Baseball Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When I was growing up, baseball was my favorite sport…until I got hit in the gut with a fastball and had a fear of a little tiny ball going 60-100 miles an hour speeding right at me. I also realized that baseball was a lot of just standing around watching a pitcher throw to a catcher. So, I abandoned it for a long time, but just like John Wick, there is always something that pulls you back in. For John, it was a stupid kid that wanted his car and killed his puppy, but for me, well, it is my son. He decided that he wanted to play, so a couple of weeks ago, we brought him to a tryout, and a few weeks, and hundreds of dollars later, today is his first game. Of course, last week should have been, but freaking baseball requires dryness and last week, we just so happened to have rain. Just as rain puts a damper on baseball, I am about to put a damper on your week by telling you that it is Bitter Friday Gifture time again…

I have a feeling…

…there is going to be a lot of this.

And probably…

…a lot of this.

Maybe a little…

…frustration and anger.

Probably a lot of…

…temper tantrums.

Probably a few…

…swings and misses.

Probably a few…

…sudden drops.

Probably a few…

…parental fails.

Probably going to be a few…

…coaching fails as well.

Or more coaching…

…fails like this.

We’ll probably see…

…a lot of this.

We’ll probably see…

…more of this.

Or if we are really lucky…

…we’ll just get to see this.

 

Let’s be honest. The younger the kids, the more of a cluster this will be. And the faster I will want to come home and plant myself on the couch. Can someone pray for rain for me tomorrow? Or perhaps perform a rain dance?

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Baseball Ben

sdf

Target Deal of the Day: Rawlings Youth – 12 Prodigy Bat. The nice thing about baseball bats is that they serve multiple purposes, which I really like. You can use them for the limited purpose of playing baseball for a short season or two, before your kid quits in frustration, but the much better use is defend yourself in the case of a burglary in your home. Or something nice like destroying the fire alarm when it keeps going off in the middle of the night.

 

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Are you A Bozo Bitterness

He couldn’t even use chocolate pie?

When I was younger and really bored I used to watch WGN in Chicago. In the mornings, they had this show that included Bozo the Clown and he would have kids on the show. They had this game that challenged kids to throw ping pongs into big buckets and the farther they went, the better prizes they would get. It was essentially a carnival game that was rigged for them to fail. Every once in a while, the contestant would make it far enough to get close to winning a trip to Disneyland, but Bozo laugh so goofily that kids would get nervous and fail.

This experience from my bitter past reminds me of an all too real situation I face on a daily basis. As you know, I’m currently failing to be employed, so many strange and Bozo-like experiences happen to me every week. The jobs l look at are increasingly bizarre and strange, and the “opportunities” that come my way are increasingly weird. One of the strangest things that happen to me nowadays are called “phone interviews” and they range from intense, real interview like questions that you would get if you were in the office of a CEO, to personality quizzes, to “if you were an elephant, what would you pack in your trunk?” type questions.

Lately, though they basically have this type of phone interview that my wife and I like to call the “Bozo interview”. It’s basically a screener interview, always done by a member of the HR department that basically asks you questions to find out if you have a pulse. Questions come up like “Do you have a driver’s license?” and “Are you available for full time employment, or are you seeking part-time?” After they decide you have a pulse, they then pass you on to the hiring manager for a “real” phone interview.

Always.

Basically, it is what we call the “Are you a Bozo?” interview questions. They are basically deciding if you are smart enough to handle speaking to another human on the phone. Of course, they are really PC about the whole thing, but in a world where PC wasn’t a thing anymore, my wife and I came up with a series of questions they could really ask, if they didn’t have to worry about getting sued for asking.

Bozo questions for a non-PC company to ask:

1. Do you drive a car that is smaller than a Mini-Cooper?

2. Do you have any friends that say, walk on tightropes, shoot themselves into rings of fire, or fly on a trapeze?

3. How are your juggling skills?

What are your juggling skills like?

