BitterTines Day Friday Giftures


I was talking to my wife the other day and I was comparing the days of the week to the months of the year. For the most part it makes sense. January is definitely like Monday. Everyone is hung over from the holidays and the bitterness of family and home and people trying to be cheerful during the weekend that was November and December. Everyone has lofty goals for Monday/January, but really it is just one of those blah days/months that no one really looks forward to and no one gets any work done.

Then there is the least likable day of the week/month of the year, Tuesday/February. No one got anything done in January/Monday, so now Feb/Tuesday has forced their hand. And when other people start getting desperate to do things to feel productive that always causes everyone else to do things.

February is so short and yet packed with things going on. It starts with a bang on Groundhog’s day, where a tiny rodent determines when spring starts. There is President’s Day, and the most insane holiday, Valentine’s Day, which no one really even knows why we do it, or why it is smack dab in the middle of the busiest insanest month of February. Speaking of insane, let’s get to our Bitter Friday Giftures.


…sand can be so hard.

Other times…

…water is really hard.


…sand is really hard.


…people just need to try to stand out a little.


…wheelbarrows are pretty hard.


…everyone is okay…except the sign…oh and the pedestrian.

Amazon driver’s…

…don’t get paid near enough.

Who knew…

…that steel was so good at cursive?

Would someone…

…like some milk?

Some people…

…are just butt heads.

If this is our future…

…I’m on board.

One of the best reasons…

…why Virtual Reality is the best.

I wish you all a bitter weekend, especially if you have President’s day off and have to deal with kids and grandkids that will be in your house and just want them to go away.


BitterTines Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

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Today’s Story on Giphy

Valentine’s Day is coming. Time to show who we really love.

This is probably some really shocking news, but when I was growing up, pizza wasn’t my favorite food. Probably because my parents didn’t expose me much to pizza. Also, I was always hungry, and back then, Hot Pockets didn’t exist and pizza wasn’t exactly an easy thing to whip up when you are dying of hunger as I always was back then.

My favorite was peanut butter. But not everyone’s favorite type of peanut butter sandwich. Nope, I liked Peanut Butter and butter, which may be why I have such a butter shaped belly. Which brand of peanut butter you might be asking (or not)? Well, I liked all of them, but my favorite was Skippy. I also liked Jif, which was was really good, but not quite as salty, which I preferred. I loved peanut butter so much, that I ate it over and over and over again until I figured out the delights of pizza.

The debate of it is pronounced Jif or Gif will go on forever.

You know what else is good over and over and over? Gifs. As you know, I have for years now, took the lazy way out on Fridays and always done Gifs (which I call Giftures) on Fridays in the place of doing any actual writing. It is an easy way to close out the week and some people actually tune in for those posts more than any other.

For my source of Gifs, I have used multiple sources around the internet for my inspiration. I have used College Humor, Funny or Die, and Giphy.

On Friday, the Today show had a feature on Giphy and talked to the people that worked there. Obviously, I was very interested in it because I use their service all the time. I have also expressed interest in starting my own film company in which all I produce are 3-5 second films. Who needs a long story, plot, or special effects when you could just film someone falling off a skateboard, failing at a dunk or shooting a kid into the air, by jumping on your bed.

My daughter and I could finally go.

My wife told me to apply to work there, but I told her that the headquarters were in New York. She was fine with that, because my daughter has always dreamed of going to a Broadway Show and we could finally go to the Office Musical, and quite possibly Hamilton.

I also said that I could try to accidentally run into Casey Neistat on the street and we could collab and become best friends. Obviously, my career would take off and then I could buy Giphy and make them do all my Bitter Friday Giftures, so I could sit at home and watch TV and eat pizza. Or maybe even peanut butter.

What places would you love to work? What is your favorite Gif?


Bitter 3 Second Giftures Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Elmhurst Loose Back Cushion Sofa Beige-Project 62. What better way to kick back after a hard day and watch Bitter News From the Couch from. A sofa to watch Bitter News from the Couch. Brilliant. This comfy sofa is on a big time sale right now at Target. It was regularly $579.99, now on sale for only $376.99. Go forth and sit!


