Random Doesn’t Equal Funny

According to my daughter, random doesn’t equal funny. Although according to her, she also thinks puns aren’t funny. Actually, I think she also just thinks I’m not funny. Yeah, that is it. That wasn’t always true though. She used to laugh when I played Peek-A-Boo. I guess the older you get, the less you think older people are funny. So maybe humor is subjective. Some people think everyone is funny, while others think nothing is funny. Actually that isn’t true. Gifs are funny to everyone, no matter who you are or how young or old you are. Which means that at least once a week, a post I write is funny. Knowing that prepare to laugh at other with Bitter Friday Giftures.

There is nothing funnier than…

…weddings failing. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than flipping fails. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than swings failing.

There is nothing funnier…

…than bikes falling in lakes.

There is nothing funnier…

…than kangaroo/trampoline fails. 

There is nothing funnier…

…than turtle diving fails.

There is nothing funnier…

…than elephants slipping up.

 

There is nothing funnier…

…than Transformer blooper reels. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…the triple slip. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…improvised fails. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…accidental chair fails. 

There is nothing funnier than…

…tree pull up fails. 

So there you have it. You know all know what the funniest thing is. Please refer to the gifs above for all the evidence.

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Bitter Random Not Funny Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Game of Thrones: The complete first season. There is nothing funnier than Game of Thrones. Pick up season one to get some really great laughs. On sale for $24.99, regularly $29.99.

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Bitter Cancellation

I decided to cancel today.

I used to think that you had no choice in a lot of matters. Once you sign up for something, you were part of that thing for life. A year and a half ago, we signed up for Netflix and every month since, whether we watched something or not, they charged us $11 a month. It was pretty great when we were living in my parent’s condo, jobless, and with no access to cable or satellite. A lot of people get Netflix for this reason. I used to love the Office when it was on the air, but I lost contact with them for a while. Then, when we signed up for Netflix, amid all the content, Netflix original or otherwise, I would binge-watch the Office. I finished, thought about other programming, then realized there was nothing out there as compelling as the Office, so I just watched it again and again and again.

Recently we moved into a new home. The HOA’s included cable, and all of a sudden, we stopped watching Netflix. Did you know that you could cancel Netflix? It even says so when you sign up. Recently we finally did. No more Bird Box, or The Office. Now I can only find the Office on DVD, Comedy Central, and hundreds of other channels.

The other day, I spent several hours on my computer checking my email. I had avoided looking at my email for several days and all of a sudden, I had over a 1000 emails. I was tired of that too, so I decided to cancel that too. Did you know that every marketing email you get has to have an unsubscribe button? So I spent hours canceling my email too.

Don’t worry. I just canceled traffic.

Now I think you should be able to cancel other things. How about the traffic? I have no use for it anymore. All it does is create longer drive times, inefficient gas use, and pollution. So who do I call to cancel it? Or is there an unsubscribe to traffic?

I don’t really like bills. I think they are time-consuming, wallet-lighteners, and just plain unnecessary. I’m going to call them all and just let them know that they don’t need to send them anymore. Really, should we be billed for something like light and heat that they didn’t really invent, own the patent on, or have any control over? If you feel like starting a Kickstarter, I’ll take a look at your plans, but I’m only donating to your cause if I like the way you’ve made heat and light more innovative, or different. Also, if I like the rewards for signing up every month.

Don’t worry Bro. I just canceled your back pain.

Also if people think they can just cancel government, I should be able to cancel all my back pain. I’m not a fan of it, I didn’t even sign up for it, and it’s a little inconvenient when I’m trying to lift really heavy things, like the remote control, or getting up from places, like the couch.

What do you guys think? Why can’t we cancel more things? What things would you cancel if you could?

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Bitter Cancellation Fees Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: CamelBak Eddy 25 oz Water Bottle. If you want to cancel thirst, this bottle has a solution for you. But I would argue that you don’t just have to put water in it. I think soda, juice or even oatmeal will fit in it. The most versatile bottle I can think of. On sale for only $7.91, 20% off.

Graffiti Bitterness

Me too kid. It was rough growing up without games.

I grew up in an era when video games were brand spanking new and adults had no idea what to think of them. They thought they were toys that needed to be destroyed. I was a big arcade fan growing up and my favorite game to play was Super Mario Brothers. My friend and I would spend hours and all the quarters we had just to make it to Level 1-2 or maybe level 1-3. Then I had to decide if I wanted to spend all the other quarters I had to see if I could make it any farther.

