Running on a Treadmill Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Whatever you do, don’t go to the doctor. You think you are just going there for a routine check or to get some pills so they can just easily cure you. Turns out that isn’t the case. They grilled me about everything that was wrong with me, and boy was there everything wrong with me. They did give me some pills, but way more than that, they gave me all kinds of assignments. Like, don’t eat any caffeine or chocolate for the rest of the day. On Halloween. Oh, and we need you to run on a treadmill. WTF?

In honor of having to run on a treadmill, here are a bunch of gifs that have to do with running in place and uselessness.

This is going to be me…

…today.

This is the closest to…

…space exploration I will ever be doing.

This is the kind of treadmill challenge…

…I am up to.

Who says…

…dinosaurs don’t exist?

Some people…

…get way into Halloween.

Some people are just in a hurry…

…to get treadmilling.

Some people become Ninja’s…

…just so they can run on treadmills. 

This is how I feel when they ask me to treadmill…

…leaf me alone. 

After a hard workout, I just wanna know…

…water you doing?

This is what I do…

…as soon as I finish with the treadmill.

This is how I feel…

…as soon as I finish working.

Me at work on Friday…

…when someone asks me to do something for the weekend.

Alright enough of this. I have to go get ready for the first and possibly last time I will be running on a treadmill. Wish me luck.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Treadmill Ben

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Weening off Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into using long names for people. I’ve always been a nickname person. For each of my siblings, my wife and kids – I have nicknames for all of them. Who needs to call someone their long name? That requires so much effort. I even go by my short name. Can you imagine having to get bitter advice from a guy called Bitter Benjamin? It would be such a hassle to spell all those words out.

Which brings me to my point. Halloween is coming up and it has always been such a long name. Three syllables, 9 letters and a couple of repeat letters. I think it is time to ween ourselves off of the long version of the name and just call it Ween. Or Wen so we don’t repeat any letter.  You know, we probably need to just move onto the Bitter Friday Giftures just so we can cleanse our pallets of this ridiculous rant. Here they are:

Cats certainly don’t like…

…ween. 

Trees get a little short…

…because no one listens to them. 

Your playtime sometimes…

….needs to be shortened too. 

Sometimes even your poles…

…fall a little short.

Skateboards have a tendency…

…to fast track you to the hospital.

It always seems like things

…swing in other people’s favor.

What do you say…

…we kick things off.

Like mother…

…like son.

Some people are so talented…

…they can do things backward.

Sometimes…

…you just have to take a big leap of faith.

Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life…

…and hope that someone is there to catch you.

Sometimes you have to improvise…

…and hope nobody notices.

I like my posts just like I like my names. Short and bitter. Have a weekend.

ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Shortness Ben

Editing Bitterness

via GIPHY

 

I’ve been doing a whole lot of editing lately, and not of the written word. I’m really bad at that, even though my wife thinks I’m really good at it.  She always makes me edit my kid’s papers.  The problem is that their teachers start to believe that my kids are mediocre writers instead of the good ones that they really are. I mean, have you seen me edit my blog even once? This blog is a grammar graveyard, and that is just the spelling. If a professional editor ever got a hold of this thing, they would be seeing red in their nightmares for weeks, because of all the red pen they would need to use.

What I have been editing are videos. I have always liked editing video because first of all, you get to see all the funny footage, and second, you can very easily change the story just by what you take out and splice together. It’s kind of a fun process and also excruciatingly boring at the same time. The end result can shock and amuse. I hope to someday edit a Hallmark movie to make it good (by editing it as a horror story), or edit something great like John Wick and make it horrible.

via GIPHY

Sometimes I wish I could edit parts of my life. Not that I wouldn’t keep all the footage (you know for all those funny blooper-like moments). Honestly, it’s not like most of my life hasn’t been recorded like in The Truman Show. Let’s be honest, cameras are everywhere. You think you are alone in your house? Not bloody likely.

There is Siri, Alexa, Google, your kid’s cell phones, your DSLR, your nanny cam, your cameras that keep your baby safe and everyone’s Ring. And that is just in your house. Imagine all the footage of you at work. You probably think there aren’t any there, but you would be wrong. Then when you go to Wal-Mart or Target, they could make the movie of your life with all the footage they have of you there.

I’m okay with all the cameras everywhere. I just want to be able to edit my footage. It would also be nice to edit out people from your life that you just want to forget. Like a boss that was horrible or a job that didn’t teach you anything, but misery or suffering and didn’t even add anything to your resume.

via GIPHY

On the other hand, it would be nice to get some additional footage of a rare person that made you laugh off your miserable life, or smile in a really crappy situation, or understood your horrifically underrated dry humor. It would be nice to give them a little more of a starring role in your life’s film.

Life is pretty much unedited. Thankfully, my brain is the ultimate editor. It stores all the super boring moments on that hard drive that collects dust in the back of the cerebellum cabinet.

Who or what do you want edited out of your life movie?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Spooky Story Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I’ve never been big into the spooky part of Halloween. I will occasionally visit a haunted house or watch a scary movie, but they don’t really define the season for me. It isn’t those corn mazes or pumpkins that seem to pop up overnight in every field, henhouse, doghouse, and backyard. It isn’t the pumpkin spice everything that is more prevalent than corn mazes either.  Nope, the thing defines the season for me is candy.

I love when my kids go trick or treating and bring back sacks full of candy for me to raid. I’m 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that I don’t eat all their candy, but I can just floss a little more and they will never know. HAHAHAHAHAHA (in the Vincent Price voice from Micheal Jackson’s Thriller).