4. How often would you say you got paid to attend children’s birthday parties?

5. Which Stephen King novel that made it into a movie about red balloons and gutters would you say is your favorite?

6. Have you ever had to drive 12 or more of your friends in your Mini-Cooper to a circus and had all of them fit?

7. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your balloon tying skills?

8. Are you a distant cousin or perhaps brother to Ronald McDonald?

Are you related to this guy?

9. When you are preparing for work, how much white face make up do you apply each day?

10. Do you know a flying Elephant named Dumbo?

I get it, companies want to make sure that you are qualified to do a job and that you are the kind of person that say, isn’t going to have a massive freak out, or show up only 20% of the time after the first week. But I feel like having a simple interview with a person on the phone or even checking their LinkedIn could get you past the “Bozo” stage of interviewing.

Just so you know, I have passed all my Bozo interviews and have reached the “Competant stage” interviews that follow right after.

Wish me luck to make it to the “Eh, maybe we will take a chance on this guy” stage.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Bozo Ben

 

Target Deal of the Day: Jetson Rogue Hoverboard with Galaxy Light-Up Wheels. If Bozo the Clown’s toy car was in the shop, he could use this fantastic hoverboard to get to work. Then he could get his white makeup on, and his red nose and style that spiky hair and get ready to creep out more people.

 

 

Cloning Dog Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife just popped in and told me that people have way too much money. Obviously, I agreed and told her that we were on the opposite end of the scale, IE, we have way too little. I then asked her why she said that, and she said that some family paid $50,000 to clone their dog. I know some people have a fierce attachment to their pets and that is okay if that’s what they love, but cloning one in my mind is way beyond normal in my eyes. I’m okay cloning someone’s answers on my test, or cloning someone’s dollars, but chill on the cloning of other things. Haven’t we seen enough bad sci-fi movies that taught us not to clone anything. Clearly that dog is going to be straight out of Pet Cemetery and we are going have some vicious dog attacking people that won’t be able to be killed. Don’t mess with cloning (except me cloning Friday Giftures every week). Speaking of which….

Don’t do something stupid…

…and get stuck in jail.

Did you know…

…jet skiing was good for your health?

That this guys was…

…way off target?

That this lady…

…isn’t very good at Mario Kart.

That the best man…

…was also the best fainter?

That every groom…

…should get to be the bride too.

Did you know…

…it’s not even close to summer yet?

Which means…

…it’s not quite Independence Day yet.

This is the leveled up…

…Spiderman.

And this is…

…how not to cross the street.

I’m a professional pitcher dad…

…I know what I’m doaaannng.

I’m Batman, the Dark Knight, the protect…

…aagghhhhh a daaaggg!

And there you have it. Although it isn’t smart to clone a dog, it is really smart to clone my posts because they do really well and they require no thinking, because that is what I’m famous for. Not thinking. See you on the flippidy flip.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Clone Failure Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Spot. If you haven’t heard the latest about these devices, they are all about listening to you carefully. Allow this one to listen to your every move. At a much lower price. If you buy two, you get $40 off.

 

46 Reasons To Be Bitter

As is tradition on this Bitter Blog O’ Mine, I celebrate the birth of bitterness so many years ago by listing on this blog 46 reasons to be bitter, one for every year of my bitter life. It’s a fairly easy thing, because let’s be honest, everything in the world makes me bitter. And since I’ve written over 1000 bitter posts on this on my other blog, the source material is pretty deep. In fact, I could easily just take the titles of years past of posts that I never wrote or finished and easily complete a year’s worth. Sit back, relax, get some popcorn enjoy the bitterfest that is my life.

That sounds like a place I want to go.

1. Jobs. Let’s start with the most vexing thing in my life. I can’t get one, and even when I do, I will have to work at one. It’s the worst Catch 22 in the world with only two upsides. Money and some sort of medical benefit…if I get lucky.

2. Fire. It is hot. And it burns. Takes out forests. Maybe that is a good thing. But also

3. Bedtime stories. Has anyone ever finished one? Why would you want to start a movie and not want to finish it?

4. Apple Maps. Seriously, the worst ever at navigating. If I wanted to get lost, I would ask my wife or daughter to give me directions.

