Decorating with Bitter Friday Giftures

 

My wife and I were in charge of the decorating for our church Christmas party this last week, which means my wife was in charge and I helped.  Let me tell you how hard it is to watch her wrap presents for a centerpiece, string up strands and more strands of stockings, wrap certain parts of the gym with wrapping paper, put up a backdrop, and so many other things to organize this blessed 1 and 1/2 hour event.  I did help a little, but for some reason, my medication was throwing me for a loop and I kept getting dizzy spells and having to sit down so I didn’t faint. Some might call that good timing, but most people would call it really bad karma. I guess it was a little of each.

I did make up for it after the party, when I helped with the teardown. I literally ran with loads of stuff in my hands to the van and shuttled 3 loads of stuff to and from the church to home 3 times. So, overall, the people of the church called it a success (the decorating, at least). The rest of the party was a disaster. The entertainment was pathetic, the food ran out early, and kids all wanted to go home before Santa even got there. So, the only success was my wife’s decorating. And my only success is these Bitter Friday Giftures…

It felt a little…

…like 40 little sideshows.

There were way too many of these weird…

…tiny human creatures there.

Lots of parents…

…were nowhere to be seen. 

Some people were just too busy…

…cramming their pile holes with food.

Some people should not have been driving…

…inside the gym. 

Some were a little too excited…

…to see Santa. 

Some were dancing…

…even though there was no music or a dance floor. 

Some like me…

…were having a little bit a struggle decorating. 

Some people at the party…

…were treeted pretty badly. 

Some people like me…

…wore the right attire…

While I should have worn…

…more of a pizza party attire. 

In the end, with all the planning, preparation, and time we spent…

…it turned out exactly as we planned. A disaster. (Shout out to Die Hard as the Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time. I’ll fight you for that too!)

Not all parties you plan will be as successfully bad as ours was, but if you believe in yourself, work hard, and plan your best you can have the most memorably bad party as we just had. Get out there and do your worst!

Let me know all your worst party disaster memories!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Party Planning Committee Ben

Looking Like a Turkey Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Today is one of the days that you either dread or love. It seems like there is no in-between. If you happen to work at Walmart, Target, Amazon, or another megastore, I assume you’ve been dreading this day, neh, season for sometime now. You finished your turkey and then said, “Off to work I go, I’ll see you all in January if I even survive the trampling!”

Actually, I know that the stores will be busier, no doubt, but back in my day, when I was young like all of you, was the real heyday of Black Friday. We didn’t have stores open Thanksgiving night, so if you wanted to go to a sale, you had to camp out. If you wanted a doorbuster, you had to fight for it. And there was no Amazon as a backup plan. My first and last Black Friday experience involved a cheap scooter that was 3 years past its prime, a few pushy people, and a display that came crashing down. I barely escaped with my life. To help comfort those who dread the Black Friday experience, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures for you:

Time to spend some good quality time…

…throwing up some decorations. 

Maybe a good time to…

…wrap some presents. 

The holidays are all about…

…getting together with your closest enemies and rioting.

This may or may not have actually…

…happened to me. 

Make sure you…

…help your kids with the wrapping.

You might need to assist some kids…

…putting up the tree. 

If only…

…it was this easy for everyone. 

Instead of…

…like this. 

It’s also pretty frustrating…

…wrapping all those presents.

Don’t worry if this is…

…how much effort you put in though…

Because…

…these are the ungrateful cretins you are doing it for.

And this is how they will…

…appreciate your hard work. 

Let the holiday bitterness begin!

ARRRRRRGGHGHHGHHGHG

Bitter Look Like Turkeys Ben

Alexa and Google Bitterness

 

My daughter is always making sure that I’m up to date on the latest memes, though occasionally I find some of the older ones a lot funnier. One of my favorites of all time is the following: “This is my job. It’s soda pressing.”

One of my all-time favorites.

I don’t know if this next one is a meme, but it basically calls out James Bond. While he might be the most famous spy in the world, he is also the worst. Because the job of a spy is in people NOT knowing who you are. Do you know who the world’s best spy is? No one does. Because they are so good at it, nobody even suspects them.  It could be an ordinary Joe or someone that you work with. But, you will never know.

