Dad Humor Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Yesterday, it was around 3:15 pm at work and I was getting ready to go home, and as a marketing group, we were just joking around, and I contributed my normal terrible pun. When I did that, my boss finally stated what my role is in the group. She’s like, “It’s so nice that we have Ben here. He injects the dad humor we so desperately need.” When I was younger, I was the witty banter guy, and now I’m the dad humor. It’s amazing how I’ve devolved over the years. It was kind of a slap in the face at first, but then I took it as more of a compliment. Of course, I take most things as a compliment, regardless if they are meant that way or not. I guess when you become old, bitter and a dad, not much bother you anymore. It would be nice to have some Bitter Friday Giftures though. Oh wait, here they are right below…

I don’t know what 18 hundred o’clock is…

…but it sounds like I should be going home way before that. 

This was me last night…

…after I got a cramp in my leg.

Now for some Life Advice…

Unfortunately…

…this is terrible advice. Always give up.

Always give up…

…after your first No.

This is how you achieve your dreams…

…by sitting around and waiting for them to happen.

Always do things like dabbing…

…way after they aren’t cool anymore.

Always overspend money…

…for things that can’t even achieve their core purpose.

Always work with animals and children…

 

…because they will never overshadow you.

Always use surprise…

…as a means of giving someone a heart attack.

Make sure to always use Instagram filters…

…to give an unexpected surprise to someone you actually meet in person.

Always trust someone you’ve never met….

…to tell you that, yes, gifs are safe.

Whenever someone asks you for something…

…always let them know you got nothing.

Well, as a dad and as an old person, I am pretty sure you should know that any advice I give is absolutely 100% correct and accurate and you should follow it to the T. Also, you should laugh at these jokes because they are certified dad jokes that my kids will not laugh at, and definitely shame me for. That just makes them more dad jokes and funny for you to laugh at.

What about you all? What dad or mom jokes are you telling? Which ones are actually funny like mine? What is the most dad or mom joke you’ve ever told?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Dad Joke Ben

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Cramping My Style

There are a lot of things that keep people up at night.

There are a lot of things that keep people up at night. For a lot of people, it is simple as a lousy bed that just keeps sticking daggers in their back. For others, it is crippling anxiety about work, family, school or the environment. Still others it is too dark, too light, too loud, too noisy or any number of other things that keep a light sleeper from sleeping.

I’m one of those people that can feel a light burning through my eyelids, so I prefer being a vampire. The darker and quieter the better. If I hear any noise, see any light or sense any movement, my detective skills go off. Also, for some reason, thunderous sounds, like say a fire detector, or super loud herd of buffalos wake me up. I think maybe I used to be able to sleep in the BC (Before Children). Ever since I had them starting 14 years ago, my ears are trained to hear crying babies.

Go back to sleep!

My kids were always so inconsiderate. For some reason, they could fall asleep when I was when I was in public and needed them to be awake, but as soon as I was ready for a good nights slumber, they suddenly became all night partiers. My wife wisely decided to bottle feed so that dad could participate in the nightly duties.

They finally grew old enough to be inconsiderate in other ways. Instead of making us miserable people without any sleep, they make us buy them expensive things even though we can barely pay for their insurance.

They are also really good at timing things terribly. For instance, they can sense when I need something, and they find a way to sabotage it.

For instance, I have this phone that is five years old and gets full to the point where I have to delete every app just so I can make a phone call. As I finally approached the subject of getting a new phone, my daughter’s phone becomes completely becomes unusable, and we have to get her one instead. Then, just as I was about to broach the subject again, my wife says she can’t pay bills because we don’t have a desktop, so we get that. Then, another thing comes along, and my request gets denied once again.

You know what else is inconsiderate? Cramps. They are just good at bad timing. Just like my kids being rude about my sleep and wallet, cramps come along right when you are trying to sleep. Last night, when I was fading into my REM sleep the moment where the real lottery numbers would be revealed to me, Mr. Back Leg cramp punched me in the back of the leg.

Leg cramp!

For some reason, leg cramp guy has the same lousy timing my kids have. He showed up at 3:15 am. Makes me forget my winning numbers, kicks my sleep pattern out the window and wakes up the rest of my brain to the point where Brain will not settle down until just before the alarm goes off. Thanks a lot, cramps.