My mind was absolutely blown when I found out that Nintendo was creating a console that INCLUDED the game with it, AND it looked just like the arcade game. Somehow I managed to convince my parents to become early adopters on the Nintendo Entertainment System and I thought it was pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Because of this early video game nirvana, I became a huge Nintendo fanatic, even when all those other big consoles came out like the Sega, Playstation, and Xbox. I always tried to be the first one to get their console. In fact, I remember getting the Nintendo Game Cube even though there were no games I was interested in when it first came out. To fill the time, I decided to get one of the few games that did come out called Simpsons Road Rage. Basically, it was just a knock off of another game called Crazy Taxi, and my favorite thing to do was just drive around and cause destruction. The game included a lot of graffiti and I thought it was pretty cool.

This is art.

It seems like art has always been about rebellious acts, like painting things on a Sistine Chapel ceiling, drawing a dot, or drawing on our arms called tattoos. Honestly, I’m not sure how graffiti hasn’t been called an official art form yet. Let’s be truthful. Some, if not most graffiti is more creative, and well done that a lot of art.

Sometimes it has a message, other times it is frustration, and still others it is to mark territory. If dogs can do it, why can’t humans? All I know is a lot of graffiti is so well written that I think it is better than my writing. I should probably take some lessons from the graffiti artists and see if I can better craft a message.

I think the problem with society is that they so devalue creative art expressions (ie they don’t pay us for our art) that some of these super talented kids just express it on walls with spray paint. If people would pay artists for their work, we wouldn’t have to start blogs, spray paint walls, make homemade YouTube videos, or play music on street corners for nickels.

I’ve always wondered why creatives had to do side hustles while sciencey, mathy and computer codey people could just make their wealth at work and just eat dinner when they got home.

What do you guys think? Why do creatives have to work so hard to make a living? Why do society value coders, mathy, and sciency people so much more?

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Bitter Graffiti Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: GoPro Hero7 White Action Camera. Want to film your Graffiti sessions while running from the cops? Get this amazing GoPro Hero7 and get the action footage you are looking for. They don’t go on sale very often, so grab it on sale while you can. $179.99. $20 off the regular $199.99 price.

Lottery Dream Home

Or not.

I’ve always been about taking the easy way out. If I was on a call with someone, and things got out of control, I didn’t stick with the person and try to figure it out, I either just hung up on them or told them I would call them back and then didn’t. If I was on a date and things were going south, I didn’t try to push through and make them work, I would just leave through the bathroom. If there is a choice between going to workout and sitting on the couch and watching TV, I always choose the couch.

Predictably, when it comes to jobs, they have always been difficult. I’ve always been at jobs that make me stretch and work and figure things out that I don’t know. Why can’t I ever just get a job that requires me to make up cheesy quotes? Or fly to luxury hotels and critique their mattresses and pillows? Or be a movie or TV reviewer for kids that won’t read that stuff anyways, and still watch the most annoying programming on the planet?

For some reason there are a shortage or enticing, easy, high paying jobs in the world, so I end up doing hard things for a living. Stuff that requires me to think every day. You know those easy jobs I was talking about earlier? I discovered one of them when I was watching the TLC or something like that.

So it will be hard to find her a home.

There is a guy that literally helps people that just won the lottery to find their dream homes. So what they are saying is this guy has to help people that previously were living in relatively humble means, and help them upgrade into a house that fits their needs, with a much bigger budget? Wow that sounds really hard. I have no idea how much of a challenge it would be to be working with an almost unlimited budget, to find new homes, bigger homes that are closer to their work, which in all honesty, they might quit anyways, because they have money already?

All the guy does is congratulate the family in their post lottery winning glow, and talk to local real estate agents about houses in the area, and recommend a perfect home for them. The easiest part of all, is that the families are usually ones that don’t even need that much, and are almost too humble to even ask for anything. Not hard at all.

In contrast, most of the other agents are working their butts off for clients that have very limited budgets, have sky high expectations, and quite frankly, have no trust in their ability to help them get everything they want. They complain the whole time that homes aren’t in their preferred neighborhoods, their home office is completely jacked, or the commute isn’t 3 minutes from both of their workplaces.