In other news, I have a really short but spooky story for you. As a guy who doesn’t really like kids, even his own that much, I had a babysitting gig. Well, not me, but my wife. She volunteered to watch our Great Niece and I just happened to be in the room. She occasionally had to hand the baby thing to me and I had to figure out how to make it stop crying and make my back cry even less. Suffice it to say, it was really spooky; for me and the baby. I think she was returned in one piece, though a little stinkier and less than stellar shape. What’s worse is my back feels bad. More about me, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures:

This guy…

…didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

This is how I move…

…in the morning too.

I feel this guy’s pain…

…I have anger management issues too.

My favorite…

…meal in October.

Carving pumpkins…

…without a sharp knife is scary.

I hate it when I get stuck…

…inside my car seat.

Or wear the wrong costume…

…to a party.

Some people…

…are just a little too into pumpkin spice.

And others get just a little…

…too much into character.

Transformers…

…roll out.

 

Thankfully…

…the pumpkin will wear off eventually.

Would that be…

…such a shame?

Hopefully things won’t get too much more spooky for you from here on out. This time of year kind of gets to be a speed round of holidays and it’s hard to keep up. Thankfully as an old dude, I just kind of sleep through most of it anyways. Just don’t let your kids be babysat by me. Or I might accidentally sit on them.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Spooky Story Ben

Free Time Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When you are younger all you want is for people to pay attention to you. Feed me, cuddle me, give me toys, take me to the park.

When you get older and can feed yourself, get all the cuddling you can handle from your kids, get all the toys you really want, and can’t stand running in the park anymore, you just want people to leave you the heck alone.

With work swallowing up 40+ hours a week, family swallowing up 25+ and sleep 40+ a week, there really isn’t that much time for the old bitter self.  Why does everyone else require so much time from me, but Bitter Guy can’t get a few minutes every few weeks? We’ll leave the answer up to the Bitter Friday Giftures.

It doesn’t help that people…

…are they way that they are.

Why does everyone always have to…

…act so helpful?

I said…

…I’m done talking.

Maybe I will look forward…

…to my days of not being able to hear so well.

I have to do something important…

…like play games.

My favorite thing…

…to do.

How I feel…

…whenever someone says a word.

Whenever some asks me…

…for directions.

Just curious.

Neither do I…

…why are you here again?

Yeah…

…you stay over there.

Alrighty…

…gotta go.

What are some of your best tactics for letting people know you gotta go? I always just start inching toward the door and pretending I can’t hear you. Do you have any advice for me so I can get better at people avoidance?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Avoiding people Ben

Car Investigative Report Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When we wake up to get ready for school/work, we turn on the news. I despise most news because it is all just a bunch of politics and bad news about murder and court appearances and such. But every once in a while, a news story comes along where you can just make fun of people. It’s the best.

One such story came up today about a person that drove their car into a lake. Happy memories of Micheal Scott from the Office came to mind as I happily recall him asking in the same episode, “WHERE ARE THE TURTLES!” As I was happily recalling those memories, I thought I heard the newscaster say that they were investigating the car to find out what happened. Obviously, the GPS was at fault, because it told you to turn right there. Just like this blog is taking right turn into Bitter Friday Giftures.

Some Fridays just feel like a…

…drive into a lake kind of day.

Other Fridays, you just want to drive…

…into a pool.

Other times…

…a simple garage will do.

Other times…

…you’re more in the mood to step it up a few levels.

Other times…

…you just feel like you’re on fire.

Other times…

…you feel like you are a stuntman.

Other times…

…you feel like some cars belong in the river.

Other times you feel like…

…finding just the right place to park.

Sometimes…

…it feels like everyone failed the parking part of driver’s ed.

Sometimes cars…

…just don’t know when to stop.

It’s fun…

…to play with full-sized remote control cars.

Just make sure your car…

 

…get’s a raise.

Treat your car right this weekend okay? Let it have some fun getting out there, driving into a lake, or speeding along a really nice curve or even knocking another one into the river. It doesn’t just want to hang in the garage or parking lot all weekend. Let it have some fun for once.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Car Day Friday Ben

Harry Bitter Friday Giftures

 

I was watching Harry Potter last night and it reminded me of something spooky. No, not witches and wizards or Horcruxes or Voldemort. It reminded me of something I did just yesterday. I didn’t like my haircut, so I fixed it myself. My hair is already bad enough, but then letting myself hack it up even more is a really bad idea.

I just took the old Wahl clippers out and hacked the side of my hair. I just can’t stand when it gets long, because then it reveals how many grey hairs there are, and that is my best look. I got hair all over the sink and in my hair(ironically) so I had to sweep in all up and take a shower to get it all out. Luckily, my wife didn’t notice until I told her and she cares more that I didn’t spend $12.95, than how my hair turned out. Anyways, so it was a pretty Harry situation. See how Harry Potter reminded me of my bad hair cut? I’m guessing you would just rather it reminded me to do the Friday Bitter Giftures so you could get on with your day. Here you go:

Who’s ready for the weekend…

…and not for Monday?

Who’s ready to be a little…

…unicorny this weekend?

Who’s ready to make…

…their TV debut this weekend?

Who is going to me talking to their animals…

…this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to meet a celebrity this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to FACE the music this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to start a boy band this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…drop the mic this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to go on a road trip this weekend?

Who’s ready…

…to flip out this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

…go to the beach this weekend?

Who’s ready to…

 

…go dancing this weekend?

None of you? Yeah me either.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Harry Potter Ben

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