As an introvert, you are always trying to find ways out of talking. Often you have to get crafty to find ways to avoid people and situation. It nice to have tools at your disposal that help you in a bind. When my kids were younger they were a great tool. Anytime you thought someone was talking to you too much, you would have a kid at your side, that “needed to get their diaper change” or “looked a little hungry” or “was getting a little antsy”.
Thankfully, the smart phone made things a little easier too. As long as you have it, there are always ways out of having to talk to people, ironic as that sounds. You could be in the middle of an uncomfortable chat with a co-worker and “oh, I just got a text from my wife, got to take this”, or “got a call from a doctor, have to go in the other room.”
Another one I like to use is mirrors. Mirrors aren’t always easily available, but honestly, all you need is a shiny surface. Windows work well in a pinch. They are best used as a way to know who is coming from behind you. A lot of times when you are sitting at your desk, happily avoiding work at all costs and you need to be able to switch to something work related quickly, a mirror is your best friend. It almost like an early warning system (or a Kevin from the Office, which is actually a really bad warning system).
When you are driving, you don’t really realize how important mirrors are until you don’t have one. I was on my way home once and was turning a curve down a road I took all the time and I was barreling toward a car that was in front of me. I didn’t realize until it was too late, and swerved out of the way onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the guy in front of me. I did have to pay a price though. My side mirror got cracked on the car and shattered. I had to figure out a way to drive without a side mirror and it was frightening how many times I looked over and used it.
The other day while on my way home, I looked in the rear view mirror and a strange thought came to me. All these people in cars are following me. For all I know, these cars could be tracking me down. Maybe this is just paranoid me, but at any second, all of them could start going after me, like I was James Bond that just had amnesia. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of that at least once.
All I know is that mirrors could put weird ideas into your head.
What do you think? Are mirrors a valuable tool for you? Or do they just make you paranoid like me?
Bitter Rear View Mirror Ben
I’ve written pretty extensively about the Office. If you weren’t any the wiser you might have thought that I was repping for The Office. You know like paid a lot of money to write about a show that has been off the air since 2013. I have pretty much watched it non stop since it went off the air, thanks to Netflix and even made it a regular Friday thing at work. I love it so much that I’ve applied to work at a mid-sized paper company. I look at everyone in my office and try to figure out which character they are.
I even predicted the Office on Broadway almost a year before they actually made that happen. Recently I found out that there is an auction for The Office furniture. A lot of things up for auction, you wouldn’t pay more than a dollar for in real life, but since they appeared on the show, most things sold for more than $500 and some up to $2000.
Some of the items up for auction included Pam’s mouse pad ($950), Dwight’s Jewelry Box with key ($1000), Creed’s Computer Monitor ($325), Micheal’s Paper Tray ($1200) and Jim’s Phone ($4500). Imagine if they would have been able to sell this stuff when they were on the show. They never would have had to worry about downsizing, the fun run that spawned this answering of the phone by Pam for the fun run, “Michael Scott’s Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.”
They wouldn’t have had to have the auction where Michael had the Bruce Springsteen concert tickets. They wouldn’t have had to drive to New York to beg David Wallace to shut down the branch.
But thank goodness they didn’t have the money at the time.
If they didn’t the Office wouldn’t have had all those classic episodes. The ones where Michael was desperate to save the company so he did amazingly rash things. The ones where Dwight got all power hungry and did whatever it took to become the Regional Manager.
You see a lot of people dream about having a lot of money and that it will solve all their problems. I think quite the opposite. How would I have this super successful bitter blog, if I had all this money? I would be complaining about stupid, unrelatable stuff like why my second vacation to Hawaii this week was canceled. Or why my butler hadn’t fixed the toilet in my 14th bathroom. A few of you ultra rich individuals could relate, but not many.
And hey, Paul Allen died this week. A co-founder of Microsoft, a multi-billionaire and has the same dang fate we all do, which is, no matter how much money you have, you can’t take it with you. And it can’t save you from dying.