Talk about an easy job. I could basically move into a place for two days, look up some nice houses on Zillow that met their budget and show them those places. In fact, my wife would probably do all the research because she likes doing it, and I would just have to say stuff like, “Here is where the couch goes, here is where the TV goes and your fridge.” They would be sold in minutes and then I could go back to my hotel and chill for two days while the real estate agent finishes the hard stuff.

Why aren’t those jobs available for me?

What do you think? What is your dream job? What is the easiest job you have heard of?

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Bitter Easiest Job Ever Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: LG 55″ 4K Ultra HD HDR Smart OLED TV. To console you during this difficult time of not winning the lottery, get yourself a brand new TV. It may not be a house, but you can view the fancy houses from it. You can also watch the lottery show which I just told you about. It is 35% off and would be a great edition for all the big football games in a few weeks. $1499.99.

The Ultimate Affiliate Marketer

This is how much I like to write.

I like to write. So much so that I’ve done it for free for most of my life. I started out by just journaling and coming up with ideas. Then I moved on to writing a book for two years. I still want to write it, but now I’m not sure when to do it all. Then, I started blogging both on this site and on another one.

As much as I love it for the fun, I also would love to have many people pay me for it. So, I’ve experimented in all kinds of ways to make money doing it. I had a job where I wrote blog posts quite a bit, but that was about real estate and homes and other things that while closer to what I wanted to do, but still not giving the creativity I crave.

Then someone told me about affiliate links. Affiliate links are basically a way that both a blogger or vlogger can recommend a product, like something on Amazon, create a link and if someone clicks on it, they get a little percentage of it from Amazon.  I’ve tried to do those as you can see at the bottom of my blog posts with Target, but unless I start gaining a huge following like the Kardashians or Selena Gomez, those will be pennies and not dollars that I will earn.

I would be laughing too if I was the best affiliate marketer in the world.

I might not be the ultimate affiliate marketer, but I’ve got the feeling that I know someone that probably is. He’s even been in the news for his impending divorce. He’s also the richest dude in the world, from what I hear. Jeff Bezos, otherwise know as the CEO/creator of Amazon has been in the news a lot lately.

My guess is that while he has all these frustrations from his personal life, he always has affiliate links. You know, he could start a blog on WordPress, start talking about you know, anything, then include an affiliate link at the end of his blog post, and boom, everyone goes to Amazon. He doesn’t even have work or care about what product he recommends. He could write a beauty post about luxurious hair, post a selfie about his bald hair, recommend the shampoo and he would still make money from the links.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this for me. All I had to do was go back into a time machine, come up with the idea for online shopping all on one site, move to Seattle, start a corporation, monopolize, and then start blogging/affiliate link things. I guess going bald would have been optional, but you know, that kind of goes with all the stress of being the richest dude in the world.

His plan included being bad at marriage too, but I think I will just skip that part and just be faithful, because 1) my wife has been there since the beginning, and 2) she is way better at handling just about everything and I would be a mess without her and 3) I’d much rather not give away half my earnings. She deserves much more than that.

Anyways, I will try to find some affiliate links that work for you, instead of trying the other way because I’m way too lazy.

What do you guys think? Have you found any good ways to make money while blogging? Have you had success with the time machine/monopoly/blog/bad marriage method? Or do you prefer just writing for free?

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Bitter Affiliate Marketing Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Men’s I Donut Care Short Sleeve Shirt. Let’s be honest with ourselves. There has never been anything of note to ever happen on Monday. So take it easy, put on your Donut Care T-shirt and then proceed to not do so. Only $9.99.

Instant Regret Bitter Friday Giftures

 

You know those days when you wake up and you instantly regret waking up? I’m sure I have a lot of dreams that I just don’t remember, but I’m almost always sure that the dream is better than the reality. So I wake up, tired, sore, groggy and needing more rest and I instantly regret it. I’m sure there are some ultra positive people out there (none that read this blog I’m sure) that wake up, soothed, refreshed, smiling and happy. Oh wait, nope those are movie characters that somehow wake up without an alarm clock at 9 am with the sun and somehow are excited to go to work. Yes, those are made up people. You know what else is made up? These bitter Friday Giftures which will tell how much better it is to be sleeping than awake.