Bitter News from the Couch #8

Yes, it is Sunday afternoon and you have nothing else to do. TV is getting old and you are tired of the kids. Escape to the computer room so you can watch the news. But not the same, boring, dull stuff that you keep seeing on your computer screen, but the entertaining, yet bitter news you need. It comes to you live taped from locations all around the globe (uh, house) thoroughly researched from other news sights. Hold on to your horses and cows, because here is another edition of Bitter News From the Couch. Also, just do me a favor and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you don’t know how to do it, have you kids and grandkids do it. Also have the subscribe. Just click on this link. Got it?

Nine Lives Bitter Friday Giftures


Most of the time the only reason I follow the news is when I do research for my Bitter News from the Couch. And I only follow the stories that make sense to make fun of. When I woke up this morning, my wife told me about a story I absolutely needed to write about. Have you heard of the cat? The one that was thought to be frozen to death only to have been revived by a team of veterinarians? Talk about nine lives. Our family cat growing up had those same 9 as it disappeared for three months, only to appear in our backyard much worse for wear. In honor of cats defying death over and over, lets see some people defy it in gifture form.

If this was a cat…

…it would have been life #1.

For a cat this would…

…have only been a flesh wound.

Cat would have…

…just landed on its feet for this one.

Cats would have just felt like they were…

…sitting on a heater.

Cat would have…

…dove like this just to avoid the water.

Cat would have…

…just thought this was just a fun toy.

Cat would have just…

…taken both those fishes.

Cat could have flown the sleigh to the North Pole…

…but couldn’t be bothered to do so.

Cat would have…

…scared the human off the bed.

Cat would have let the human…

…fall into the pit and perish.

Cat would have known…

…not to try to go outside.

And most of all…

…cat would have known to stay home for this one.

Unfortunately humans aren’t survivors like cats and don’t have nine lives and usually end up doing things like going outside in subzero temperatures and doing things like skiing, sledding and skating. So stay frozen people and go do things outside. I for one, will be smarter than you and cats and staying indoors as much as possible.


Bitter Frozen Cat Friday Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

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Mighty Morphing Bitter Ranger

Another shoot with the scouts.

As you saw from my lazy post yesterday, I fancy myself as an amateur filmmaker. I admit I’m a horrible actor, for many reasons. Let’s take a moment to list those reasons.

1. I have a monotone voice.

2. I have a face for blogging.

3. I can’t memorize a single line.

4. I have no emotional range. My emotions are 100% bitter.

5. Many other reasons.

Luckily, I have a self-taught skill that is a big fat eraser of many of those above mentioned acting deficiencies. Editing.

My editing skills, while not professional, have erased many of my awkward moments on camera. And while I haven’t been able to fix the monotone voice, it is possible to do so.

If you ask many Hollywood directors who the MVP of the production was, I bet many of them would say the editors. They take the 1000’s of tiny scenes that don’t work at all together and bring one amazing production together that never could happen without them.

The middle of last year, I had to teach scouts the movie making skill. Since they are all 10 years old monsters and have the attention span of a Hummingbird, I almost always just had to spit out a line, then have them say it. Then I had to film them running around and complain that they didn’t get any scenes or lines. Then at the end, I somehow had to piece together poop and spin them something that resembled amateur short movie gold. The acting was terrible, the emotion was on par with mine and they couldn’t ever talk loud enough. Somehow though, I was able to stitch all those terrible scenes together and make a respectable movie, so much so that the pack asked me to show it at the pack meeting.

It’s amazing how something can morph from a bunch of terrible scenes into a full on film. The other day, I was with my wife on one of those days where we were marathoning some shows. She is really into the crime shows and she was watching Law and Order. I was just on my phone, half paying attention and something happened that made me question how a lawyer could do that thing he did. I said, “How did that lawyer get away with that thing he did?” She answered with a technical lawyer term and I did a double take. How did you know that term?