So I’ll continue to be a poor sap, writing about my bitter life of wishing I could afford Dwight’s stapler, but knowing that if I bought it, it would staple just the same as the $20 one I got for work.
What do you all think? How did this super random post about The Office Auction devolve into a discussion about money and death? How do my posts start one way and end so differently? What are your feelings about too much money? How would money corrupt/make you better?
Bitter The Office Auction Ben
All I want to do when I go to my son’s football games is to sit there and complain about things. I, of course, want to complain that he isn’t eligible to go to the NFL so I can start living my dream of leaching off someone else and living on the couch 24/7, but most people just laugh that off. If it isn’t complaining about that, it’s another thing like him not making a sack on every play or the weather being too hot or too cold.
What I really want to complain about when I can’t sit and complain and I end up having to volunteer to do something during the game. Let’s be straight. I never voluteerfor anything. I get forcefully volunteered because everyone else outlazies me. It’s really annoying. So this week, I had to hold the chains. You know, the markers that tell the players where the first down is? I’m not a big fan of standing, especially for long periods of time. I find it is counterproductive and against everything I, uh, stand for.
So the whole game, I’m at the mercy of some zebra strip wearing ref telling me what to do, where to stand. Go here, go there, stand there. If there is anything I can’t stand, it’s standing. The other thing I can’t stand is being micromanaged. So, basically this was my nightmare.
At least while being bitter about all this, I got to think about how these 2 Chainz (also a rap group) were like life. It could relate to my marriage. We are connected by the chain. There is a little bit of freedom (around 10 yards worth in any direction), but there is also a connection. Stray too far and you will either get pulled back in by the connection to your wife, or you will break the chain and get whirled out of site, out of mind, and into another abyss.
It also has this allusion to freedom as well. A lot of people have a comfort zone and will usually not stray out of the 10 yards circle. Occasionally a person will break out of the comfort zone and try something completely different, and make something truly great, like Gates, Jobs, or Zuckerberg. For a while. But then they will just be whirrled into a new comfort zone for a while again. Have billions of dollars, but not really stick outside that comfort zone again. People think comfort zones are bad, but in reality, if you didn’t have them, you would basically be a manic running around like a chicken with their heads cut off. No one would ever have a family, a job, or a place to call home. They would be like Matt Damon in The Martian, Sandra Bullock in Gravity or Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence without their tethers to a ship of some kinds. They would be aimlessly wandering the depths of space. So yeah, 2 Chainz can seem pretty confining sometimes, but they also keep us tethered to something too.
Unfortunately they make you do work too, which kind of sucks.
What about you? How do you feel about chains? Are you happy to be tethered to something like a home, family, or job? Or do you prefer wandering out in space more?
Bitter Space Cadet Ben
Fall. I always hate this time of year. There are all the leaves falling, the shorter days, and the coldness. Sometimes I just wish that it wouldn’t take so long for the light to disappear. I mean seriously, why does the light have to be so prevalent? Life would be so much better if it were just dark all day and all night. Night has this whole thing down, but day keeps trying to squeeze in every last ounce of light. We all know that people are just less productive at night. I know I am. I can’t remember the last thing I accomplished at night. If we could continue to have more darkness, productivity would cease, and we could all just get better at doing nothing. Winter can’t come soon enough. Speaking of things that can’t come soon enough, how about some bitter Friday Giftures?
This kid gets it…
You can hardly contain this guy…
The darkness would discourage…
Can’t we all just…
Why are we all in such a rush…
Can we just stop…
These girls know…
This kid is just…
This kid is certainly ready to…
This guy has finally learned…
What wood these guys do…
Let’s hang on to the bitterness as long as we can, while fall keeps giving us light from time to time and hope that winter along with its cold and bitter weather, but also its lack of light can only bring us the dimmest of hope.
What do you think about fall? Why is it so terrible for you?
