to do the same task over and over. We know that driving to work every day will get us the reward of getting paid, but we don’t like it. We hate talking on the phone over and over again, even though we know we will get money for doing it. Yet somehow, in video games, we love playing the same level over and over again to get a different character or new skin.

On the other hand, I post the same thing on my blog every Friday, and somehow it seems like fewer people are enjoying that routine. BTW, Iast week I posted without the gifs, just to see if anyone was paying attention. 2 people did. Good detective skills there people. Let’s start the grind shall we?

Keanu had the year of his life…

 

…but only because he committed to the grind.

Sometimes the grind…

…left us absolutely exhausted.

Other people…

…were a little too hyped about it.

Some things have been grinding for years…

…and will never be popular.

Danny Devito comes up short on height…

…but his grinding lead him to a gig in Jumanji and Quickbooks.

Wasn’t always easy for Spiderman…

…but his grind lead him to the Avengers…and this gig in Chile.

 

Without the grind…

…we wouldn’t have golf clubs in order to relax from the grind.

How interesting would skateboarding be…

…without the grinding?

Why would people grind and workout…

…if all they wanted to get was sore?

A lot of the time…

…your grind looks just like this.

In order to avoid getting run over…

…you can’t sit still.

In the end though…

…this is what my grind ends up doing for me.

The grind works for everyone else because they learn lessons and grow from each grind session. For me though, it’s always that one step forward, two back, so I never actually gain anything from all of it.

How has the grind helped all of you? Let me know in the comments.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Grinding Ben

Baby Yoda Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I may be the only one in the world who doesn’t have Disney+.  I’m sure you all find that really hard to believe. What kind of bitter person couldn’t love the Disney+ channel? And then you remember that I’m the most bitter. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t heard about the most buzzed new character on all of Disney right now. That right. Master Yoda as a baby. It was a genius move to put on the Madolorian because everyone just wants to see him. And what baby hungry girl (or boy) doesn’t think that an adorable Baby Yoda isn’t the most adorable thing.

It also makes you think that even really old people like my dad or Mackauly Culkin or Robert Redford were actually a baby at one time. I’m sure many people think about that kind of thing. On the other hand, the only reason I’m even talking about Baby Yoda is for the pure hopping on a trend right as the Star Wars movie is out so I can get more mentions and views or something.  I’m sure it will backfire in some way, but could it be any worse. Even bad press is press, right? While you are pondering all those deep questions, go ahead and view these Bitter Friday Giftures and leave a comment or whatever:

Just to make sure all the trends are covered today…

…a reminder that it is ugly sweater day.

Sometimes you just need a little pick me up..

…when you are learning how to use the Force. 

The holidays aren’t without their share…

…of disasters though.

Speaking of babies…

...not all of them are as classically trained as Baby Yoda. 

Although some…

…have more potential than others. 

Besides not being very smart…

…another problem with babies is that they eventually grow up. 

The hope is that they will grow up and be bitter…

…but most kids end up disappointingly being somewhat hopeful. 

So basically…

…it’s every day. 

Meetings are so stupid…

...even Yoda’s people don’t like them. 

Santa desperately trying to find someone…

…to deliver a gift to this year(spoiler warning: it’s not me). 

This is the first thing…

…that I completely agree with. 

Sounds like every opportunity…

…that I’ve ever had. 

I know you are probably wondering what all of this has to do with Baby Yoda. I am too honestly, and the answer is nothing. I just wanted to get his name out there so people would click on this post. In fact, I came up with a name for this and it is called Click Bait. It probably won’t catch on though.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Baby Yoda Ben

Hot List Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I am a failure in many aspects of my life. I think you know some of them and I don’t have time to list most of them. In order to really feel like a failure, make sure you compare yourself to someone who is much better off than you. Easy peasy, you will feel inadequate. Comparison is the thief of joy after all.

So today on the Today Show, they came up with a list of the Hot Gifts this year from Christmas. My wife called me in and said “you need to watch this, so we can make sure we got all the gifts this year or we’ve failed!”

I proceeded to watch the whole thing and made a mental checklist of the things on the list that we had purchased. Nope, nada, no, don’t got that, hadn’t even heard of that, don’t have young kids for that, and no. We did not pick one thing on that list. Failures. Just like in many other aspects of my life. In fact, the one thing I don’t seem to fail at is putting out the Bitter Friday Giftures, which start….right…now…

Exactly like me…

…except for the smile and I’m only carrying one small bag. 

My kids on Christmas day…

…except for bitter, disappointed faces and only one gift.

That’s…

…more like it. 

The look they give me…

…when they are trying to hide the disappointment.

It’s…

…what I specialize in.

My kids…

…learned from the best. 

This is me if I was turned into a cat…

…because I don’t like cats.

Some asked me to play Santa once…

…my reaction.

Thank you so much…

…for so many ties and sock again this year!

My kids: If I don’t get everything on this list…

…I’m begging out of this family. 

I’m the DJ…

…my wife is the wrapper. 

Get ready to use your face…

…to show how much you love your gifts. 

The nice thing is that all this practice getting bad gifts for the holidays can translate to other areas of your life. For instance, your birthday might be happening soon. Or you boss can tell you that you will be doing twice the amount of work for the same amount of pay. Or you can get rejected for a date. Or from a job you thought you had. Or that your kids have a huge project due tomorrow and they are just telling you about it at 9 pm the night before. I mean I’ve never had any of those things happen to me, but maybe they might happen to you.  You’re welcome for all the good advice.

How about you? How do you handle all the bad gift-giving or terrible news? Lemme know.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Hot Gifts of the Month Ben

Decorating with Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife and I were in charge of the decorating for our church Christmas party this last week, which means my wife was in charge and I helped.  Let me tell you how hard it is to watch her wrap presents for a centerpiece, string up strands and more strands of stockings, wrap certain parts of the gym with wrapping paper, put up a backdrop, and so many other things to organize this blessed 1 and 1/2 hour event.  I did help a little, but for some reason, my medication was throwing me for a loop and I kept getting dizzy spells and having to sit down so I didn’t faint. Some might call that good timing, but most people would call it really bad karma. I guess it was a little of each.

I did make up for it after the party, when I helped with the teardown. I literally ran with loads of stuff in my hands to the van and shuttled 3 loads of stuff to and from the church to home 3 times. So, overall, the people of the church called it a success (the decorating, at least). The rest of the party was a disaster. The entertainment was pathetic, the food ran out early, and kids all wanted to go home before Santa even got there. So, the only success was my wife’s decorating. And my only success is these Bitter Friday Giftures…

It felt a little…

…like 40 little sideshows.

There were way too many of these weird…

…tiny human creatures there.

Lots of parents…

…were nowhere to be seen. 

Some people were just too busy…

…cramming their pile holes with food.

Some people should not have been driving…

…inside the gym. 

Some were a little too excited…

…to see Santa. 

Some were dancing…

…even though there was no music or a dance floor. 

Some like me…

…were having a little bit a struggle decorating. 

Some people at the party…

…were treeted pretty badly. 

Some people like me…

…wore the right attire…

While I should have worn…

…more of a pizza party attire. 

In the end, with all the planning, preparation, and time we spent…

…it turned out exactly as we planned. A disaster. (Shout out to Die Hard as the Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time. I’ll fight you for that too!)

Not all parties you plan will be as successfully bad as ours was, but if you believe in yourself, work hard, and plan your best you can have the most memorably bad party as we just had. Get out there and do your worst!

Let me know all your worst party disaster memories!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Party Planning Committee Ben

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