She was like I’ve been watching Law and Order for years now. I was like, “Did you just get your law degree? Did you all of a sudden pass the bar and become a full fledged lawyer?” She just said, “Yep.”

Me at the office.

I guess you can now just morph into things. Since that is the case, I work at Dunder Mifflin and Michael Scott is my boss, Dwight and Jim are my cubicle mates, and Pam and Jim are the office flirts. Stanley is always complaining, Toby is the worst, and Ryan and Kelly are both meant for each other and should never be in the same room at the same time.

What have you guys morphed into? What shows have consumed you into appearing in their world?


Bitter Morphin Power Ranger Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Canon EOS Rebel T6i. If you want to start your filming and editing, here is a great place to start. Start filming with this camera that I use and start recording things. Then, fix all that terrible acting and make a movie of your own. Post on YouTube and make your pennies.


Lazy Day Bitterness

I don’t feel like writing today, because snow is outside and I just can’t possibly be expected to write anything. The east coast got their turn last week, so it is the west coast’s turn to be lazy this week. So here is my post. It is my Bitter News from the Couch, Volume 7. Please save all autographs for my world wide tour.


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Busting a Move Bitterness

One push up is good thanks.

When I was in high school and college, surprisingly, I was a little more athletic than I am now. I know most people are, but for me it was quite extreme. Yesterday I went to the Rec center, so I could accompany my family there, and I spent an hour and a half shooting free throws and I was warn out. Needless to say, when I got back, I needed the companionship of my old friend, the couch. It was a fun time for not me. Next time, I’m going to claim that I went to do laps and end up “lapping” in the hot tub.

In my freshman year of college, I pretty much went to class, ate lots of pizza in the late evenings (because they cafeteria closed at 6 pm, and played basketball. On the weekends, I often went dancing to the school dances, because I thought I was a pretty good dancer. The only reason I really danced though was to meet the pretty girls. Unfortunately, the dancing never really brought the girls to the yard, but I would ask them to dance and they would sometimes say yes.

Nowadays, I’m not really in the greatest shape to dance (as you read previously about the basketball incident), but that doesn’t mean I don’t still dance on accident.

This dogs isn’t dancing on purpose, he’s just hungry.

The other day, my wife, my two sisters, brother and spouses all went to the temple. Afterwards, my sister and her husband invited us to eat some food after, which I somehow did not turn down. We ordered our food, sat down and proceeded to chow down. Since we ordered water in two small cups, my wife asked me to get her some water. I took our two cups up to the soda machine to refill them, but someone was there, so I back up a step to give them some space. Then, as they were about to finish I stepped forward.

But then a worker that was about to bring some new ice for the machine needed to get through, so I stepped back. Then when the guy was done, I stepped forward again, got the ice, then side stepped to get a lid for our meals. I realized that even though I wasn’t planning on all these dance moves, I was doing the Lambada. Or the Macarena, or a waltz. One of those dances. I’m not sure. All I know is that moves were performed whether I liked it or not.

I feel like I was tricked. I did not want to make all those moves. I did not want to perform in front of this crowd. But somehow, I was manipulated into dancing. My feet were tired and sore after that.

It seems to me like we are constantly being duped into performing for others entertainment all the time. Whether it is singing in the shower or car, dancing in the restaurant or Target, putting words all over computers or on paper for people to read, or making our kids do artwork so we will have something to put up on our walls and fridges.

What are some dance moves you are doing for people all the time? What singing are you performing for other people? What art are you doing that you don’t even know about?


Bitter Busting a Move Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Beats Solo3 Wireless Headphones. The best way to unintentionally become a dancer, is to listen to your headphones. These Beats headphones are perfect for getting lost enough in the music to start dancing on the street, in a library or even at work. Bring out your inner dance fiend with the wireless headphones. On sale for $239.99, regularly $299.99, so like $60 off.