Bitter Fall Terribleness Ben
Have you ever seen those Huggies commercials where the parents dote on their first kid and treat them like glass? The reason those commercials are so effective is because all of us treated our first borns like a piece of glass. We santized the heck out of the place, and got everything baby proofed. I remember getting one of those memberships to the baby photo places and get pictures of her every single month. This could be a complete bitter post about those stupid photo places, but I’ll save that for another day.
Point is, we made sure that kid was completely taken care of. We even made sure that the kid didn’t get overwhelmed with too many people. Some people call that sensory overload. We didn’t want her to get overwhelmed with too many people or things going on around her. The crazy part is that we didn’t try that hard with our second kid and believe it or not, he didn’t mind. In fact, he actually thrives in environments where sensory overload is prevelant. The more friends he is juggling, the better for him. He runs toward a crowd. We will often see him playing online with friends and then inviting other people and he interacts with others.
On the other hand, there is me. I might be a multi-tasker, but when it comes to handling multiple people at a time I go crazy. Yesterday, just happened to be one of those days. I talked just yesterday about hating being in the middle of two different people. Well, I guess the universe decided that they were going to take that hatred of being in the middle and dumped me right in the middle.
I won’t get into the specifics, but yesterday I was right in the middle of a massive day of changes in my office when I got a text from my wife. She said, and I quote, “Holy ship (ship emoji) call me when you get a minute.” I always know that when she texts me to call her during the day it is urgent and usually bad news. My gut dropped like it does when I anticipate bad news, and I willed myself to call her. She dropped a bomb on me that involved people splitting up and it wasn’t the Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck thing. Just as I completed my blog post about being in the middle of things, I instantly became a guy in the middle of things. Arrrrgh.
But it didn’t stop there. In the middle of talking to my wife on the phone someone beeped through. That never happens to me, so I was shocked and almost couldn’t figure out how to ignore call and go back to my wife. Anyway, it was my realtor, but I had to put him on ignore and went back to processing my wife’s bomb. Another of my friends wanted me to call him later. Three phone calls in one day. My head is about ready to explode.
Then my boss had a meeting with me and a few others about a whole metric ton of things I will be doing in the next year. I can barely process a day, let alone a year. Job security, but a lot of work too.
Then on the way home, I listened to the message that my realtor left. He wanted me to help him with some Facebook Ads. He was offering me money to do it, but I had to tell him how much. I have barely ever ran ads and have no idea what to charge.
Bitter Ben doesn’t do well with too many informations. So usually what I do is nothing.
What about you? How do you handle sensory overload? Do you crave it like my son? Or does your head explode like mine?
Bitter Sensory Overload Ben
I’ve probably talked about this before, but I’m pretty terrible at song lyrics. I don’t even try to understand what they are saying or what they are supposed to mean. If I don’t like the music part of a song, it will end up on my DO NOT LISTEN pile. I like to make up my own lyrics anyways. Remember that Michael Jackson song, Man In the Mirror? Sometimes I would sing it right, but most of the time, I would just sing it as Man in the Middle.
I despise being in the middle. I grew up in a family of 5 kids and I was the second one. I do have the distinction of being the oldest boy (meaning my father wanted me to be all responsible and such), but not being the oldest overall. My younger brother who was the absolute middle used his middleness to be a troublemaker. I liked that because he would act out and basically become a human shield for me. He would do something stupid first, get the attention of my parents wrath, and then I would do the same thing afterward and not get in trouble because he was already taking the attention away. It did lead to some bitter jealousy though. Being in the middle of a family was kind of hard.
But not as bad as being in the middle of a thing. You know what I mean, right? It’s kind of like being a hostage negotiator, without actually caring about either the terrorist or the hostages. Here’s an example from high school. You have a friend. Your friend has a crush. The friend wants to know if the crush has interest in them. Your friend asks you to talk to the crush to find out. You ask the crush. The crush mentions they might. What does the friend say? You end up being the one that transfers all the information to the other. It becomes a cycle of people asking you to say things. It becomes a mind-numbingly bitter exercise that you don’t want to be involved in.
