Ignoravirus Bitter Friday Giftures

 

There has been a lot of talk about viruses this year.  It started small with just a word or two, but little by little it has grown. I guess that is how all viruses spread. Now people are wearing masks, covering their eyes and mouths, and starting to panic.

Yes, the election is this year and politics are starting to invade us like a virus and it seems no matter what we do, we can seem to avoid it. The best we can do is try not to get infected by it and hope that by ignoring it, it will all just go away. I know that some people don’t think there is a cure, but I found one that really works. Back in 2016, when the widespread Clinton-Trump virus was taking over the nation, I had this amazing cure for it. It was called a no cable, subscription to Netflix, binge watch The Office over and over.

I had almost no idea what was going on in the world and it was great. The world wasn’t politics, murder, and war, but Jim, Pam, Dwight, and Micheal. The worries weren’t who was going to be elected, but would Jim and Pam get together? Would Dwight be gone from Dunder Mifflin forever? Would Toby just stop annoying Michael? I still worry about those things today, but now the newsvirus has infiltrated my life and I need to quit it. Speaking of things you can’t quit, here are Bitter Friday Giftures…

This virus reminds me of the advertisements…

Hacked Computer Virus GIF
…of all the ads during the elections.

Sometimes…

buy antivirus GIF
…your anti-virus doesn’t always work so well.

Like for instance, all the actor’s speeches…

charlize theron GIF
…at the Oscar’s.

Or when you can’t get them…

Joaquin Phoenix Stop GIF by The Academy Awards
…to stop speaking about protecting the cows.

Maybe this is the only way to protect ourselves…

protection GIF
…from viruses.

Or maybe this…

Bird Box Horror GIF by NETFLIX
…is the only way.

Believe me…

Leah Remini Hug GIF by TV Land
…I love my TV more than life and most people…

But when people like this…

Democratic Debate GIF by MSNBC

 

And people like this…

republican debate trump GIF

It makes me want to do things…

protection GIF
…like this.

And stuff…

Climate Change Hide GIF by Barbara Pozzi
…like this.

But mostly…

the office GIF
…this.

And by this, I mean not being part of society, but mostly, I just want to watch an Office marathon, because reality with its politics, viruses and terrible political Hollywood that wants to punch everything down your face, I just want to be at Dunder Mifflin, helping Jim prank Dwight. Is that too much to ask?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Leavemealonavirus Ben

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K Bitter Friday Giftures

 

If you know exactly what I am referring to in the title there, then you are either a little older and a product of the 80’s or you study the 80’s. All I know is that movie was one of the great time travel movies of all time and also a launchpad for one of the all-time acting icons of this generation.  Keanu Reeves may not be making Oscar-worthy films (though you could argue that The Matrix should have been), but he is almost universally loved not only for his acting and characters but for being one of the few Hollywood actors who is actually a decent human being.

Back to the “strange things” part of the post. This year has already been a bizarre one for me, but after the suck fest that was 2019 (perhaps I’ll save that story for another post), things have to a least be a little better this year, or I would be in a sewer scaring kids or something. I’ve lost a little weight (which I haven’t tried to do since maybe I was 19), I’ve launched my own business, (which I never thought I would do), and I’ve tried to keep a resolution (and I’ve actually kept since Jan. 1).  Strange things have definitely been afoot at the Circle K (and the bitter blog). So on the note, let’s launch into the Bitter Giftures of the Week.

Okay, so most kids in my eyes…

…um well have horns.

 

 

Alright, so it is Friday…

Happy Friday GIF
…but do we have to do it on the toilet?

One of the all-time best…

awkward dumb and dumber GIF
…yet somehow he was able to get a gig as a limo driver.

I’ve been told that many times…

Weirdo Burn GIF
…but everyone is weird in their own way.

Strange things are definitely…

phone foot GIF by AFV Babies
…afoot with this kid.

Sometimes you just lean and lose your balance…

…and then somehow gain it back at the last second.

Some people are just really good…

…at hide and seek.

Others are really good…

…at optical illusions.

While still others…

…just have really good aim.

Some people…

…have really explosive personalities.

When the situation gets hard…

…some people just crumble to pieces. 