What do you think about bad timing? Do you have it? Why do cramps only come at 3:15 am where you aren’t ready to deal with them, instead of at 7 am when you can kick it to the curb?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Cramp Wake up Call Ben

Crescent Moon Bitterness

Is it a coincidence that the moon looks bitter?

When I was young, I was into the sports and such because I was slender and skinny and people just expected me to. I wasn’t bad at it, and to be honest, I could have been a heck of a lot better if I tried a lot harder. I didn’t and was just an average athlete. In fact, when I was in 7th grade, I was on the track team. I think the fastest I ran the mile was 5:50. Again, if I would have tried really hard, I could have done it better. That’s not to say that I would have been in the NBA, or the Olympics, it’s just that it wasn’t where I put all my effort.

I think my problem when I was young was that athletics came a lot easier, and my body stayed rail thing even when I filled it with garbage, which I definitely did. If I had to struggle and work to get a better body, I would have realized how hard it was when I got older, and I wouldn’t have eaten like a trash compactor now. Now it is too late. I still eat like a garbage can, but now I just have to learn that I’m not going to be skinny either. I just figure that some day I’m going to die and I would rather be a little rotund than to have only known the taste of Kale and salad.

I’m going to eat the finer things in life, like pizza and bread and other fine things.

The finer things, in a box.

Yesterday, I had to walk home from church after my scout meeting. My wife drove me to the church, but I wasn’t going to torture her and make her stay after for the boring meeting I had to attend afterward. So I told her I would walk. It was a little chilly, so I braced myself and walked with a faster than normal pace. I looked up at the moon and noticed that it was one of those crescent ones. You know, the tiny little sliver. I thought, “Man, how nice would it be to be so slim every month. The moon doesn’t have to work really hard, it just appears 4-5 days a month, and doesn’t even have to work hard for it. Just like clockwork, no matter how much time it sits and watches the stars every night, it appears skinny.

I do have to say that it probably doesn’t look forward to the rest of the month when it appears full. I’m guessing that is why it turns some humans into wolves than just so it can distract everyone from its fullness. And during the middle of the month, I bet it feels a little hungry when it is only half full. I bet during the day, it wants to go to McDonald’s just because it is feeling a little hungry.

Anyways, what do you think? Would you prefer to be like a human and just take whatever shape you are? Or would you like to be the moon and be different shapes all month?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Moon Faced Ben

Kiosk Gauntlet Bitterness

The Gauntlet.

One of my favorite primetime gameshows was Wipeout. There was something magical about seeing people voluntarily sign up to be on a game show where they would be fools for the entertainment of others. If that isn’t a cry for attention, I don’t know what is. It was a lot like the American Idol though, where the first round was basically a few stallwarts, but mostly watching people make fools of themselves for our amusement. My favorite part of the whole gauntlet was the big red balls. That was most people’s favorite.

If you haven’t seen the show it is basically an impossible obstacle course that you had to survive and keep doing until you finished. The first round you ran solo. There was an overwhelming amount of obstacles that would trick you, and you would eventually end up looked like a crazy person, and in some sort of mud or bubbles. I looked forward to seeing how badly people would get messed up for $50,000 or some low humiliation amount.

Big Red Balls.

Nowadays it is the holidays, so whether you like it or not, you are in the middle of a gauntlet of your own. The only reason people don’t find it funny is because we are all going through it together, mostly unwillingly. We are running through a holiday shopping gauntlet that no of use will go through unscathed.

My wife is a generous person. She loves buying thoughtful things for other people, regardless of how terrible they are. So one Black Friday, she convinced me to go to a sporting goods store to get one of those Razor scooters for her nephew. The trend for those scooters was waning, so they had them on a Black Friday special in order to sell them and also to entice Aunt and Uncles to feel like they were getting their nephews trendy scooters. She had another bunch of stuff on her list, so she made me go after the Razor Scooter.