See…

…even hyper people like dragonflies struggle to get out of bed.

Movie character…

getting out of bed.

Just another reason…

…why you should never wake up.

When you wake up…

…the world just seems to be against you.

You seem to…

…lose your balance.

Everything just seems…

…backward.

Nothing seems…

…to fall in place.

All you see…

…is just a bunch of barriers.

You just can’t…

…get into the swing of things.

You just can’t…

…sink your teeth into anything.

There is just…

…no balance in life.

Most all…

…you just daydream about sleeping anyways.

Now, don’t you just instantly regret waking up today? Aren’t you thinking how it would be way better to go back to bed? It’s Friday. There is no reason to go to work except bide your time eating pizza and waiting for that clock to hit 3:30 pm or 5:00 pm or whenever you are finally excused to go home to that bitter bed or couches to get some zzzzz’s.

What is your favorite place to ignore others? Is it under the desk at work? Is it in your car? Do you like sleeping in the library? Or are you more of a traditionalist like me who just sleeps on his couch?

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Bitter Sleep Deprived Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Jumbo LED Curved Display Alarm Clock. If you are looking for an enemy of sleep, this guy will do it for you. Not only will it destroy your dreams in the morning, but the big display will keep you up all night. The best thing yet is that it is only $19.99, which is 20% off of its regular price of $24.99. Get one today!

Underdogs

I will return after these messages.

I grew up in a time when Saturday Mornings = watching cartoons. It was a much simpler time in which there were only three channels and on weekdays we were required to either do our homework or go outside and do things a lot. We might have been given a little time to watch one cartoon after school, but soon after it was homework and “family time”. Some were really good like Transformers, GI Joe, Superfriends and the Jetsons, while others like Scrappy Doo were awful and terrible, but I would always take a cartoon over doing just about anything else.

I lost touch of the favorite ones over time, but when I had kids, I rediscovered them again. They were a great babysitter and break when I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. It was my opportunity to steer the kids towards the good ones and keep them away from the boring, awful and obnoxious kid programming that I couldn’t stand. For a while, I got the kids into Spongebob until I realized that Spongebob was my worst nightmare, an optimist that loved his job.

I liked Phineas and Ferb better because they always got away with things and Dr. Doofenschmirtz was the best villain ever. And of course, I loved Regular Show because Mordecai and Rigby were always getting in trouble and they were slackers. I could relate.

Always having to fight for anything I get.

There was one cartoon in the ’80s that I vaguely recall about a dog that was a superhero. They called him the Underdog. I don’t remember much, but I do relate because I’ve always been an underdog. Almost all the time, people don’t expect much from me. I always seemed to get on teams that had little or no chance of winning. I’ve always been at companies that are small in the industry. Even in my family growing up, I had to fight for attention amongst my siblings. Every job I have ever had took time for me to get, and moving up took even longer. Even my first blog took months to build to something that anyone would even read or comment on. I’ve always had to scrap and fight for relevance. I don’t know what it is to be the favored one or the best company or on the best team.

If my life were an NCAA tournament, I would be a 15 seed. Not totally a bottom seed, but one that would have to fight hard just to get out of the first round. Not impossible, but definitely a fight. I’d like to say that this is an inspirational story and that I’ve scratched and clawed my way to the top. It isn’t. Every once in a while, I get a scrap of food and see some success, but other times, I see the odds, and just give up and become bitter about it. Not everyone achieves the American (or whatever country you live in) dream. Some people’s success is just making sure they pay their mortgage every month and obtaining a scrap here and there. That is what it is like to be an Underdog.

What do you think? Have you been an underdog all your life? How did that feel? What did you to overcome it? Or are you just become a bitter dude like me and just watch cartoons instead?

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Bitter Underdog Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day:  KitchenAid Classic Plus. Let’s face it. You’ve given up on your resolution to lose weight and go to the gym. Time to move on to the better resolution. Making better cookies. This is what you really need to do. Also if you need someone to test them, I don’t do resolutions so I will be glad to eat all the cookies you make from this. On sale for $199.99, which is way under $200. Check it out now. 

 

Vacation Bitterness

Always.