But at the end of the day…

…people just get tired.

Yes, strange things are definitely afoot at the Circle K. But more importantly, things are definitely strange around here. However dudes, while it seems strange around here this week, it’s going to be Valentine’s Day and that will be not so much strange, but more fearful. If we don’t step it up in a very strong way, things could be really icy for 6 weeks. Kind of like the Groundhog didn’t predict.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Strange Things Ben

Taking Out the Garbage Bitter Friday Giftures

 

At the time of typing this blog, I’m bitter, sore and utterly exhausted. I don’t mean to throw my parents under the bus, but they are the reason why. You see, they live almost full-time down in the southern part of Utah, while we live in the northern part, where they have a condo they used to live in. They had a little mice problem, so they had to come up north to take care of the problem. They were nice enough to volunteer us to help them fix the little problem, which we were okay with at first…at first.

We figured they would just ask us to move around some food and clean up a little bit. We did, but then one thing leads to another and all of a sudden, we were full-on doing a complete reorg for a hoarder, errr, my mother. Let’s just say she treats her condo like a storage unit. This week we spent every waking hour organizing things.

Taking out the garbage isn’t fun, but when you do it 400 plus times, it’s even more not fun. Let’s just get to the bitter Friday Giftures?

No offense…

Eruption GIF
…but this is what I wanted to do with all the garbage in their house.

This may or may not…

 philippines eruption taal volcano GIF
…be the position I was in most of the week.

When I suggested my mom throw something away…

volcano GIF
…this is the ledge I was navigating.

This is what happened…

Movie Horror GIF by The Grudge
…when I decided to look under the bed.

Every time we entered a room…

season 3 closet GIF
…we were scared of what we would find.

Possibly some of the dolls…

nightmares forever GIF
…that may have been in some closet.

There are a few books here…

read texas am GIF by Texas A&M University
…but not near as many as there were in just one room in my mom’s house.

I found a lot of new technology…

library archives GIF
…like these storage files called floppy discs.

Can’t wait…

middle school website GIF by Sarah Schmidt
…to try out this new Myspace.com thing on America Online.

I’m pretty sure I heard Lizzo over and over again…

cowboy bebop radio GIF
…not on that old radio thing, but this new ghetto blaster thing.

We even found some…

john hughes vintage GIF
…fresh new threads.

We even managed to find some…

blowing widespread dust GIF
…some dust cats and bunnies.

While the work was back-breakingly overwhelming and mind-numbing, we did manage to find a few treasures, and for that, it was all worth it. Despite the fact that there were millions of items that we could have gotten rid of, we got rid of 13, and that made all the hard work worth it.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Taking out the Garbage Ben

Forcefield Bitter Friday Giftures

 

Sometimes it seems like most of our problems come from the fact that we are fragile. Do you ever stop and think how easy it is for us to get injured or die? I mean, like so easy. All it takes is a half-way decent-sized rock land on us, or we fall more than like 3 or 4 stories from a building, get in a little crash in an accident and we are fish food. It baffles the mind billions of us survive for more than 70 years.  You know?

That’s why I think we should all get forcefields. It’s not like they are that hard to make right? They are just made up of some invisible, lightweight, hard plastic that is invulnerable from most attacks. Also, it wouldn’t be hard to make it last for 70-100 years too.

Wouldn’t it be fun just be able to look down all the time when you are texting, get hit by a car, and not have to worry about those pesky injuries that get in our way? Or to be able to go to one of those ax-throwing stores and not have to worry about your friends accidentally throwing one when you are retrieving yours? A lot of those stupid safety rules wouldn’t have to be written nor read anymore. Sorry about your job security, policeman, firemen and the crossing guards at schools.

So when is Forcefield Corp. coming out with these things? I hope soon. While we are waiting for them, let’s just watch some Bitter Friday Giftures about…the forcefield.

If this…uh…guy gets one…

wall no GIF by Ultraman Original
…why can’t the rest of us?

If Mr. Mime has the ability to make one…

pokemon mr mime GIF
…then ForceField Inc. should be able to make us all one. 

I guess a forcefield to keep emotions out…

star trek geek GIF by Alpha
…would be fine.