I had no idea how it all worked and that I would have to have some urgency for it, but when the doors opened, I looked immediately for the scooters. I couldn’t find them, but someone pointed them out, and I made a swift walk toward the scooters. As I was walking, other people around me were running…at full speed…toward the scooters. So fast that one of them ran right into the display of scooters and knocked them over. Then, as I reached and took one, two people were fighting over the last one. I basically sneaked away with my scooter, bought and got the heck out of Fight Morning 2001 and survived without any permanent scarring, except the one emblazened on my memory.

The only way to avoid the kiosks at the mall.

If you aren’t familiar with the Kiosk Gauntlet, it is the one where you are walking through the mall and you get accosted by shuckster salepeople trying to stop you so they can sell their products and pitches in microseconds. Before you even know what happened, you are the proud receipients of a years supply or dead sea lotions or hand warmers for you summer in California that you didn’t need.

I’m not sure why online shopping has gained so much popularity in the last several years, but I think I might have an idea.

What are the gauntlets you go through? What are some of your favorite or not so favorite Black Friday sale stories?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Gauntlet Ben

Making Room Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I think I need to go to all the local banks in the area, just to find out if they will have enough space. I plan on making a lot of money, and for that, you need banks to clear up space right? I plan on you guys supporting me so I can stop working, because working is hard. So talk amongst yourselves and find out how you will be doing that. You can start a Go Fund Me for laziness, or start a charity for Lazy Bloggers, or any number of other ways that you can help somebody out. You could hire one of those lonely old people with lots of money and no family that just want to find someone to give their money to. Hey, I know you guys are creative, that’s just how you all think. So I’ll leave that there for you guys to mull over and in the meantime, I will leave these gifs for you viewing bitterness.

My worst nightmare…

…is having to talk to someone to get a refund.

Amazon needs to hire guys like this…

…to ship during Christmas.

This is the Christmas spirit…

…that my kids have.

This is me…

…trying to fit into my clothes every morning.

Am I ready to go home for the weekend…

…you bet I am.

Hey everyone at the gym…

…I’m just here to swim.

Hey dudes…

…don’t interrupt me while I’m watching TV. 

Nothing to see here…

…just me talking to everyone at work on a regular day. 

Umm…

…seriously you need to move on to the next blog to learn something. 

Hey, what do you think of this post?

…yeah that’s what I thought.

What do you think about this post, Michael?

…yeah, that is what I thought.

Yeah…

…pretty much.

Alright, guys, I will just wait here for you while you find me some money. Don’t worry, I will totally pretend to be appreciative, so you don’t feel so bad giving up all your money. I’ll be working with the banks to clear up all this space for you.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Making Room Ben

Affiliate links. Here are some gifts you can get your people for holidays or whatever.

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The greatest gift to give to your kids

Yes, I would love to go outside and play catch.

As you know it is November. If you didn’t know that, it is time to invest in a calendar or a watch. Those are always good things to have around. If you look around and don’t know why you are here, maybe stay home, and invest a little time in reality management. The reason I bring up the fact that it is November is that it starts to get slightly cold in this hemisphere this time of year. My son doesn’t seem to realize this. Yesterday, he decided that he would “persuade” (force) me go outside after work and throw a football around. It’s not a good idea to throw a football when it is freezing, because the football turns into a solid rock of ice. It also doesn’t help when you have really weak hands from dunking a basketball a lot when you were young (or so I’ve heard).

My son is an extrovert. He reminds me of my worst nightmare when I was a kid. I would always get home from school, eat something, maybe do a little homework, and then get ready to plop down on my favorite couch for a nightlong TV session. Then the phone would ring. The chill would come down my spine. No!!! Someone probably wanted me to go play football, or basketball or some sport. In November. In South Dakota. Usually in weather below zero. My mom always encouraged me to do stuff, so I would almost always have to yes.

Now I have a son that makes me do the same thing.

I would have the ultimate revenge if he wasn’t adopted.

You see, the greatest revenge that parents have on their kids is the ability to pass down all their flaws.

My son is immune to me passing down all my traits genetically. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to work my butt off to give him all my bad habits through the way I treat him.

Here’s a pass I can handle. Passing off my bad traits to my kids.