The last week or so, we’ve been trying to get insurance at work. My wife is the one dealing with trying to figure it out, while I’m the one at work, trying to sign up for it. We have people on both sides of us, trying to get us to send them information. My wife has questions about our insurance, my work has questions for us. I know nothing of them, except what each side wants me to ask. I get caught in the middle. It becomes my nightmare.
I am not a hostage negotiator. I don’t care what goes on for each side. Don’t involve me in the middle. Don’t make me the escape goat (as Micheal Scott would say). Don’t tell me a secret and expect me to keep it from other people. I am basically the human Telephone game, you know the one where you whisper one thing at the beginning to a series of people and at the end, the info is completely changed? Pass information to me to tell another and I will completely botch it. Don’t make me the Man In the Middle.
What do you think? Do you hate being the man or woman in the middle? What is the least favorite situation you’ve been in the middle for?
Bitter Middle Man Ben
This one probably goes back a little while. I was what you would consider a marginal athlete. Once, back in the mid 80’s, I got the Presidential Fitness award. Most years, I passed every test with flying colors except the pull ups. I had pretty weak arms and never lifted weights, except when my track and field team required it. I played basketball and softball, and when I was in 3rd and 4th grade was considered one of the faster runners and one of the hardest to tackle players when I played football.
I had all the makings of an athlete, but what always stopped me from being elite was laziness. I almost always whined and complained about going to practice. I couldn’t stand all the work. I hated sweating and planning and plays. I thought that practicing plays was kind of counter intuitive. Why should we stifle our creativity so we can run the exact plays we are supposed to run. If we are constantly running the plays, how can the improvisational plays that a great athlete makes happen? And why do we practice 80 times longer than we actually play? So what if we get tired during the game? We get tired during practice all the time. There were no cheerleaders or girl crushes watching practice.
What I’m really trying to say is that I have always preferred laying on the couch to running, jumping, flying or even walking.
I’ve had people try to get me into hiking, especially since we live in an area that has a lot of mountain hikes available. They say it is good exercise, there is a lot of fresh air, and when you get to the top there are great views. I would argue that I can get all those things from my couch. I move around on the couch all the time. I have air conditioning. What air is more fresh than air conditioning? Great views? Have you seen my 4K TV? I have amazing views from all around the world, not just the one view from that mountain I just climbed. In fact, if you take a look at the view right below your feet on a hike, it’s just a lot of dirt and rocks, and animal feces. My 4K tv edits out all the stuff.
Besides, if I want a hike, I can do that in my house. Just the other day, I did a hike the likes of which I’m guessing most of you have probably never done.
My son is an almost 11 year old 162 pound freak of nature (see nature comes into this picture even). He is still a kid at heart (because he is almost 11) and he still wants me to do everything for him. Make him a sandwich, get him the remote, pick up his football gear, take off his shoes. Most days he still wants me to tuck him, which in itself is a job and a half, because he wants me to chase him up the stairs.
I’m usually out of breath by the time I’m up to stair 3, but he wants me to wrestle him when I get to the bed. By that time, I need a 40 minute nap before I go down the stairs.
The other day, he made me carry him on my back. Seriously? Up 15 stairs? I know professional hikers that couldn’t perform that task. I know they carry backpacks that are heavy, but not 160 pounds, I assure you that.
I promise you hiking is the worst. My shoulders, my back, and especially my knees were aching and sore after that hike. Never again.
What about you guys? What treacherous hikes have you had to make lately?
Bitter Hiking a Mountain Ben
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis. I saw this quote recently and have seen it is many different forms throughtout the years. I believe it. I think to be successful you have to go through a lot of trials. Or just have really rich parents that will give you all their money willingly.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have rich parents that gave me all their money. Also, they didn’t give me any real hardships while growing up either. They did their best to teach me good values and morals. Ughh. How am I supposed to be ambitious, and cunning and cutthroat when my parents supported me and made me feel good about myself? Don’t they know they need to be the worst, so I will use those hardships to become extraordinary? That meant that I had to work to find hardships and we all know that I’m way too lazy to work for things. Unfortunately, now I’m stuck in my middling life, just like you will all be stuck having to look at these giftures to take your mind off this terrible writing. With further ado…Friday Giftures..