A forcefield would have been…

danger zone GIF
…really handy in this situation.

Things like this would be…

living on the edge GIF
…a little easier.

This Price is Right game…

cliff GIF
…wouldn’t be scary anymore. 

 

Doing stuff like this…

fire man GIF
…would be way more common. 

Gym class would…

Animated GIF
…be able to be moved to a different location.

Having a Pinata party…

justin bieber GIF
…would finally be more interesting for something besides the candy.

We could finally duck out…

interview door GIF
…out on interviews gracefully. 

We wouldn’t have to wear masks…

highway brakes GIF
...every time anyone got sick.

Woody wouldn’t have to worry about…

driving toy story GIF by LEGO
…all that damage of hitting that last cone.

Wouldn’t life be so much better with forcefields? Why do all the video game and movie heroes be the only ones to have all the fun. I’m looking at your Forcefield Inc. If you aren’t working on a forcefield for all of us, then what are you are in business for?

Get to work, or we will stop buying stock in your company.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Forcefield Ben

Pioneer Woman Bitterness

Image result for pioneer woman
Her name is Ree. Seriously, how could this person be more famous than me?

As you know, I’m bitter. If you don’t know that, then you haven’t been following my blog for 7 years, or you didn’t notice the title. Most of the time, I like to rant about the little things. Traffic, soap, the way my toes don’t fit into socks; you know, stuff that Jerry Seinfeld could write a whole episode around, maybe even an entire season.  If that is the case, call me Jerry.

For a while now though, I got a big beef with a bigger target. Maybe you know who she is, maybe you don’t, but there is this lady that is making us all look bad. She is a blogger just like the rest of us, but somehow HER blog made her famous, rich and a brand name around the world, or at least at Walmart. And I’m guessing she hasn’t put near as much work into her blog as any of us has. In fact, I bet she hasn’t even written in her own blog for years.

I know her as the Pioneer Woman. I don’t know how famous she is out there in the world, but I’m pretty sure she has at least a TV show on TLC or something. That is only the beginning too. She has a cookbook, a crockpot, and a bunch of other branded stuff at Walmart.

Every time I go to Walmart and I see one of her products, I have a fit. Every time I have an outburst, my wife looks at me like I’m crazy and asks me what I’m ranting about. I’m always saying with the contempt that Jerry has for Newman, “Pioneer Woman! She has another cookbook out!” or “Pioneer Woman has a Crocked Pot now? Seriously, doesn’t she have enough already?”

Then I ask my wife why I don’t have a brand deal with Walmart. I mean, who doesn’t want a Bitter Ben action figure that screams out bitter phrases that you all want to say, but not out loud? Stuff like, “Ughhh, why is there so much traffic?”, “Uggh, why is the remote control so far away?” or “That stupid Pioneer Woman has another product in Walmart? How did she get famous for doing recipes? She’s not even funny!”

toys disbelief GIF by Dark Igloo
The action figure would look just like me and just as bitter.

Or how about a TV show where I do reviews of all the worst movies and tell you what makes me bitter about them on TLC? What does she have that I don’t? Oh yeah, she has a really annoying voice. And a super big kitchen and lots of property.

All I know is she needed to be called out. She doesn’t have the writing ability that we have or a sense of humor. I’m guessing all the recipes she uses are just ones her grandmother passed down to her. Does she even have an original thought or something compelling about her? It’s high time she gives up her fame for the rest of us, so we can shine and she can go back to being a pioneer.

ARRRRRRGGGGHGHHHH

Bitter Pioneer Lady Rage Ben

 

Inversion Bitter Friday Giftures

There is this weird epidemic of weather here in Utah that I’m not sure exists anywhere else.  Since we live in these valleys that are surrounded by mountain ranges, when it’s cold and doesn’t snow for a while, we get this thing called The Inversion.  It’s one of those made-up weather words like the Polar Vortex a few years ago. It’s like this epic scary weather that isn’t so much a hurricane or tornado or tsunami, but more like this really grouchy monster that breathes really heavy. If it was Micheal Scott, it would burn Utica to the ground. Actually, it would just breathe really hot air in the sky.