He is already really good at the laziness. He is really good at grinding people’s gears. And he is definitely really good at throwing things everywhere and not picking them up. I think he might still be working on a pile of clothes my wife washed last month that he hasn’t brought upstairs yet. And man, he is really good at tuning things out when they aren’t what he wants to hear. I usually have to raise my voice to the level of Jerry Maguire in his “Show me the Money!” scene before he will even pay attention.

My daughter on the other hand, well she gets all my bad traits genetically. She has my tall gangly, clumsiness, my super dry bad skin, my terrible teeth, my allergies (to math and other people). In fact, the only good traits I gave her was my bitterness, and ability to roast people (see yesterday’s post).

Kids are the worst. The only reason to have them is to give all your personality flaws. Too bad they don’t just keep them.

How about you guys? Which flaws did you give your kids? Which ones do you wish they would keep?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Flaw Passer Ben

These are some of my favorite things:

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P.S. Hello Bitter Friends. I just want you all to know that I am going to start including affiliate links on my posts. Basically, for any subject I talk about, I will link to products on Amazon that are related to the thing I just talked about. I will probably also link to products I’m interested in too. No pressure, but if you would like to help me make a little money on the side, click the link and purchase the item and I get a little kickback. Also, if you are thinking of buying anything on Amazon, let me know and I will include a link somewhere in a blog post for you, and it will help me by doing so. Plus, it will be like a challenge for me to incorporate a word I might not have been thinking about in a post, so yeah for that. Thanks for following me through all the different changes I’ve been implementing. Also, take a look at the ads below. Click them.

Sugar Coating Bitterness

She would make these guys do this 10 times a day.

My daughter is an absolute savage. She is sarcastic and witty, and has a comeback for everything. If there was a class in her school called Roasting 101, she would be acing that class. If they were taking applications for Comedy Central’s Roast club, 14 and under, she wouldn’t have to apply, they would actively recruit her. She has a roast for anyone and that includes me. She can put me in my place faster than a leopard in a Lamborghini, if that makes any sense at all. She has reduced other people to rubble. I couldn’t be more proud.

She has taken her old man’s sharp wit and refined it like a knife through hot bitter. When you such an amazing talent, it’s hard to keep a muzzle on it. Remember that scene at the end The Incredibles where the family was attending Dash’s track meet and they told him that he could participate in track, but he had to, you know, not run as fast as he could? He had to hold back his speed and finish second? It isn’t fair that she is so far above others, but if we really let her loose she would absolutely annihilate people and the self-esteem of others would be torched.

Good.

Unfortunately, when it comes to others we have to sugar coat things. It’s kind of sucks. The problem with speaking your mind on any number of issues these days is that everyone is so PC. I’m not talking about a Microsoft PC. I’m talking about all this political correctness that just seems to put like a frickin sensor on everyone’s mouth. If you are one of the few people that actual say something that isn’t perfectly and politcally correct, people roast you in the media (social or otherwise) and you are a pariah. Even mention something mean and you might as well move to Siberia, because that is the only place where you would be welcome. I understand we should be civil about things in order to not set off riots, but the problem is that we riot for things that are so stupid. If we people were less offended about things that other people said and really followed the mantra, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” and just worked on themselves, we wouldn’t have to sugar coat everything for everyone.

All I know is that we are in the middle of the candy quadrant (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas) of the year, and my teeth have had a little too much sugary sweetness. I think we need to inject a little bitter and salty to balance things out. We should be able to tell someone they are doing something stupid if they are, and not fear that we will be put in political correctness jail. And by the way, is political correctness a very good term? I’m pretty sure that some politicians are some of the worst human beings on the planet. I think we need to change the term to something like Philanthropist Correctness. You know, name it after someone that is a little better of a person.

I’m not talking this kind of PC.

We don’t even need to change the initials or tell the politicians that we changed the name.

What do you guys think about political correctness? What about putting a nuzzle of talent? Why do people spend so much time getting offended by everything and spend less time on worrying about what kind of person they are to others?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Sugar Coating Ben

Here are some of my favorite things:

Pandora Charm

 

P.S. Hello Bitter Friends. I just want you all to know that I am going to start including affiliate links on my posts. Basically, for any subject I talk about, I will link to products on Amazon that are related to the thing I just talked about. I will probably also link to products I’m interested in too. No pressure, but if you would like to help me make a little money on the side, click the link and purchase the item and I get a little kickback. Also, if you are thinking of buying anything on Amazon, let me know and I will include a link somewhere in a blog post for you, and it will help me by doing so. Plus, it will be like a challenge for me to incorporate a word I might not have been thinking about in a post, so yeah for that. Thanks for following me through all the different changes I’ve been implementing. Also, take a look at the ads below. Click them.