Movie Trending Bitter Friday Giftures


Some movies seem to have an impact on the trends of things we buy. Not every movie, but every once in a while movies affect the way people buy certain things, or attend certain adventures. I can think of a few examples, and you probably can too if you think hard enough. Like when Back to the Future came out, Deloreons became kind of cool and put them on the map. They kept the DMC alive for a little while, until everyone realized that they didn’t time travel. When Jurrassic Park came out, all of a sudden dinosaurs were all the rage. The most recent example I can think of is Aquaman. All of a sudden, there are more people at the pool. Swimmers of all kinds, trying to breathe underwater, trying to discover Atlantis, and trying to fight the Black Mantis. While it is great that people are going to the pool for often, it’s kind of cramping me and my son’s style. I just hope this fad dies down so we can have our rec center pool back. Speaking of being back, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures of the week.

After this moment…

…all of a sudden people are drinking more Gatorade.

This moment…

…lead to more elephants giving up soccer.

Grocery cart racing…

…took off as fast as she did.

All of a sudden…

…parkour is back.

And now…

…people are watching the Office.


…are up another 10%.

Cooking the spoon into the batter…

…is now all the rage.

Hot dogging…

…is trending on MySpace and Friendster.

Pie production…

…is up to since this gif came out(at least during Thanksgiving.)

People are now…

…starting to buy flowers again.

Faucet drinking…

…is experiencing a Renaissance.

And once again…

…ice bucket challenge fails gifs…are cool again.

Unfortunately, we can’t go back to 2013 when people were actually reading my blog and commenting on it. That is one trend that will never come back. Though you know what trend will never die? My Friday pizza tradition. Time to go get some.


Bitter Trending Movie Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: LG 65″ UHD Smart TV. Speaking of trending, the SuperB owl is coming up on Sunday and you will need something to view it on. How about this amazing deal? It is only $599.99 down from $899.99, so just take the money out of your kid’s piggybank and get one of these.


Bitter Not So Best Seller

Image result for batman movie 1989
Shouldn’t have read this.

When the first Batman movie came out with Micheal Keaton as Batman and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, it was a big deal. Back then it was very rare to get any comic book movie at all, and this was the first legit Batman movie. Sure there was a movie in which Batman fought a shark, but this is the first one that had a real budget. I was in high school and I remember the unbelievable hype surrounding me.  I was hyped.

I was so hyped that I decided to read the “novelized screenplay” book right before I saw the movie. I liked the book alright, but it absolutely ruined the movie for me. It was one of the most disappointing movie experiences I had in some time. In fact, it made me very weary to read a book I hadn’t read before I saw a movie. I did read the Harry Potter books before I saw the movie, but there was some time before I saw any of them, and I purposely didn’t read or re-read them before I saw the movie. And besides, the Harry Potter movies changed the books enough that reading them didn’t necessarily ruin the movies.

I know the rule is that the books are always better than the movies, but I don’t always agree. I think the Matrix was way better than the book. Also, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Inception and Rocky, are all better than the books. Okay, probably because they weren’t ever based on books, but that is besides the point.

Image result for matrix
The movie was much better than the book.

That leads me to the question, “Has there ever been a movie made that was based on a novel that wasn’t a best seller?”

All I know is every time they hype a movie, they are always selling the movie by proclaiming, “Based on the controversial best selling novel, Blard: The Time Travelling Whale!” or “Come see the laugh-a-minute hi-jinks of the movie based on H. Herbert Halladay’s classic romantic crime comedy best seller, Run of the Wildabeast’s in NYC!”

I assume that movie producers are just scouring the New York Times looking for novel 11 to move up to 10 so they can snatch it up, regardless of how good it is, how adaptable it is to me made into a movie, or if it is a kid’s book that is only 14 words long.

Let’s just get down to the reason why I really care. Do you think someone can just buy my finished, but not really finished novel that has not only not sold one copy, but not been bound into one copy to be sold? In other words, I have a book, but I haven’t had time to finish it and I was just wondering if some Hollywood writer can finish the book, give me all the credit and profits from movie?