I didn’t really think about spies much and people listening in on my conversations until I saw that movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman (and even a young Jack Black!) called Enemy of the State. In the film, it showed how many cameras, listening devices, and bugs can and will be accessed if some organization(IE the government) needs to follow someone. In fact, the internet was pretty new back then, so with the addition of that and social media, it is near impossible not to be found if someone doesn’t want to find you.

It means everyone is bugging us.

The sad thing is that my life is so boring that there is no reason any organization would want to dedicate all the technology and effort into following me.

But, on the other hand, there is a reason why other spies would want to bug my house. Money. Companies want all the information they can get from us because that information can bring cash.

Who knew that some of the best spies would be unassuming ladies? Some ladies called Alexa, and Bixby, and Hey Google, and Cortana.

She doesn’t cure depression, but she does a dang good job of spying.

That’s right, these ladies had been hiding in our homes, spying on us for years and they were good at it. At first, we would wonder how, when the moment we mentioned that we needed some Great Harvest bread, it immediately showed up on our feed. We just chalked it up as good marketing.

Then, it started to get way less subtle and they were way more specific. The other day, I asked Alexa what the weather was for the day.

She immediately chimed in, “It’s going to be cold, kind of like how your wife is going to treat you if you don’t give her the Coach purse she just thought about a few seconds ago. Luckily it is on sale at Amazon.com for $450.42 this week for only 3 days.”

Then the other day I was in the shower after my wife left to go run an errand and I was alone in the house. When I got out, I heard the TV was on the QVC channel and my wallet (that I left in the other room) was out on the bed, and I heard Alexa reading my credit card number to the lady on the screen for an outfit that matched the purse for my wife.

My wife has never been happier with my gifts.

While I was appreciative that my wife liked the gifts, I also am not to sure how I’m going to pay back that bill. I assume at this point Alexa is able to go get a job to pay for all these things.

Then I might not object so much to all her and Hey Google listening to me all the time.  In fact, my wife would probably love it if I listened as much as Alexa did.

What are your guy’s experiences with Alexa and Hey Google? Any creepy spying being done in your house? Or it is nice to have someone in your house finally listen to you for once?

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Alexa and Hey Google Ben

Dreams Coming True Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Many people talk about their dreams coming true. Someone just got their dream job. Another met their dream man or woman. Someone else is going on a dream vacation. On the other hand, I do all those things. Except then I wake up. Most of the time, life is a bunch of days that look alike. You get up, go to work, or look for work, come home, eat dinner, sleep for several hours. When they say it is the grind, they aren’t kidding. And once a week, there is a bunch of bitter Giftures whether you asked for them or not. So if these gifs are your dream, then you are in luck. For everyone else it is just another part of the grind that happens every single Friday. At least it is consistent. So here we go with another edition of Bitter Friday Giftures.

Did somebody just get shades of…

…two different movies out this fall? 

If only my dreams were…

…more food-related. 

This is a more realistic view…

…of what happens to my dreams. 

Unfortunately, this is pretty close to the…

…dreams I have now. 

This is not what I mean…

…about following your dreams. 

Leering at your dreams…

…is also not an acceptable practice. 

You better be careful not to follow your dreams too closely…

…or you might end up with a restraining order.

Don’t follow your dream too closely…

…or you might end up colliding with the dreamer ahead of you.

When it comes to dreams aim low…

…like looking like James Harden when you walk backward.

Don’t aim too low though…

…because you might actually hit your target.

Definitely don’t aim too high…

…especially if you are afraid of heights.

Just be mediocre in everything you do…

…so you never stand out at all.

There you go, bitter dreamers. Don’t aim too high, or too low, definitely don’t dream big and don’t stalk your dreams as there may be a restraining order against you. Is that enough advice for you? Can you now just let me be so I can go spread the mediocre and bitter news somewhere else? What are your thoughts on dreams? Have you ever achieved one? I’m still waiting on realizing my first.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Dreams Not Coming True Ben

Eggcellent Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve been on a bitter diet lately, because my doctor told me I had to. I don’t know why doctors are always telling you such bitter news. You complain about one little thing (my knees, my back, my shoulder, can’t sleep, tired all the time, can’t make it up the stairs without breathing heavily, chest pains) and he thinks it’s related to my weight somehow.