Letter Writing Campaign

Me, trying to come up with subjects.

I’ve never been good with the spoken word. Though I have a sharp wit, and funny tongue, I don’t like to say things out loud anymore. It might be that talking with other people for too long drains me. Even though I didn’t know I wanted to write for a living, I was always much better with people by writing. I had a lot long distance friends, because it was easier to deal with them. I didn’t have to have them over to my house for awkward conversations or find things to do with them. I usually couldn’t call them, because back then, long distance phone calls cost money. The only way I could keep in touch with them was this ancient practice where you would put your writing instrument full of ink to this parchment thing.

Honestly, to my kid’s letter writing might as well be a cave drawing. I don’t think they have ever written a hand-drawn letter to a person in their lives. I believe that introducing them to that would be like showing them a cell phone that didn’t have apps, a VCR, or a floppy disc that you inserted into a computer.

Last night I was watching another of Hallmark’s amazing Oscar-Award worthy masterpieces, and some kid wanted to write a letter to Santa. First of all, no that kid didn’t want to write a letter to Santa. My kids always wanted to email him or FaceTime him. Second, that kid looked like he was 11 years old. His mom decided to hijack his letter to Santa and sent it to some random guy, and he wrote back. Along the way, she rediscovered her joy of letter writing. She and the guy who was playing Santa got in a long distance writing relationship and all of a sudden, romance.

How we write letters now.

The way we write letters now is text. The nice thing about texting is you can instantly know what people are doing. The problem with texting is you know instantly know what people are doing. There is no little detail that gets missed and all of a sudden when you see someone in person, you have nothing to catch up on. I preferred the time when you could write someone a letter and let them know the big things, but it wasn’t in real time. Then when you saw them, you had something to discuss.

My wittiness and sense of humor are so watered down now. I have no stories to tell people, no quick wit, no humor that is new. Everyone already steals the funny memes from the internet and wittiness is lost because kids think everything in LOL funny, even though you can barely hear them laugh.

The art of the set up that I would use in my letters are just gone because the art of the story has been chunked down into quick text snippets, 6-second videos, and quick memes. The art of a well-written letter has been replaced by a short email, text or gif.

What do you think? If you ever wrote a letter, do you miss writing them? Do you miss being funny because people want their humor summed up and packaged in a nice neat 3-second snip?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Letter Writing Ben

Time Travel and Dreams

1985 teenaged Bitter Ben? Mind Blown.

Back to the Future was one of the most mindblowing movies I watched when growing up. Back in the summer of 1985, I remember one of my friends telling me about this movie with a time machine and in my mind, a time machine basically looked like a big Instant Pot. It would have some wires, and some blinking lights, and a bunch of knobs and dials. When my brother told me to go see it, he’s like, “Trust me, you will like this time machine. I’m going to tell you what it is, but it is amazing.”

Somehow back in those days, I was able to hide from the hype of time traveling car. Spoiler warning didn’t need to exist, because the internet wasn’t doing pre-hype, live hype or after hype. TV would barely run commercials, and trailers weren’t events like they are now. When I stepped in the theater, a week after Back to The Future opened, I had no idea that a time machine could be a car. I had no idea if this could be a sequel or anything like that. All I knew is that my brother told me the time machine was something different than what had ever been seen.

When we talk about time travel, it all seems like such a crazy thing. It could never happen. Even if it could happen, would it be a good idea? I mean if only two, maybe three people messed with time travel in the three Back to the Future movies, and they almost destroyed the space-time continuum every time they stepped on a leaf, how would it be if billions of people could be backward, forwards and upside down? It would be a mess, wouldn’t it?

The what?