So you do all the work and I get all the credit right?

That’s all I really ask. Do you think that is too much? Don’t worry, it is a really good book, but typing is really hard.

What do you guys think? Do you have any connections to a Hollywood writer, reader, producer or actor? Just one should be all I need.


Bitter Not Quite Best Seller Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces you Never Want to Leave by Joanna Gaines. It’s just a matter of time before this one makes the best seller list so they can make a movie out of it. Just make sure to watch the movie first, then read the book so you don’t ruin it, aight?


Bitter Parking Spaces

More holidays to do stuff like this.

There are a lot of debates out there. I don’t normally get into them unless I have huge amounts of ammo for one side, or I care way too passionately about them. For instance, I will talk to you all day long about how the United States of America needs way more federal holidays. Let’s face the facts, people. We work way too much. It’s great that we work so hard as a nation, but we also need to relax more, or we will experience massive burnout someday.

There is another debate out there that has to do with space. Not jumping on the moon kind of space, but the amount of space we have on our planet. I think this debate is purely point of view based. For instance, if you live in a crowded city like New York, New Delhi, or Newcastle, you probably think people are consuming the earth and space, and the fight for space is real. You probably think humans should stop procreating and just stop eating, drinking and building new homes and buildings.

On the other hand, if you are one of those people like me that lived in a place where there were hardly any people, South Dakota, you laugh heartily and say, “Why don’t all those people that live in China, India, Japan and New York just relocate to the middle of South Dakota and start something new there? They would debate with me on that and say something like food, water, infrastructure and in the middle of January, uh, freezing cold -50 degrees.

To which I would argue, South Dakota has corn, lots of it, and it rains and snows sometimes there, so there is your liquid, and infrastructure, if they can build a 500 story building in Tokyo or Dubai, they certainly could figure out one in South Dakota.

Plenty of no people here.

I just think we have so much space, but people tend to want to live near other people, even though most of those people annoy them so much. Another thing that annoys me so much is the space we get to park. I’ve got plenty of space in my house. What I don’t have is space in a crowded parking lot.

During Christmas, parking is most vexing, but it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is in most places. Almost all of them have reserved spaces. I’m down with handicapped spaces. They came in really handy for us when my mother-in-law lived with us and she needed to go to a store. She was less than mobile and needed every advantage to get into a store.

What’s next, reserved parking for audio departments?

Nowadays, there are more than just handicapped spots, and they are getting more vexing as time goes. It isn’t even the fact that we have to park farther back, but the trickiness that is involved in putting those spots there. There are spots for expectant mothers (how do they monitor those?), police officers, elderly, and now there are almost completed dedicated to pick up food and grocery spots. I can’t wait to see what they come up with next, but if they come up with any more, they will only have specialized spots and 1 spot for everyone else. And FYI, we don’t need a spot for police officers, they can basically park wherever they want.

What reserved spots have you seen that make you bitter? What spot would you like created just for you? When does it all stop?


Bitter Space Eaters Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: DJI Mavic Pro Drone – Gray. If you are tired of trying to find parking in lots, maybe shrinking down to the size of a drone and having your tech saavy son is the best move. If it is, I would suggest getting DJI Mavick Pro Drone from Target. They are pretty sweet, they take video, and they are awesome rides when you are a couple inches tall. They are also $799.99 right now which is $200 off. Get your drone today!


Store Discount

Yep. Can’t imagine how heated.

Believe it or not, my wife is supportive of my blogging efforts, as long as it doesn’t interfere with real work and family duties, which is has from time to time. In the beginning, I didn’t even tell her I had a blog, because I wasn’t sure she would like me writing about bitter things. But when she saw how funny it was and how I was getting readers responding to my posts, she started being okay with it.