I think there are several goals when it comes to being on vacation. The first, most important goal is to forget how to function at work. If you are taking a vacation from your job and you are doing it right, on the day you come back, you should forget the route you take to get to your job. Forget that traffic existed before the vacation. The alarm clock should scare you. Any passwords you used to get into your computer should be completely forgotten. You forget how to use your phone or what an email is. Work you did before the vacation should seem like something you did 10 years ago. You should have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. Essentially, you should forget about work completely when you go on vacation.

The second goal is to create several molds. I know you probably think I mean jello molds or cake molds or something to do with cooking or food. Nope. I’m talking about molds in the couch. Molds in the bed. Molds on the computer chair at home. Molds in all the pillows. You should be planting yourself in one spot so often, that there should be a mold of you in that spot. Your eyes should only be open for necessary things like going to the kitchen to make a large Dagwood sandwich. Playing video games all night. Watching movies and TV, or binging The Office. Other than that, you should be snoozing, on the couch, at the table, in the bed. On the floor. What you shouldn’t be doing is moving. Being active. Getting out.

The entire government will go on a vacation you mean.

As you know, the US government is on a bit of a vacation right now. I won’t talk about why, because I’m not really what you would call “informed”. I just know that every once in a while, we depend on the government for things. It isn’t everything, but it is definitely more than you think. I think we are still getting our mail, but I’m not sure, because we don’t really get anything important, except people requesting us to pay for things like internet, heat, light, and electricity. It is winter, so the parks being shut down aren’t too bad of a thing for me. I like to stay inside anyways.

I do get a check from the government once a month, and I heard I might not get that. And another thing that I worry about is that tax returns might be on hold too. I am not a fan of paying taxes, but I sure am a fan of the government paying me.

What I thought was kind of strange was that my wife got a bunch of telemarketing calls yesterday and she was a little tired of it. So she decided to call the national Do Not Call phone number to get us on that list and guess what message she got. “We’re sorry, but due to the partial government shut down, we are unable to put you on the Do Not Call list. Please call back when we are working.”

I guess the government has the same idea as me. Not remembering how to do their job when they go on vacation.

Your turn. What do you think about vacation? Are you a sit and mold at home person like me? Or do you actually like to do things outdoors? What do you think about government vacations? Don’t they already not work? Why did I not get employed by the government, when I realized they don’t really work?

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Bitter Static Vacation Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Orgain Organic Superfood Power. I’m guessing this is the stuff that makes Superman so healthy and able to save our planet on a regular basis. I think if you use it/eat it you will definitely be a superhero. If you turn into one, please let me know, because I would love to have you help me in traffic/etc. Try some today!

 

Exercise Bitterness

Sports was always there for me…to ruin my day.

Yesterday I talked about sports and how I used to enjoy them. Today I’m going to talk about how they ruined my life. To get some context, my son is a burgeoning athlete. He is so much bigger than other kids his age, that sometimes it doesn’t even seem fair. In fact, in football, I believe he could play just about any position on the field and excel at it. He has a strong arm so he could be a quarterback, he is really good at catching, so he would be a good receiver. He has tree trunk legs and thighs so he could run right over other kids as a running back. The problem is that they hold him back at this age by calling him an X man. If you are over a certain weight, you can only be on the offensive or defensive line. So his abilities are being held back. It’s kind of like in the Incredibles, where Dash is running the 100-yard dash, but he has to hold back his speed in order to appear “normal” or “fit in”. I keep hoping he keeps strong and this leads him on NFL path. Dad could use an early retirement if you know what I mean.

This is my life was ruined by sports. I did all the work. Went to all the practices, ran all those races, putted all those shots, jumped all those highs, basketed all those balls, footed all those balls, tennised all those balls, based all those balls. Came home sweaty, tired, achy and sacrificed all that TV time. For what? Well, they told me if I worked hard enough, I would get to play in the games. They told me if I worked hard enough, I would get dates with girls. They told me if I worked hard enough, we could win a championship. They told me if I worked hard enough, I would be in great shape…Problem is I didn’t. Because I was tired. Because my body had a limit. Because my knees hurt and my back hurt and my head hurt. I played basketball until I was 40. Do you know what I go for it?

Well, I will tell you what I didn’t get. I didn’t get to play. I didn’t get girls. I didn’t get championships. And I certainly didn’t get any money. Not one cent professionally for basketball, baseball, track or otherwise. Just bad knees, bad ankles, bad feet, bad back.