What I meant to do…
The sad part about this guy…
This guy just took the bottle flip..
This is how a real…
This is how a real…
This is how all kids…
This is how all basketball players…
This is how all…
This is how all cats…
This is my life…
All I have to say is that my life would be so much better if I had just faced more obstacles. But since I didn’t, I will have to just complain about everyone else and how they made my life a mess. I mean, if you can’t blame others for your mistakes, who can you blame?
Bitter Hardships Ben
When I was young, I was asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. At first, all I knew is that I didn’t want to do something boring. And for me that meant anything to do with numbers. So that basically took out most careers that would make money. That means no accounting, no coding, not a mathematician, scientist, or computer genius. I wasn’t a good drawer, or artist or anything good with my hands. Good heavens my hands super awkward. I also wasn’t good at speaking, acting, or super pushy. It was easy to eliminate what I didn’t want to do. But it didn’t really tell me what I wanted to do.
I eventually decided the only thing I would semi-like to do is something with words. I looked up what advertising copywriters got to do and it seemed super fun and creative. I thought that was the life for me. I took all the classes I could find on marketing, advertising, and writing. I really enjoyed the marketing and advertising, but I wasn’t so good at writing. Most of my writing classes dealt with structure and rules and I didn’t like that. I just wanted to be a free flowing writer. One that wrote copy for Nike ads. How hard could that be? Just slap a Just Do It! on everything and you are gold, right?
It didn’t work out and I ended up taking the more circitrous route to writing for a living. I leveraged this blog into a writing gig, that lead me to another writing gig and now I write things for a living. I guess that is how most people eventually end up doing what they are doing, write? (just kidding, I mean right). You eventually have to get out of your lane a little.
I have communted most of my career, and for some reason, most of the time I drove home, I stayed in the same lane. It was safer and less risky. You don’t have to think, and because of that you can sleep more while driving home. Just kidding, I only occasionally nodded off. I used to think that I had to stay in the same lane the whole time. Until recently. I decided that if I wanted to get home and achieve my goal of laying on the couch as much as possible, I had to find a faster way home.
I started taking the risk of changing lanes. I had to find the one that was moving faster, or had less cars, or was just a little smoother. Either way, I considered the lanes like a basketball player would consider his free agency. Once he was free to change teams, he had some choices to consider. He could play for a winning team and maybe get a little less money, or play for a bad team and get a lot more. At least he had options.
You don’t have to stay in your lane forever. You can decide to try a different lane for a little while. It is risky to get into another lane, because some dude could come speeding in your lane and you wouldn’t see him and crash. But if you try another lane you might get where you are going faster. There is no law telling you that you have to stay in one lane the whole time. Live it up, make a change. Maybe even make your own blog, uh I mean lane, that doesn’t follow the rules.
What do you think? Do you stay in your own lane, or do you like to hop around a lot? How do you feel about making your own lane?
Bitter Lane Closure Ben
I have watched a lot of sports in my lifetime. The longer I’ve lived, the more of a spectacle it has become. When I was younger the color television was still pretty new, the channels were few and far between and if you could see a game on TV or one in person, you were actually pretty lucky. Most of my sports watching wasn’t even watching but more perusing the newspaper to find a box score that told me if they won or not.
Then ESPN was born. And then Fox Sports, and CBS Sports, CNNSi, and then ESPN 2, ESPN 3, and then of course, ESPN 8, or the Ocho as they call it and 24 hour sports coverage began. If there is a moment in sports, these guys cover it, analyze it, break it down and glorify it. The level at which these guys hype sports is absolutely outrageous.