Then again, I think we have time travel, space travel, even alternate realities right now. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been fascinated with dreams. When I was in high school, considering career paths, I had a few different ideas. One was the one I had since I was a junior higher, which was copywriting, one was to work for Nintendo in some capacity, and the other one was dream interpreter. I figured out there wasn’t really a career path in dream interpreting unless I wanted a 1-900 number and a predilection for predicting the future too.

Anyways, they say that perception is reality right? Well, if you are dreaming, isn’t the dream the reality at the moment? And since you dream about the past a lot, and the future, doesn’t that mean you are time traveling? If you are dreaming about being in space, doesn’t that mean you are space traveling? If you are dreaming a reality in which you married a different girl, or had different kids, or lived in Paris instead of Utah, doesn’t that mean you are living in an alternate reality?

All I know is one time I dreamed that I won a large sum of money in the lottery and I was super sad when I woke up. I’ve talked about this before, but sometimes dreams can be so real that you can almost imagine your mundane everyday life is the dream and the dream is the everyday.

Great Scott is right.

What do you think about dreams? Do you think the dreams could possibly be the reality? Do you feel like space, time and realities are possible because of dreams?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Dream Time Travel Ben

P.S. Hello Bitter Friends. I just want you all to know that I am going to start including affiliate links on my posts. Basically, for any subject I talk about, I will link to products on Amazon that are related to the thing I just talked about. I will probably also link to products I’m interested in too. No pressure, but if you would like to help me make a little money on the side, click the link and purchase the item and I get a little kickback. Also, if you are thinking of buying anything on Amazon, let me know and I will include a link somewhere in a blog post for you, and it will help me by doing so. Plus, it will be like a challenge for me to incorporate a word I might not have been thinking about in a post, so yeah for that. Thanks for following me through all the different changes I’ve been implementing. Also, take a look at the ads below. Click them.

 

Tension Bitterness

 

I’m no scientist, so I’m going to look it up on Google. Tension is the state of being stretched tight. If you think about a rubber band, there is a certain amount of tension that is good. You pull it back to the right tension and release, the rubber band can fly. That being said, the right amount of tension for humans is a good thing too. You get the right amount between people, between work and a lot can get accomplished.

On the other hand, if you pull back on a rubber band too much, it simply snaps. The same principle applies to humans as well. I’ve always had some sort of tension, either at work or at home. Sometimes it is both, but if that sustains, someone is going to snap. So lately, I’ve been applying the age-old principle on my way to and from work (consequently the only place that I get any time to myself). This principle of breathing. I’ve heard it is the key to life, so I keep trying to do that. Anyways, I feel like if I don’t learn how to meditate soon, I might be that rubber band that has too much tension. How about some Bitter Friday Giftures, to release the rubber band…

Umm…

…yeah, kind of painful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you feel about all this…

…yes kind of middling here.

What I feel like…

…every time I get home.

This is not…

…the kind of release I’m talking about.

I could definitely use one of these…

…portals right now.

Never underestimate…

…the power of baby ducks to get rid of your problems.

Also…

…never underestimate the power of special effects in your life.

Maybe you need to work on…

…on your ninja bear skills.

Sometimes…

…you just need a few people to come around to make you feel like a complete weakling.

Sometimes…

…you just need a drink.

Other times…

…you just need to build a better bridge.

And other times…

…we just need a full out panic attack.

So how do you guys deal with all the tension? If you have a gif that speak 10,000 words leave that in the comments. If not, use words.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Tension Rod Ben

Passive Income Bitterness

And your dad probably told you to get a job.

You know the trouble with this world in general? It is always sending mixed messages. You know, like stay in line, pay your taxes, eat your vegetables, but be a rebel, travel the world, fight the system. Get out and live, but stay indoors and be safe. Take care of your family, but explore and be free. There are just so many conflicting messages out there, how are we supposed to know what we are supposed to do. Sometimes we even have parents that tell us to do two separate things. One tells us to work hard, go to school, show up on time, be responsible and another will tell us to follow our dreams, go where the wind takes us, learn how to be happy without money.

No wonder everyone is always so confused.