What is kind of crazy is now, is several dozen of my post ideas came directly from her. Jay Mohr, the comedian and villain of Jerry McGuire once said that it wasn’t the things he had in common with his wife that made their love strong. It was the mutual distaste and complaining they both agreed on their kept them together. I absolutely believe that is true. My wife and I don’t have a lot in common. She is a girl and I’m a boy. I love sports and going out to movies. She doesn’t love sports, and likes staying in for movies. She loves Hallmark movies, I love making fun of Hallmark movies. She loves going to stores to spend money, I love going to stores to look…at other people.

What we have in common is complaining about others and observing the dumb things people do. We just start lighting up when we find something to complain about together.

Always something to complain about.

This weekend was a prime example. We went to McDonald’s and now they have those machines you have to use to order. As convenient as you would think they are to use, they are a little tricky to find the right categories. You have to tell them what you want on each burger, fry and drink, and then let them know what you want extra. It takes a little while to make sure you get everything right, and I observed almost everyone in the store having a little trouble and taking a lot of time. Nice for McDonald’s, not so much for the people ordering.

The worst part was when the touch screen wasn’t working on our machine. We were halfway through our order and couldn’t go any further. We each tried using what we thought was our special sense of touch to get it to work, but nothing did. My wife got so frustrated that she started slapping the machine and getting the attention of everyone around us.

They all started expressing their frustration, so she finally decided that we weren’t going to do the machine and just order from the cashier. Problem was, everyone was so busy either making food or catering to the precious drive through people, that we stood there for 5 minutes. My wife had enough and was like, “Excuse me, does anyone work here?! Are we going to have to go in the kitchen and make our own burgers?” Finally someone heard her anger and quickly moved toward the register.

Is anything in order around here?

After some frustration and bitterness, we finally got it ordered, even though the salad my wife wanted “wasn’t in stock”, so she didn’t even get her food. She assured me that she would be keeping the receipt so she could let the survey people have a piece of her mind. Needless to say, we won’t be going back there anytime soon.

What this experience brought up was an idea she had for stores and such. You know how we as the consumer are doing more of the work? Like McDonald’s we are ordering from the machine, or at a grocery store, we are not only checking out by ourselves more, but also scanning the items, and bagging our own groceries? Why aren’t we getting discounts for doing all the work for these people. I know they are there for something, but it seems like we have to do more work. We might as well get a discount for it.

What do you think? Should we get a discount for doing all this work at stores now? What problems have you had with fast food or grocery stores lately?


Bitter Discounted Rate Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Oreo Love Cookies. If you are having a hard time communicating your love for someone, stop saying things and just present things to them that show your love. How about Love Oreos? New at Target.


Danger Friday Giftures


As the old man in the cave in Legend of Zelda said to Link, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.” He was just being nice and handing Link a sword so he could survive all the weird acting animals in the world, but I think his advice is pretty strong today. It is definitely not safe to go outside. There are dangers everywhere like the sun, the moon, fresh air, and no couches. It seems like everytime someone leaves to go outdoors, something happens. So if you must, grab a sword, because that is the only way to keep safe from weird acting animals. Clearly, some people didn’t heed my warning, because there is no shortage of Bitter Friday Giftures.

As soon as this guy stepped outside…

…nothing but trouble. 

Ever feel like Indiana Jones…

…as soon as you step outside? 

Saving the day…

…seems out of the question. 

Running outside…

…just gets you nowhere. 

Flipping out…

…does you no good.

Camping is never…

…not a disaster. 

Even jumping…

…is much harder outdoors.

The wildlife…

…is way wilder outdoors. 

Backpacking is…

…nothing but a burden.


…outdoors is pretty useless.

Even Sasquatch…

…prefers the indoors.

Well, at least we finally found…

…the best outdoor attire. 

So in conclusion, make sure to avoid danger at all costs. Stay indoors, don’t go camping, run to the safety of your couch. Or at least walk.


Bitter Danger is not my middle name Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Amazon Echo Dot. Not only will this little device keep you safe from those nasty outdoors, but they will keep you laziness at its peak. No longer do you need to get up to do anything anymore. Just make the Amazon Echo Dot do it. Super sale right now. Only $24.99, which is 38% off. Get two if you must!

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