I’ve learned very few things in my life, but this is one of them. Hype almost always lead to disappointment. That includes movies, TV shows, sports and just about anything in life. Which leads me to one of the biggest hyped things you probably don’t think about. At least I rarely do.
The weather. I don’t know if meteorologists crave the spotlight, or if they just enjoy being wrong all the time despite the amazing amount of research and preperation they do just to be made to look like a fool, but it must be really hard to be a meteorologist.
I live in Utah, which is essentially a desert surrounded by mountains and a few salty lakes. It is dry around here all the time, especially in the summer and early fall. In fact, we were mostly on fire the last few months.The words Hurricane are uttered a lot by meteorologists in lots of places around this country. Florida, Texas, the Carolinas, but not a lot around here.
Last week someone mentioned that there was a Hurricane Rosa coming and we needed to be prepared. I thought they were joking. Then there were additional reports about the hurricane during the weekend, and I realized they weren’t joking. Apparently this hurricane off the coast of California was coming and it wasn’t going right back out to sea, it was coming inland. At least that is what the meteroligists were telling me.
Man, were they hyping this thing up. They were telling us to get flood insurance, and to batten down our hatches, get some sandbags, the works. Then last night happened. It was supposed to swarm us and drown us in feet of water.
I felt like one of those scoffers of Noah that told him it wasn’t going to rain. And finally, around 10 oclock, it started to rain. Which, I’m used to because I lived in Seattle. We got lightning and it rained for a few hours, but by the time our fire alarm went off at 3:30 am this morning, it has stopped. They hype machines had disappointed once again. In fact, my biggest disappointment was that there were no puddles to splash in on the way into work.
What about you? How has hype let you down? What movie, sports event, concert, entertainment event or weather forecast has let you down the most?
Bitter Hype Machine Ben
You probably aren’t too surprised by the content I come up with every day. Most of it is stuff that I think about during the day or while I am driving. Since I drive 45 minutes both to work and back, a lot of my thinking time happens when I get bored driving home. I’m apparently not allowed to read a book or look at my smartphone, but somehow I’m still doing a lot of reading on the way home.
I’m not sure how these people justify all the time and money they spend, but I want to know statistically how many accidents these things are causing.
I don’t know about your highway, but mine has a lot of the reader signs. These are official legit electronic signs that are part of the government issued signs. Some tell about how much time it is from one spot on your trip to another. For instance, I have one every morning that tells me how much time it is from where I am to Interstate 215. I know that if it says 10 minutes traffic is usually running pretty smoothly. Like I will slow down to 40 a couple of times, but for the most part, it won’t be stop and go.
Another one of these signs is actually an advice column. It gives inspirational quotes about how dangerous the roads have been this year. Like “210 lives lost this year on Utah roads” or their sign for October is “Nothing is scarier than not having your kids buckled up.” Super motivational quotes like that.
Then we have the construction signs. There is the “Warning: In 2 miles the highway will split”, so make sure you are in the right lane, or you will be 70 miles off your course before you can turn around. One will have “No shoulder driving” and I’m like trust me, I drive with my hands. My shoulders are too sore.
Then there are the signs that say you need to slow down to 60 miles an hour because of construction and if you get caught speeding, your fine will double. I wouldn’t mind slowing down if I actually saw any construction workers around ever. And I can’t slow down because everyone is going 80 and if I slowed down to even 70, I would look like I was Driving Ms. Daisy to her Sunday afternoon tea.
The worst part of all now is the billboards. The ones that say, “Checking Texts cause wrecks.” Oh yeah, how about the billboards that flash every 10 seconds with a new advertisement? How many wrecks are they causing? Probably more than people checking their texts. I did a lot of reading in school, but I would say less than the number of ads I read on a typical day home from work. I guess I at least know that I can read. I just wish that billboards would stop telling me to slow down, stop checking my texts, be sure to buckle my kids in their chairs and instead, stop being the distraction.
What do you think? Should billboards just quit it? Should they stop being hypocrites? Should they stop making me read all the way home?
Bitter Hypocrite Billboards Ben