5. Escape Games. What is the point of a game that is trying to make me do math and science, just for the pure thrill of not dying?

6. Batteries. They are worse than humans, because their only purpose is to die, but they do it so much faster. We are constantly trying to revive them.

7. Chairs. None of them is ever as comfortable as a bed or a couch. Should we really be doing our hardest work when we are the most uncomfortable?

8. 60 Inch TV’s. Because they aren’t 70 inch, 80 inch or 100 inch TV’s. What is point of a TV smaller than 70 inches?

9. Tree Forts. Vastly inferior to pillow forts and blanket forts. Not only are they outside, but they are in trees, which suck so bad.

10. Hats. So many hats. They always seem to be covering your head, which is kind of rude when you are trying to use your head for thinking and such.

11. Clocktowers. A little outdated if you ask me, because you know, Smart Watches can tell us the time. Or cell phones. The last time one was useful was in 1955, and only because it was struck by lightening.

This is why I want to finish the basement. So we can eliminate this guy.

12. Basement. Particularly mine. It is unfinished. If I wanted something unfinished, I would display my life.

13. Plugins. One more thing that rechargeable batteries depend on, but also have the ability to shock you. Also Glade makes them smell like the forest.

14. Exclamation marks!!! They are the optimists of the punctuation world and just as annoying!!!!

15. Trash. Have to be taken out every single week, smells bad. Expensive. Destroys the environment. Worse than a clingy girl.

16. Oscar the Grouch. Likes the trash, and somehow less bitter than me.

17. Doctors. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as “healers”.

18. Starter packs. Basically legal drug pushers disguised as Pokemon Cards.

19. Pokemon. Basically legal animal fighting disguised as a video game where you have to “Catch Em’ All”.

20. Environment. Just another thing we have to fight about in political battles.

21. Aeration. That yearly spring tradition in which people poke holes in your yard that leave dog crap looking things in your lawn.

Leave my lawn alone please.

22. Buttermilk biscuits. It doesn’t matter if you make them with Buttermilk or add sausage, bacon and cheese, they are dry and the worst kind of bread.

23. Denny’s – Only think of them once a year, and that would be when you want to get a free breakfast on your birthday.

24. Birthday’s – That day when you are forced to talk to people, when they pretend to like you once a year, you get to eat food and cake all day and end up full and tired of people for another year.

25. Controllers. They only control video games, not your kids, co-workers, or your life.

They don’t work on people.

26. Target. Every time I walk in with my red shirt and khaki’s people are always asking me where things are.

27. Philly – Known for booing Santa Claus and having high unsuccessful sports teams, but also putting onions with steaks.

28. Lentils – You thought Biscuits were dry. These are the worst form of the bean family, which is already the lowest form of food.

29. Murder – In real life, we gasp in horror. In Law and Order and all their other sister shows, we crave more of it.

30. Molehill’s – People are always making molehill’s out of ant hills.

31. Breaking the Internet – If you are going to be rude enough to break the internet, could you at least call a repairman to fix it?

32. Blatant Disregard – My favorite kind of regard.

33. Digital Shorts – I understand how you can buy shorts digitally, but how do you wear them digitally?

34. Writer’s Block – Someone thought it would be funny to give me a block of wood for Christmas. Called it a Writer’s Block.

35. Selfie Stick – Someone thought it would be funny to break off a branch from a tree, give it to me for my birthday and told me to hit myselfie with it.

Never got my Toy R Us coupon book, I mean my kid’s coupon book this last Christmas.

36. Toys R’ US – I’ve kind of been disappointed with the spotty hours they have lately. Seems like they are only open after kids are all asleep?

37. Mad Libs – They would be fun if say, anyone knew what a noun, verb, or adjective was. It would be so much better if we could just make up words.

38. Crowds – Crowds would actually be tolerable if they didn’t involve people, sweatiness, excessive heat and if they were couches.