Thank goodness for couches.

I’ve decided that none of those things came true. Sports, exercise, it is all a myth. I know I should be giving you a pep talk because it is January, a time for resolutions and getting better and working at goals. But you know I’m bitter. All exercise will do is delay the inevitable, with nothing but soreness, tiredness, and badness left in its wake.

So I’ve decided to take up a different kind of exercise. Yelling at my kids. It gives my lungs, abs, and throat a thorough workout, releases stress, and isn’t that exercise is supposed to do for you?

Your Turn. What exercise do you do that is way better for you than exercise? What relieves stress for you? What sports are you bitter that you did when you were young? What resolutions are you not going to keep in the new year?

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Bitter Yelling Exercise Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: “42 X 18” Decorative Wood Ladder Brown – Threshold. If you really need some exercise, how about climbing this decorative ladder, breaking it and breathing heavily when you hurt your back. Good for the abs and possibly even putting blankets on. You know, whatever suits your fancy.

 

Trolling

Go Sports!

When I was growing up, sports was just kind of my deal. I didn’t always love them, but I had a natural skill at some of them, so people always put me in them. I was decent at basketball, volleyball, baseball, long jump (had the school record for a couple of weeks) and was weirdly good at football when I was in grade school. In junior high, I ran track and was fairly fast. I started liking basketball way more as soon as I wasn’t on the school team. I wasn’t a man in any other way. I didn’t like to hunt or fish, I couldn’t repair cars or fix things, and I wasn’t really good at talking to girls or being a leader, so I kind of had to cling to sports. 

Being athletic came relatively easy to me. I picked up the rules really easily and could catch, shoot, jump and stuff that was required for most sports…until I couldn’t. I played a little basketball on an intramural team and played for my church teams until my knees gave out, near 40. Kids these days don’t really do sports as much. A lot of what we used to do they do online. I don’t know if kids even realize what football is if they aren’t playing Madden. They might not know what golf is unless they are playing Tiger Woods 2K19. And they think a real sport is Rocket League, a video game that is a car driving around a field ramming a ball into a goal like a soccer game.

This is what kids think is sports now.

I’m almost positive some kids have grown up thinking video games are a sport. I should also add that I grew up thinking it would be amazing to work on video games as a living.

Nowadays, I think there is another sport that some people engage in on the internet. Some people think it is a full-time sport. The relatively new sport that started back in the early days of the internet. Trolling. If you think about it though, trolling has been around since the beginning of time. They were just in the form of critics. The object of the game is to make creative people think their work is useless. 

Being creative is one of the hardest things to be. First of all, because you are creative you usually think outside the lines, so things like math, science, engineering, and other rules-based disciplines are hard for them. Most creative people careers are a go big or go home type of thing. Think of them: Writing, art, music, acting, photography, video, and editing. Most of those careers are either super low paying things that people have to do on the side for free, or they have to be famous. You don’t see a lot of middle-level artists that were encouraged by their parents to pursue their mid-level dreams.

You don’t see trolls booing computer programmers, or accountants or scientists. Trolls are movie critics, music critics, Golden Globe award judges, YouTube commenters. They have no idea how much work, dedication, and effort it took to make a 2-hour long movie, a 4-minute song, or a 300-page book. They have no idea how hard a person worked to write a post, create a perfect photo, or make a 60-hour video game. They just care that their two minutes with a video, the five minutes with a post, or the two hours with a movie wasn’t completely mindblowing, original, or absolutely worth their time or money.

Where trolls live.

I think they should just go hide underneath the bridge they were born under.

What do you think? Do you have a bunch of trolls in your life? Or commenting on your blog? Or thinking your life’s work isn’t completely life changing?

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Bitter Troll Bridge Ben

Electronic Graveyard Bitter Friday Giftures

 

When it comes to things I like, most of it has to do with electronics. Most things that are electronic are expensive. Therefore, I don’t normally go to a mall like my wife and just buy a few things and marvel at how inexpensive they are. I have to go to places like Best Buy and look at things for many months. Squirrel away a lot of assets. Dream about how life with be better when I get them. Then get them and immediately realize that they are out of date, and dream about getting the next thing. Therefore, I have a graveyard of a thousand different electronics that I toss to the side for the next regularest thing. Kind of like these daily blog posts that I do. I write a thousand that someone will consume and then just toss aside like 1-year-old technology. That being said, enjoy the latest and regularest Bitter Friday Giftures:

Always drive backwards…

…because nothing ever goes wrong then.