Basically, it means that all this really bad air gets trapped in the valley and won’t go away. It kind of reminds me of people that come to my house for a party and then never leaves. The only way to make it go away is by having it snow. So, we beg for it to snow, even though we really don’t like snow. In the same vein, burying people in the snow is the only way to get rid of unwanted house guests.

Unfortunately for everyone that reads this blog, burying me in the snow doesn’t get rid of Bitter Friday Giftures.  Sorry.

Just another day in Utah…

philippines volcano eruption taal volcano GIF
…during The Inversion.

Don’t worry though…

night sleep GIF
…we’re used to all the bad air.

It never…

headache causes GIF
…causes headaches.

It never makes us…

 art digital pixels vision GIF
…see visions…

Or makes us…

psychic caitriona balfe GIF by Outlander
…see things…

We’re not seeing things…

animation oc GIF
…in cartoon terms.

Just like how we can’t breathe…

can't see scooby-doo GIF by Head Like an Orange
…because we don’t have our gas masks.

Also sometimes it’s hard to see…

quote dean GIF by ClawsTNT
…when most of our eyes are covered.

Just like global warming…

randy marsh talking GIF by South Park
…The Inversion has forced us indoors.

There is a possibility…

pizza weather GIF
…that this is something that could happen if we go outside.

All we want…

dark GIF
…is a little sun…

But The Inversion forces us to…

cold cat GIF
…to beg for this.

The Inversion is a sneaky son of a gun and quite ambitious. He is trying his hardest to become the most famous random weather pattern. He is tired of being seventh fiddle to Hurricane, Tornado, Volcano Eruption, Tsunami, Polar Vortex, and Avalanches. Unfortunately, he is trying and failing. In fact, he is even falling behind wildfire because wildfire burns stuff and gives us bad air.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Inversion Ben

Refuel Bitter Friday Giftures

We’re coming up on the most depressing day of the year soon (I think it is usually like January 18th every year), which is a bitter person’s fuel.  To prepare for this special day, let’s talk about how we can fuel up for this event. What are some things that work for me? There is making sure that it is dark as much as possible. While not all days can be dark ALL day (unless you live in Alaska), but there are simple ways you can make things worse. When it is sunny out, find dark basements, non-windowed closets, and pray for black clouds.

Another way to prepare for the bitter season is to make phone calls to family members or co-workers and ask them how they are doing. Be prepared to hear all kinds of sob stories about their jobs, their lives and their commuting. If you weren’t depressed before, their lives will certainly depress you soon after.

Lastly, talk about how far away any vacation days are for you. Now that the holidays are done, you certainly used up all your vacation and sick days and just have to power through at least 3 more months before you can get a break. Bleakness will follow. As well as the Bitter Friday Giftures.

Even though you want to cry…

Sad Jason Mantzoukas GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers
…make sure you smile so people won’t try to cheer you up.

Make sure you get all the right daily nutrients…

lonely legally blonde GIF
…like chocolate, fat, and lots of sugars.

The colder the weather…

winter weather GIF by Much
…the better chance there is that you will want to stay on the couch and not move.

You’ll want to make sure that if you go outside…

jack whitehall jacket GIF by BRIT Awards
…you’ll want to be as uncomfortable as possible.

If you have a meeting today…

bored board meeting GIF by Veep HBO
…make sure it is late in the day, so there is a possibility of it going overtime.

Make sure your lunch is gross…

ew throw up GIF by SMOSH
…so your afternoon will go as slowly as possible.

Save the most urgent tasks for the end of the day…

working weekend GIF
…so you will once again have to work all weekend.

Make sure to invite only your least favorite guests…

work weekend GIF
…to your house.

For any get-togethers…

bbq dummies GIF
…make sure to fire up your grills. 

Make sure you run after the neighborhood kids…

on my way running GIF by Nicolas Bougère
…for getting on your lawn.

And letting their dogs…

encouragement dog poop GIF
…poop on there.

And don’t hang in there…

threes company fall GIF
…just fall.

Get excited people. We are almost there. The most depressing day of the year is coming and we have to make the most of it. Get prepared. And if that one doesn’t work out, Valentine’s Day always has the potential to be the most depressing day.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Refueling Friday Ben

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