39. Dreams – The only dreams I have are ones where people are chasing me and I get so exhausted I lay down to take a nap and that guy has a dream.

40. Baseball – Some guy just got paid $440 million to fail at a .335 rate. I fail at only a 40% rate so I’m worth $500 million right?

41. Soundproof Rooms – Sound like a great idea. Why isn’t every room soundproof again?

42. Walmart – When you have the hankering to wait in a long pharmacy line, feel like you are stuck into the back of a trunk, or attend the circus of the strange, take a trip to your local Walmart.

43. Easter Egg Hunts – They keep the kids distracted, but not for near long enough. Also, I can’t seem to wrest enough candy from little kids without making them cry too loudly.

44. Can-Do Attitudes – As one who has a can’t do attitude, I don’t understand how people think they can do things.

45. Headphones – They never quite fit right, but mostly the never seem to keep people from talking to you, even when they are on.

Best way to keep people away.

46. Cheat Codes – While they come in handy for gaining unlimited weapons and eternal powers for video game characters, they haven’t given me unlimited coin for stores yet.

This is my gift to you all on this bitterest of occassions where I am a whole lot older than I was yesterday. Comment on which was your least favorite bitter thing on the list or your favorite thing to be bitter about. There is a whole big world out there, so find something that speaks to your bitterness.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Birthday Musings Ben

April Foolish Bitter Friday Giftures

 

If you guys have followed the blog for a while, you probably know that I have always done an April Fools joke every year. Some fairly good, other’s awful and this year, well, it wasn’t very good, but apparently most of you fell for it anyways. I did not ever get a tweet from Rainn Wilson asking to talk to me. Everything else I said in that post was true though. I do love the Office. Anyways, sorry for getting all your hopes up for the people that thought this blog was going to take me anywhere. A bitter person knows that stuff like that never happens to a dude like me. Anyways, to make up for such an awful April Fools Day prank, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures.

Enough…

…of the horsing around.

Make sure you…

…duck.

Make sure you…

…fade away.

Make sure you don’t…

…get too tired.

Make sure you do…

…whatever floats your boat.

Make sure things aren’t…

…a catastrophe.

Also…

 

…try not to get too fired up.

You can be nice…

…oar you can whack someone with an…oar.

The troubles Santa has…

…getting his reindeer going in the morning.

This isn’t what we meant when we said…

…we wanted Panda Express.

This guy…

…forgot to pack his trunk.

Sometimes…

…things are just stairing you in the face.

Thankfully, April is full of a lot of chances for shenanigans and tomfoolery. Let me know what April Fool’s jokes you enjoyed the best and I’ll do my best to copy the best ones next year.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter April Fool Ben

 

 

Dwight Shrute Bitterness

Don’t mess with Dwight.

As you all should know, I am a huge fan of The Office. Ever since I saw the episode where the people of Dunder Mifflin Scranton go to the lake for the Beach Games while Michael sneakily tries to pick his replacement, I was hooked. My favorite part was when Dwight picks his team and calls then the Gryfindors after Harry Potter’s house. Of course, Jim can’t possibly let Dwight off the hook with such an awesome name, so he calls his team Voldemort. Dwight says back, “You must say “He who must not be named.”

Jim taunts him again by starting the chant, “Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort.” Needless to say, I continued watching the series until its completion. Thankfully, I had most of the show on DVD or Blu-Ray and could easily re-watch it. I didn’t though, for a little while. The ending was amazing and it was hard to see going back to it for a little while. Plus, there were other shows, right? Parks and Rec had great potential (though I never watched it until last year) and Community came on the air and was a breath of fresh air. I super loved it and thought it was criminal that it didn’t do better in the ratings.

About 3 years ago, I moved to Utah, went back to school and when I finished, and was looking for a job, I would stay up late at night to play video games. But after another frustrating day of not getting a job, I just needed to sit on the couch, and just chill. We had Netflix as our only form of TV, so I would flip through the shows and look what popped up. That’s right. The Office.

He’s definitely watching the Office right now.