Birthdays are great…

…because nothing ever goes wrong on them.

The nice thing about Christmas…

…is nothing ever goes wrong during that time period.

The New Year is always the best…

…because you always get the results you want.

Machines are great…

…because they always give you the results you want.

Swings are fun…

…because accidents never happen on them.

Running is great…

…because it always makes you look like a champion.

Microphones are really great for amplifying sound…

…but not very tasty.

Ditches are great for draining things…

…but not so great for falling in.

Ditches are also…

…not great for driving out of.

Some people learn to take selfies…

…the hard way.

 There is an easier way…

…to sit in a chair.

And there you have it. Just like all those electronic devices you are always throwing away, you are going to consume this blog of gifs and never revisit them again. Which is fine, because I don’t need to write anything very memorable.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Electronic Graveyard Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: Speaking of electronics that do things for you, how about that tax season. Don’t do taxes yourself. You will just mess them up. Let Turbo Tax do it for you. It is on sale for $39.99 instead of $49.99, which if you had Turbo Tax, you would know is 20% off. Just go buy it so you don’t mess things up.

The Bitter Love Languages

I’m an expert in the bitterness emotion.

As the self-proclaimed foremost expert on bitterness, I have done my best to study the bitterness emotion in all its varieties. It is not a complex emotion, but a very underrated and underused one. People always love the rage, and the happy, and the sad, but rarely do they ever think about the bitter. It kind of stews under the surface, and for some reason people are always thinking of it as negative. It absolutely is and should be more celebrated for that fact. The problem is that people want to hide it deep below the surface and never let people know that they are bitter. I think that we should let our bitterness out and let it take hold of us. But everyone seems to always want to show love toward other people.

I guess there are like 5 love languages out there, words of affirmation, touch, gifts, acts of service (not sure if that means for them, or doing them) and quality time. Let me first start with the ones I’m not.

My preferred method of touch.

Touch – I don’t like to hug people or let people hug me. Human contact is okay I guess with people in your family but is almost unbearable with others. I’m okay with wrestling with my son, or making my daughter uncomfortable with a side hug or an awkward back pat, but only when it makes her incredulous that her father is showing affection.

Acts of service – People are the worst. They take all your introverted time by asking you to do things, for free. Why would I ever want to do things for other people, when I’m not getting paid? I’ve done a few things for others, but it always seems like they don’t appreciate it, so I prefer to think of myself, who at least kind of appreciates things that I do…sometimes.

Gifts – I’m sure everyone likes gifts, but they don’t really move the needle that much. I guess if you give me like millions of dollars wrapped into a brand new computer or camera, I might think that was an okay gift. But really, I don’t think buying me flowers or chocolates is going to woo me or make me like you more if I don’t like you already.

Flowers and chocolates don’t do it for me.

Quality Time – Yeah, I love quality time, or regular time, or wasted time…as long as it is with myself. I could spend months on a mountain all by my lonesome….as long as I have wi-fi, a comfy couch and the world’s largest TV (Vistas are a poor quality version of a TV in my opinion). With others, I find any time extremely annoying, bothersome and taking away from valuable me time.

Now let’s get to the only one that moves the bitter meter. Words of affirmation. I think it goes back to the one thing that defines living for me. The groan.

I love puns because they are the lowest form of humor according to most, but I find it the highest form. Simply because of one reason. The better the pun, the bigger the groan. I like making people uncomfortable with my comedy. If they are groaning because my joke is so bad they can hardly stand it, my comedy has done its job. And there is no better way of showing me affirmation than by groans at one of my dad jokes. You don’t get to be the department dad joker, by telling genuinely funny jokes.

So what is your love language? What gets you jazzed in the morning? What makes you feel like you’ve actually accomplished something? What can I do to not do those things for you?

Bitter Groan Language Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: You are just like everyone else, so jump on that “losing weight” resolution bandwagon for the first few weeks of January. Stay out of the crowded gyms and do it in your basement though. Uses these Ignite by Spri Chrome hand weights to take your broken resolution to the lowest level. The twenty-pound version is 20% off for a low price of $23.99.

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