My training was always to work hard, be on time, be responsible. When it comes to getting a job, be aggressive. Then you see these people like Kanye and Kardashians who built an empire or riches on really, not working hard. Not being responsible, falling backward into all kinds of deals. I’ve worked hard my whole life. In my career, I’ve always shown up early, rarely ever taken a sick day, followed the rules, and did my best to get along with people at work. Some days I show up at home, back, knees, and shoulders aching from taking on too much responsibility and not getting paid near enough. Sure, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’m no genius. Honestly, I’m kind of a fake it til you make it kind of guy. I learn things by Googling and YouTubing. Even basic things that people take for granted.

How I learn stuff.

I am a passive person, but the way I get my income is aggressive. Anything I get, I have to show up and be doing. The goal for me, and probably most everyone is this thing called passive income. It’s this amazing concept where you earn money when you are NOT working. You are sitting on the couch or at a 5-star hotel, or grocery shopping.

Most celebrities are passive income earners. This is why they are rich. Think about Kanyne. He is a rapper. He makes an album say 20 years ago. Every time someone buys that album, whether it be a CD or a digital download, he gets a cut. Then because he is famous, he makes a T-shirt line. They are garbage t-shirts, made from the same material I could get, but because he is famous, he slaps his name on it, charges $200, and people buy it. Then once he releases it…passive income. Anytime someone buys a t-shirt, he gets a cut.

Also earning millions for sitting passively.

Now there is this thing called Influencer marketing. Companies pay people like Kanye or famous YouTubers to post their brand on Instagram. Not just a $100. We’re talking like a million dollars a post. Mention a product, get a million dollars. Insane.

This is where the mixed message comes in. My parents always told me to work hard and be aggressive, but really the goal is to get passive.

How do you feel about passive income? Were you taught to be aggressive and reliable to achieve your dreams or to go where the wind takes you? Or both? Are you as confused as I am?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Passive Income Ben

 

The Scariness of Multi-Electronicing

Why isn’t this a day off again?

Happy Halloween, you filthy animals. I never understood why the biggest holiday in America is one that we don’t get off. From what I’ve heard, Halloween is the holiday that makes the most money, even over Christmas. If you want to me to prove it, I will say Google it and look it up yourself. I don’t have time to prove things. Why in the name of all that is good and holy do we not get Halloween off? I have a rant prepared for this, but I’ll save that one for another day. Just make it a holiday.

Speaking of Halloween, the theme of this major holiday is scariness and being uneasy. If you don’t believe me, you should see how uneasy I am in my Halloween costume. Since we are talking about scary stories, here is one I deal with every day.

The terror.

Batteries.

I don’t know if you guys are like me when you sit down every day to watch TV. I don’t just watch TV anymore. I always have to have something electronic in my hands. I don’t care if that is childish, but I always have to be multi-electronicing. The problem with multi-electonicing is the age-old problem of batteries. My phone is getting older, and the battery life is pathetic. Charging stations are the most important thing in the world right now.

Because battery life is so pathetic, I have a rotation of things that I need to switch to. My chain of command works like this. First, my phone. It is the first one that I pull out to distract me from everything else. It has the most important games, it fits in the pocket the easiest, and has the texts that are the most urgent. Some people say it is essential because it has the phone app, but I deleted that thing. No one needs to be taking phone calls on a phone. When my phone gets to ***gasp*** 10%, I have to bring it to the charging hospital and get it revived before it dies of loss of battery.

I might die without my life-giving electronics.

Then I move to the next thing on the list, my laptop. It is the equivalent of an old man at 5 years old and lacks the battery power to process anything for more than an hour. But at least it can distract me long enough for my phone to charge….sometimes.

If I get really desperate, and the phone and the laptop are both in critical condition, I resort to option #3. It is scary to have to resort to the last option, but sometimes I have to do it. If I don’t, I will be left without an electronic device. I might as well be stuck in a scary barn at midnight with a chainsaw-wielding psychopath trapping me in a corner if I don’t have an electronic device in my hand. The last option is the tablet. It is so basic, that it only has two, maybe three apps I can check. If I ever get to option 3 and there is no battery life, you will probably see me curled up on the couch dead of accidental electronic withdrawals. Let’s hope I never run out of all three options. Now that is scary.

How about you guys? Can you survive without an electronic device in your hands? Do you have your chain of command?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Scary Story of No Electronics Ben

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