Some people, I swear.  I told him that he has the power to give me some magical pills and I should be able to lose weight, and he did give me one for cravings, but other than that, he wasn’t much help. He did tell me that doctors were all wrong all those years and it turns out that carbs are the enemy, not fat. So I’ve been eating a lot of eggs and bacon, and cutting out some of the carbs. He told me no more candy too, which of course, he told me on FREAKING HALLOWEEN. Jerk.  Enough about how horrible doctors are, how about some Bitter Friday Giftures to eat, since I’m starving.

The only thing worse than being hungry…

…is ridiculous kids saying they are.   

The best part about having kids…

…is you can eat anything that is theirs and they can’t say anything about it. 

Me…

…around mid-afternoon. 

This is the only kind of…

…belly run I find acceptable. 

Even famous people…

…get a little hungry sometimes. 

Wile E. Coyote wasn’t a bad guy…

…he was just hungry.

Sometimes you just need to eat chicken nuggets…

…even though you are a chicken. 

Oh, sooo tempting…

…can I please have some more?

When your food is done…

…and you are still hungry. 

Sometimes food just can’t help…

…but fall into your mouth.

Sometimes you are as hungry…

…as a whole arm-y.

Food always…

…before family. 

Since food always comes before family, that is why so many arguements happen at Thanksgiving. Because we try to spend time with the ones we love, but family keeps getting in the way of spending it with food. Just a thought.

What is your guys relationship with food? Stronger than family I hope.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Eggcellent Friday Giftures Ben

 

 

 

 

Running on a Treadmill Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Whatever you do, don’t go to the doctor. You think you are just going there for a routine check or to get some pills so they can just easily cure you. Turns out that isn’t the case. They grilled me about everything that was wrong with me, and boy was there everything wrong with me. They did give me some pills, but way more than that, they gave me all kinds of assignments. Like, don’t eat any caffeine or chocolate for the rest of the day. On Halloween. Oh, and we need you to run on a treadmill. WTF?

In honor of having to run on a treadmill, here are a bunch of gifs that have to do with running in place and uselessness.

This is going to be me…

…today.

This is the closest to…

…space exploration I will ever be doing.

This is the kind of treadmill challenge…

…I am up to.

Who says…

…dinosaurs don’t exist?

Some people…

…get way into Halloween.

Some people are just in a hurry…

…to get treadmilling.

Some people become Ninja’s…

…just so they can run on treadmills. 

This is how I feel when they ask me to treadmill…

…leaf me alone. 

After a hard workout, I just wanna know…

…water you doing?

This is what I do…

…as soon as I finish with the treadmill.

This is how I feel…

…as soon as I finish working.

Me at work on Friday…

…when someone asks me to do something for the weekend.

Alright enough of this. I have to go get ready for the first and possibly last time I will be running on a treadmill. Wish me luck.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Treadmill Ben

Weening off Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into using long names for people. I’ve always been a nickname person. For each of my siblings, my wife and kids – I have nicknames for all of them. Who needs to call someone their long name? That requires so much effort. I even go by my short name. Can you imagine having to get bitter advice from a guy called Bitter Benjamin? It would be such a hassle to spell all those words out.

Which brings me to my point. Halloween is coming up and it has always been such a long name. Three syllables, 9 letters and a couple of repeat letters. I think it is time to ween ourselves off of the long version of the name and just call it Ween. Or Wen so we don’t repeat any letter.  You know, we probably need to just move onto the Bitter Friday Giftures just so we can cleanse our pallets of this ridiculous rant. Here they are:

Cats certainly don’t like…

…ween. 

Trees get a little short…

…because no one listens to them. 

Your playtime sometimes…

….needs to be shortened too. 

Sometimes even your poles…

…fall a little short.

Skateboards have a tendency…

…to fast track you to the hospital.

It always seems like things

…swing in other people’s favor.

What do you say…

…we kick things off.

Like mother…

…like son.

Some people are so talented…

…they can do things backward.

Sometimes…

…you just have to take a big leap of faith.

Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life…

…and hope that someone is there to catch you.

Sometimes you have to improvise…

…and hope nobody notices.

I like my posts just like I like my names. Short and bitter. Have a weekend.

ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Shortness Ben

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