Of course, I had to pop that in. Just an episode or two, and then to the games. Then it seemed to be three or four. All of a sudden, I’m dreading the day the last episode plays, because then I have to find something else. So I slow down my consumption, but the dreaded day comes, and I feel empty. A few days later, I’m going through Netflix trying to fill the void in my bitter heart, when I see the category, “Watch it Again.” The Office. It’s been a few days, the ending has faded and I’m thinking…I could just watch a few episodes until I find a new show. The cycle completes, then again and again. Now I have it memorized and what happens in each episode.

So yeah, the Office is the King. So in 2015, before all this happens, I remember how excited I was about my blog. I wanted to make a lot of money with it. I was just gung ho about how I was going to make it a success. Some big wig was going to see it, he would tweet me and ask if he could incorporate all the content I had written into his blog or new show he was going to do and I would come along for the ride.

Yep, Jim’s a nerd.

So I decided to Tweet @RainnWilson one time about my blog and asked him to read one of my best posts. Of course, there was no response. I figured he was too busy and popular to read my blog or any blog for that matter. Then, he came along a few years later and had a short lived series on Fox about him being a messed up detective. He actually wanted people to live tweet him about the show, and said he would respond. It was my chance to get in his good graces again.

So I lived tweeted him, left my blog again and…(Price is Right failure sound) bom, bomp, bommmbb. Nothing. I saw he respond to a bunch of people, but he was too busy for me. I pretty much thought all was lost, and really just forgot about him and reluctantly moved on.

I’m feeling a little like this right now.

That’s usually when the magic happens right? Anyways, to my shock and amazement, he finally responded! I could not believe it, and I’m still in shock, but he read one of my posts. I think I just might die. So it was a quick note, but he said and I quote, “Loved the blog post. Would love to talk further. DM me.”

My heart is still beating out of my chest and I’m trying to craft my response in a way that will not sound too fanboyish. Should I sound chill and just say, “Sure Dwight, I mean Rainn. Love to talk further to you too.” All I know is that I don’t want to Shrute this up.

Got any suggestions for me? I would really like to hear what you guys have to say.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter “Don’t Shrute it” Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Office Chair – Modway Furniture. While you may never get to meet anyone from The Office like I might, you can at least sit in a chair meant to work in an office for you. This beautiful lime green chair will clash with just about anything you put in the office, which is a perfect way to keep people away from you. Isn’t that the point when you are trying to work? Buy this chair today, for an amazing price.

Man Cave Bitterness

I’m almost 46 and I still don’t have a man cave. Something needs to be done about this. I will even go as far as digging a few holes in the ground, but I don’t know if my HOA will approve that. In that case, I should tell them that I won’t dig holes if they will pay to get my basement finished along with the man cave built. Seems fair right? Oh, it doesn’t? Well, as my dad always told me, “Life isn’t fair.” So that includes you too HOA. I will expect it done by the end of April. I’m pretty reasonable that way. Speaking of unfair, these Giftures are pretty unfair too.

Butter is good…

…but I’m not smooth.

Sometimes you just have to get…

…bird off your shoulder.

It’s always good to get exercise…

…like getting in a good swim.

I guess that is one way…

…to end winter.

It’s always nice…

…when your brakes work going down a hill.

It’s always nice to…

…bounce back.

When you hand them something on a silver platter…

…and they still mess it up.

We clearly know…

…which one is dad’s favorite.

Actually…

…I quite enjoy it.

You’d be amazed…

…at how little I can do.

Because of how…

…I can relate.

A true failure…

…can make it not work on any day.

And that is how the failure sauce is made. Look forward to pictures of the man cave the my HOA is most assuredly going to build in my basement, despite how unfair it will be for them.

ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Man Cave Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: 6-Cube Organizer Shelf. Even better than a Rubik’s Cube, this 6 cube organizer not only allows you to solve a puzzle, but it can store all your stuff as well. Experience the versatility as you pay only $29.99 for this shelf which will only take you hours to put together only to lead to a lifetime of fun. Pick one up today!

 

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